THE WEEKLY RIOT
February 4, 2000
SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY EDITION
The best feelings are those that
Have no words to describe them...
— Unknown author
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
I think, therefore I'm single. — Liz Winston
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. — Woody Allen
There may be some things that are better than sex, and there may be some things that are worse. But there is nothing exactly like it. — W.C. Fields
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave? — Beverly Mickins
A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times. — Sanskrit proverb
Men get laid, but women get screwed. — Quentin Crisp
You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate. — Carrie Snow
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. — B. Johnson
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. — Joey Adams
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. — Dick Martin
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. — Johnny Carson
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. — Sam Kinison
I know nothing about sex, because I was always married. — Zsa Zsa Gabor
Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave the house? Of these same men 90% will kiss their house good-bye when their wife leaves.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror placed over my kitchen table. — Rodney Dangerfield
The desire of a man for a woman is not directed at her because she is a human being, but because she is a woman. That she is a human being is of no concern to him. — Immanuel Kant
The only justification for men's existence is that vibrators can't move furniture.
Victoria's Secret says that over 40% of the underwear they sell are thongs. That's the reason those models of theirs have those pouty looks on their faces — they're walking around with a giant wedgie... — Jay Leno
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
If you love someone, set them on fire.
If they come back, they're yours.
If not, bon appetit!
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
The U.S. Geological Survey says that a minor earthquake shook New Hampshire last week while presidential candidates campaigned throughout the state...
[One of the candidates said, "If I'm lying may the Earth open up and swallow me..."]
—————————————————————BENT SURVEY: According to a new survey by Adam & Eve Sex Products, 7 percent of Americans claim they lost their virginity by the time they turned 13, 43 percent lost it before they were 17 and 11 percent waited to have sex until after 21. The scariest statistic? 10 percent admit they have no idea how old they were.
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
[Percentage of Americans who believe in aliens from space? Also 10%! Coincidence? I don't think so. They were all abducted by aliens who had sex with them and then erased their memories!]
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
There is strong evidence that beneath the froze exterior of Europa, one of Jupiter's moons, lies an ocean of liquid water — one of the essential ingredients for all living
[John Gray has already begun work on a unification of his masterwork: "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, Single-Celled Building Blocks of Humanoid Life are From Jupiter's Moon, Europa."]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for Valentine's Day. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi Hon," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page]
Q: What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
SOME EQUAL OPPORTUNITY SEXUAL HARASSMENT...
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: If your wife comes out from the kitchen to nag you — what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: How many men does it take to change a bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark, complaining.
Q: What is the fastest way to a mans heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: What have men and floor tiles in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time you can walk all over them for life.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it so hard for a woman to find men that are caring, sensitive and good-looking?
A: These men already have boyfriends.
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that make dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: The battery has a positive side.
Q: What is the difference between a mother-in-law and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
Q: Did you hear about the man who finally figured out women?
A: No, he died laughing before he could tell anyone.
Q: Do you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind?
A: Monica Lewinsky, O.J. Simpson, Ted kennedy, and Bill Clinton. Why?
• Monica Lewinsky is a hooker.
• O.J. Simpson is a slicer.
• Ted Kennedy can't drive over water and
• Bill Clinton doesn't know which hole to play
THE PERFECT DAY
HER PERFECT DAY:
8:30 AM — Wake up in boyfriends arms to hugs + kisses
8:35 AM — Step on scales and realize you've lost 5 pounds
9:00 AM — Light breakfast
10:00 AM — Gym, sauna + facial
12:00 PM — See ex-boyfriends new girl has put ON a few pounds
12:30 PM — Meet up with girls in bistro for light salad+water. Leave most on plate.
1:00 PM — Shop
6:00 PM — Boyfriend surprises you with flowers and meal in romantic restaurant
9:30 PM — Tender and passionate lovemaking
11:30 PM — Drift off to sleep in boyfriends arms
HIS PERFECT DAY:
12:00 PM — Sex
12:02 PM — Wake up
12:05 PM — Huge fry-up (bacon, sausage, eggs, etc.)
12:20 PM — Sex
12:40 PM — Drive up coast in Ferrari with a girl with big hooters
1:30 PM — Massive lunch
1:45 PM — Football in park with the boys. Score winning try with 40 yard barging run.
