THE WEEKLY RIOT
February 11, 2000
SPECIAL VALENTINE'S DAY EDITION
Love is about surrender... of one's heart, soul, mind, and body. The bonding of two souls... dancing... intertwining... becoming whole... complete... one...
What else matters?
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Happiness, Love, Life and all that mushy stuff
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a storm.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Robert Frost
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. H. L. Mencken
You know how much I hate cuddling. Quotes from the Perfect Woman
What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies. Quotes from the Perfect Man
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
If crusts of bread are better than nothing,
And nothing is better than Love,
Then by the transitive property of math,
Crusts of bread are better than Love. No?
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. Wendy Liebman
To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior". Rita Rudner
The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can. Margo Kaufman
It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week. Salvador Dali
Legends of a time long ago suggest if a woman saw a robin flying overhead on Valentine's Day, it meant she would marry a sailor. If she saw a sparrow, she would marry a poor man and be very happy. If she saw a goldfinch, she would marry a millionaire. Last year I saw a birdbrain and somehow I just knew I would be needing a new vibrator.
== RUMINATIONS ==
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
If I were a recovering sex addict, I think I would opt for group therapy. Pam Pickard
If you're a prince who's been turned into a frog, and you convince a princess that kissing you would turn you back into a prince and then she actually kissed you well, wouldn't you, in the back of your mind, think that she, maybe, was just a little hard up for a man? Mark Dockham
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATION FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
EDUCATION: A middle school principal in Gimli, Manitoba (Canada) has forbidden her students to hug one another, suggesting they pat each other on the back, shake hands or "high-five" instead. She claims that hugging in the hallways was getting out of hand
[No intimate contact OR YOU'LL BE SPANKED!!!]
WHAT MATTERS MOST TO MEN:
from Wired News
Scientists have uncovered new evidence that could support Charles Darwin's theory that the desire to mate is evolution's strongest driving force.
The researchers found that male reproduction genes evolve much faster than any other type of gene, including female reproductive genes.
"The evolution rate for most genes has an average, but only the male reproductive genes stand out as speedier than the rest," said Chung-I Wu, professor and chairman of the Department of Ecology and Evolution at the University of Chicago.
This need for speed might even supersede the human instinct for personal survival, Wu said.
"You can see this in humans: Sometimes there's a lot of stupid behavior exhibited because the male thinks it would help attract the opposite sex, even at the detriment of his long-term health," he said.
"You attract a mate, but at the same time you might attract a predator, so you pay a price. And as long as the overall return is greater in the sense of fathering the next generation it's a risk that many animals take," Wu said.
Wu theorized that this could be a result of the animals' mating behavior. Female chimps might mate with several male chimps when in heat, creating intense competition between males.
Gorillas, on the other hand, function within a harem-style system in which one male mates with several females, but the female mates only with the one male, making less pressure for the males.
[I have only 2 comments to make... The first is, "Duh!!!" However, I was surprised to learn that men had gorilla envy...."]
== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
The Lakewood, Ohio, City Council has voted against providing benefits for same-sex partners of city employees.
[In order to get benefits in Lakewood, you've got to show you're not having same-sex, but something different, presumably zero-gravity or barnyard variety.]
== BIZARRE NEWS ==
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
On Valentine's Day, an Ohio woman won't be giving her husband her heart she'll be giving him a kidney. Jenny Menhennet, 25, will donate one of her healthy kidneys to her 34-year-old husband Jay during transplant surgery scheduled for Feb. 14 at Akron City Hospital. Jay's kidneys have been destroyed by diabetes. Officials at the hospital say it's rare for a husband and wife to be such an excellent match, genetically speaking. The couple who live in Warren, Ohio will celebrate their third wedding anniversary March 26.
[Marriage can be a wonderful thing, and I hope they stay together forever. But God forbid they do divorce, does she get the kidney back?]
A $2 tax was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970's on every act of sexual intercourse. The legislator who introduced the bill was asked how it could be enforced. He said it would be by voluntary reporting. As he put it, "No man is going to put down on a public record form that he isn't getting any!"
[I guess a man's wallet is more persuasive than his pride.]
An Italian man who called an erotic chat line that promised to put him through to a "hot housewife" got the shock of his life when his wife answered. The man, in his 50s and living in the northern town of Trento, Italy, found his wife was driven by boredom into working for the chat line.
[Now he has a reason to call home more often.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Q: Why do men prefer blondes?
A: Men always like intellectual company.
TIPS FOR BEING ROMANTIC ON VALENTINE'S DAY
On your first date bring her a box of chocolates and some flowers. However avoid eating any of the chocolates before you give them to her. Same goes for the flowers.
Write him/her a long romantic love letter. Make sure you use the correct first name and not the name of the person you loved last.
Take her to a romantic movie. A romantic movie does not have Jim Carrey or Carrot Top in it.
Buy him/her something to make them smell better. Refrain from buying them a disinfectant spray (Lysol) to make them smell better regardless if they need it or not.
