THE WEEKLY RIOT
February 25, 2000
Love is a wonderful thing.
You never have to take it away
From one person to give it to another.
There's always more than enough to go around.
Pamela de Roy
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him... is he still wrong?
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way. Daniele Vare
George W. Bush is looking to attract more Hispanic voters. At least that's what I thought he meant when he said he was planning on "scoring some Colombian".
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 1999, Chris White
In retrospect, my line of adult Pokemon cards might have sold a little better if I'd had them drawn professionally, instead of just using Polaroids of myself. Silas Knight
SPECIAL FEATURE
You've got to see this it's hysterical:
Sex on the Internet
[Thanks to The Mother Goddess (Dr. Mom) for sending me this]
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
[Right. How are the latest transmissions from that Mars Lander, by the way...?]
MEDICINE: A Brazilian engineer claiming to embody the spirit of a World War I German field doctor eluded arrest during a raid on his makeshift office where he treated the poor. Rubens de Faria, who says he is the reincarnation of "Dr. Adolph Fritz," started work again this week a year after authorities closed the "clinic" where they said he operated on hundreds of cancer victims and paraplegics without anesthesia...
[They knew he was a phony when he thought that anesthesia was the daughter of the last Russian Tzar...]
TELEVISION: Another knot has surfaced for the groom on television's "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire." A Web site is reporting that Rick Rockwell, the man who picked a bride and said "I do" on national TV last week, was once ordered by a court to
stay away from an ex-fiancee who accused him of being abusive
["When Husbands Attack!!! Next on FOX!!!"]
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
Giant worms living 1,700 feet below the surface of the Gulf of Mexico have been found to be up to 250 years old a record for creatures without a backbone, scientists say.
[The former longest-lived creature without a backbone was, of course, F. Lee Bailey.]
A Virginia State Senate committee has approved a bill to require every public school in the state to set aside one minute each school day for silent "meditation, prayer or reflection."
[During the contemplative moment, all gradeschoolers will be required to honor whatever God they worship by postponing their Ritalin dose and holstering their weapon.]
The risk of heart disease and stroke is twice as high in women who snore regularly as in those who never snore, report US researchers.
[However, authorities stress that if a "heart disease researcher" asks to sleep with you, it's prudent to insist on seeing his National Institute of Health badge.]
Donald Trump has announced that he will not seek the Reform Party nomination for president.
[His ego, however, indicated it continued to campaign for the presidency alone and perhaps even make a run at Intergalactic Emperor.]
Jeb Bush, Florida's governor is ending all affirmative action programs.
[While Jeb may have abandoned the disadvantaged, his brother George W. continues on the greatest campaign ever to bring honor to the nation's "C" students.]
The musical "Cats," which is the longest-running show in Broadway history, will close in June after 7,397 performances.
[Just to be sure it doesn't happen again, Andrew Lloyd-Webber and the entire cast will be spayed or neutered.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away... the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK!" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back
away from it . . ."
MALE DOMINANCE
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my
image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
GEORGE W. BUSH QUOTES
(Is it possible he and Dan Quayle were mistakenly separated at birth???)
"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there."
Texas Gov. George W. Bush, presidential candidate.
"Food on the family."
George W. Bush listing one of the priorities of his future administration.
"This is Preservation month. I appreciate preservation. This is what you do when you run for president. You've got to preserve."
George W. Bush to several hundred children at an elementary school in Nashua that was celebrating what it called Perseverance Month (not Preservation Month).
"Is your children learning?"
George W. Bush on education.
"Some people have too much freedom."
George W. Bush
"The Grecians."
George W. Bush on Greek people.
"What I'm against is quotas. I'm against hard quotas, quotas that basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society."
George W. Bush, meaning to say "balkanize," not "vulcanize" we think and something about quotas (Austin American-Statesman 3/23/99).
"Sitting down and reading a 500-page book on public policy or philosophy or something."