2:30-6:00 PM — Get stoned with boys.
6:00 PM — Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:10 PM — Sex
7:00 PM — Enormous dinner
7:30-9:00 PM — Watch sport on TV with boys. No girls allowed.
9:30 PM — Gigantic supper
10:00 PM — Clubbing with boys, perving on chicks that look like schoolgirls
2:00 AM — Mammoth kebab
2:30 AM — Stumble home to find girlfriend waiting up for you in lingerie
2:32 AM — Full on, get down gorilla sex
2:34 AM — Fall asleep
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.
DAMNED IF YOU DO, DAMNED IF YOU DON'T...
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught again, this time by a man on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
INNOVATIVE PROGRAMMING FOR WOMEN
Last year, many women upgraded their BOYFRIEND 3.1 to BOYFRIEND PLUS 1.0 (marketing name: FIANCE 1.0) and then further upgraded FIANCE 1.0 to HUSBAND 1.0. They found that 1.0 is a memory hogger and incompatible to many other programs in their lives. HUSBAND 1.0 includes plug-ins such as MOTHER-IN-LAW, BROTHER-IN-LAW, and ANNOYING LOSER FRIENDS although market research has clearly shown that they are unnecessary and unwanted.
The upcoming BOYFRIEND 4.0 will change all that. Created by leading experts in the field and based upon years of research and classroom lectures, it includes the best of the old features, such as the HANDYMAN FUNCTION, and includes many new functions such as the OPTIONAL COMMITMENT FEATURE. Other immature functions, such as BEER GUZZLING and CAT CALLING have been removed, though they can still be found on FRATBOY 1.1
BOYFRIEND 4.0 will include:
• An AUTOMATIC REMINDER BUTTON AND PAY ATTENTION FEATURE (so I don't have to repeat myself)
• MINIMIZE BUTTON
• SHUTDOWN FEATURE
• SHOPPING FUNCTION
• A BACK-UP ENERGY SUPPLY, so it won't fall asleep after sex
• A LAUNDRY, COOKING, & HOUSECLEANING FUNCTION
• DIAPER-CHANGING FUNCTION, for the more advanced users
• A SELF DESTRUCT SEQUENCE, so once it's uninstalled it won't come back
• A MONOGAMY FEATURE
• AUTOMATIC OVERRIDE that kicks in right before they're about to say ANYTHING even remotely stupid
[Thanks to Ilmar — Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain]
A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
[Thanks again to John]
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
A DELICATE CONDITION
The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe what he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
[Thanks again to John]
THE TWO YEAR DEGREE
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man — as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective (See Electives Below)
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her
[Thanks to Patsy]
FACTS ABOUT WOMEN
When you're watching "Bridges of Madison County" with a woman, never ask, "When are the previews over?"
The reason why people get married is that it takes both a man and a woman to remember important things. Single people have to work too hard at this. Women remember things because of their emotional meaning; men remember things because they cost them money.
Women's self-confidence is proportional to the amount of time per day spent in front of a mirror. A man looks at a mirror to check his fly.
When a man cooks for a woman, he feels proud. When a woman cooks for a man, she feels used. This is directly related to sex.
For a woman, a relationship has four stages: infatuation, sex, disillusion, breakup. For a man, a relationship has two stages: sex, breakup.
Women are better listeners than men. That's why men are always in trouble with women.
Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand."
Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
Women think all beer is the same.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Women brush their hair *before* bed.
Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
Women are paid less than men, except for modeling.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.)
The first naked man a woman sees is "Ken," and expects all men to look the same.
"Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.
If it is not Valentine's Day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.
Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (Which gets them in more trouble)
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Mel Gibson to get to Woody Allen do you?
THE TOP 15 INDICATIONS YOUR FIANCE IS ABOUT TO DUMP YOU
15. Now refers to you as "The Dipshit formerly known as Sweetie Pie."
14. You ask him to pass the salt and he screams, "It's always about *you* and *your* needs, isn't it? YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME!"
