THE WEEKLY RIOT
December 25, 1998





"I am thinking of you today because it is Christmas and I wish you happiness. And tomorrow, because it will be the day after Christmas, I shall still wish you happiness. My thoughts and my wishes will be with you always. Whatever joy comes to you will make me glad. All through the year... I wish you the spirit of Christmas."
— Henry Van Dyke




THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION (From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")

Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.



INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
[Thanks to David for these]

 I was in bed one night when my boyfriend Ernie said, "How come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?" I said to him, "Ernie, you're never around." — Bette Midler

"My wife's been faking her orgasms, in front of my friends." — Tony Daro

"Sexual therapists think the whole problem is we don't communicate enough. Dr. Ruth says as women we should tell our lovers how to make love to us. My boyfriend goes nuts if I tell him how to drive!" — Pam Stone



YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.



IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:

--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1998, Jim Rosenberg



The Artist Formerly Known as Prince and his wife of three years, Mayte Garcia-Nelson, plan to annul their marriage to show it is based on more than just a legal contract.
If he had gone the divorce route, he would have taken the standard name, "The Husband Formerly Known as Wealthy."

South Korean says its navy ships sunk a suspected North Korean spy submarine Friday.
"We had a pretty good idea it was up and down when 'B-6' was a hit, and then we were *_certain_* when 'B-7' was a miss," said a jubilant Kim Kim Kim.

Internet software company Ask Jeeves says it entered into an agreement with Dell Computer Corp. to use its plain English question-and-answer systems on its customer support Web site.
Dell officials expressed disappointment that the first twelve questions posed were all "what are you wearing right now?"

Russia said Friday it was recalling its ambassador to the U.S. in response to the U.S.-British air strikes on Iraq.
The Ambassador will be home as soon as he can score some Levi's jeans and bum some money for the airfare.

In Mexico City, the Popocatepetl volcano erupted again Thursday night, throwing red-hot rocks as far as two miles away.
The U.S. Geographic Survey declared it "the second most significant eruption of the year," after the one memorialized on Monica Lewinsky's blue cocktail dress.

Jean Tiberi, mayor of Paris, officially launched his city's bid to host the 2008 Olympics.
The theme: "Play your stupid games and leave us alone, you nasty people."

Nobel Peace Prize laureate Rigoberta Menchu, accused of distorting facts in her autobiography, said in remarks published Thursday she would "defend the book to the death."
The Nobel Committee said it was looking into the matter, and that it would all be settled on the "Nobel Catfight" episode of the next Jerry Springer show.

—————————————————————

--== THE DAILY PROBE ==--
Copyright © 1998, Chris White



BALLOONS AFFECT INTELLIGENCE

AMERICAN UNIVERSITY (DPI) — What had long been theorized through interpretation of clown behavior, has now been proven: balloons lower the intelligence quotient in men by a full thirty points. In a clinical setting, researchers administered an IQ test to fifteen "bright" to "extremely intelligent" males. All the males scored as expected. Female researchers then hid large water balloons in their brassieres and re-administered the exact same oral and written test. Men close enough to smell the rubber fumes of the balloons were distracted, incoherent, and did not have the concentration to keep their eyes on the written portion of the test, often staring slack-jawed at the source of the balloon smell. All dropped at least 30 points in score. In the interest of safety, American University plans to petition the FDA to ban all rubber balloon products. — Reported by Diana Heche



THE TOP FIVE REJECTED CHRISTMAS TOYS
[Thanks to Craig]

5. Nintendo 666: It's not a video game system... it's a gateway straight to Hell! Invite your friends over for a game of Super Mario and have hours of fun sacrificing them to your new dark master. Redemption NOT included.

4. GI Joe "Mission to Bosnia" Play set: Join Joe and his mercenary pals as they fly thousands of miles, set up camp, and then do absolutely nothing! The set comes with bright blue, easy-to-target-with-a-sniper-rife helmets and fully "unloaded" M-16s.

3. Michael Jordan "Space Scam" Action Figure: It's a small piece of plastic that doesn't do squat but you'll feel just like your dealing with the real MJ because it costs $25 million and you only get to keep it till next Christmas.

2. "Gates-opoly" from Parker Brothers: Just like the old "Monopoly" but only one person can play and you start the game with all the property on the board and all the money in the bank. You then spend the next few fun filled hours trying to buy or destroy all of the other Parker Brothers board games.

