THE WEEKLY RIOT
January 1, 1999
"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions."
— Joey Adams
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION (From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
Rule number one: The woman makes the rules
Rule number two: When in doubt about the rules, see rule number one.
When this guy I met online asked if I wanted a Plutonic relationship. At first I thought he was a bad speller. Then I found out he really thought he was a cartoon dog. — Anna L. Juarez
If we really want Saddam Hussein out of office, let's just ask Monica Lewinsky to give him a hummer and then tell Linda Tripp about it. — Bob Van Voris
Copyright © 1998, Chris White
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
DRINKING GUIDE FOR THE HOLIDAYS
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth
THE ALTOIDS STORY
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page ]
I had the most interesting conversation with the top sales weasel at our company today. She came into my office and noticed I had a box of Altoids on my desk. (Have you had them? They are these obnoxiously strong peppermints made in England.) As soon as she saw them, she burst into laughter. Turns out she had recently had an affair with a guy who called her and left her an incredibly steamy voice mail message after an encounter. He went on and on about what a blow job goddess she was, how amazing she was, how he'd never be the same, etc.
She was kind of puzzled, thinking: what did I do to this guy that was so different from my regular technique? She finally figured it out: she's a smoker, and before getting intimate with him, she had gone to the bathroom to "freshen up." Not having a toothbrush, she crunched on about four Altoids and then got busy. Apparently things went amazingly.
So she passed this little tidbit on to another female sales weasel, who immediately tried it out on her fiance. Apparently this guy has never, ever been into oral sex, but liked the mint sensation so much that he asked her to stop and chew another Altoid mid-blow job. He is now a fellatio gourmand.
This news has been going around our office. Having a box of Altoids on your desk is now like being part of the Secret Blowjob Goddess Society. It's the equivalent of having the hottest car or coolest computer. News spread like crazy among the females, who all went out at lunch to Walgreens to buy a box of Altoids (about $2 for 100 or so), and their partners across the city tonight are getting one hell of a corporate blow job. As far as company-wide morale boosting events, it doesn't get much better.
Some of the men found out, too — they went out after work to buy them for their wives. They strategized on how to get their wives to eat them. And people wonder why I work in technology.
MY CHRISTMAS WISH
If I had 1 wish this Christmas, it would be for all the children of the world to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony.
If I had 2 wishes this Christmas, it would be for:
- All the Children of the world to sing together
- $1,000,000 tax free
If I had 3 wishes this Christmas:
- Kids singing together
- $1,000,000 tax free per year for life
- To have all encompassing power over the universe
If I had 4 wishes this Christmas:
- The crap about the kids
- All encompassing power
- 1 extended orgasm to last 30 days, brought about by 2 super models and, of course, my wife
Let's face it, the logistics of getting all those kids together is impossible. So, let's rearrange:
- All encompassing power
- The orgasm
- The money
OHHH!! I forgot to strike down my enemies. Okay, so we add that in. Now.. My wish this Christmas would be:
- The power
- To strike down my enemies, may they die like pigs in hell
- The orgasm
- The Money
- And with my fifth wish this holiday season I would like for all the children of the world to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony.
THE TOP 10 PORN GODDESS PET PEEVES
10. Recent flood of scripts with scenes involving cigars.
9. Your SAG card isn't as impressive as it could be because it bears the name "BUSTY CHIXX."
8. Video sales dropped 20% after Starr Report posted on the Web.
7. Auto mechanic always over-stressing the words pump, hose, fill and lube when he works on your car.
6. Can't enjoy a simple hot dog without thinking about work.
5. Friggin' plumber always seems to break more than he fixes, conveniently guaranteeing himself weekly visits to the house.
4. Chauffeurs who keep asking if you want your top down.
3. Those embarrassing "Bring Your Daughter To Work Day" moments.
2. All that pesky dialogue — was my line "yes, yes, oh baby!", or "oh baby, yes, yes!"?
and Top5's Number 1 Porn Goddess Pet Peeve...
