T H E W E E K L Y R I O T
January 14, 2000
Life consists of problems, living is solving those problems.
You should live life to its fullest and never look back on the past.
Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I worship the quicksand he walks in. Art Buchwald
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry".
Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole in the head.
A new study shows that licking a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again. Jay Leno
What happens if a big asteroid hits the Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. Dave Barry
Women like silent men, they think they're listening. George Carlin
Today I learned, it only takes one pervert to screw in a lightbulb. However, it takes the entire emergency room to remove it.
It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office. Shirley MacLaine
"RAM disk" is NOT an installation procedure.
I just heard that Monica is going to advertise for Jenny Craig. I can hardly wait for the ads, where I can only assume that she is going to tell everyone that the secret to losing weight is not swallowing.
The other thing we have to do is to take seriously the role in this problem of older men who prey on underage women. There are consequences to decisions and one way or another, people always wind up being held accountable. President Clinton, on June 13, 1996, in a speech about teen pregnancy
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. Michel de Montaigne
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting. Ronald Reagan (star of "Bedtime for Bonzo"...)
The American people is supportive of me. Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush, during an interview with CBS's Jane Clayson
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 1999, 2000 Chris White
When my girlfriend talked about marriage, I used to think: "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?" But now I realize that if you buy the cow, you can slaughter it and turn it into steaks. And to think my girlfriend says I'm not romantic! Bob Van Voris
I feel badly for those people who can't tell shit from Shinola, but I feel even worse for the guy who has to clean their shoes. David Gunter
Sometimes the giant hamster of misfortune doesn't seem to want to run on anybody's wheel but yours. George Olson
Love means never having to explain why to your wife why your AOL screen name is HUNGJOCK. Jim Rosenberg, Mr. Monologue by Jim Rosenberg
A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much. Frank Varano
At first I thought, "How could women be from Venus? It's got an atmosphere of poisonous gas!" And then I made the connection: potpourri! Larry Hollister
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
BUSINESS: Time Warner, the world's largest media and entertainment company, is being acquired by America Online for about $166 billion in stock in what would be the biggest corporate merger ever
[Of course Time Warner is trying to buy the stock online through AOL, so it might NEVER go through ]
Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po, the amorphous characters who star in the popular Teletubbies television show for preschool-age children, will soon have a new job selling hamburgers and fries. McDonald's Corp. said on Wednesday it is planning a Teletubbies promotion for its restaurants in the United States and Canada sometime this year
[Don't get any special sauce from the purple one ]
POLITICS: In Killingly, Connecticut, a woman resigned from her children's school board after a newspaper reported she was a top executive in a sex club. Leslie Moore-Linfield's resignation was effective immediately "for personal reasons...''
[It should be noted that she advocated spanking but only at the sex club...]
SPORTS: Australian doctors have condemned a golf tournament sponsor offering a penis enlargement for the longest drive. Already more than 120 people have entered the tournament at Queensland's Sanctuary Cove which is being organized by cosmetic surgery firm Clinical Beauty...
[They're especially upset about the titanium shaft...]
Microsoft Corp. and barnesandnoble.com launched a partnership Thursday to promote electronic books.
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
[In true Microsoft fashion, you will frequently have to close the book and just start from the beginning again for no apparent reason.]
NOT HIS DAY: (Salt Lake City, UT) Johnny Lee Miller spent New Year's Eve at the bank. He walked up to the teller, slid a gun out from an envelope and demanded that the hand over money. The suspect left with $34,804, leaving behind the envelope. Unfortunately for Miller the envelope contained his graduation certificate from the Utah Department of Corrections for an anger-management course. The FBI immediately identified Miller and arrested him. (USA Today)
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, 2000 by SodaMail
BENT STATISTIC I: Polar bears can smell humans up to 20 miles away.
BENT STATISTIC II: Polar bears can run at speeds of up to 25 miles an hour.
[That gives you about 50 minutes to practice looking like snow .]
BENT QUOTE: "We certainly don't recommend that people lock themselves away from the world, but we will prove that it can be done." Len Critcher, a friend of Mitch Maddox, a 26-year-old former computer systems manager (aka DotComGuy) who locked himself into a Dallas house last week. Moving in with only a laptop computer Maddox said that he doesn't plan to leave the house until 2001. He plans to live exclusively online while hosting a 24-hour live video feed of his life.
[If enough people like Maddox did that I think the world would be a better place ]
BENT HISTORICAL FACT: Isaac Newton's dog, Diamond, knocked over a candle, destroying the only copies of Newton's work on the nature of light.