George W. Bush when asked to name something he isn't good at (Talk magazine, September 1999).
"Please! Don't kill me."
George W. Bush to Larry King, mocking what Karla Faye Tucker said when asked "What would you say to Governor Bush?" prior to her execution by lethal injection (as reported by Talk magazine, September 1999).
"Tell them I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made."
George W. Bush
"Just make sure you put in there, 'He was real tired, too'."
George W. Bush on the press reporting his verbal miscues.
THE TOP 10 WEB PAGES LEAST LIKELY TO PROSPER
10. www.drscholls.com/foot/fungus/images
9. www.pullmyfinger.com
8. www.microsoft.com/bloatedcode/downloads
7. www.nails~on~blackboard.com
6. www.oj.com/help_find_killers
5. www.richardsimmons.com/tanktops
4. www.wegotintoharvardudidnt.edu
3. www.marcelmarceau.com/chat
2. www.amish.org/amish_women/pictures
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Web Page Least Likely to Prosper...
1. www.willardscott.com/showercam
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996, by Chris White
IS WINDOWS A VIRUS?
Is Windows a virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
They replicate quickly.
Okay, Windows does that
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Okay, Windows does that too
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Yep Windows does that, too
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Sigh... Windows does that, too
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Yup, that's with Windows, too
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, Windows is *not* a virus !
THE TOP 12 BUGS IN WINDOWS 2000
12. Every time you hit the space bar, hundreds of Ritz crackers fly out of the CD-ROM drive.
11. The so-called "help" file is really just a collection of lame "Chicken Soup for the Soul" anecdotes.
10. Refuses to install new programs until you've achieved "clear" status.
9. You hit "delete" and the guy in the next cubicle is instantly transported to Albuquerque.
8. In the middle of your fastest game of Minefield yet, the Stephen Hawking office assistant pops up and says, "It looks like you're trying to arrive at a Unified Field Theory. Can I help you?"
7. Incorrect installation of printer drivers launches a nuclear strike against France.
6. Dreaded "Blue Screen of Death" replaced by less fearsome "Hamster Dance Screen of Death."
5. Too easy to win new "Whack-a-Reno" game.
4. Default search options include "Body Cavity Search."
3. Replaces hilarious, intellectual, pithy Top5 list items with crude junior high school humor.
2. Any time you empty the Recycle Bin, NASA loses another Mars Lander.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Bug in Windows 2000...
1. Changes ".gov" domain to ".bite-me" domain every time.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996, by Chris White
THE DOCTOR, THE CHEMIST AND THE ENGINEER
The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine.
As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"
"Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.
Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, again, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.
Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?"
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
The executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out, "WAIT! I see what the problem is!"
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
THE TOP 18 SIGNS YOU'RE IN THE WRONG RELIGION
18. Prayer books contain nothing but show tunes.
17. In church, they pass a "specimen plate."
16. Their main prophet is scamming on your girlfriend.
15. You must kneel and pray five times a day facing Redmond, Washington.
14. Parents finally inform you that whether or not Jesus sees his shadow outside of cave on Easter has NOTHING to do with arrival of spring in six weeks.
13. The *only* food that you're allowed to eat is pork.
12. "The first reading is from the Book of Newt..."
11. Your position in the afterlife depends on how many cleaning products you sell here on earth.
10. Larry King's birthday is the High Holy Day for the year.
9. Sacrificing a goat wasn't so bad, but working the tech support line really sucks.
8. Your new messiah claims to have fed the multitudes with a bucket of chicken, some fries and a Big Gulp.
7. Even though they taste heavenly, you're pretty sure Malomars are not a sacrament.
6. All the commandments begin, "You might be a sinner if..."
5. That special announcement saying that your leader, the God Who Walks Among Men, finally got his G.E.D.
4. "Sinner of the Week" eligible for valuable prizes.
