T H E W E E K L Y R I O T
January 7, 2000
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world,
the master calls a butterfly.
— Richard Bach
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
7% of the people believe the new millennium begins 1/1/2000.
14% of the people believe the new millennium begins 1/1/2001.
The remaining 79% of us think those 21% should get a life!
Remember — when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
5 out of every 4 Americans has trouble with fractions.
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. — Dave Barry
Que Sera Serf: Life is feudal.
Falling in love is just that — falling.
Sometimes you merely trip and stub your toe.
Sometimes you fall to your hands and knees.
But sometimes you smack your head against the pavement and die.
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. — Goethe
We trained hard — but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we were reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while actually producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization. — Petronius Arbiter, 210 B.C.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. — Emo Phillips
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
If you love something, set it free.
Just make sure you are not near a freeway or anything.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: The Drudge Report reveals that as hundreds of guests attended a New Year's Eve party at the White House, several of the revelers engaged in sex acts in a room off the Rose Garden, according to a Secret Service agent...
[...Repeat: the top story tonight — there's a new sex scandal at the White House... and even more shocking: Bill Clinton is NOT INVOLVED!!!]
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--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
YOUR WEBSITE HAS A CERTAIN AROMA TO IT: What is it with our compulsion to smell things? In the 60s, there was Smell-O-Vision. In the 80s, scratch-and-sniff stickers were all the rage. In the 90s, Japanese aromatherapy took off. Well, it looks like the next aromatic fad could be the addition of scent to webpages. What's that you say? Smelling webpages? This is a joke, right? Nope... there's now iSmell. This is a a funky device (a "personal scent synthesizer") that connects to your computer and emits odors. The hope is to develop "snortals"... sites that function like your typical websites, but incorporate smell.
[This will revolutionize the adult Internet industry.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put a 'scratch 'n sniff' sticker at the bottom of a pool.
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The blonde teen-age girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house. When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants.
"I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered.
"I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria!"
THE TOP 12 THINGS OVERHEARD IN THE YEAR 2999
12. "Thank you for calling Epson. All operators are currently helping other customers. You have been on hold for approximately... one... thousand... years...."
11. "Senator Thurmond, your wife is on line 3."
10. "Another Christmas like this, and Amazon.com just may turn a profit!"
9. "Chris White, you have been defrosted to stand judgment for the recently discovered document known as 'The Rejected Hurricane Name List'."
8. "I found it on the Galactinet — I think it's a picture of how humans used to reproduce."
7. "Hi, I'm Dick Clark, here to count you down into the new millennium!"
6. "I did *not* have cybersex with that netbot."
5. "Okay, I'll go over it one more time: It doesn't really start until January 1, *3001* because..."
4. "Middle East peace talks have been put on hold once again..."
3. "25,000 zelgers, same as on Mars."
2. "We at NASA cannot be discouraged by this recent failure, and we are fully confident that our next manned mission to Mars will be a complete success."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard in the Year 2999...
1. "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Microsoft..."
WOMANLY TRUISMS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM
• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
• I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
• Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
• Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
• It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
• Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
• Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
• Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
• I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
• The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
• Something you will never say: "Hey what an attractive scrotum."
THE TOP 9 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS MADE BY PETS
9. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
8. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
7. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
6. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
5. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
2. Jan. 1: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
Jan. 2 - Dec. 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
1. I will NOT chase the darned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
BIZARRE TRIVIA
• An ordinance in City Grove, California, makes it a misdemeanor to kill or threaten a butterfly.
• One of every four people who attempt to climb Mt. Everest are killed in the process.
• Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions.
• A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release of endorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.
• On an American one-dollar bill, there is a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
The Washington Post asked readers to combine the works of two authors and provide a suitable blurb.
SECOND RUNNER-UP:
"Machiavelli's The Little Prince"
Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.