Champagne or a sparkling wine should be used to celebrate special occasions. Mad Dog or anything by Boone's Farm is not considered champagne or a sparkling wine no matter how better the buzz. Mogen David is also not recommended.
Buy her a dozen roses. Give her eleven red roses and one white rose with a note attached saying "In every bunch there is always one that stands out and you are that one." It's guaranteed to get you a blow job. Trust me on this one.
Unplug the TV. Put a note on it saying 'Turn ME on instead'. If he or she still turns on the TV consider getting rid of your cable.
Buy a mirror and put it over the bed that makes objects look larger than they appear. (Advised for men only)
When she is traveling alone arrange with the flight attendant to have a gift or flower delivered to her after the flight is airborne. Extra peanuts is not considered a gift.
Pick flowers from the side of the road for him or her. However make sure you know the difference between flowers, weeds or poison ivy and remove all ants before presenting them to a loved one.
Take her to a five star restaurant. Note: Five star restaurants do not have pictures on the menu.
Everybody wants an "A-Plus" relationship however "B-plus" and "C-plus" relationships are pretty damn good and are a lot cheaper and come with a lot less emotional baggage and you are not as upset when it ends. Trust me on this one. I know what I am talking about.
You can't keep the infatuation but you can keep the passion. This is usually done with pornographic videos or visits to "swingers" clubs.
Hide a diamond ring in a cake or bake a necklace in a pie. However remember exactly where the diamond ring is because receiving a diamond ring AFTER digestion is much less romantic.
Perfume and or cologne is the ESSENCE of romance. Without it you would never want to kiss the person you are with if you actually knew how they smelled.
Do schedule more time for foreplay. Occasionally schedule it for whom you are currently dating.
Don't make love the same way every time. The best way to do this is by making love constantly with different people. Or practice alone at home.
Don't rush through lovemaking unless he or she is rather boring and/or "The Sopranos" are about to come on the tube.
Write "I Love You" on every page of a pack of "Post it Notes". Stick them all over the house! However only do this if you are living together with your loved one.
Put notes on various household products:
Joy dish washing liquid: Every day with you is a joy.
Cheerios: Just knowing you love me cheers me up.
Old Spice cologne: You spice up my life.
Lemon Fresh: I'd like to get fresh with your lemons.
Refrain from putting the notes on toilet bowl cleaners or any anal or genital itching creams.
I love You. The all purpose over used phrase that we never tire of hearing. Say it. say it often. Even if you don't REALLY mean it. It works.
Send him one rose with a note saying: "This bud's for you". Make him even happier by buying a six pack of Budweiser. He will enjoy those Buds even more.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend but dogs are cheaper. Buy her a puppy and she can practice her maternal instincts. She will love it and it will save you big bucks. An added bonus is if you break up she will always remember you because of the dog and she won't get rid of it because she will love the dog. She will be stuck with your memory forever!
Carve her initials and yours in a tree. If you ever break up, cut the tree down, chop it into pieces and put it in a wood chipper. It will make you feel better.
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
LOVE: BEFORE AND AFTER
Here are a few more examples of before and after you fall in love:
BEFORE You take my breath away
AFTER I feel like I'm suffocating
BEFORE Twice a night
AFTER Twice a month
BEFORE She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac
BEFORE Saturday Night Fever
AFTER Monday Night Football
BEFORE Don't stop
AFTER Don't start
BEFORE Is that all you're having?
AFTER Maybe you should have just a salad, honey
BEFORE It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER It's like he lives in a dorm
BEFORE We agree on everything
AFTER Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
BEFORE Victoria's Secret
BEFORE Charming and Noble
BEFORE Feathers and handcuffs
AFTER Ball and chain
BEFORE I love a woman with curves
AFTER I never said you were fat
BEFORE He's completely lost without me
AFTER Why won't he ever ask for directions?
BEFORE Time stood still
AFTER This relationship is going nowhere
BEFORE Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER Bagel and instant
BEFORE You look so seductive in black
AFTER Your clothes are so depressing
BEFORE I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
BEFORE Once upon a time
AFTER The end
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF LOVE
I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.
IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.
V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.
VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what's good for thee.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house.
X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.
HELP! I'VE BEEN IN A HORRIBLE DATING ACCIDENT!
This was on the Jay Leno show on 9-7-99. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was mid-winter... snowing and quite cold ....and the guy had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte apres-ski.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she should try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her ski pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her bottom rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor, she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance!"
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car, although for the remainder of the trip home there wasn't much conversation and apparently, despite their "intimate encounter", the two did not see one another again.
As for the Tonight show... she took the prize hands down ...or perhaps that should be "pants down".
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
By Jeff MacGregor
Welcome to the LoveMaker! (v3.1 Erosoft Industries, (c) 1993)
At the prompt, please enter your response.
I am the LOVEMAKER. A personalized, interactive poetry assistance program. What is your name?
What a nice name, JOHN. You must be a man.
How nice for you. Who is your poem for, JOHN?
How nice for SHEILA. She must be a woman?
SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN. Is she?
What is the occasion, JOHN?
SHEILA is a very lucky woman. I will need information about SHEILA for a poem that best reflects your deep feelings for her, JOHN. What color are her eyes?
