THE WEEKLY RIOT
December 24, 1999
When all seems lost,
Look at love to find your way.
Unknown Author
Look at love to find your way.
Unknown Author
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Let us embrace,
And from this very moment,
Vow an eternal misery together.
Thomas Otway, "The Orphan
Men have two emotions: Hungry and horny If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.
"I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go." Rose in Titanic. Several seconds later, poor little Jack sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic...
The Melissa Virus is named after a topless dancer If you get it on your laptop, it demands you put $20 into the floppy drive.
Q: What's the approximate Square Root of 69?
A: Eight Something
"Veni Vedi Vici" (I came, I saw, I conquered) Julius Caesar
"Veni Vedi Veni" Hugh Hefner
"Veni Vedi Vedi" The Texas Chainsaw Massacrer
The grass is always greener on the other side, until you jump the fence and see the weeds up close. Albert Grashuis
Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.
The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.
When will all the rhetorical questions end?
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
The only thing worse than women are women who tell me I'm a misogynist. John Avery
I think unrequited love is the best kind, because you get all the waiting, pining, longing, queasy stomach feelings without ruining it by having to talk to the person, remember things about them, and apologize after burning down their house. Graham Alig
If you say that life has no meaning, I ask, "What's your point?" Ed Smith
It's not whether you win or lose it's the amount of money and material possessions you have that you can use to make others feel hopelessly inadequate. Tom Sims
Why is it that every 4 weeks or so, some Chinese guy calls my pager? Who is this Lo Cell, and what does he want with me? Dave Henry
And, in the end, the love you take is pretty much equal to the love someone else is willing to put out, I'd say. Lev L. Spiro
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
I love myself. Often.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
SEX: Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."
POLITICS: Motion Picture Association of America President Jack Valenti is retiring, and one story making its way around Hollywood is that President Clinton will take his place after leaving the White House...
[This will change the ratings system if there's oral sex in a film it can still be a "G" it's not real sex!!!]
INTERNET: In Littleton, Colorado, classes and final exams at Columbine High School were canceled after a student received a death threat in an Internet chat room...
[The Web Hosting Company (AOL) was shocked by the poster's behavior, and said if he couldn't just stalk and romance underage high schoolers like everybody else in the chat room he'd be removed...]
HEALTH: U.S. Surgeon General Dr. David Satcher says one in five Americans will have some sort of mental illness this year, but half of the 10 million Americans with a serious
disorder will not get treatment...
[Not only that 10 out of five are schizophrenic...]
TRAVEL: The Dutch Yab Yum brothel chain wants to open a branch at Amsterdam's Schiphol Airport next year to cater to stressed travelers. The Yam Yum Caviar Club primarily would target those in transit with time between planes or early arrivals
looking to unwind after a stressful flight...
[Talk about your lay-overs...]
SPORTS: Marv Albert will replace Bob Costas as the lead voice on NBA broadcasts for NBC beginning with the 2000-2001 season. Costas stepped in on NBC's NBA broadcasts two years ago when Albert pleaded guilty in a sex assault case. Dick Ebersol, chairman of the network's sports division, announced the change today...
[Plus Marv has signed on to do a pay-per-chew special...]
ENTERTAINMENT: Boy George was nearly killed when he was hit by a giant disco ball that plunged from the ceiling of a British concert hall. Boy George was doing a sound check at the Bournemouth International Center in southern England when the wire holding the 62-lb (28 kg) mirrored ball snapped. Despite being treated for shock and severe bruising, he insisted on performing the show
[Of course, isn't he used to getting slapped in the head by giant balls?]
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by SodaMail
[The visual isn't pretty .Starbucks has however agreed to keep copies of 'The Dummies Guide to Toilets' in each stall.]
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 1999, Jim Rosenberg
[To think this has been going on everywhere, while I've been buying it piecemeal on Pay Per View!]
The Italian firearms company Beretta is calling its new 12-bore, double-barreled shotgun the "Jubilee Gun."
[Here in America, we've got a new 6-bore, two-faced creation, called "The Republican Presidential Debates."]
President Clinton said in an interview that he wants to be like former president Jimmy Carter and go into public service when he leaves office in 2001.
[As opposed to when he was in office when his service was more, well... pubic.]
