THE WEEKLY RIOT
December 31, 1999
We are all wanderers on this earth.
Our hearts are full of wonder, and our souls are deep with dreams.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
I don't care about Y2K. Guess you could call me Y2K complacent.
Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton Commemorative Holiday Belt Buckle? ...It's made out of Mistletoe!
Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow hips change places.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
When I got to the airline counter, I was impressed by the lovely Christmas decorations. I looked up and noticed that I was standing under a mistletoe, but then I realized that it was there so that I could KISS MY LUGGAGE GOODBYE!
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
What would *really* be scary is if the new millennium started on Friday the 13th. Todd Loushine
I'd like to send a picture of myself to some distant star, thousands of light-years away, because by the time the aliens realize I'm mooning them, I'll have been dead for centuries. Jeffrey Lampert
A SPECIAL MEDITATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUMFeeling Stressed Out?
(which really doesn't start until January 1, 2001, but what the hell go for it!)
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!... back under they go...
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now... feeling better?
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
MILLENNIUM: Y2K consultants and U.S. federal officials are saying that the advent of the year 2000 should cause few, if any, problems. Hospitals, power plants, air traffic control systems and prisons are all Y2K ready...
[Besides, if there is any problem, they'll be in immediate contact with President McKinley...]
ENTERTAINMENT: 45-year-old Jerry Seinfeld wed fiancee Jessica Sklar Saturday in a quiet ceremony after sundown in accordance with Jewish tradition...
[Now SHE is master of his domain...]
THE END OF THE WORLD ON MTV: (Cleveland) MTV has picked six people for its millennium bunker. The cable music network has tapped three men and three women to stay in the bunker from Sunday until New Year's Day. It wants them there in the event of a millennial apocalypse so they could then repopulate the world and assure it a future audience. The "bunker-nauts" will climb into their temporary quarters in New York City, built from three tornado shelters in the basement of The New York Times building, near the network's Times Square studios. Among those chosen for the project is Maureen Kyle, 19, of suburban Westlake. MTV chose Kyle because of her wholesome Midwestern values. She said her parents understand that her role could entail sex with strangers should civilization reach its end. "They haven't talked about it," she said. Video from the bunker will be broadcast 24 hours a day on the Internet.
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
[So if the world doesn't blow up this New Year's Eve, tune in MTV where you can watch three guys trying to convince a Midwesterner that all the noise out there is in fact the world coming to an end ]
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
MEMPHIS A blind man tried to rob a bank as a security guard who helped him to the teller's window stood nearby, police say. Bruce Edward Hall, 48, entered the bank Tuesday, accepted the guard's help, then gave a teller a note demanding money, police said. The teller mouthed, "It's a robbery" to a guard, then gave Hall some bills.
[The get-away car outside had two white canes duct taped to the front fenders.]
Instead of a blonde joke this week, some possibly helpful info:
If you have a VCR that's not Y2K compliant, set it to the year 1972 instead of buying a new one 1972 has the same dates and days of the week as the year 2000 and it should work just fine.
WARNING!!! WARNING!!! WARNING!!!
[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations]
On January 1, do not open any email, do not go anywhere, do not eat anything, do not wake up...
The world will be infected with a life threatening virus known as "Holy shit the world is still here" virus...
It will infect every human being alive who believes their car, refrigerator, microwave, and sphincter gland are going to shut down due to the terrible Y2K virus. Some visible signs of this virus will be food that is still fresh sitting in your fridge, a car that actually works, and a bank account with all the money it had in it the night before.
If any of you experience any of these symptoms please call the following number...
1-888-525-HAHA F Y2K
THE TOP 14 SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR IS PREPARING A Y2K BUNKER
14. He keeps asking if your daughters are "good breeding stock."
13. Her excuse for running over your dog? "There was a freeze-dried ice cream sale at Wal-Mart."
12. You catch him throwing cans of Spam into what you thought was an old tree stump.
11. Asks if you know anyone who would like five thousand bags of topsoil.
10. Turret with gun barrel now poking up from his kid's sandbox.
9. Fido's been getting into their flower bed for years, but this is his first land mine detonation.
8. He's throwing a New Year's Eve party for "all fertile women ages 18-35."
7. What looks like a cement truck is now filling her empty pool with pork 'n' beans.
6. For weeks, he's been trying to develop a taste for his own urine.
5. Shows you her new cookbook, "450 Recipes for Rice-a-Roni."
4. Says he's building a wine cellar but the trucks are delivering malt liquor and Ripple.
3. Says his new shotgun is for "keeping mutants away from the womenfolk."
2. Abandons his Noah's Ark Recreation project and to slaughter and salt-cure the pairs of animals instead.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Neighbor is Preparing a Y2K Bunker...
1. "Kidnap a Hooters waitress and repopulate the Earth" seems like an odd New Year's resolution.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE MILLENNIUM BUG
It seems that computer programs are full of "bugs," so named because that's what many software engineers look like. And, the worst bug is the Y2K, which, if left unaddressed, could result in the following calamities:
Bill Clinton might be constitutionally eligible to run for a third term.
Chevy might bring back the Vega.