3. Constant fear that the elders will discover the laptop you've got squirreled away in the buggy shed.
2. Frequency of circumcision increased from once in a lifetime to once a year.
and the Number 1 Sign You're in the Wrong Religion...
1. Communion performed with tortilla chips and a shot of Cuervo.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996, by Chris White
TEN GAMES OLD PEOPLE PLAY
1. Sag, You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc Goose
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta (or Viagra)
10. Musical Recliners
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
THE TOP 13 DIFFERENCES IN THE WWF'S NEW FOOTBALL LEAGUE
NOTE FROM CHRIS: The World Wrestling Federation has announced plans to start its own pro football league. The folks behind the pro wrestling phenomenon have named their project the XFL, and say they will begin play in 2001. We here at TopFive were wondering how it will differ from *real* pro football...
13. Two-point conversion now involves a tire iron, a bicycle chain and a sixteen-foot banquet table.
12. Challenged rulings are reviewed by the Kansas State Board of Education.
11. All that murder, spousal abuse, solicitation, drug abuse, assault and spoiled rich athlete stuff? Staged.
10. Helmets and shoulder pads? THEY'RE FOR WUSSES!!!
9. XFL sponsors the Punch, Whup Ass, and Kick-to-the-Groin competition for kids.
8. Winning coach's "Gatorade shower" replaced with folding chair over the head of the losing coach.
7. "Stone Cold Steve Long-Snapper" not nearly as popular as he used to be.
6. Sudden death now involves copious amounts of fake blood.
5. NFL: A mass of Neanderthals with an IQ near zero.
XFL: A mass of Neanderthals with an IQ below zero.
4. Due to use of steel cage, pre-game coin toss is much bloodier than NFL counterpart.
3. Field goal: 3 points. Kicking opposing QB's head through goalposts: 12 points.
2. During the championship game's half-time show, thousands cheer wildly as Whitney Houston is given a piledriver.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Difference in the WWF's New Football League...
1. Less foot, more balls.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
BIZARRE TRIVIA
Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people.
Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive.
Clinophobia is the fear of beds.
The sloth (a mammal) moves so slowly that green algae can grow undisturbed on it's fur.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist. [Figures.]
Astronauts cannot cry. In space, there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow.
A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.
In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.
BIZARRE NEWS
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
THE TOP 15 SIGNS YOU'VE AWAKENED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE
15. Host Dan Quayle reprimands "Jeopardy!" contestants for not phrasing responses in the form of an answer.
14. Your checking account balance: large.
Your ass: small.
13. "Amazon.com is down over 40 points again today despite news of record profits..."
12. Everything is *exactly* the same... except corn on the cob is held vertically, not horizontally.
11. 'N Sync doesn't really, really suck.
10. .melborp a regnol on si aixelsyd ruoY
9. "Hey, Madonna, stop licking my ears for a second and help me think of a joke for this Top 5 List."
8. A "like, totally hardcore condemnation, Buh-h-h-h-hdy!" issued by President Pauly Shore to Russia.
7. Linda Tripp's inner beauty shines through.
6. Furious axe battle going on nearby between a seven-foot armadillo and a shirtless William Shatner.
5. I'm sorry, I was getting my trunk waxed. What was the question?
4. Everything exactly the same, except Kate Moss never vomits.
3. Suddenly *perpendicular* parking is a bitch.
2. Amish porn stars are doing commercials for wooden condoms on TV.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You've Awakened in a Parallel Universe...
1. Today's headline: "President Caught Giving Intern a Hummer!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
WHERE DID I COME FROM?
One day little Johnny came up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did I come from?"
Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, his son's eyes got wider and wider.
When Dad was finished, his son said, "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia."
A little girl was puzzled as to her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?"
Her mommy said, using a well-worn phrase, "The good Lord sent you."
"And did Lord send you too, Mommy?"
"Yes, Dear, He did."
"And Grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked the little girl?
Again the answer was, "Yes."