1999 DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: After purchasing the Virginia mansion of Ted Kennedy for $6 million, billionaire Eric Hotung decided to raze the building because it had bad feng shui.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?"
"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: "I just paid $6000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So, then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise, "so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
THE TOP 18 THINGS ON A Y2K SURVIVALIST'S TO-DO LIST
18. Find grocery store receipt for 10,000 packets of ramen noodles.
17. Apologize to neighbors about the tripwire incident; offer to replace dog.
16. Take up pork & beans skeet shooting.
15. Gather recipes for Spam, dehydrated potatoes, and crow.
14. Cancel subscription to Stockpilers Quarterly, but keep the free can opener.
13. Convert weapons back to semi-auto.
12. Pitch "1000 Ideas for Wheat Gluten" to Martha Stewart's people.
11. Return 753 videos to Blockbuster.
10. Water yard, one lousy gallon at a time.
9. Prepare for the dreaded but little-known "Arbor Day Bug."
8. Shoot first forget the damn questions.
7. Learn how to disarm a Claymore mine.
6. Laugh at all those losers out there fighting each other for scraps of food, and thank the Lord for the safety of the bunker, cut off from all connection with the outside world.
5. Find the bastard who sold me all that dehydrated water.
4. Curse God for wussing out on the wrath.
3. Convert my anti-Y2K-Bug tin-foil hat back into an anti-Katie-Couric-Mind-Control tin-foil hat.
2. Make sure the babes in the bunker still think we need to repopulate earth.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing on a Y2K Survivalist's To-Do List...
1. Make friends with the 6 billion other Y2K survivors.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE TOP 12 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS OF Top5 CONTRIBUTORS
12. Fight global hunger... starting with this Ding Dong.
11. Gain 20 pounds and keep smoking. Hey, at least I'll *keep* my resolutions for once.
10. Pamper my colon: Eat more fiber!
9. Work on building buns of mush to fit in better at next year's Top5 Contributor Convention.
8. Try to tone down the sexual magnetism.
7. Use my power of humor only for good.
6. Whip it. Whip it good.
5. Attempt to do some of that "work" crap my boss keeps yammering about.
4. Say "Thank You" afterwards because even goats appreciate a bit of courtesy.
3. One word: sunlight
2. I prefer making resolutions for other people: Jan, lose 30 pounds; Phil, give me better performance reviews; and Linda, stop hiding your aching lust for me behind a mask of indifference.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 New Year's Resolution of Top5 Contributors...
1. I resolve to finally give in and join my fellow contributors by going down on the Top 5 list moderator in exchange for that coveted #1 spot.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
NEW MILLENNIUM VIRUS UPDATES
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
SPRINT VIRUS: Every three minutes, you hear a pin drop out of your machine.
YUGOSLAVIA VIRUS: Almost immediately fragments into several autonomous parts. Then it violently tries to reassemble itself for the next 150 years.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Goes into your spellchecker and updates the word "Potatoe".
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort" "Retry" "Fail" message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Tries to have you removed as the rightful owner of the computer, even though everybody else wants you to be the owner.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs... No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programmer will take it back.
TALES FROM THE FOREIGN LEGIONA very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"
The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."
The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"
The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, he Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."
THE TOP 16 SIGNS YOUR INNER CHILD IS UNHAPPY16. Hasn't touched your inner trainset for days.
15. Spends all day sulking in your lower intestine.
14. You've stopped shouting "Wheeeee!" on the elevator at work.
13. Joins an inner gang and goes wilding through your pancreas.
12. You attempt to overdose on a lethal combination of J&B and M&M's.
11. When you try to hug him, he pulls away and calls you a "pathetic codependent loser."
10. When your boss calls you incompetent, you reply: "I know you are, but what am I?"
9. Has been sulking since you refused to buy that Power Ranger doll.
8. Constantly whacking the holy hell out of the inner puppy you gave him for his birthday.
7. You keep getting thrown out of bars for ordering Lucky Charms and Milk.
6. Primal scream portion of "Bert and Ernie's Anger Management Workshop" has kept you up three nights in a row.
5. Sudden urge to knock your morning cappuccino and bagel onto the floor.
4. You discover you have an Inner Madonna carrying your Inner Child.
3. Says she can't wait until she's 18 so she can "get the hell outta this dump."
2. You keep your therapist at bay with a Lego Uzi until the gummi bear ransom is delivered.
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Inner Child is Unhappy...
1. Hires an inner lawyer and slaps your ass with a $40 million inner lawsuit.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996, by Chris White
MEDICAL CHART BLOOPERS
[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations]
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians...
