T H E    W E E K L Y    R I O T

January 28, 2000

Fragile Earth


Dare to risk, dare to dream my friend, he said.
And if, in your risk and your dream you fall short...
Dare to pick up the pieces and try again.
For daring to try, you shall find a reward in itself.
Dare to trust, dare to care my friend, he said.
And, if in the process you feel hurt...
Have the courage to trust and care again.
For daring to trust, you shall find comfort and success.
Dare to try, dare to be different my friend, he said.
But if in your trying and your difference you feel ridicule,
Dare to rejoice in that difference. For it is that difference
Which shall set you free... to find your ultimate self.

— Unknown author


(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)

Marriage is very difficult. Very few of us are fortunate enough to marry multimillionaire girls with 39-inch busts who have undergone frontal lobotomies. — Tony Curtis

If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much. — Jack Handey

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. — Muhammad Ali

Democrats announced today that they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence. — Mark Twain

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

I bet my computer was made by Indians, 'cause it keeps exchanging smoke signals with my printer. — Andy Pierson, I Bet — Original humor by Andy Pierson


Copyright © 1999, 2000, Chris White

Last week Human Resources said they were going to garnish my wages. Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley in my paycheck will make it any more attractive. — David Henry

When I hear someone say they give "110%" to whatever they're doing, it makes me feel good inside — because I know I'm not as big a moron as that person is. — Jim Rosenberg, Mr. Monologue by Jim Rosenberg

When I go to Walt Disney World this year, I'm going to stand in the middle of the Magic Kingdom and yell, "I want to talk to whoever's in charge of this f***in' Mickey Mouse operation!" — James Montalbano



I am stronger than my addiction.
I am stronger than my addiction.
I am stron —
give me a *#%#&## cigarette before I slaughter you!



The Times of London is reporting that at least one in 10 children was not sired by the man who thinks he's the father. In fact, some DNA labs put the number closer to one in seven…
[The most common name for the child — "Bill Clinton, Jr..."]

Members in both houses of Congress yesterday introduced bills to make Elian Gonzalez an American citizen in a move to block the Clinton administration from sending the boy back to Cuba before a Florida court hears the case in March…
[Meanwhile, Pat Buchanan has offered the boy a nifty raft…]

Mississippi Senator Tom King has introduced a law that would make it illegal for sexually aroused men to appear in public. The statute would bar "the showing of covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state"…
[You'll do hard time for that...]

Men who run afoul of the law could face up to a year in prison and a $2,000 fine…
[I guess they'd have to hope for a hung jury…]


Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg

The federal government remained closed on Wednesday after a winter storm swept up the East Coast.
[The record, however, for longest time that a blowjob shut down the federal government remains the years of the Starr investgation.]

Louisiana State University's dean of students was stabbed in his driveway by a philosophy major who was recently accused of altering his own grades, police said.
[The Dean is safe, but this does not diminish the fact that this may be the first actual impact that a philosophy major has ever had on the real world.]


--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--

Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.

POLITICS: The first major storm of the season hit Washington, D.C. last week, allowing federal workers to take an unscheduled day off…
[Interestingly, there was three inches of white powder at George W. Bush campaign headquarters — but no snow…]

INTERNET: At a website called The Confessor, sinners can now make their peace with God in the click of a mouse. Launched by Premier Christian Radio, the site allows visitors to type their confessions "in the space provided," in order to unburden themselves…
["Type three 'Hail Mary's' and one sideways happy face, then cleanse your hard drive of all impurities…"]

HEALTH: A researcher at the University of Wisconsin says a virus known to cause obesity in animals may cause problems for humans as well. A preliminary study indicates 15 percent of obese people show signs of having "caught" obesity...
[Is this virus about the size and shape of a cheeseburger...?]



Judy and Gayle, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.

Gayle says, "You know, Judy, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and 'mutual orgasm' there — that's all they talk about. Tell me, Judy, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Judy (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."


[Thanks to Twila]

NEWS BULLETIN: Men and women are NOT alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship — he refers to it as "the time when me and Susie was doing it on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:30 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life and I'll never forgive you and I hate you and you're a total whore. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the 'I Hate You/I Love You — Drunken Phone Call. 99% of all men have placed at least one such call.