FIRST RUNNER-UP:
Green Eggs and Hamlet"
Would you kill him in his bed? / Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. / I could not do that evil thing. /would not wed this girl, you see. / Now get her to a nunnery.
AND THE WINNER:
"Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities"
An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
"Where's Walden?"
Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.
"Looking for Mr. Godot"
A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a looong wait.
"Catch-22 in the Rye"
Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane.
"As I Lay Winesburg, Ohio"
William Faulkner and Sherwood Anderson tell the unforgettable story of one man's ambitious quest to nail every woman in his home town.
"2001: A Space Iliad"
The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.
"Curious Georgefather"
The monkey finally sticks his nose where it don't belong.
"The Hunchback Also Rises"
Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the good news ...
"The Maltese Faulkner"
Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?
"The Silence of the Hams"
In this endearing update of the Seuss classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables.
"Portnoy's Choice"
A man is forced to choose between his right and left hand.
"Jane Eyre Jordan"
Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.
"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby"
Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of actors only to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in it.
"Tarzan of the Grapes"
The beleaguered Okies of the dust bowl are saved by a strong and brave savage who swings from grapevine to grapevine.
"Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi"
Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia.
• Ahhh! I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
• I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• No, my powers can only be used for good.
• You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
• Who me? I just wander from room to room.
• My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
• It might look like I'm doing nothing but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
THE WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS
[Thanks again to Craig]
• "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
• The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
• Human Rights Advances in China
• "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
• Al Gore: The Wild Years
• Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
• America's Most Popular Lawyers
• Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
• Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
• Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
• Easy UNIX
• Everything Men Know About Women
• French Hospitality
• George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
• "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
• Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
• "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA
• Staple Your Way to Success
• The Amish Phone Directory
• The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
TIPS FOR MANAGERS AND BOSSES
[Thanks again to Craig]
• Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
• If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
• Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
• If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
• If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
• Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
• If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
• If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
• If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
• Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
• Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
• Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
• Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
SOUTHERN ETIQUETTE
[Thanks again to Craig]
One day two fine southern ladies were sitting on the porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says, "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?"
To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
The first woman then says, "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises."
The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice."
"Well, sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?"
"Oh," the second woman responds, "when we first got married he sent me to etiquette school."
"Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks.
To which the second woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewelry their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said, 'I don't give a fuck,' but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."
POLITICAL POTPOURRI
[Thanks again to Craig]
Q: Why are Democrats better in bed?
A: Because you've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant.
Q: Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?
A: Because they can lie without moving their lips.
Q: What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth?
A: LIAR.
Q: What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?
A: A breeding-heart liberal.
Q: What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a corrupt lawyer?
A: Chelsea.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.
Q: If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress?
THROWING IN THE TOWEL
Fred himself unable to satisfy his wife. He tried hundreds of methods but just wasn't able to do the job. He finally went to his best friend and asked for advice. His friend told him not to worry because he knew a method that was100% successful.
He says, "Hire a big strong guy to stand near your bed and waving a huge towel over both of you while you are having sex. This way your wife will be stimulated and have an orgasm."
The guy hired the strong man, but all efforts were in vain. He went back to his friend and told him what happened. So his friend suggested that they switch places.
"Why don't you wave the towel while the strong man does the job in bed," says the friend. Poor Fred agreed, and said that he would do anything to satisfy his wife. He hired the same guy again and this time they traded positions. Naturally, the wife had a divine orgasm.
The husband leaned over to the strong guy and said, "You see!! That's how you wave the towel!"
BAD PICKUP LINES
"That shirt is very becoming you on you, but if I were on you I'd be coming too."
"So I noticed your a girl..."
"I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you."
"Girl, you ain't never been loved 'till you've been loved by a bullrider."
(The proper response to this one is: "Oh yes — I'm sure it's the best 8 seconds of a girls life...")
"You have the sexiest ankles I've seen since I got back from Saudi."
"Your parents must be retarded because you are special."
"Do you wash your clothes with Windex, cause I can see myself in your pants?"
