T H E W E E K L Y R I O T
January 21, 2000
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
There's no place like http://www.home.com.
If you came across Bill Gates struggling in a raging river, and you had to choose between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.
My grandpa told me to remember two things in life. Look out for Number One, and remember your number. Orville Cogswell
I'm always fascinated by the way memory diffuses fact. Diane Sawyer
Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
"AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think?
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Statistics show 57% of heterosexual women would prefer to go on a shopping spree than have sex. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that 77% of all hetero men think that ten minutes is a long time to spend making love.
Yes, I decided to break off the engagement... Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired.
I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES. Homer Simpson
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other. Rita Rudner
When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
When people tell me about their problems, I try to help them not focus so much on all the negative stuff, and focus more on what's going on with me.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
SCIENCE: Spanish scientist say at least ten melon-sized ice balls that have slammed into Spain in the last week are probably debris from comets, not human excrement as first suspected. Enrique Martinez, head of a team at the Higher Council of Scientific Investigation studying the phenomenon, said it was first thought that the ice balls were human excrement ejected from high-flying aircraft, which is a common phenomenon
[I'll never catch snowflakes on my tongue again ]
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
MY RUBBER DUCKY IS SINKING! (Copenhagen, Denmark) A Danish fellow, apparently quite drunk, sent the Danish Maritime Sea Rescue Command on a one-and-a-half hour false rescue mission. The man was playing with toy ships in his bathtub when he phoned in a real-life mayday. He claimed that his vessel was listing 45 degrees and that one crew member had been washed overboard. (CNN)
Kroger, the nation's largest grocery chain, announced it will cover up Cosmopolitan magazine at checkout stands because of complaints about headlines like "Sex Tricks He's Never Seen Before!"
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
[Plans are also underway to hang a large drape over all melons and cucumbers in the produce section.]
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 1999, 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
A Welsh man sued a hypnotist after he was made to simulate sex with a chair in front of a hysterical audience. But he did not sue for the embarrassment. Court papers say the man is suing for damages because he is gripped with a continuing, uncontrollable urge to have sex with inanimate objects. To date he has attempted to copulate with his mattress, washing machine and every chair in his house.
[I bet his friends stopped inviting him over for dinner.]
So you thought that the U.S. was the only place with outlandish game shows? Well, how about the Japanese game show that has scantily clad women in bikinis who take turns crushing aluminum cans with their breasts. The last round of "sweeps" in Japan had this show among the most heavily viewed shows in prime time.
["Who Wants To Be a Millionaire" my left foot. Let's get THIS show on American TV.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd sworn off men for life.
"They lie, they cheat, and they're just no damn good," she moaned. "From now on, when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said.
"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
"That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual."
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NEW WINDOWS 2000 ERROR MESSAGES?
The following are new Windows error messages that might be under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error: Replace user
Windows VirusScan 1.0 "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Welcome to Microsoft's World Your Mortgage is Past Due...
If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
INTELLIGENCE-IMPAIRED" STORIES
LICENSE TO STEAL
[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations]
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.
IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
MADE FOR TV
"Guns For Hire", an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.
DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.
YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court", he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE!
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
WHAT PETS REALLY THINK
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
JURY SELECTION
From the Dallas Morning News:
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:
"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position'."
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."
She wasn't selected for the jury.
BIZARRE BOOKS
Real Books... Unreal Titles!
The Romance of Leprosy; 1949
[Is it me? Among the last things to get me in the mood is definitely not a chick with digits falling off.]
Original Tricks with Cigars; 1927
[Obviously, this was President Clinton's favorite bedside reading material.]
Straight Talk About Surgical Penis Enlargement; 1993
[I think I'd rather just have a woman lie to me.]
The Nature and Tendency of Balls, Seriously and Candidly Considered in Two Sermons; 1818
Gay Bulgaria; 1964
Not Worth Reading; 1914
So Your Wife Came Home Speaking In Tongues! So Did Mine!; 1973
[So your wife was just committed. So was mine!]
BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright © 1999, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
SOME THINGS YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T LEARN IN SCHOOL
[Thanks to Ralph]
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Coca Cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for monopoly than the US Treasury.
The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
Men can read smaller print than women, women can hear better than men.
The city with the most Roll Royces per capita: Hong Kong
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
Cost of raising a medium sized dog to the age of 11: $6,400.
Average number of people airborne over the U.S. during any given hour: 61,000.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest Pope was 11 years old.
First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades-King David, Clubs-Alexander the Great, Hearts-Charlemagne, and Diamonds-Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The term "whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got the "whole 9 yards".
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it is kissing the conveyor belt.
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
The Interstate system was designed so that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of fuel that it burns.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a SuperBowl.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes...
