T H E W E E K L Y R I O T
March 10, 2000
Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if he or she were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do so with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
"Veni, Vidi, Velcro" I came, I saw, I stuck around
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun. Clay Center Wisdom
So a dyslexic walks into a bra...
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
If Leonardo DiCaprio's character had been involved with a blow-up doll instead of a first-class passenger, he could have been alive today. Ron Greer
Why do fools fall in love? To reproduce and outnumber us. Michelle Argabrite
RELIGION: Believers say the image of Jesus Christ has appeared on the wall of a church in northern England, claiming that His eyes, nose, mouth and crown of thorns can be clearly seen
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
[The image is scheduled to remain in England for another week, at which point it must fly to Mexico to appear in a tortilla ]
SOCIOLOGY: In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the U.S. were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.
[While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.]
PSYCHOLOGY: The March issue of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity claims that 200,000 Internet users are addicted to porn sites, X-rated chat rooms or other sexual materials online
[They aren't addicted the computers just take forever downloading the JPEGs I mean, yeah, addicted that's terrible...]
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
George W. Bush was the top pick in a new presidential poll of school kids conducted by Scholastic.
[The kids are smart they figured he would help the curve.]
An armored car dropped about 400,000 pennies on a highway in Washington state Friday.
[It was on its way to deliver gravel for Bill Gates' maintenance driveway.]
A group that wants the South to secede from the union staged a Confederate flag-waving rally Saturday.
[Now that I've actually *listened* to what these people are saying, I think I speak for everyone when I say ... "Don't let the screen door hit you!"]
In Oregon, a video how-to guide to suicide for the terminally ill was shown on a public-access cable station.
[In my hometown, just watching *any show* on public-access cable television is enough to make you want to commit suicide.]
According to Reuters, a village dispute in Papua New Guinea ended with a man tearing out the eyes, testicles and heart of another and eating them, police said on Tuesday.
[That, my friends at CNN, is how to spice up the ratings on "Crossfire."]
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
BENT STATISTIC: If you are divorced man you are four times more likely to die in an accident than if you are married.
[It's because if you're a single man and aren't constantly reminded to "Be careful, Honey," you'll fall off the ladder every time...]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16 last, at approximately 11:45 PM, in the locale known generally as 'Lover's Lane', did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.
"Oh no," she replied, "I'm pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Jaguars."
SO YOU THINK GASOLINE IS REALLY EXPENSIVE?
1. Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon
2. Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon
3. Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon
4. Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice 16oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon
5. Pint of milk 16oz for $1.59 = $12.72 per gallon
6. STP Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon
7. Vick's Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon
8. Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon
9. Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 = $25.42 per gallon
10. Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 = $84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER......
11. Evian water 9oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon ..... $21.19 = FOR FREAKIN' WATER!!
So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil, or Scope, or Whiteout!!!
[Thanks to Fred, the God of Golf]
MARTIANS vs. VENUSIANS THE NEVERENDING SAGA
A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words "sex" and "love".
The woman wrote: "When two people love each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable for them to engage in sex."
And Bob wrote: "I love sex."
Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 min. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes. Since the average length of a penis is 6 inches the average girl receives 216 inches or 18 feet per intercourse. The average girl does it about three times a week, 52 weeks annually. 156 x 18 feet makes 2808 feet or just over a half of a mile.
MARTIANS AND VENUSIANS IN THE NEWS
This week, the Journal of the American Medical Association (AMA) published the findings of a large survey regarding sexual issues. The survey was claimed to be "the largest in 50 years, since the Kinsey report in 1948." Not surprisingly, it found that many people suffer from at least one sexual disorder. But here's a few findings that your local news might have skipped:
Among the men who said that they don't like to GIVE oral sex to a woman: 75% said that they "don't like fish". 15% said that it's "okay in theory" but they were just "tired at the moment". 10% reported prior (negative) experiences with runaway pubic hairs.
Among the men who said that they don't like to GET oral sex from a woman: 10% said that they prefer to get it from a man. 90% misunderstood the question, and changed their answer after seeing a demonstration.
When asked if he ever viewed pornographic materials on his computer, one respondent said: "Well,... if you don't count newsgroups, websites, e-mail, chatrooms, IRC, FTP, gopher, AVI's, MPG's, MOV's, JPG's, BMP's or GIF's,.... then NO!"