13. The Bridal Registry includes Jacoby and Meyers.
12. Well, *somebody* ratted you to the SPCA for your illegal ferret farm.
11. The look on her face when she catches you in her wedding gown lip-synching to ABBA songs.
10. Constant complaining that wedding date conflicts with Wrestlemania XIX.
9. Engagement ring now being used as nose ring.
8. Can't bring herself to say "wedding" without throwing in "schmedding."
7. Cosmo cover article, "Getting Rid of That Loser," written by you-know-who.
6. Takes you to dinner in U-Haul, asks the band to play "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover," then leaves to "get wallet."
5. Despite his earlier promises, he *does* kick you out of bed for eating crackers.
4. When you ask her to sign the release forms to appear on The Newlywed Game, she says, "Not so fast, Chester!"
3. That ad he's running to sell his old ski boots begins, "If you like pina coladas, and gettin' caught in the rain..."
2. As a topic of conversation, your mother's beard is no longer off-limits.
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Indication Your Fiance Is About To Dump You...
1. On her last conjugal visit, she was sporting a tattoo of somebody else's bass boat.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996, by Chris White
THE LONG AND THE SHORT:
MORE FUN SEX FACTS
According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1-3/4 inches.
The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight on the end of their penises to elongate them — sometimes to such a degree that the men literally have to knot them up — while the Mambas of New Hebrides wrap theirs in yards and yards of cloth, making them look up to 17 inches long.
In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of men similarly endowed.
SO LONG THE NIGHT:
Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples make love an average of three times a night, every night, until their thirties, when the weekly average drops to a mere 14.
(Note from the Goddess: To hell with Bora Bora, I'm running away to Polynesia!!!)
The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour.
A honeymooning couple are suing Holiday Inn for ten thousand dollars, claiming their sex life is now dysfunctional because an employee mistakenly walked in on them on their wedding night.
LES LIAISONS DANGEREUSES:
At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an attempt to lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to induce a more powerful orgasm.
England's King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had a special table built so that he could comfortably engage in sexual intercourse.
It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the sixteenth century to let their pubic hair grow as long as possible so it could be pomaded and adorned with bows and ribbon.
In fourteenth-century Europe, high-ranking noblemen were permitted to display their genitals below a short tunic, while those not impressively endowed could, if they chose, wear a leather falsie called a briquette.
MISSIONARIES TAKE NOTE:
Given today's average frequency of sexual intercourse, it would take the typical American couple more than four years to try every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama Sutra.
GALLIC WAY OF DEATH:
French President Francois Faure expired in a bordello in 1899 during the act of copulation, which so terrified his lady of the evening that her vagina constricted intractably, necessitating the surgical removal of the dead man's member.
JUST SAY HOWDY:
When men of the Walibri tribe of central Australia greet each other, they shake penises instead of hands.
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
COURSE 001 Get Enough Courage To Make Decisions
COURSE 002 Housework — The Final Frontier
COURSE 003 PMS — Solitary Confinement Will Work
COURSE 004 How To Properly Serve A Beer
COURSE 005 Shopping-Overcoming Your Addiction
COURSE 006 Laundry — Your Second Life
COURSE 007 Understanding "Men's Night Out"
COURSE 008 Parenting-You Too Can Learn How To Discipline
COURSE 009 Get a Life: Stop Crying
COURSE 010 How Not To Be a Bitch When Giving Directions
COURSE 011 Understanding Your Inferiority
COURSE 012 Get Rid of All Those Plants
COURSE 013 Bon Bons Aren't Everything
COURSE 014 How To Overcome Headaches During Foreplay
COURSE 015 SEX 101: You Can Survive Without Multiple Orgasms
COURSE 016 SEX 102: How To Sleep On The Wet Spot
COURSE 017 SEX 103: Shut-Up and Go To Sleep
COURSE 018 How To Conserve Toilet Paper
COURSE 019 Leave Him Alone During The Big Game
COURSE 020 Building Confidence 302 — Liposuction
COURSE 021 Building Confidence 303 — Breast Implants
COURSE 022 Building Confidence 304 — Electrolysis
COURSE 023 Learn How To Drive
COURSE 024 Distinguishing Between a Homerun & a Touchdown
Please register immediately as courses are in great demand.
Class size will be limited to 10 as the courses may prove to be emotional.
Happy Valentine's Day!
(exotic, erotic, and a wee bit psychotic...)
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