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down hence the expression "to get fired."...
The word "samba" means "to rub navels together".
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Q: What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A: Conception.
Q: What separates "60 Minutes" on CBS from every other TV show?
A: No theme song.
Q: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A: Their birthplace.
Q: What is the most popular name that boat owners name their boats?
A: Obsession.
Q: If you were to spell out consecutive numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "a"?
A: One thousand.
Q: What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A: All invented by women.
Q: What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A: Honey.
Q: There are more collect calls made on this day than any other.
A: Father's Day.
Q: What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic?
A: He was allergic to carrots.
BIZARRE BOOKS
In the vast world of publishing, there is truly something for everyone. Witness the entries in the annual competition by The Bookseller, a trade magazine, for the oddest book title of the year.
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
The winner:
Weeds in a Changing World
Runners-up:
Guide To Eskimo Rolling
Procrastination and Task Avoidance: Theory, Research and Treatment.
Other shortlisted titles included:
Good Practice with Violence
Lakeside Car Parks
Toothpick Culture and Icecream Stick Art
Women and Wasteland Development
Betel Chewing Equipment of East New Guinea
"The superb Male Genitalia of Butterflies of the Balkan Peninsula had been the favorite but the judges seem to have suspected the title had been made peculiar on purpose, a trick outlawed by the rules," a report said.
Winners from past years have been equally distinguished. They included:
Greek Rural Postmen and their Cancellation Numbers
How to Avoid Huge Ships
Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality
The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition.
Strange that these managed to beat other gems such as:
A Method for Calculating the Size of Stone Needed for Closing End-Tipped Rubble Banks in Rivers
Postal Rates in Iceland 1870-1997.
THE TECHNO TERMS DICTIONARY
486 The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete Any computer you own.
Microsecond The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
MORE NEW VIRUSES
CLINTON VIRUS
[Thanks again to John]
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.
MORE SIGNS OF INTERNET ADDICTION
Your job interferes with your chat time.
You look for ways to enhance your systems instead of your life.
You get jealous when someone else looks at your monitor.
You sleep with your hard drive.
You rearrange your furniture for easy access to your computer from anywhere in the house.
You don't know if you own a TV.
You buy a high tech security system for your home to protect your computer from thieves instead of your stereo and T.V.
You go to buy a new car and ask the salesman where the keyboard and modem are and how much RAM it has instead of horsepower.
Someone asks you for your number and you give them your ICQ UIN.
You have a dinner party and everyone gathers around your monitor to view your website instead of your slides from last summers family vacation.
You buy a mini fridge and set it within chair rolling distance of your computer.
The first thing you hug in the morning is your monitor.
You start pacing the floor and having withdrawals when your ICQ goes down.
You have a second phone line installed so you can chat with your friends online and on the phone at the same time.
Your wife/husband/partner emails you when dinner is ready.
Your therapist tells you that you need a life, and you reply with "No what I NEED is an ISDN line".
Your bookmarks take 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You fight off sleep at all costs to linger on-line, and when you finally do go to sleep, your dreams are multi-tasked... in chat... or... for those of us REALLY SICK ONES... in HTML!
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
Your friends don't know/can't remember your real name, and insist on calling you by your screen name.
You step out of your room and realize that your family has moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You never talk to your grandmother... she doesn't have ICQ.
You check your email. It says no new messages. So you check it again. {You mean it's possible to have no new e-mail?!?}
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
Your wife/husband/partner makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You get a tattoo that says, *This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 4.0.*
Your wife/hubby/partner/whatever says communication is important... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem.
Your neighbors hand in leaflets on *Curing Insomnia*.
You consider the benefits of *Home Working* so you can spend more time online.
IT COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM
1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor___
B. Minor___
C. Minor___
D. Trivial___
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up___
B. Frozen___
C. Hung___
D. Strange Smell___
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes___ No___
7. Is it turned on? Yes___ No___
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes___ No___
9. Have you made it worse? Yes___
10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix
it for you? Yes___ No___
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes___
12. Have you read the manual? Yes___ No___
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe___ No___
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No___
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes___ No___
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in?
__________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________
19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes___ No___
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes___ What's a VCR?___
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes___ No___
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes___ No___
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes___ No___
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes___ No___
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes___ No___
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes___ Not Yet___
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes___
THE GUIDE TO SOFTWARE INSTALLATION
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
* 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
* 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
* 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
* 3546 MB RAM
* 432323 MB ROM
* 05948737 MB RPM
* ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
* 2 TURTLE DOVES
* NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and trouble-shooting the software.
Throw it away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light... finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:
YES
SURE
8. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there.
9. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately !@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12!
THE AIRPLANE
One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you. You take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
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