February 18, 2000

Love is about surrender — of one's heart, soul, mind, and body... The bonding of two souls... dancing... intertwining... becoming whole... complete... one... What else matters?

The value of life can be measured by how many times your soul has been deeply stirred...

— Soichiro Honda

(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell. — Aldous Huxley

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. — Dolly Parton

I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me. — Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss)

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees, then name streets after them.

Money doesn't talk, it swears. — Bob Dylan

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child — if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come
out tender. — W.C. Fields

Can someone please tell me what's happened the past month? I just came out of my Y2K shelter.


Copyright © 2000, Chris White

If life gives you llamas, make llamanade. — Dave Appleby

Back when I was young, Mom used to cook TV dinners for dad. My memory's a bit fuzzy, but I think they were called Angry Man. — J. Hutter

How many roads must a man go down before he will stop and ask directions?!!? — Michelle Argabrite

We will never become a truly paperless society until the Palm Pilot folks come out with "WipeMe 1.0." — Andy Pierson, I Bet — Original humor by Andy Pierson


Looking for enlightenment is like looking for a flashlight,
when all you need the flashlight for is to find the flashlight.


--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail

Eric Angel, 20, fell from the bow of the Nordic Empress cruise liner at about 4 a.m. on February 5, off St. Thomas in the U.S. Virgin Islands. Angel, from Phoenix, Arizona, was rescued three hours later north of St. Thomas Island and taken to hospital to be treated for a shoulder injury.
[He's watched 'Titanic' way too many times...]



Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg

Dr. Ludvik Janos, a part-time Kent State University professor who lost his temper during a class, calling his students "dumb Americans," has been fired.
[He plans to work on his split-finger fastball and apply for a spot as a balancing presence in the Atlanta Braves bullpen.]

A man who admitted he repeatedly posed as a lawyer to represent people facing criminal charges has been sentenced to more than three years in prison.
[Meanwhile, lawyers who repeatedly pose as human get no penalty whatsoever.]

Musician and former "Entertainment Tonight" host John Tesh has settled a lawsuit against an online business that registered an Internet domain name which infringed on his rights.
[The terms of the settlement with were not disclosed.]

79-year-old James "Scotty" Doohan and his 43-year old wife are expecting a new baby in April.
[Doohan explains he's not sure how it happened — he thought he was merely "playing with the Tribble".]

Manufacturers this week in Florida will introduce the first air-conditioned golf cart.
[The manufacturers, however, are concerned the cold air might mix with the gusts of moist, hot air blown by the average golfer and cause a rain cloud to follow the cart around the course.]

A series of cyber-attacks last week left some of the Web's most high-profile sites staggering under the weight of tens of thousands of bogus messages, sparking the involvement of the FBI.
[Attorney General Janet Reno told the American public to "remain calm — at no time now or in the future will the people's access to the free flow of pornography be compromised."]

--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--

Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.


A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender IS blond, the bouncer is blond. I'm a 6' tall, 200 LB black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


15. They brag about stealing all the software off your site,

14. "Feedback on my hacking? E-mail me at the address below."

13. The end of their political message reads, "This hack best viewed with Internet Explorer 4.0 or above."

12. HTML-impaired vandals resort to TP'ing your server.

11. After hacking in, improved security so much they felt compelled to turn themselves in.

10. Their lone devious act of "vandalism" was to correct all your spelling errors.

9. When eBay comes back online, the entire auction consists of a bunch of Dungeons and Dragons crap being sold by four geeks in Poughkeepsie.


7. The KKK logo they left uses white letters on a white background.

6. Pamela Lee has clothes on now.

5. "pHaNtOm" tried to disable your retail website by using his American Express platinum card to purchase your entire inventory.

4. Today's topic looks a wee bit suspicious: "DA ToP5 R33ZUNZ Y DA S1LV3R SURF3R PoSS3 RooLZ!!!!!"

3. Someone broke into your credit card database and stole 400,000 middle initials.

2. Hacked into just to read the articles.

      and's Number 1 Sign Your Website Was Hacked by a Dumb Guy...

1. Calls himself "Dr. Evil" and demands that he will unleash an attack on the entire world and bring the Internet to a screeching halt unless he receives $100 "in small bills."

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White


15. Audience quick-poll showed that 36% of Americans have at one time been married to moderator Larry King.

14. "...and we'd like to thank Mr. Quayle for his help with the valet parking tonight."

13. Using a moist towelette, Larry King makes an unsuccessful attempt to wipe the smirk off George W. Bush's face.

12. With Forbes out of the running, Alan Keyes cruises to an easy victory in the swimsuit competition.

11. Special guest Strom Thurmond wows the crowd by doing a dozen one-armed push-ups.

10. In a freak suspender accident, John McCain is nearly blinded as Larry King bends over to kiss his ass.

9. McCain: Boxers
Keyes: Briefs
Bush: Confederate flag

8. None of the candidates seemed very comfortable with Larry's question, "How would you feel if your daughter came home and told you she was marrying a seventy year old with his own talk show?"