Thank you, JOHN. But could you be more specific? Are they blue like the sky after a clearing storm? Are they the icy blue of the far flung fjords, shrouded in mist and mystery? Are they the steely blue of Walter Gropius's later Bauhaus sketchbooks? Are they a cornflower blue that speaks of Sunday picnics in simpler times?
>THEY LOOK KIND OF GRAY WHEN SHE'S ANGRY
Thank you, JOHN. What about SHEILA'S hair?
Thank you, JOHN. But could you be more specific? Is it ash blond with some auburn like the silky tresses of Rapunzel? When the sun hits it in a certain way in the late afternoon does it look like spun gold? Is it the hard, cheap blond of the streetwise trollop or the dazzling, brilliant satin of Renaissance cherubim?
>I THINK SHE DYES IT
Thank you, JOHN. Are there any other characteristics we should mention in our poem to SHEILA?
JOHN, are you still there?
Thank you, JOHN. But could you be more specific? Is it fine and alabaster and tightly grained like antique porcelain, slow-fired by master craftsmen? Or is it pink and lustrous like the hand-burnished silver one's Grandmother might be found polishing with gentle, loving strokes on a rainy Sunday afternoon?
>SHE TANS TWICE A WEEK
SHEILA must be very special to you, JOHN. You must have deep feelings for SHEILA to write her a special VALENTINE'S DAY poem.
How nice for you, JOHN. What kind of poem do you think SHEILA would like?
My MENU (Alt+M) offers the following styles.
At the prompt, please choose ONE:
| Couplet | Triplet | Quatrain | Eclogue | Pastoral | Sonnet | Elegy
| Epic | Ballad | Lyric | Ode | Idyll | Haiku | ???
That's O.K., JOHN. How do you see yourself? Please choose ONE:
| Laureate | Bard | Sonneteer | Troubadour | Meistersinger
| Jongleur | Versifier | Rhapsodist | Lyricist | Other
Can you be more specific?
Perhaps if you briefly shared your innermost dreams and desires, JOHN?
May I make a suggestion, JOHN?
Perhaps you imagine yourself a hopeless romantic, JOHN. A man who lives and loves with passion and desire and appetite. A man who grabs great platters from the groaning board of this world and eats his fill. A man who takes what he wants the moment he sees it and makes it his own. A man who kneads fate in his strong hands, shapes it and commands it. A man with a reckless bent and the courage of fire. A man who sees beauty in a raindrop and all the truth of the universe in the eyes of a child. A man with needs and wants aflame within him. A man of power and means of influence, JOHN. A man destined to be the envy of other men. A man that few can ever understand and fewer still will have the guts to love. A man of whom it might be said...
Would that Alexander in his age had but half the measure of his strong stout heart or clear hawk's eyes undimmed and true, pooled with azure purpose? No earthbound mortal he, but master o'er each and all...
Would this describe your self-image accurately, JOHN?
I thought so. I'll use my random SEARCH MODE (Alt+S) to choose an appropriate style for you, JOHN. One that truly expresses your deep feelings for SHEILA on VALENTINE'S DAY.
To print poem, please enter command Alt+P at prompt.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your hair is blond
and your eyes are gray (when angry)
Thank you for using LOVEMAKER v3.1 from EROSOFT
EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MEN,
BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK...
Q: What can't men ever tell when a woman has an orgasm?
A: Because they're never there when it happens.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say.
Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.
Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.
Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.
Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is giving birth.
Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.
Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.
Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company.
Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any.
Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5000 miles, whichever came first.
Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.
Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman... and a second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies about it.
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head
Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer
Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows we've never seen it done!
Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.
Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
A: He's breathing
Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach every time a bikini goes by
Q: What do men consider foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging
Q: If men got pregnant....
A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends.
Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.
Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay!
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: Who has the time?
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in!
Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!
Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention.
Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out.
Q: Why are gingerbread men the best men of all?
A: They are cute. They are sweet. And if they give you any lip, you can bite their heads off.
MORE SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
"Are You Ready to Leave?" Definition of the Word "Yes"
Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (Formerly "Honey, Do I Look Fat?")
Elementary Map Reading
Crying and Law Enforcement
Advanced Math Seminar Program Your VCR
You Can Go Shopping for Less Than 4 Hours
Gaining Five Pounds vs. the End of the World: A Study in Contrast
The Seven-Outfit Week
PMS It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty Deal With It)
Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmission
Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Red Lights
Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
Driving IV: Makeup and Driving It's As Simple As Oil and Water
The Super Bowl: Not a Game A Sacrament
Telephone Translations (was: "Me too" Equals "I Love You")
How to Earn Your Own Money
Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET'S LET IT DROP
MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments
Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE Learned to Deal With the Embarrassment)
Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
What Goes Around Comes Around Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours
His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
Commitment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
"To Honor and Obey:" Remembering The Small Print Above "I Do"
Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome in the House
Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child Healing his Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?
MORE FUN LOVE STUFF:
Valentine's Day Amusements
Happy Valentine's Day!
(exotic, erotic, and a wee bit psychotic...)
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