1. IRS auditors who keep demanding tangible evidence for "proof of employment."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
SAYINGS THAT SHOULD BE ON BUTTONS
[Thanks to Fawn]
- Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
- Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
- Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
- A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
- Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
- Do I look like a fucking people person?
- This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
- I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
- I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
- I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- You! Off my planet!
- Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
- Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
- Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
- I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
- Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
- If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
- Does your train of thought have a caboose?
- Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
- And just how may I fuck you over today?
- And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
- I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
- If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
- See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
- A PBS mind in an MTV world.
- Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
- Allow me to introduce my selves.
- Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
- Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
- Better living through denial.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
- Adult child of alien invaders.
- Do they ever shut up on your planet?
- I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
- Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
- I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
- Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
- Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
- Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
- Back off! You're standing in my aura.
- I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
- Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
- Adults are just kids who owe money.
- One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
- I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
- I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
- It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
- I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
- You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
- Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
- Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
- Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
- Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
- Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
- Chaos, panic, & disorder — my work here is done.
- A woman's favorite position is CEO.
- Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
- You look like shit. Is that the style now?
- Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
- Earth is full. Go home.
- Is it time for your medication or mine?
- Does this condom make me look fat?
- Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
- I plead contemporary insanity.
- And which dwarf are you?
- I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
- Meandering to a different drummer.
- I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
- I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
THE TOP 9 WAYS TO PREPARE FOR THE MILLENNIUM BUG
9. Sell stock in Microsoft and AOL, invest everything in shotguns and bottled water.
8. Move computer's clock ahead now to test for co^^^NO CARRIER
7. Start writing an exquisitely obscene job-resignation letter.
6. Stockpile semen to repopulate Earth in case post-Apocalypse chicks still won't have sex with you.
5. Open checking accounts in dozens of different banks with no more than $20 in each, and wait for a windfall.
4. Convert to Judaism, then begin worrying about the Y10K bug.
3. Party like its 1899.
2. Discard toasters made before 1995 because nobody likes bread toasted for 2 minutes and 100 years.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Ways to Prepare for the Millennium Bug...
1. Send Schwarzenegger back in time to bitch slap those lazy COBOL engineers.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
MORE EVIDENCE THAT THE WORLD IS FULL OF COMPLETE IDIOTS:
[Thanks to Craig]
- Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
- A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
- A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
- The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
- A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, 14 pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
- Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
- A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
- Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
- When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
- A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
MORE GREAT LITERARY WORKS...
[Thanks to Craig]
The Edward Bulwer-Lytton Prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries. Some recent winners:
- "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."
- "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
- "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
- "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: 'Andre creep . . . Andre creep . .Andre creep.' "
- "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon — to become the woman he loved."
- "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store."
- "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
- "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
- "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear,' a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death — in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE BEST OF ALL:
- "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!'"
[Thanks to Craig]
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Q: Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your own home.
EXERCISE #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the wait. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
EXERCISE #2: Locate a large bench-type vise. While standing in the most uncomfortable upright position you can manage, insert your most sensitive breast between the squeeze plates. Hold your breath. Tighten down the handle on the vise until you are about to cry. Make three more turns on the handle for good measure.
EXERCISE #3: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE #4: Visit your garage at three in the morning when the temperature so the floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm clothes and lay uncomfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of your family car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other side.
Congratulations! Now you are prepared for your next mammogram.
DIARY OF A CHRISTMAS PRESENT
[Thanks to Sharon]
For my Christmas gift this year my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
The club suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
Day 1: Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!
Day 2: Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4: Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5: I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya — I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage — YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies professor?
Day 6: Got Tanya's message on my answering machine wondering where I was. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7: Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS WE SHOULD SEE
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at 100 yards.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what ever happened to your pants anyway.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named "Psycho."
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you're invisible (or invincible).
- WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
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