T H E W E E K L Y R I O T
March 3, 2000
What we truly and earnestly aspire to be, that in some sense we are. The mere aspiration, by changing the frame of mind, for the moment realizes itself.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Please be advised that I have been scheduled for an OPTORECTOMY procedure. The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord that connects my rectum to my eyes and, hopefully, alleviate my shitty outlook on life.
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen
The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness! Mark Russell
Q: What's the difference between Chicago and Green Bay?
A: In Chicago, Moosehead is a beer. In Green Bay, it's a felony.
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
It's a sad, sad day when you realize you have more passwords than phone numbers in your "little black book". Philip Gall
Oh, to have the wings of an eagle... to majestically soar over my hometown and crap on all those kids who made my life miserable in high school. Chester Wickstaff
INTELLIGENCE: A 4-year-old girl from Irving, Texas is the latest member of the high-IQ Mensa society. Priya Purewal joined Mensa after her IQ was measured at between 148 and 170, putting her in the top two percent of the population
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
[Next time somebody accuses you of having the mind of a four year old remember this story...]
INTERNATIONAL NEWS: Focus magazine is reporting that a study by leading German condom manufacturer Condomi has shown the standard European Union size condom is frequently too large for German men. Statistics showed standard-sized condoms falling off half of the men studied. "The average German penis is about 3.5 to 4 millimeters (0.13 to 0.15 inches) too narrow for the standard EN 600 condom,'' the magazine wrote. The EU set the EN 600 guidelines for rubber condoms in 1996 to establish a uniform standard across Europe."
[Suddenly Germany starting two world wars makes a lot of sense ]
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
The once-dormant Philippines' Mayon volcano unleashed two powerful eruptions on Monday, ejecting ash and rocks several miles into the air.
[Officials at Pfizer apologized for the overkill in displaying the powerful effectiveness of their drug, Viagra.]
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
Zoo staff have been keeping leeches alive by feeding them their own blood. A consignment of 19 leeches arrived at Drusillas Park in Alfriston, East Sussex, on Friday needing to be fed. Perplexed staff phoned London Zoo for advice, to be told that the creatures would be tempted only by human
blood. Head zookeeper Jamie Craig decided he was prepared to sacrifice himself to the cause and attached one of the leeches to his forearm, where it fed contentedly for nearly an hour. Seven other volunteers came forward to provide the leeches with a meal. Jamie says, "Their mouths have three parts and you feel it stinging as they break the skin. "Then you just feel it sucking. It stings now and again when they suck really hard.
[Boy, I'm familiar with that sensation.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16 last, at approximately 11:45 PM, in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane', did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Jaguars."
REASONS TO CELEBRATE MARCH
March is Foot Health Month
March is National Furniture Refinishing Month
March is National Frozen Food Month
March is National Peanut Month
March 1 is National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover's Day
March 5 is Multiple Personalities Day
March 8 is Be Nasty Day
March 9 is Panic Day
March 11 is Johnny Appleseed Day and Worship of Tools Day
March 15 is Everything You Think Is Wrong Day
March 16 is Everything You Do Is Right Day
March 18 is Supreme Sacrifice Day
March 20 is Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions Day
March 22 is National Goof-off Day
March 24 is National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
March 27 is National "Joe" Day
March 28 is Something On A Stick Day
March 30 is I Am In Control Day
March 31 is Bunsen Burner Day and National Clams On The Half Shell Day
Just in case you work with people who are TC (technologically challenged), the following excerpt from the Wall Street Journal condition.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, and then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see"the printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show?
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has a '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that flatulence is funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs can't talk.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM HOUSTON IF...
[Thanks to Twila and Ed, the SAP
... oops, guess that should be SAP Administrator]
You're on your way to work one February morning and suddenly you're trapped in a traffic jam caused by a chuck wagon and fifty horses with riders and you look around to see that everybody in the cars around you are wearing cowboy hats.
The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes.
If you want to be a snob about your grocery shopping, you can go to a Randall's Flagship, a Kroger Signature, a Rice Epicurean, or soon, an HEB Central Market to buy bread and milk (but you have to dress up, and your dog and cat are out of luck if you go to the latter nothing as mundane as pet food there).
You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees.