"Wow, that's a nice dress. It would look even nicer rolled up in a ball next to my bed."
"You remind me of a championship bass — I don't know whether to mount you or eat you."
"Can I have your phone number after we have sex?"
"I may be no Fred Flintstone but I can sure make your Bedrock."
"Baby, they say you are what you eat. Just think... I could be you by morning."
"I lost my virginity, can I have yours?"
"Excuse me, can you make some sheep noises for me?"
"My car won't start, will you jump me?"
"Hello, I am 6, will you be my 9?"
"I'm a bird watcher and right now I'm looking for a double breasted bed thrasher"
"Miss, if you've lost your virginity can I have the box it came in?"
"Are those space pants you're wearing? 'Cause your ass is out of this world!"
"Mmm Mmm Mmm... you with all those curves and me with no brakes."
(Guy pulls down pants.) "Quick. Hide this."
FOR THE BIRDS...
It was a nice day at the park by the lake. Three guys were casting their lines to catch some fish and a couple were rowing in a small boat. Two crows were cruising by, eyeing for some targets to shit on. The younger of the two crows tried to show off and dove onto those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. But it went thud, thud, hitting only two of the three.
The older crow went towards the couple in the moving row boat. Tut, tut. And it went thud, hitting only one of the couples. Since this was a moving target, it didn't seem all that bad.
Then out from nowhere came this little bird, wings still wet like it was just been hatched. It dove towards those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. Thud, thud, thud. It swooped over to the row boat. Tut, tut. Thud, thud. Then a kid riding a bike came around. It flew over there. Tut. Thud. And it then rested on a tree branch.
So the two crows felt embarrassed and went over there, said, "We are impressed! Where do you learn to shit on people like that?"
The little one said, "I may be a new hatch but I've got plenty of experience. In my former life I was a lawyer."
THE TOP 12 REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED
12. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
11. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
10. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
9. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
8. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
7. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that — with a little help from Muzak — you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
5. Splattering grease from deep fryer is really hard to get out of your uniform.
4. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
3. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
2. Keeps that snooty Ruth Bader-Ginsberg on her toes.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason to Go to Work Naked...
1. Because the President insists when Hillary's out of town.
One day Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go see a doctor."
His friend says, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it, and it only costs $10."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with urine and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10 bucks. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
• You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy labor. You will heal in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from the dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10 bucks. The machine made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis:
• Your tap water is too hard. Get a softener.
• Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
• Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehab clinic.
• Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
• AND if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never heal.
HELPFUL TIPS TO MAKE LIFE SIMPLER
[Thanks again to Craig]
• Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
• Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
• Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
• Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to "fast wipe" whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
• No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
• Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
• If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
• Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
THE GREAT WRITER
[Thanks again to John]
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
HONEYMOON THANKS
On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride.
"That's so thoughtful, darling," she cooed, "but we'll need the light if you want to write thank-you notes ."
THE TOP 12 SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE IS AN ALIEN
12. Refuses to watch any movie with Sigourney Weaver in it.
11. Occasionally drinks orange juice with finger.
10. Doesn't need remote to change channels from couch.
9. Thinks "Friends" is hysterical.
8. Constantly arguing with siblings Tito and LaToya.
7. Replicates crop circles while mowing the lawn.
6. Suggests using Brillo pad as marital aid.
5. Keeps referring to you as "ol' two eyes."
4. Laughs hysterically at Jerry Lewis movies, yet doesn't like escargot.
3. E-mail address: ET@alpha.centauri
2. Nothing but fiberglass and beer in the fridge.
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Spouse is an Alien...
1. Breast-feeds the triplets... simultaneously.
IF "DEAR ABBY" WAS A MAN...
Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with my sister and me.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing — your sister. Far from being an issue, this can bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him be with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
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Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
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Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
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Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and sell it. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice, expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
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Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should — he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
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Dear Mr. Abby:
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal!