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better and on the third day had completely disappeared.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old-male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1995 when she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.
WHY BRITISH WOMEN SHOULD NEVER DRINK...The following are all replies that have been included on British Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.
Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.
I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
[Name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's ?
From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given] mine might have remained unfertilized.
IN FACT, DRINKING CAN LEAD TO ALL SORTS OF CONSEQUENCES...An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.
The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
BIZARRE GEOGRAPHICAL TRIVIA
These are actual names of towns:
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Twatt (Shetland, UK)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Shafter (California, USA)
Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Brown Willy (every schoolboy's favourite, Cornwall,UK)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Stains (Near Paris,France)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
Gobbler's Knob (Kentucky, USA)
SOFTWARE ENGINEERING GLOSSARY OF PRODUCT TERMINOLOGY
NEW: Different colors from previous version.
ALL NEW: Software is not compatible with previous version.
UNMATCHED: Almost as good as the competition.
ADVANCED DESIGN: Upper management doesn't understand it.
NO MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix.
BREAKTHROUGH: It finally booted on the first try.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY: Developed on a shoestring budget.
UPGRADED: Did not work the first time.
UPGRADED AND IMPROVED: Did not work the second time.
WHY NOTHING IS BETTER THAN SEX1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.
2. Nothing is free.
3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time, and nobody will spread nasty rumors about you.
4. You can eat or sleep while you do nothing, and nobody will be offended.
5. It's perfectly all right to look bored while you do nothing.
6. While you may get fired for doing nothing at work, you probably won't get sued for it.
7. Keep those hard-earned dollars do nothing!
8. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.
9. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.
10. Chances are, you won't feel the effects of doing nothing nine months from now.
11. Doing nothing when you are inebriated won't lead to any embarrassing situations later on.
12. Men and women generally take the same amount of time to do nothing.
13. You can do nothing with your kids without getting arrested.
14. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work desk, in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile floor in relative comfort.
15. PMS won't keep you from doing nothing (thank heavens).
16. Being "in the mood" to do nothing is no big effort.
17. You can do nothing if you are paralyzed from the neck down.
18. There is no point in your life at which you are incapable of doing nothing.
19. People ENJOY getting phone calls when they are doing nothing.
20. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.
THE TOP 12 THINGS ON CHARLIE BROWN'S TO-DO LIST
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Charles Schultz, the creator of "Peanuts," retired the comic strip, with January 3rd's strip being the last one for Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Lucy and the gang.
12. Bite into Peppermint Patty and get the sensation.
11. Cash the Met Life policy and jet off to Juarez with the little red-haired girl to see if "collar and cuffs" match.
10. Speak to my shrink about that jazz piano music that follows me around everywhere.
9. Get Peppermint Patty that Indigo Girls album she's been asking for.
8. Begin rap career as Snoop Master C.
7. Two words: new shirt
6. After bottling it up for almost 50 years, go to a local mall and just curse wildly at children for a few hours.
5. Get barber school tuition from Dad. Blow it on booze and hookers.
4. Tell the dog that if he can pilot a plane, he can get his own damn dinner.
3. Begin auditioning actresses for "It's Your First Threesome, Charlie Brown."
2. With Schultz finally out of the picture, stick that football where only Lucy's proctologist can find it.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing on Charlie Brown's To-Do List...
1. Get Prozac, get Rogaine, get Viagra, and get busy with the little red-haired girl.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1999, by Chris White
WINDOWS 98 SOURCE CODE/* Source Code to Windows 98 */
#define INSTALL =3D HARD
char make_prog_look_big; void main()
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11");
*/ /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95");
*/ printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok()) crash(to_dos_prompt) else system_memory =3D open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
REJECTED GEORGE W. BUSH CAMPAIGN SLOGANSThe following are rejected George W. Bush presidential campaign slogans as discovered by the ComedyZine investigative reporters.
"It's the economy stupid!"
"At least I'm not Jeb."
"A silver coke spoon in every home."
"My running mate is Jesus Christ. Vote For George W."
"Who wants to be a millionaire and the president? George W. Bush, that's who."
"I like BUSH! And George W. is okay too."
"Less taxes, More deficit!"
"Almost as good as his dad."
"No temper, No problem."
"I already have President Bush Stationary left over from daddy, think how much money it will save!"
"He's Ready, Rich and Republican. Vote Bush."
"More like his mom, less like his dad."
"George W. Bush, Better than those other schmucks?"
"Wouldn't you really rather have a Bush?"
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