7. Keyes sets his podium on fire, yet still fails to gain any attention from disinterested public.

6. Every time a candidate says, "I disagree," an inebriated King shouts, "Circle gets the square!!!"

5. Bush claims that, although he spoke at Bob Jones University, he didn't inhale.

5. A topless Steve Forbes dances around the stage with "Soy Bomb" written on his chest.

3. A frazzled Bush arrives 45 minutes late, claiming that he "took a wrong turn in East Carolina."

2. After the debate, Barbara Bush invites all the candidates to pile into the minivan for a Dairy Queen run.

and's Number 1 Surprise in Last Night's Republican Primary Debate...

1. "I worked with George Bush, I knew George Bush, and Governor, you're no Geor... DOH!!!"

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White


These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

• I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
• I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
• Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
• Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
• Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
• It's best for employers that I not work with people.
• I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
• Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
• Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.
• My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
• Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
• Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
• Marital status: often. Children: various.
• Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
• The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.


10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View".

9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just won't work.

8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivalent to a busy signal.

7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.

6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try.

5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.

4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.

3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz... again.

2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do.

1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated."


An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's 50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."


10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
7. The rearview mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."
6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
5. Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
4. The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."
3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.
2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
1. When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.


18. That Tony Robbins Seminar firewalk trick *finally* pays off!

17. Your "Do you smell something burning?" slays ‘em, year after year.

16. Plenty of legal help available for filing "wrongful death" lawsuit.

15. Newly passed law: Three strikes and you're back in LA.

14. Satan's confused attempts to torture masochists can be highly entertaining.

13. Inability to ice skate no longer gets in the way of having fun.

12. Well, sure, it's hot, but it's a *dry* heat.

11. Free prostate checks and PAP smears administered daily!

10. The surprisingly entertaining "Hitler and Kathie Lee Show."

9. Prizes awarded for best crank phone calls to God.

8. 52 smmmmmokin' channels of Jim Carrey!

7. Upon arrival, you realize it's a big step up from Bakersfield.

6. Party-Animal Satan throws one helluva weenie roast!

5. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80's).

4. Finally rid of that pesky little "conscience angel" on *right* shoulder.

3. Which would you rather jam to: Harps & choirs, or Hendrix & Morrison?

2. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Hitler.

      and's Number 1 Good Thing About Going to Hell...

1. Fortune to be made on "Welcome, O.J." t-shirts.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996, by Chris White


12. Your coffee stays hot all day!

11. Never have to look very far to find the legal department.

10. 30% fewer "Dilbert" cartoons in the break room.

9. In Hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy.

8. You get to spend more time with your spouse now.

7. No more wondering if the boss hates you.

6. Riding to work in a handbasket beats the hell out of public transportation.

5. Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite invigorating.

4. Surfing porno sites all day scores *major* points with the boss!

3. Your job? Suit and tie.
Hell? Pitchforks and attitude, Baby!

2. Ferocious reptilian demons can appreciate a good dirty joke now and then without threatening a sexual harassment complaint.

and's Number 1 Way Hell is Better Than Your Job...

1. Microwave popcorn — without leaving your cubicle!

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White


Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Arkansas State Lottery?
A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Arkansas?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.

Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas burned down?
A: Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

Q: Did you hear about the new law recently passed in Arkansas?
A: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
A: I-40.

Q: What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

Q: Why do folks in Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

Q: What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page


When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested.

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."

[Thanks again to John]

(The 60's vs. The 90's)

Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.

Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

Then: "Whatever"
Now: "Depends"

[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Keimach's Home Page]


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: My wife says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables.
A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop.

Q: Is beer bad for you?
A: I normally don't like to answer questions which deal with my religious values, but I find this question so anathema I simply have to say something. Look, it goes to the earlier point about vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. Well, we all know that beer is not an animal, and it's not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and tell everyone you're on a vegetarian diet.

Q: What is my "skin age?"
A: Well, how old are you?

Q: I'm 38 years old.
A: Well, I'd say your skin is at least that old, wouldn't you?

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs, though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.

Q: I'm getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this?
A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger, right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: I thought it would be good for me to carry my clubs when I play golf, but last weekend some idiot almost ran over me with the golf cart!
A: Uh, sorry, I was reaching into my cooler and didn't see you.

Q: There's a lot of equipment available at the gym today, like the treadmill, the stair-stepper, etc. Which one do you recommend?
A: The strato-lounger.

[Thanks again to Brad]


Recently, while I was watching a rerun of Seinfeld at 11 PM after a long day in the office, I saw an unusual commercial which made me look twice. It was a commercial for an Interactive Microsoft doll. At first I thought this was a joke, but soon came to realize that in its attempt to keep 4th quarter earning high, and its stock price soaring, it had to diversify.