You have a Roach Story:
You opened your flatware drawer to find a roach the size of the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He stood up and looked you in the eye. You closed the drawer, bought new flatware and stored it in the oven. Or your friend has a Roach Story about a dive bomber who crashed her formal dinner party, made several passes at guests whose heads were
bobbing like little dogs in car windows, and finally landed in somebody's soup.
When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you don't think he's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes; you know that he just stepped in a fire ant bed.
You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of the World.
You come to work in short sleeves and walk out at noon to find that a "blue-tailed norther" has blown through and the temperature has dropped 40 degrees in a matter of minutes.
Your neighbor's Christmas yard decorations look like a re-creation of the gunfight at the OK Corral, complete with a ten-foot tree decorated with boots and cowboy hats, and a Santa Claus who looks a lot like Wyatt Earp.
You wander into a section of town where you can't read the street signs because they're written in Asian characters instead of English, but you don't care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise there.
You go to an art festival on Westheimer and you're almost run down by two hand-holding cross dressers on roller blades.
You hear everything but English spoken when you go to the Galleria to window shop. (You can't afford to buy because the prices are jacked up for all the foreign tourists.)
Society matrons of "a certain age" still sport big hair and faces that have gone east, west, and north rather than south.
You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits. (During rush hour, you haven't left your NEIGHBORHOOD.)
You've never seen I-45 in any condition other than under construction and you've lived here for 20-30 years.
If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a GOOD hair day.
A 747 with the Space Shuttle riding piggyback has actually flown low right overhead, and nobody paid any attention to it.
You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac" has amassed more than the U.S. treasury.
You're happy to have beaten Los Angeles out of a football team, but you'd rather they keep the title of "Smog Capital."
You see nothing unusual about an eighty-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white pompadour toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams,"MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, EYE-witness news" into a television camera every night.
You don't have to leave town to find some of the best medical care, best restaurants, best sports teams (sometimes), or best people in the world.
NEW WORDS TO AN OLD DYLAN SONG
How many roads must a man drive down
Before he admits he is lost
Why when a man becomes married is he
unable to find his own socks
How many times will it take 'til he knows
he has seen the Three Stooges enough
The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend
The answer, I cannot comprehend
How many shows can a man surf through
before the remote burns out
Why does he think that an intimate gift
is a Dustbuster Plus for the house
How many sounds can a man's body make
before he sleeps on the couch
The answer my friend, is take two aspirin
The answer is take two aspirin
Why when we go for a romantic drive
do we wind up at Home Depot again
How many nights will he leave the seat up
so I land on cold porcelain
How men really feel is mystery to me
and probably a mystery to them
The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin
The answer is driving me to gin
[Thanks to Ilmar Ilmar Saar's Mastery Domain]
This is the job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's:
Not yet. Still looking.
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place, would I?
$185,000 a year plus stock options. If that's not possible, make an offer (any offer) and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD:
A target for middle management hostility.
Yes, but it doesn't seem to be paying off.
Way less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION:
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, with a half-hour break around 2:00 p.m.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment and I don't like to get caught doing them at work.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job, no; on my breaks, yes; substance I rather not say.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Who am I kidding, I'd like to be doing that right now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
[Thanks again to John]
12. Your resume lists your last three jobs as Defender of the Galaxy, Sidekick to Defender of the Galaxy, and Assistant Manager of Inter-Galactic 7-11.
THE TOP 12 SIGNS YOU READ TOO MANY COMIC BOOKS
11. You shout "Curses! Foiled again" when they forget the catsup at the drive-through.
10. You whack your boss over the head with a hammer and are surprised when his head doesn't pop back into shape.
9. Despite repeated attempts to stop speeding cars with your bare hands, neighbors still think you're just a suicidal lunatic.
8. Your compulsive self-narrative renders you too transparent for a career in real estate or car repair.
7. You're the only one wearing a cape at step aerobics.
6. "Holy 40-year-old virgin, Batman!"
5. Wife is getting tired of you introducing her as "My trusty sidekick."
4. Most of your sick days are due to "the effects of the earth's yellow sun."
3. Refusing to admit you're drunk, you vow revenge on the evil "Flaccidus" for your inability to "perform."
2. Your secret identity keeps drinking all the beer.
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Sign You Read Too Many Comic Books...