In Plant City, Florida a small plane coming in for a landing became wedged on top of another one 200 feet in the air, and the interlocked pair landed together without injury to any of the three people on board.
[The two planes smoked a cigarette together, exchanged phone numbers, and promised to call each other.]
Yahoo! and Kmart Corp. are teaming up in a venture that will include a co-branded Internet access service.
[Engineers are working on a busy signal which also give you all kinds of bad attitude as if it's your fault.]
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
BULGES BETRAY OPTIMISTIC SMUGGLER: Hawkeyed customs officials became suspicious of Barbados pet store owner Rodney Carrington when he tried to enter the U.S. with his pants bulging in several unusual places. He told customs officers at Miami International Airport he had nothing to declare, but when the bulges began moving and wriggling they decided to investigate. What they found were 55 4-inch-long red-footed tortoises which Carrington had stuffed down his pants. They cost about $5 in Barbados, but go for up to $75 in the U.S.
["So, is that a snapping turtle in your pocket or..." sorry, someone had to say it, and it might as well be me.]
TAI COCK-CUTTING CATASTROPHE: Another philandering Thai husband has been horribly stripped of his adulterous manhood. Bangkok police captain Samphan Panitphan went on a drinking binge with his buddies last weekend. He returned home and collapsed in a stupor. His unconscious body presented an irresistible target to Sudjai, who carved out some vengeance for his recent extramarital affairs. She cut off his penis! Removing the devious dicks of wandering husbands is becoming all too common in Thailand. The slashing wives' habit is euphemistically referred to as "tat lieng pet" (feeding the duck) due to an incident in which the excised organ was tossed into a yard where a passing duck ate it.
[Whatever happened to bread crusts?]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.
"What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked.
"Tennis balls," the man said smiling back.
"Wow," said the blonde looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable."
AGELESS THOUGHTS...
[Thanks to Patsy]
I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they're doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 42
I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 75
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile. Ageless
AN INSPIRATIONAL POEM
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there were seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."
THE TOP 14 REASONS IT'S BETTER TO SHOP ONLINE
14. No need to saw off that damned house arrest anklet.
13. Wobbly ISP performance not nearly as annoying as wobbly shopping cart wheel.
12. No more blasts of perfume from the sample counter until iSmell becomes available, that is.
11. The terms of your parole prohibit you from coming within 500 yards of a real Victoria's Secret store.
10. Don't have to worry about giving in to that Orange Julius temptation.
9. Since you haven't been able to get through your front door in years, Godiva.com is a Godsend.
8. Within seconds of buying grandma a large-print bible, you're back to downloading that sweet, sweet porn.
7. Can continue to test your theory you can live without leaving your specially designed "BioChair 2."
6. Can openly consult the voices in your head when buying that gift for Jodie Foster.
5. Less contact with other humans means fewer on your list to be gunned down at a later date.
4. You can finally get that kidney Uncle Bob always wanted.
3. In a store, you can't pleasure yourself watching Tommy Lee put it to Pam while your purchase is being wrapped.
2. No insensitive idiots razzing you about that place you tuck your wallet when you shop naked.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason It's Better to Shop Online...
1. When your name is Dick Buttlips, it's better to not have to hand your Visa to a 16 year old sales clerk.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
NEWS FLASH: CLINTON IN HOT WATER AGAIN...
One of the Nations largest Soup Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking Americas shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one the nations most distinguished men.
It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.
MALE LOGIC
The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.
Naturally I replied, "Big tits."
He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big."
THE TOP 13 UPCOMING NASA PROJECTS
12. Remake "Heaven's Gate"
11. Find Planet Ass with both hands
10. Pull up alongside orbiting MIR space station and aggressively rev engines
9. Two words: NASA.com IPO
8. Keep hot side hot, cold side cold
7. Project Scapegoat Locator
6. Debunk that whole "cow jumped over the moon" business
5. $3 million dollar probe to locate all the missing Frisbees on the neighbor's roof
4. "Project Weasel" quantitative study of number of M-80s required to blow up Jesse Helms' mailbox
3. Bi-pedal locomotion concurrent with chewing gum mastication
2. Seek signs of intelligent life on Mars lander project team
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Upcoming NASA Project...