Airlines might accidentally install seats large enough for people to sit in.
Due to a crash in their phone systems, you could call a bank and wind up talking to a person instead of a recording.
The White House might start charging drug dealers the wrong rate for a night in the Lincoln Bedroom.
As the ball drops on New Year's Eve in Times Square in New York, it might get stuck, meaning Dick Clark would be on television forever.
Kenneth Starr would lose all of his data and have to start his investigation over from scratch.
Your VCR would stop blinking MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT MIDNIGHT and start blinking NOON NOON NOON.
Tony Orlando might decide the time is right for a comeback.
If you are one of those people who have trouble adjusting to Daylight Savings Time, imagine the headaches you'll have to endure when we start the 1900s all over again!
Probably the worst fear people have about Y2K is that the banks will lose all of their data, and no one will be able to get money out. To prevent this, some experts are recommending withdrawing large amounts of cash and stuffing your mattress with it, which sounds to me like a pretty good way to guarantee a back ache.
Here's a better idea... withdraw your money, and send it to me. I promise I won't lose it to the Y2K bug. I can't promise about the MasterCard and Visa bug, but better the bug you know than the one you don't, I always say. (Well, OK... I never actually have said that before.)
THE BEST USES FOR FRUITCAKE1. Bury them in the back yard for future archaeologists to discover.
2. Give them to your child for a science project.
3. Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one Fruitcake that's making its rounds every year!!
4. Use it to hold up a broken table or chair leg.
5. Mash them down and use for mortar when building a log cabin.
6. Use as exercise stepping block for step aerobics.
7. Makes a wonderful dessert for Road Kill Cafe fare.
8. Use them to pave the freeways with. Just place them on the road and run a steamroller over them.
9. Use them as fillers to repair the river levees with! They last indefinitely and are so dense, water can never penetrate them.
10. Last and probably least try eating it! One way to get rid of it!
THE TOP 14 THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE OFFICE HOLIDAY PARTY
14. "So I said, 'Irv, if you don't put down that damn Uzi, you can just forget about a raise this year'."
13. "President Clinton, the copier is not a toy."
12. "To all employees: Please go to xmasparty.com for your free holiday drink."
11. "Hot hors d'oeuvres for 1,000: $2500;
Santa Suit for the CEO: $50;
Hearing them whine for a raise: priceless!"
10. "Wow! Do you invite ALL your new interns to see the oval office?"
9. "What do they mean, 'year end profit'? We're an Internet company!"
8. "Oh, puh-leeze! I'll bet he put the copier on zoom 200%."
7. "Damn!!! Mistletoe everywhere and *I've* got sexual harassment charges hanging over me."
6. "The company policy is 'No Office Romances' it says nothing about cheap, meaningless sex on the boss's desk."
5. "Here's your Zima, Mr. Gore."
4. "When the boss called me into his office to give me a pink slip, I didn't think he wanted me to *wear* it."
3. "Don't worry, we have plenty of time to get the Nuclear Missile Launch program Y2K compliant, besides, I always code better after a few drinks."
2. "Why, Mr. Gates! Another copy of Windows! You shouldn't have."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Office Holiday Party...
1. "Oh, man, Bob's making photocopies of his ass agai-- BOB, WAIT!! THAT'S THE SHREDDER!!!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO...PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
(especially when you share the same major)
SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
RELIGION: Each prays for reconciliation and/or curses God
ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
THEATER: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"
PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.
JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."
WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"
BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.
HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.
GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."
ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really say anything substantively intelligible.
EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.
COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes we just couldn't interface" and/or "His hard drive was more like a floppy."
E. ENGINEER: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are positives and negatives, but..."
ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."
JEWISH STUDIES: "OY! You should feel so guilty!"
PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?
ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated communication skills.
PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.
CHEMISTRY: "It was just the wrong chemistry between us..."
COUNSELING: Each urges the other to, "Get help!"
MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in some parts, a country song) to express his or her sorrow.
LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
THE TOP 15 REJECTED CHILDREN'S BOOKS
15. Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?
14. The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and Coloring Book
13. The Frog Formerly Known as Prince
12. Alice in WonderBraLand
11. 40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie
10. Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland
9. The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book
8. The Crack House at Pooh Corner
7. The Dummy's Guide to Crying
6. When Mommy Leaves Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It
5. Where's Waldo's Weewee?
4. The Dyslexic's Big Anagram Book
3. Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
2. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Children's Book...
1. Furious George Delivers the Mail
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
TIPS FOR GETTING THE MOST FROM YOUR I.T. DEPARTMENT
[Thanks again to John]
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing or us to remember 300 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into our mail because your computer won't power on at all.
6. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
7. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
8. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
9. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
10. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
11. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors.
12. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
14. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
15. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
16. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
17. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up".
18. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
19. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.
20. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
21. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
22. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway.
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.
26. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love to hack.
27. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
28. When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
29. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
30. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.
31. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on.
32. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.
33. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
34. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.
WHAT MEN *REALLY* MEAN...
[Thanks again to John]
"I'm going fishing."
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
"I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
"I like you more than my truck."
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her."
"She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."