THE WEEKLY RIOT — January 8, 1999

THE WEEKLY RIOT
January 8, 1999

"Try to find the beauty and the gentleness in love which remains about and around you,
and let this help you through your sorrows.
And ever has it been that love knows not it's own depth until the hour of separation."

~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet~

THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")

Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK

I know I must be really good in bed, 'cause women always ask me if there's any possible way I could make it last longer. — Steve McCann

I'll bet the reason drag queens don't travel through time is that they get tired of being mistaken for early Presidents. — Dave James

Where do *I* want to go today? Back to bed. — Paul Hughes

I almost always look forward to... well, to avoid tripping, mostly. — Justin Kerner

Copyright © 1999, Chris White

YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...

The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:

--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg

Al Gore told CNN President Clinton is more likely to be hit by a meteor than resign.
I would think it's more likely to be a *comet* — President Clinton likes a little tail.

Speaker Newt Gingrich has completed payment of a $300,000 penalty imposed for violations of House rules, the ethics committee said Wednesday.
Gingrich had previously borrowed a portion of the money from Bob Dole's $1 million Viagra Endowment.

The National Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons has asked doctors to start signing their names on the spot where they'll be operating in order to avoid cutting into the wrong spot on a patient.
The first patient, a vasectomy, commented, "Keep signing. Oh yeah, in cursive. Don't stop. Your whole name. That's right. Ooooh."

The U.S. Census Bureau says there are now 271 million, 645 thousand, 214 people living in the United States.
To give you an idea of how huge that is, that's one person per Starbucks.

AND YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING A BAD DAY...
[Thanks to Craig]

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN THE OIL & GAS (or just pick your own poison) INDUSTRY IF...
[Thanks to Twila]

You sat at the same desk for 3 years and worked for three different companies.
Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.
You have to call home to check the weather.
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
You learn about your layoff on CNN.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment..
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets.
Your 2 yr old kid knows how to get to your company and to your cube, and it is referred to as daddy's/mommy's room.
You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.
A tie is hanging in your cube.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
Art involves a white board.
You're already late on the assignment you just got.
When 100% of your time means 20 hours.
You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
Everyone fights fires (i.e. problems).
Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
Plants in your cube are healthier than your plants at home.
Your boss's favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."
10% of the people you work with - no one (boss included) knows what they do.
Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January.
Change is the norm.
Nepotism is encouraged.
The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.
You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
Moving targets are employees, goals, and budgets.
You read this entire list and understood.

THE TOP NINE SIGNS YOU'RE DATING A PSYCHOLOGY MAJOR

9. You awake in the middle of the night to a tape repeating, "This time it's true love... This time it's true love..."
8. You get an electric shock every time you leave the toilet seat up.
7. Everything she says sounds interesting but has no practical value.
6. A trip to any fast food joint always results in ketchup-and-napkin Rorschach tests.
5. After you fall down the stairs, she asks "How does that make you feel?"
4. Instead of a goodnight kiss, she leaves you with, "Looks like our time's about up".
3. Win one lousy game of Nintendo and suddenly you're a manic bipolar schizophrenic with blatent passive/agressive tendencies.
2. During arguments calmly says, "What I hear is that you can't stand my overly rational, Spock-like approach, and that you feel I should have the stick extracted from my ass. Is that correct?"

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Dating a Psychology Major...

1. You're rewarded with a peanut everytime you correctly hit the G spot.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White

THE TOP 15 CHRISTIAN COALITION-APPROVED NICKNAMES FOR BREASTS

15. Democrat Catchers
14. NFRU (Not for Recreational Use)
13. Pastor Baiters
12. Mounds of Shame
11. Heavenly Canteens
10. Pearly Weights
9. Hooteronomies
8. Pizza Pizza
7. Sweater Undulations
6. The Daughters of Lactiticus
5. Racks of lambs of God
4. Communion Woofers
3. First and Second Mammalonians
2. Pamela 36:D

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Christian Coalition-Approved Nickname for Breasts...

1. Beelzeboobs

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
[Thanks to Sharon]

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Accept this sacrifice, oh, Lord of Darkness."
"Damn! I can't read page 47 in this manual... it has blood all over it."
"Rex!! Come back with that! Bad dog!"
"Wait a minute! If this is his spleen, then what is that?"
"Has anyone seen my watch?"
"Whoops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff?"
"Well then folks, this will be an experiment for us all."
"OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."
"That's cool! But can you make his leg twitch?"
"Could you stop that thing from beating? It is throwing my concentration off."
"Wow! This is harder than I thought. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."
"This patient has already had children, am I correct?"
"Sterile, Shmerile. The floor's clean, right?"
"Don't worry. I think that's sharp enough."
"You know, there is big money in kidneys. And this guy has got two of them."
"Hand me that... No that one... uh... that thingie."

"Nice work sewing him up. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"

TOP TEN REASONS WOMEN DATE JERKS INSTEAD OF NICE GUYS
[Thanks to Sharon]

10. More fun to complain about them to your friends.
9. Guys who actually like you just aren't challenging or exciting.
8. When you do date nice guys, they turn into jerks anyway, so why not save time and go for the jerk in the first place?
7. You won't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll be more in control.
6. All the other women want them, so they must be worth having.
5. Affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesn't normally give it.
4. Guaranteed to cheat on you so someone else can endure his lack of lovemaking skills most of the time.
3. No need to feel guilty for abusing or deceiving them.
2. Jerks will actually tell you when they don't like what you're doing instead of getting mad about it six months later.
1. Looking for someone you can't trust, and won't care about too much, who will abuse you mentally and financially, but you don't know any lawyers.

BEER CONTAINS FEMALE HORMONES
[Thanks to Craig]

Scientists have revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove this theory the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

HE BLINDED ME WITH SCIENCE...
[Thanks to Craig]

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend your time with a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed spending time with his mistress, because of the passion and the mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah," said the engineer. "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other, and you can go the lab and get some work done."

BRITISH PROTOCOL

John Cleese was on American TV recently and was asked for the difference between English and American people. In reply he said that there were three:

We speak English and you don't.

When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries.

When you meet the head of state in England, you only have to go down on one knee.

A LESSON IN BOYLE'S LAW
[Thanks to Sharon and John — John Garison's Home Page ]

Actual question given on a University of Washington physics mid term: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell as to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until: All Hell breaks loose.

Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until: Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in that area, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

SOME THINGS MEN CAN SAY WHEN CAUGHT LOOKING AT ANOTHER WOMAN:
[Thanks to Craig]

I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)

Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.

I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)

Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her.)

I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case.

Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!

Hey, that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy, am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.

I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here... maybe it will camouflage your drool).

I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but its worth a try).
Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine)

PROFESSIONAL OPINIONS
[Thanks to Craig]

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."

"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered."

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."

BUSINESS AS USUAL...

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in business."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

FRACTURED FAIRY TALES
[Thanks to John]

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love- struck and "very* satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly... Peter, Peter something or other..."

———————————————————————————————————————

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

———————————————————————————————————————

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

———————————————————————————————————————

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio went to Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?

TITANIC vs. CLINTON
[Thanks to Twila]

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio wildly popular.
CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to hillary

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THE WEEKLY RIOTJanuary 8, 1999

THE WEEKLY RIOT
January 8, 1999