During the physical examinations, the survey concluded that: Men with hairy backs DO have higher testosterone levels. Bald men ARE hornier than normal. Bald men with hairy backs are sexual dynamos!
Among the respondents that were rated as "sexually healthy:" 25% were high school students 65% were college students 10% were senior citizens
In the 1948 Kinsey Report, 4/5 of the respondents reported that their first sexual experience was in the back seat of a car. In the 1999 AMA Report, 4/5 of the respondents reported that their first sexual experience was in the front seat of a car. "You've come a long way, baby!"
Compilation of the survey's answers reaffirmed the downward sloping "sex curve" which means that: IF you're over 24 years old
OR you're married
OR you have children
AND you don't think that you had enough sex last year,
THEN Too Damn Bad!!! It gets worse!!!
MALE AND FEMALE PRIME DIRECTIVES
THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES: (Only women know theirs!)
On car trips with the family, never ask for directions. You are the leader and everyone is relying on you to lead. You mustn't lose face by letting those who rely on you suspect anything. On a drive from Sydney to Melbourne, hold the families attention until you have passed right through Adelaide.
It's okay to stop and ask for directions when you're driving with another guy because he won't sit patiently by as you pass the same "Hungry Jacks' " for the third time.
Inch forward at stoplights to stay up with the other blokes on either side of your car. Don't let them get the drop on you you've seen the Australian Grand Prix!
Never let anyone think you don't know anything about your car's mechanics... even if you don't know what a dipstick is. If you're at a loss for conversation with a mechanic at any time, just try anything... like "maybe the exhaust is exhausted".
A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to work out a simple matter like programming his new VCR... but to cook something as simple as potatoes, a bloke will follow the recipe like a nuclear chemist.
Don't confess that you know little, and couldn't care less, about a particular sport, especially if it's during the end of year finals and those around you are excitedly talking about it. Join in like one of the boys you are and try to hold the floor as long as you can just like your mates do.
Never admit you don't understand an issue that's raised. Opinions are like whiskers... you're just a kid if you don't have lots of them.
You mustn't peek at the TV guide if there's a remote control within reach. Just dive bomb your way through all of the 99 or so channels available, regularly stopping along the way to peruse anything interesting and especially any commercials you may not have seen before.
Next time you spill something on the floor, mop it up with a thick absorbent bath towel. And as its obviously not manly to get down, use your foot to manipulate the towel in large circular motions till the mess is mopped up or suitably spread. Dice the towel for safety sake.
Never give your mates compliments. Its far more the "man" thing to say something like, "Scored four goals eh... couldn't make it five?" or "How was the lobotomy?" When happy to see your mate greet him by saying, "How are you going you old bastard" or "Bloody hell, are you following me around or something?" These little phrases will help cement the male friendship without appearing sissy to either party.
If another male says something to you that you don't really completely understand, never ask him what he meant as this will make you appear stupid. Beat his brains in first and when he is unconscious, ask him again, so you can then say he was ignorant as well.
Never reveal anything about your true rate of sexual activity to another guy, unless he's a doctor and even then, only if your life depends on it.
A man has to be "more" in every way than his girlfriend is. He must earn more, be taller, smarter, stronger and most important of all uglier! He must be able to beat her at ping pong, snakes and ladders, billiards and football. If she presses her ability to beat him at boxing, they will have no future together.
If there are more than two urinals in a rest room and one is being used, proceed to the farthest available urinal at all times, remembering these are all strangers and don't want to afford them any chance of inadequate feelings.
Anytime you're in the men's room by yourself, you needn't wash your before you leave. But if anyone else is there, scrub your hands like you were preparing to do surgery.
If you can't take "it", you're not a man (whatever "it" might be). If you're worried of heights you'd better be ready to be scared shitless without batting an eyelid, if your mates want to go skydiving. They'll never let you forget it if you chicken out.
You must deny yourself the acknowledgment of pain and all of the accompanying sound effects like moaning or screaming especially. Cuts requiring stitches may only be referred to as "a scratch" and broken bones said to "slow me down a bit." Sound effects while throwing up are permitted.