There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Women mature much faster then men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

A man has at most 6 items in his bathroom — a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not even be able to identify most of these items.

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional and psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in men provokes a uniform reaction — he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere
(see also — Patrick Swayze): Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. A man will dress up for the following: weddings, funerals.

Nudity in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a 'man'. The only actor who has appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Men love to talk politics, but often forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room — sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE!

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside-out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

A woman asks a man to water the plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

With the exception of female bodybuilders who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless.

Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.



15. No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

14. For children ages 4-10, or really wasted adults.

13. Not to be confused with "Poke You Man" by Adult Inflatable Products, Ltd.

12. Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

11. Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

10. Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast — especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale — may result in bodily injury.

9. Syringe and vaccine sold separately.

8. Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!

7. In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.

6. Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

5. For eternal use only.

4. For best results, consume hard liquor prior to assembly.

3. Talk to your doctor before using Xenical Barbie. Xenical Barbie not intended for children less than 20% above their ideal weight. Discontinue use if oily leakage occurs.

2. Replacement blades and toes not included.

     and's Number 1 Disclaimer Found on a Toy Box...

1. Warning: Although technically a game, Parcheesi sucks.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1999, by Chris White



10. Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"

9. Your best friend is someone you've never met.

8. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 1.1" on one of the clouds.

7. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.

6. You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.

5. You are diving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the "Back" button.

4. You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.

3. Your dog has his own Web page

2. So does your hamster.

     and the No. 1 sign that you have overdosed on the WWW:

1. When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.



A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey.

The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.

"The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner.

"Why so much?" asks the customer.

"Because it can program in C," answers the store owner.

The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500. It knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner.

"3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."

[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page]



16. "Nightline" replaces night life.

15. Ability to rock and roll and interest in doing so disappear simultaneously.

14. Five years eligible, and you're *still* not President of the United States.

13. Fear of losing the ability to perform the old "Carry a wash cloth with no hands" trick.

12. A thong-wearing Martha Raye jumps out of the cake to deliver a one-year supply of Polident as a birthday gift.

11. The annoying way your 'toup' blows off whenever you get the TransAm convertible over 60 .

10. Movie attendant getting more and more suspicious of you and your student ID.

9. Band that you once camped out to see is now playing the local Corn Festival.

8. Gives your mom yet *another* reason to kick you out of the house.

7. Sudden biochemical reaction whereby you now love Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond.

6. Grief counseling replaces dream of becoming Menudo star.

5. Takes all your charisma AND a Lexus to be a Babe Magnet.

4. Quieting the room to hear Rogaine commercials better.

3. 60 more years before Willard Scott gives a crap.

2. You're halfway to the age where Anna Nicole Smith starts hitting on you.

     and's Number 1 Reason to Dread Turning Forty...

1. Ear hair keeps getting mixed up in your comb-over.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996, by Chris White



A man and his wife had been married for 30 years when he decided to retire while his wife continued to work. It didn't take long for him to become bored during the day so one day he decided to clean his closet. He accomplished the task but he still had half the day left so he decided to clean his wife's closet. At the back of the top shelf of her closet he found a box with three eggs and $3000 in it. When his wife got home that day he showed her the closets he had cleaned out and she told him what a wonderful job he had done.

He said, "I have a question. At the back of the top shelf in your closet I found a box that contained three eggs and $3000. What is that?"

She replied, "Well, every time you've made me mad or upset me, I've put an egg in the box."

He thought, "After 30 years of marriage, it's great that there are only three eggs in the box." To his wife he said, "That explains the eggs, but what about the three thousand dollars?"

To which she replied, "Every time I got a dozen, I sold them!"


After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First if it hurts, you will stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's."


A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."


"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the
whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow."


A guy came home early and found his wife in bed with another man. "What the hell are you doing????" shouted the irate husband.

"See," the wife said to the man lying beside her, "didn't I tell you he doesn't know a thing about sex?"



