THE WEEKLY RIOT
January 1, 1999






"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions."
Joey Adams





THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION (From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")

Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.




INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Rule number one: The woman makes the rules
Rule number two: When in doubt about the rules, see rule number one.



When this guy I met online asked if I wanted a Plutonic relationship. At first I thought he was a bad speller. Then I found out he really thought he was a cartoon dog. Anna L. Juarez

If we really want Saddam Hussein out of office, let's just ask Monica Lewinsky to give him a hummer and then tell Linda Tripp about it. Bob Van Voris

Copyright 1998, Chris White






YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.




DRINKING GUIDE FOR THE HOLIDAYS

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth




THE ALTOIDS STORY
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page ]

I had the most interesting conversation with the top sales weasel at our company today. She came into my office and noticed I had a box of Altoids on my desk. (Have you had them? They are these obnoxiously strong peppermints made in England.) As soon as she saw them, she burst into laughter. Turns out she had recently had an affair with a guy who called her and left her an incredibly steamy voice mail message after an encounter. He went on and on about what a blow job goddess she was, how amazing she was, how he'd never be the same, etc.

She was kind of puzzled, thinking: what did I do to this guy that was so different from my regular technique? She finally figured it out: she's a smoker, and before getting intimate with him, she had gone to the bathroom to "freshen up." Not having a toothbrush, she crunched on about four Altoids and then got busy. Apparently things went amazingly.

So she passed this little tidbit on to another female sales weasel, who immediately tried it out on her fiance. Apparently this guy has never, ever been into oral sex, but liked the mint sensation so much that he asked her to stop and chew another Altoid mid-blow job. He is now a fellatio gourmand.

This news has been going around our office. Having a box of Altoids on your desk is now like being part of the Secret Blowjob Goddess Society. It's the equivalent of having the hottest car or coolest computer. News spread like crazy among the females, who all went out at lunch to Walgreens to buy a box of Altoids (about $2 for 100 or so), and their partners across the city tonight are getting one hell of a corporate blow job. As far as company-wide morale boosting events, it doesn't get much better.

Some of the men found out, too they went out after work to buy them for their wives. They strategized on how to get their wives to eat them. And people wonder why I work in technology.




MY CHRISTMAS WISH

If I had 1 wish this Christmas, it would be for all the children of the world to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony.


If I had 2 wishes this Christmas, it would be for:
  1. All the Children of the world to sing together
  2. $1,000,000 tax free


If I had 3 wishes this Christmas:
  1. Kids singing together
  2. $1,000,000 tax free per year for life
  3. To have all encompassing power over the universe


If I had 4 wishes this Christmas:
  1. The crap about the kids
  2. $1,000,000
  3. All encompassing power
  4. 1 extended orgasm to last 30 days, brought about by 2 super models and, of course, my wife


Let's face it, the logistics of getting all those kids together is impossible. So, let's rearrange:
  1. All encompassing power
  2. The orgasm
  3. The money


OHHH!! I forgot to strike down my enemies. Okay, so we add that in. Now.. My wish this Christmas would be:
  1. The power
  2. To strike down my enemies, may they die like pigs in hell
  3. The orgasm
  4. The Money
  5. And with my fifth wish this holiday season I would like for all the children of the world to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony.





THE TOP 10 PORN GODDESS PET PEEVES

10. Recent flood of scripts with scenes involving cigars.
9. Your SAG card isn't as impressive as it could be because it bears the name "BUSTY CHIXX."
8. Video sales dropped 20% after Starr Report posted on the Web.
7. Auto mechanic always over-stressing the words pump, hose, fill and lube when he works on your car.
6. Can't enjoy a simple hot dog without thinking about work.
5. Friggin' plumber always seems to break more than he fixes, conveniently guaranteeing himself weekly visits to the house.
4. Chauffeurs who keep asking if you want your top down.
3. Those embarrassing "Bring Your Daughter To Work Day" moments.
2. All that pesky dialogue was my line "yes, yes, oh baby!", or "oh baby, yes, yes!"?

      and Top5's Number 1 Porn Goddess Pet Peeve...

1. IRS auditors who keep demanding tangible evidence for "proof of employment."

The Top 5 List
Copyright 2000, by Chris White






SAYINGS THAT SHOULD BE ON BUTTONS
[Thanks to Fawn]







THE TOP 9 WAYS TO PREPARE FOR THE MILLENNIUM BUG

9. Sell stock in Microsoft and AOL, invest everything in shotguns and bottled water.
8. Move computer's clock ahead now to test for co^^^NO CARRIER
7. Start writing an exquisitely obscene job-resignation letter.
6. Stockpile semen to repopulate Earth in case post-Apocalypse chicks still won't have sex with you.
5. Open checking accounts in dozens of different banks with no more than $20 in each, and wait for a windfall.
4. Convert to Judaism, then begin worrying about the Y10K bug.
3. Party like its 1899.
2. Discard toasters made before 1995 because nobody likes bread toasted for 2 minutes and 100 years.

     and Topfive.com's Number 1 Ways to Prepare for the Millennium Bug...

1. Send Schwarzenegger back in time to bitch slap those lazy COBOL engineers.

The Top 5 List
Copyright 2000, by Chris White






MORE EVIDENCE THAT THE WORLD IS FULL OF COMPLETE IDIOTS:
[Thanks to Craig]





MORE GREAT LITERARY WORKS...
[Thanks to Craig]

The Edward Bulwer-Lytton Prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries. Some recent winners:



AND THE BEST OF ALL:





LAWYER JOKES
[Thanks to Craig]


Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Q: Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.




MAMMOGRAMS

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your own home.

EXERCISE #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the wait. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

EXERCISE #2: Locate a large bench-type vise. While standing in the most uncomfortable upright position you can manage, insert your most sensitive breast between the squeeze plates. Hold your breath. Tighten down the handle on the vise until you are about to cry. Make three more turns on the handle for good measure.

EXERCISE #3: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE #4: Visit your garage at three in the morning when the temperature so the floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm clothes and lay uncomfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of your family car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other side.

Congratulations! Now you are prepared for your next mammogram.




DIARY OF A CHRISTMAS PRESENT
[Thanks to Sharon]


For my Christmas gift this year my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

The club suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.

Day 1: Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!

Day 2: Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4: Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5: I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies professor?

Day 6: Got Tanya's message on my answering machine wondering where I was. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7: Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.




ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS WE SHOULD SEE






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