The child shook her head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years?......No wonder everyone is so cranky!"
ALCOHOLIC PERSONALITIES...
Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Wine (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years... Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Then there is the male addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.
Domestic Beer
He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey
He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.
Tequila
Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.
White Zinfandel
He's gay.
White Russian
He's really gay.
[Thanks to Fred (the God of Golf) and Sharon The Book of Affirmations]
THE TOP 12 BOWLING ALLEY PICK-UP LINES
12. "Damn, Midge! You even *spit* real ladylike!"
11. "This place is kinda seedy. Whaddaya say you and me go to the track?"
10. "How 'bout a little mayo on those fries?"
9. "...a can of Schlitz, a basket of nachos, and thou."
8. "Hey, cutie Care to defungi our shoes together?"
7. Pick-up line? Just throw her over your shoulder and haul her outta there! If it was good enough for my Pa...
6. "I love a woman who knows how to *really* enjoy her Dinty Moore."
5. "Strike... a pose!"
4. "Baby, I want to plug you & drill you like a lane ball!"
3. "Y'know, if you lost a few pounds, I could bowl your weight!"
2. "Honey, don't leave my ten pin standing!"
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Bowling Alley Pick-Up Line...
1. "Didja hear? I been re-elected President!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996, by Chris White
THE TOP 12 SIGNS YOU'RE WATCHING A BAD DOCUMENTARY
12. The danger element seems to be missing in "Stefan Erwin Lhasa Apso Hunter!"
11. It's about your 14 year old daughter, and appears to have been filmed with a camcorder from your neighbor's window.
10. Narrator can't keep from giggling during dung beetle mating sequence.
9. "The Making of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze" just barely touches on Vanilla Ice's role in the movie.
8. Harsh lullaby of the Savanna marred by overhearing Pirates of the Caribbean next door.
7. Dramatic reenactment of The Battle of Midway sullied by shampoo bottles and panty hose hanging from the towel rod.
6. You find yourself wishing another Priceline.com commercial with Bill Shatner singing would come on.
5. "Sensing that danger is lurking near his cubicle, the Top5 contributor minimizes Solitaire on his desktop and reveals his spreadsheet camouflage."
4. Too much plot and dialogue, not enough hot monkey-love.
3. Sound effects for the battlefield reenactments consist of Emeril Lagasse shouting "Bam!" repeatedly.
2. "Here, in its natural habitat, the Big Mac seems no more deadly than your average order of fries."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Watching a Bad Documentary...
1. Tonight on the Discovery Channel, John Woo's "Caterpillars of Fury."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE TOP 13 GOOD THINGS ABOUT A COLD WINTER
13. The melodious clanging Anna Nicole Smith's breasts make when she walks.
12. BATF calls off its siege of your heavily fortified compound when agents run out of hot cocoa.
11. Much easier to locate nipples during foreplay.
10. Finally, a chance to say, "Yeah, but it's a dry cold."
9. Natural refrigeration keeps vagrants crisp and fresh until Spring.
8. You can chill your malt liquor on the window ledge at work.
7. Joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid yourself of those troublesome extremities.
6. No newsclips of jogging President for at least 8 more weeks.
5. Watching O.J. enviously eye everyone else's toasty-warm glove-clad hands.
4. Flashers stick to describing themselves.
3. Spouse temporarily stops using back seat of car for illicit affairs.
2. When it's 10 below, nobody gives a rat's ass whether Internet Explorer is better than Netscape.
and the Number 1 Good Thing About a Cold Winter...
1. With multiple layers, people with buns of steel look exactly like people with buns of cinnamon.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
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Subscribe to The WEEKLY RIOT
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WebGoddess: Victoria
E-mail: StarGoddess@iamyours.com
| Star Goddess | Photos | Soul Mates | Humor | Quotes | Current Affairs | Passionate Poetry | Postcards | Horoscopes | INFP | Links |
http://come.to/webgoddess