20. Brussels Sprouts
19. Cannes Openers
18. Amsterdam Yankees
17. Vienna Sausages
16. Belgium Waffles
15. Manila Folders
14. Czech Bouncers
13. New Dehli Catessans
12. Buenos Airheads
11. Bangkok Suckers
10. Dublin Mint Twins
9. Peking Toms
8. Bolivia DeHavillands
7. Seoul Brothers
6. Taipei Personalities
5. Syria Killers
4. Hungary Jacks
3. Iraqi Raccoons
2. Prague Tologists

      and's Number 1 Rejected International Sports Team Name...

1. Guadalajara Krishnas

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996, by Chris White



Just type in the command on the first line at the prompt, and UNIX will respond with the following replies using its' little known built-in sense of humor...

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% got a light?
No match.

% sleep with me
bad character

% man: Why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% rm God
rm: God nonexistent

% make 'heads or tails of all this'
Make: Don't know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.

% make sense
Make: Don't know how to make sense. Stop.

% make mistake
Make: Don't know how to make mistake. Stop.

% make
Make: Don't know how to make Stop.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

% rm -i God
rm: remove God? y
% ls God
God not found
% make light
Make: Don't know how to make light. Stop.

% date me
You are not superuser: date not set
Thu Aug 25 15:52:30 PDT 1988

% man rear
No manual entry for rear.

% If I had a ) for every dollar Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many )'s.

% * How would you describe Bill Clinton
*: Ambiguous.

% %Vice-President
%Vice-President: No such job.

% ls Meese-Ethics
Meese-Ethics not found

% "How would you rate Reagan's senility?
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the^sex change operation go?
Modifier failed.

% cp /dev/null sex;chmod 000 sex
% more sex
sex: Permission denied
% mv sex show
% strip show
strip: show: Permission denied

% who is my match?
No match.

% set i="Democratic_Platform";mkdir $i;chmod 000 $i;ls $i
Democratic_Platform unreadable

% awk "Polly, the ship is sinking"
awk: syntax error near line 1
awk: bailing out near line

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% 'thou shalt not commit adultery'
thou shalt not commit adultery: Command not found.

And from the bourne shell (sh):

$ drink < bottle;opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

$ test my argument
test: too many arguments

$ "Amelia Earhart"
Amelia Earhart: not found

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ man -kisses dog
dog: nothing appropriate

$ mkdir "Yellow Pages";fiYellow Pages
$ mkdir matter;cat > matter
matter: cannot create

$ lost
lost: not found

$ found
found: not found

$ i=Hoffa ;>$i ;$i ;rm $i ;rm $i
Hoffa: cannot execute
rm: Hoffa nonexistent

The following are ones that I can't get to work on my BSD 4.3, so I suppose
that they are stuff from ATT SysV or some other such:

% strip bra
bra: Cannot open

% sccs what bottle
can't open bottle (26)

$ cat "door: paws too slippery"
can't open door: paws too slippery

$ cat food_in_tin_cans
cat: can't open food_in_tin_cans
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink matter
matter: cannot create

% man sex
No manual entry for sex


[Thanks again to John]

Back in the time of the Samurai, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai — so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. The emperor exclaimed: "That is *really* very impressive!"

The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh! A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill."



• They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
• All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
• Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
• You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
• Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
• The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
• When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
• The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
• You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
• No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
• You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
• All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.



When you are dating: Farting is never an issue
When you are married: You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband... at all times

When you are dating: He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married: He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating: He holds your hand in public
When you are married: He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating: A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married: A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating: You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married: You think to yourself... "Was he ALWAYS this hairy???"

When you are dating: You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married: You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating: He hugs you, when he walks by you... for no reason
When you are married: He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating: You picture the two of you together, growing old together
When you are married: You wonder who will die first

When you are dating: Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
When you are married: When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating: He knows what the "hamper" is
When you are married: The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

When you are dating: He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
When you are married: He says "It's your job."

When you are dating: He understands that you have "male" friends
When you are married: He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating: He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married: He develops a "blank" stare

When you are dating: He calls you by name
When you are married: He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."



A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where — your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No shit? What law firm do you work for?"


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