Never openly display or discuss a broken heart with mates. Keep this between yourself, your six pack (or "slab" depending on the dose required), your Bob Marley records and your "onion" affected eyes.
Don't tell another bloke your innermost feelings or secrets. You may have noticed that your suit of "male armour" not only locks pain in, but allows uncontrolled laughter at any fool who takes his off for a moment.
If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up your Fosters or Fourex with the boys. Pull on your Nikes (or thongs) and pound the pavement with gay but fruitless abandon, a heart attack always draws attention from your obesity.
All men are au fait (born familiar!) with guns. Just hand an automatic FN high-tech army rifle to naive university professor or a bloke who have never held on before and observe how they competently look down the sights, click the trigger and generally appear like they disassemble and assemble the damned thing in quick time. It must be there in man's genes I guess!
At the start of the football season, go shopping with your wife or girlfriend as much as possible. This will serve two purposes: First, you will be on hand to give as much negative advice when asked (to save yourself money) and secondly, keeping up with the little lady will increase your fitness more than any football practice session will. But note: Don't be disappointed if at first you cant keep up with her.
THE FEMALE PRIME DIRECTIVES: = (Don't ask me!)
THE TOP 16 DATING TIPS OMITTED FROM "THE RULES"
16. Accessorize your wardrobe with meat or cheese.
15. Show him your family is important to you by taking him to visit your mom in prison.
14. Never fake an orgasm before actually having sex.
13. Remember the motel room number, on the off chance he later gets elected president.
12. Stare at his crotch and laugh. Guys dig that.
11. Don't forget to ask if he has a better-looking, wealthier brother.
10. Don't talk to a man first. Plenty of time for that after busting the bedsprings.
9. Avoid snorting milk through your nostrils until after the second date.
8. Struck by an original thought? Isolate it and annihilate it!
7. For an unforgettable first date, let him watch as you bleach your upper lip.
6. Always refuse to ride in the trunk, even in a Jaguar.
5. Surprise him by shaving his name into your leg hair.
4. Tell him you're bisexual... his predictable fantasy of wanting to see you with another woman will keep him attentive for the next few years.
3. Always leave something on your plate, even if you have to bring it back up.
2. Always remember: "No diamond, No hymen!"
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Dating Tip Omitted from "The Rules"...
1. If he shows up for the first date in his Starfleet uniform, pepper-spray him.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996, 2000 by Chris White
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with
both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon'."
15. Ultra Power Purge: The ability to launch previous meal with superhuman force.
THE TOP 15 SUPER POWERS OF SUPERMODELS
14. Can slip arms between window and weather-stripping of locked car doors.
13. Anti-gravity breasts eliminate need for assistance from WonderBra.
12. CerebraVacusation: Ability to suck the intelligence out of any room.
11. AnnaVi$ion: The ability to spot an elderly millionaire from miles away.
10. The ability to get a table in exclusive restaurants, unbound by space and time.
9. Schifferama: Ability to withstand SuperDorkiness (David Copperfield, Rick Ocasek, etc.)
8. Super Turbo PowerPout of Death
7. The ability to define Gestalt psychology as affirming that the response of an organism is a complete and unanalyzable whole rather than a sum of the responses to specific elements of the situation.
6. Multicoverisity: Can appear in several locations at once even in the same Supermarket!
5. Power of heaving breasts exceeded only by power of heaving meals.
4. Can crack sophisticated spy code using only a Clinique skin-type computer and a tube of Maybelline Dial-a-Lash mascara.
3. Waif-Power: Ability to toss hair all day long on the energy of two lettuce leaves and a Fresca.
2. Cold response to pickup line can actually wither a man's privates.
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Super Power of Supermodels...
1. Can employ entire pre-teen population of Guatemala with a single K-Mart clothing line.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996, by Chris White
SCIENCE TEST RESULTS
The following are all quotes from 11 year olds' exams:
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
The moon is a planet just like earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
THE PREREQUISITES TO BEING A MODERN LIBERAL DEMOCRAT AND A MODERN CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN
NOTE: The prerequisites for being a model liberal Democrat are listed first, followed afterwards (with the same number) by the prerequisites for being a modern conservative Republican
1) You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.
1) You have to believe that if God wanted a disease to be cured, he would cure it.
2) You have to be against capital punishment, but for abortion on demand, in short you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.