I tried to guess whether Microsoft was licensing the product or actually making it. So I did some research and found out the following in my pursuit of the truth. My conclusion was that the product was conceived and produced in Redmond at Microsoft's headquarters.

It is based on the following data:

• The batteries turned out to be non-standard. Only Microsoft batteries work with the doll and Duracell has already filed suit.

• A secretive anti-Furby rumor campaign has been going on for the past few months.

• The doll speaks quite eloquently, walks quickly — but then crashes into the wall — repeatedly — for no apparent reason.

• While the doll generally has a nice interactive manner, she seems to get rather rude when in the presence of the lawyer dolls and government dolls, of which she has
said "Oh, they are just recyclable plastic"

• A report from the Wall Street Journal has learned that "Ken" has received a large number of Microsoft stock options and has reportedly been shying away from Barbie.



Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken rethink its physical distribution
strategy and implementation process. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes, and technologies in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen Consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

[Thanks again to John]


12. Not even smart enough to evade tabloid photographers.

11. All it takes is Sigourney Weaver or the Fresh Prince to kick their collective asses.

10. Their chosen point of contact after light-years of space travel? Bubba's Tire Repair in Hawktree, AL.

9. Earth Mission Objective #1: Steal latest Ronco and Popiel technology.

8. Last Earthbound spacecraft was destroyed by Frisbee-catching dog.

7. Always losing their best-looking women to Captain Kirk.

6. They certainly could have chosen a better infiltrator than Dennis Rodman.

5. Crop circles? Nothing more than an intergalactic Etch-A-Sketch.

4. Latest signal intercepted by SETA contains the repeated phrase, "I know you are but what am I?"

3. Safely traverse light years through the cosmos only to crash into an Air Force base in the middle of a desert.

2. Cigar-shaped UFO's are a classic indication that they are developmentally trapped in the phallic stage.

      and's Number 1 Sign Alien Civilizations Aren't So Advanced...

1. They seem just a tad too trigger-happy with that anal probe.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996, by Chris White


Scientists have finally solved the age-old question: How do you make mice smarter?

Thanks to Dr. Tsien, we can now look forward to mice that eat cheese with wine. The following text includes excerpts from Dr. Tsien's lab notes, the Princeton scientist who conducted the experiments.

To raise the intelligence of a mouse without sending it to prep school.

If this works, I'll be rich.

Today I administered the initial injections into the Mouse A, and gave Mouse B a salted cracker. The effects were immediately noticeable. Mouse A not only escaped from his cage, but locked the door behind him. Unfortunately, Mouse B had trouble getting out of his cage even when I left the door open. For the sake of commercial appeal, I named Mouse A after the television prodigy — Doogie. As for the dumb mouse, I named it Dawson.

WEEK 11:
Doogie gets more sophisticated each day. Today he finished the New York Times Crossword puzzle. While his answers were correct, we were very disappointed with Doogie's penmanship. But, of course he looks like a divine creature compared to Dawson who attempted the puzzle for a millisecond
before peeing on it.

WEEK 27:
I notice that the smarter Doogie gets, the more he looks depressed. I left a hidden camera in the room and observed the common mice calling Doogie a "geek," and "nerd," while chasing him around the cage. Although Doogie has a high IQ, he is very sensitive, and I had to explain to him that the other mice were just jealous. Meanwhile, Dawson has become the most popular mouse in the lab and has become a hit with the Minnie Mice.

Dr. Tsien has done an excellent job. But from now on — I'm in charge. Sincerely, Doogie.


10. You leave the store with a steaming cup of cappuccino and arrive at your car with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Mocha Madness.

9. Richard Simmons forced to layer two tank tops.

8. Your hands are too frozen to type — but fortunately, the chattering of your teeth deceives your boss.

7. Sperm banks no longer found the only place to find frozen sperm.

6. Jehovah's Witness at the front door offers to keep his opinions to himself in exchange for 5 minutes in front of your fireplace.

5. John Rocker mumbles something about "those Eskimo bastards."

4. Alan Keyes condones same-sex cuddling.

3. Linda Tripp's new parts crumble and fall off.

2. The Washington Monument is only 5 feet tall.

and's Number 1 Sign It's Way Too Cold Outside...

1. Cher finally puts on panties.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White


• Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother.

• You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her.

• She has a thicker mustache than you.

• When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions.

• You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole.

• Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system.

• You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass.

• You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin.

• At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic.

• She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut.

• You wake up the next morning with a wicked hangover. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno.

• At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill.

• She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan.

• She is better hung than you.

• She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her.

• She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you.

• She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.

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Love is about surrender — of one's heart, soul, mind, and body... The bonding of two souls... dancing... intertwining... becoming whole... complete... one... What else matters?

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