1. Operation Contact Tom Hanks and Ask Him to Make Another Movie Glorifying the Space Program Before the Public Backlash From Recent Failures Gets Out of Hand
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
GOT LITERATURE???
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
The Washington Post asked readers to combine the works of two authors and provide a suitable blurb.
SECOND RUNNER-UP:
"Machiavelli's The Little Prince"
Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.
FIRST RUNNER-UP:
Green Eggs and Hamlet"
Would you kill him in his bed? / Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. / I could not do that evil thing. /would not wed this girl, you see. / Now get her to a nunnery.
AND THE WINNER:
"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities"
An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
"Where's Walden?"
Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.
"Looking for Mr. Godot"
A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a looong wait.
"Catch-22 in the Rye"
Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane.
"As I Lay Winesburg, Ohio"
William Faulkner and Sherwood Anderson tell the unforgettable story of one man's ambitious quest to nail every woman in his home town.
"2001: A Space Iliad"
The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.
"Curious Georgefather"
The monkey finally sticks his nose where it don't belong.
"The Hunchback Also Rises"
Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the good news ...
"The Maltese Faulkner"
Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?
"The Silence of the Hams"
In this endearing update of the Seuss classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables.
"Portnoy's Choice"
A man is forced to choose between his right and left hand.
"Jane Eyre Jordan"
Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.
"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby"
Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of actors only to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in it.
"Tarzan of the Grapes"
The beleaguered Okies of the dust bowl are saved by a strong and brave savage who swings from grapevine to grapevine.
"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"
Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia.
HANDY WORK-RELATED PHRASES
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
Ahhh! I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
It might look like I'm doing nothing but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
THE WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS
[Thanks again to Craig]
"To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
Human Rights Advances in China
"Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
Al Gore: The Wild Years
Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
Easy UNIX
Everything Men Know About Women
French Hospitality
George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
"How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
"One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA
Staple Your Way to Success
The Amish Phone Directory
The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
TIPS FOR MANAGERS AND BOSSES
[Thanks again to Craig]
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
THE TOP 13 SIGNS THAT YOU'RE ON A KLAN-ADOPTED HIGHWAY
NOTE FROM CHRIS: In Missouri, a court ordered that the Ku Klux Klan should be allowed to participate in the state's Adopt-A-Highway program, in which various community groups occasionally clean up litter along designated one-mile stretches of highway, in return for a sign being posted identifying them as the sponsor. Officials discovered, however, that no sooner do the Klan signs go up than some rascals take them down.
And with no sign, how do you know if you're on a Klan highway?
We thought you might ask...
13. Signs say, "Clean Sheets Next Exit"
12. No roadkill in sight but the Triple K Diner's Monday special is "Highway Surprise."
11. IQ and Speed-limits are identical: 55
10. Every hundred feet, another Clorox Bleach billboard.
9. "Soft Shoulder" signs always followed by "Bone-Hard Head" signs.
8. Each mileage marker gives distance to Alabama state line.
7. Road sign says, "Now entering 18th Century"
6. At every exit, another damn Denny's.
5. Hand-lettered signs read, "GRAND WIZERD EXRESWAIY"
4. Accidentally hit a black bear? Get a good Samaritan award!
3. Dorky Day-Glo orange pointy hardhats on roadside workers.
2. David Duke personally welcomes you at the toll both.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're On a Klan-Adopted Highway...
1. Sign reads, "No Oprah for next 200 miles"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
SOUTHERN ETIQUETTE
[Thanks again to Craig]
One day two fine southern ladies were sitting on the porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says, "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?"
To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
The first woman then says, "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises."
The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
"Well, sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?"
"Oh," the second woman responds, "When we first got married he sent me to etiquette school."
"Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks.
To which the second woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewelry their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said, 'I don't give a fuck,' but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."
MATH IN THE 50' vs. THE 90's
*Teaching Math in 1950*
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of Production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
*Teaching Math in 1960*
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
*Teaching Math in 1970*
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?
*Teaching Math in 1980*
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
*Teaching Math in 1990*
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
*Teaching Math in 1996*
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment. *Teaching Math in 1997*
A company outsources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
*Teaching Math in 1998*
A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
*Teaching Math in 1999*
A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 00/00/00?