2) You have to be against funding medical care for indigents, but in favor of purchasing an unlimited supply of drugs for lethal injection.
3) You have to believe that the same public school teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3) You have to want the government out of your board room, but in your neighbor's bedroom.
4) You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.
4) You have to believe that the police and prosecutors always operate in the people's best interest and never deliberately make mistakes.
5) You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.
5) You have to believe that a group of drunken yahoos in Texas with shotguns in their pickups constitutes a well regulated militia necessary to the security of a free state.
6) You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the Sun, and more affected by SUVs.
6) You have to deny adequate funding for roads and highways so that everyone is forced to buy an SUV.
7) You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.
7) You probably have a close gay relative.
8) You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
8) You have to believe that businesses work selflessly in the best interests of the consumers and are fully capable of self-regulation.
9) You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but animal rights activists who've never been outside Seattle do.
9) You have to believe that a private 5000 acre game reserve is an adequate substitute for a national park system.
10) You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
10) You have to believe that your self esteem should be directly proportional to the size of your stock portfolio.
11) You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.
11) You have to believe that anything worthy of being called art was created before 1800.
12) You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12) You have to believe that corrupt politicians, not business and religious interests, start wars.
13) You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.
13) You have to watch enough TV to make this kind of statement.
14) You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.
14) You have to believe that Charlton Heston knows what a militia is.
15) You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.
15) You have to believe that banks are in danger of going under and are only being saved by increasing customer service fees.
16) You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
16) You have to believe that everything you need to know was written before 1790.
17) You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
17) You have to support competency tests for public school teachers but not for private school teachers.
18) You have to believe that second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.
18) You have to believe that HIV is deadlier than lung cancer.
19) You have to believe Hilary Clinton is really a lady and Rosie O'Donnell is not really a man.
19) You have to believe that George W. Bush earned his money and that Clarence Thomas is not really white.
20) You have to believe that conservatives are racists, but that black people couldn't make it without your help.
20) You have to believe that the only reason you don't have black friends is that you just don't happen to travel in the same circles.
21) You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
21) You have to believe that the only reason the Contract with America hasn't worked is because the white people haven't been in charge.
ADDITIONAL PREREQUISITES TO BE CONSIDERED A "COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATIVE":
22) You have to have sought and received forgiveness for your past cocaine use, but fill your prisons with crack addicts.
3) You have to be willing to let a condemned prisoner have an extra helping of fries before poisoning him.
24) You have to have lent a homeless mother your mink coat for an hour during the winter.
25) You have to believe that society is color-blind except when it comes time to bring out the conservative vote.
26) When you pass a soup kitchen, you shout, "Let them drink latte!"
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page
and to Sam, who strangely enough only sent me the list of prerequisites for Democrats...]
THE GAY COWBOY
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well.
Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same."
The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher's wife had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him.
One o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry.
At two-thirty in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her. "Now I'm the boss," she said, "and you have to do what I tell you, right?"
"Well. . . yes," he answered.
"Then unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. He did as she asked.
"Now take off my boots." He did.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again he did as she asked.
"Now take off my panties." And again he did what she told him.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't ever wear my clothes to town again."
[Thanks again to John]
GULLIBILITY VIRUS SPREADING OVER THE INTERNET!!!
Forward this message to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points!!! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.)
WASHINGTON, D.C. The Institute for the Investigation of irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their Inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to E-mail viruses, get-rich-quick schemes, and conspiracy theories. "These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner."
However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet. "My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous."
Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:
The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking
The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others
A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true
T.C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T.C. said he would stop reading e-mail, so that he would not become infected.
President Clinton has been advised by the National Health Council. He has had an emergency session with former presidents Bush, Reagan, Carter, Ford, and Lincoln. All agreed he should not quarantine the country. This is not being reported in the major news media to avoid panic. Anyone with symptoms is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community. Many companies have internal support groups to help employees minimize the impact of this terrible virus.
Previous Issue Next Issue
Return to The WEEKLY RIOT Archives
Subscribe to The WEEKLY RIOT
Return to The Goddess
| Star Goddess | Photos | Soul Mates | Humor | Quotes | Current Affairs | Passionate Poetry | Postcards | Horoscopes | INFP | Links |