1. Your attempts at becoming "Danger Cloud" are proving hard on the underwear.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996, by Chris White
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning... OK... no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign... until he asked "So... is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."
[Thanks again to Brad]
The wife had had a hard day with the kids, her husband came home in a foul mood, and not much was said at all during a dinner which no one seemed to like.
MORE TALES OF MARITAL BLISS...
After the kids were bathed and bedded, she took a long, leisurely bath and crawled into bed, only to have an unwashed, slightly drunken husband come into the bedroom, rip off his clothes, climb into bed and plops on top of her.
"Get off of me, will ya?!?"
"Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?"
"No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. How in the hell did you ever imagine you could hurt me with THAT!?"
A man makes a suggestion to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?"
His wife responds with, "yes, I would really like that. Tonight, you stand by the ironing board and I'll lay on the couch and watch TV."
This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions. A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession: "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."
"That is your sin?"
"You are forgiven. Go out and say one 'Our Father'."
The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is very popular with his male parishioners...
"Those are your sins?"
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels down. "Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins, I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months."
This time, the priest has to ask, "Who is this Nookie Green?"
"Just a woman I know, Father."
"Very well-you are forgiven. Go out and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is . . .
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees spread wide apart apart.
The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy, "Pssssst.. . . Is that Nookie Green?"
The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
[Thanks again to Brad]
WHAT THEY SAID:
WHAT THEY SAID... AND WHAT THEY MEANT
"Please pardon the email intrusion. We are not on the Internet to burden you with unsolicited advertising, and if we offended you in any way we do sincerely apologize. To removed from our list please email us back with "Remove" in the subject heading."
Unsolicited SPAM e-mail.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
Please pardon the email intrusion. We are on the Internet to burden you with unsolicited advertising commonly known as SPAM. We don't give damn about you or how much SPAM you receive daily. Don't try e-mailing us back with "Remove" in the subject heading as it will only be returned as undeliverable with permanent fatal errors. Expect more SPAM as we have listed your e-mail address as someone who enjoys being annoyed.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"To see after all that time these wide open spaces and fences torn down and inconsequential barriers suggest the Clinton-Gore administration doesn't give a hoot about the sovereignty of this nation and protecting its borders against what is a wholesale invasion of America."
Reform Party presidential candidate Pat Buchanan on the Arizona-Mexico border after he walked through a hole in a fence.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
The fatherland needs a Berlin type wall.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"We should invite that man, the father of that boy, to the United States, say, 'Bring your whole family here and bring the boy's grandmother here and come and make the case in freedom that you want him back'."
Reform Party presidential candidate Pat Buchanan on the immigration controversy over 6-year-old Cuban Elian Gonzalez.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
We should bring all the Cubans here, it's the Mexicans I don't want in America.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"The final decision would be made by Meghan with our advice and counsel."
Republican presidential candidate John McCain, answering what he would do if his 15-year-old daughter Meghan became pregnant and wanted an abortion.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
It would be Meghan's choice, although I am against choice for other women. For my family choice is okay.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"I think the Clinton administration spends money everyday, it seems like,...If you look at the newspapers and look at the programs, there is always another program, another initiative."
Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush on the Clinton Administration.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
If I'm elected president I won't spend any money on any programs or any initiatives. I promise you that.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"I'd had Gatorade, orange soda and I went to cream soda...Who knew that cream soda had caffeine in it?"
Democratic presidential candidate Bill Bradley, blaming his recent bouts of irregular heart beats on caffeine.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
I did not know that I could look on the can and read the ingredients and that it would tell me if there was caffeine in it.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"To those Washington politicians and establishment-types who wish I'd disappear, good luck. We're in it to stay."
Republican presidential candidate Steve Forbes.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
I have more than enough money to go the distance and I will spend every bit of my inheritance to win the nomination.
WHAT THEY SAID:
"I think it's a Washington mindset that says I'll lay something out and then if it takes on a little water, I'll amend it and keep amending it, ...I believe that someone running for president must lay out a plan that he is willing to defend from the minute it's laid out."
Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush commenting on rival John McCain's changing tax plan.
WHAT THEY MEANT:
No matter how bad my plan is I'll stick with it.
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
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