And the number one Rejected Christmas Toy:

1. XXX-Files Action Figures: Now you can do what Mulder and Scully should a been doing many seasons ago – rutting like wild boars in heat! No UFO's. No Bigfoot. No
scar-faced, telepathic serial killers... just hours of meaningless sex in a cheap hotel on the FBI's AmEx card. The truth may be "out there" but the quality lovin' is "right here".



END OF THE YEAR HISTORY QUIZ

Today we're going to have a little pop quiz to test your knowledge of current events! You've probably heard the adage "those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat history"? If you're like me, there's a lot of recent history you'd just as soon not see again, so let's see where we stand. Just complete the following sentences with the phrase that best represents the historical facts. (Answers are given below.)

------- ------- ------- -------

1. Now that the cruel glare of publicity is fading, poor Monica Lewinsky can finally get:
  1. a life.
  2. a real job.
  3. a new married boyfriend.


2. After failing to line up enough votes to keep his post as Speaker Of The House, Newt Gingrich graciously conceded defeat, in the manner of:
  1. General Lee at Appomattox.
  2. General Custer at the Little Big Horn.
  3. a cornered rat.


3. Since the election last November, Kenneth Starr's status among the Republicans can be likened to that of:
  1. a leg-humping miniature poodle at a dinner party.
  2. a cockroach in a burrito.
  3. a "Baby Ruth candy bar-type object" floating in a swimming pool.


------- ------- ------- -------

BONUS QUESTION:

Q. Which famed televangelist not only used his Senator-father's political influence to avoid active duty in the Korean War, but also became the proud father of his first child a mere seven months after his hastily arranged marriage?

  1. Howdy Doody.
  2. Mahatma Gandhi.
  3. Pat Robertson.


—————————————————————

ANSWERS: all answers are "C".

Copyright © 1998, Chris White





THE TOP 13 TOPICS FOR THE "TOP 5" LIST IN THE YEAR 2098

13. Top 5 Reasons Dick Clark's Hair Is Still Brown
12. Top 5 Signs Adam Sandler is Too Old to be Re-elected President
11. Top 5 Signs Your Galactiball Team Won't Beat the Ganymede Cosmobots This Astroyear
10. Top 5 Strom Thurmond Campaign Slogans
9. Top 5 Revived Walt Disney Pet Peeves
8. Top 5 Surprises on The Rolling Stones New Tour
7. Top 5 Signs You, Too, Might Be a Distant Relative of William Jefferson Clinton
6. Top 5 Ways To Tell Your Parents You're Straight
5. Top 5 Benefits of the USA/Microsoft Merger
4. Top 5 Reasons to Pull the Life Support on the 110-Year-Old Olsen Twins
3. Top 5 Signs You Went Outside Without Your 250 SPF Sunblock
2. Top 5 Things You Don't Want to Find in Your Dinner Pill

      and Top5's Number 1 Top 5 List Topic in the Year 2098...

1. Top 5 Signs Your Roommate's Sexdroid is in the Shop

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White





ENGLISH 101
[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Home Page ]


A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:



The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"



THE THREE STAGES OF LIFE:

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You *are* Santa Claus.



A COMING HOME GIFT

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.



CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then all of a sudden the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight, and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, "We'll take all three of them." Then he goes over to the Shoe Dept. and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but OK, if you like it then lets get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband says, "No, no, no, honey we're not going to BUY all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Wife's face gets really red, and she is about to explode. Just then the husband says, "Honey, obviously you must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!"



CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
[Thanks to Craig]



10 WAYS TO KNOW YOU'VE HAD WILD SEX
[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Home Page ]

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
6. You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.



MARTIANS vs VENUSIANS: THE HOLIDAY CONTROVERSIES
[Thanks to Craig]















HOLIDAY GREETINGS

An ecumenical greeting from Jerusalem from the three great religions was issued Christmas Day representing Christians, Jews and Moslems:

Ho, Ho, Ho!!!

Oy, Oy, Oy!!!

Death to the American Satans!!!



CHRISTMAS SIGNS

Toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."

Bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."

Outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."

At a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."

A Texas jeweller store: "Diamond tiaras — $70,000. Three for $200,000."

A reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."

In a stationery store: "For the man who has everything... a calendar to remind him when payments are due."



ORGANIZATIONAL CHANGES AT THE NORTH POLE

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was necessary due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

  • The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

  • The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

  • The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

  • The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

  • The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

  • The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

  • The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

  • As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

  • Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

  • Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

  • Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

    We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing) action is pending.

    Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    To All a Merry Christmas and a very good night.




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