T H E    W E E K L Y    R I O T
March 17, 2000

When written in Chinese, the word "crisis" is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.

— John F. Kennedy

(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)

Q: What do you call 100 lesbians with automatic weapons?
A: Militia Etheridge.

Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. — Groucho Marx


Copyright © 2000, Chris White

To demonstrate my superior intellect, I have decided to join Menses. — Jonathan Struhs

I sometimes wonder what's better: to give 100% effort and risk failure or not to try at all. Then I think, "Who cares, I still get paid over $30,000 a year to surf Internet porn and shoot rubber-bands at my coworkers!" — Dale Brown

When I was a teenager, Mom said I'd go blind if I didn't quit doing *that*. Maybe she was right — since the invention of Internet porn, computer monitors keep getting bigger and bigger. — Bill Ervin

The reason "dieting makes you fat" is because it takes a whole pound of Godivas and a quart of milk to wash the taste of a single Slim-Fast drink out of your mouth. — Michelle Argabrite

Isn't it wonderful to live in a country where anyone can grow up to sleep with the President? — Kevin Freels


There's a new toy on the market called the Billy doll. It's being advertised as the first openly gay doll for sale in America. And the doll is anatomically correct.
[Boy, that's gotta be driving Barbie nuts, don't ya think? Finally a male doll with something "down there," and he turns out to be gay...]

According to the tabloids, Regis Philbin has tried to seduce members of his audience. Once he sat in a woman's lap, kissed her on the lips, and whispered "Meet me in my dressing room in five minutes." He told another woman "he'd like to make me into a dessert, a banana split, and cover me with strawberries and whipped cream and eat me up..."
["When Hell freezes over? Is that your final answer...?"]

In Los Angeles, the lawyer for accused madam Jody "Babydoll" Gibson, who catered to Hollywood's rich and famous, said he would name the men who allegedly paid for her services because prosecutors were refusing to. "Babydoll" is being tried on nine counts of pimping and pandering, and her lawyer believes prosecutors are operating a double standard by keeping the names secret…
[Women selling themselves to rich and powerful men? Sounds like a new show on Fox…]

Horror writer Stephen King is making his latest work available exclusively through the Internet. The 66-page ghost story, titled "Riding the Bullet," will be available as an "e-book," which buyers can download to their computer for $2.50…
[Now comes the real horror — trying to download a novel on AOL...]

Despite the refusal of nine NBC affiliates to run the show, the network's controversial cartoon "God, the Devil and Bob" scored high ratings in a special Thursday preview...
[If people in those cities want to watch a funny show dealing with God they'll just have to laugh at Pat Robertson instead...]

CBS flew the 16 finalists of their "Survivor" adventure show to a deserted island on Monday for the start of their summer reality series. The network released photos, occupations and first names of the contestants, but withheld all last names as they want the winner of the show's $1 million prize to
remain a secret...
[Hey, a year on a desert island beats marrying Rick Rockwell...]


—== BENT NEWS ==—

Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail

BENT SURVEY (YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS): Percentage of American dog owners who say they'd ditch their mate for their dog if they were forced to choose between the two? 41%. Percentage of dog owners who said that if they had an extra $20 they'd spend it on their dog before their spouse? 48% (Survey by USA Network).



Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg

Laura Schlessinger has issued an apology for her choice of words in the ongoing crusade against homosexuality.
[Schlessinger is a well-known porno model who now has a radio talk show.]

A tiled pathway leading to the Mahatma Gandhi memorial in New Delhi, India, is being scrubbed clean, leveled and polished for President Clinton's visit.
[Attention, people of India — forget your monuments: PROTECT YOUR WOMEN!]

A new program called Interest on Lawyers' Trust Accounts enables lawyers to put money they are holding on behalf of clients for later distribution, into interest-bearing
accounts to help indigent and low-income people.
[Under the current system, all the money goes to buy titanium shaft drivers.]

A new study by the Automobile Club of Southern California finds that the higher speed limits set in California during the mid-1990s did not increase the rate of fatal and injury
traffic crashes.
[Officials indicated one reason for the low injury number is the disproportionate number of breast implants in L.A., resulting in a self-contained airbag of sorts.]

"Mission to Mars" rocketed to the top of the box office in its opening weekend with $23.1 million in ticket sales.
[It's the most-watched saga about space cadets, with the Republican presidential primaries finishing a close second.]


A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator. On the third floor a man enters, and he is absolutely perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff.

The man gets off on the 5th floor. Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page]


German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own
scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber net.

Irish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters underground, but found absolutely
nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.


Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."


Nature has many laws that hold fast and true.

For example, a baby ape will always grow up to be an ape; likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon.

A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig.

A baby jackass will always become a jackass.

Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow up to be any one of these.


Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"


Here's a list of newspaper headlines that got by the copy editors:

• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
• Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
• Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
• Farmer Bill Dies in House
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
• Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
• Stud Tires Out
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
• Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
• British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
• Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
• Eye Drops off Shelf
• Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
• Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
• Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
• Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
• Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• Stolen Painting Found by Tree
• Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
• Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
• Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
• Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
• Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
• British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
• Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
• Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
• New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
• Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
• Steals Clock, Faces Time
• Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
• Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
• Include your Children when Baking Cookies


Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.


11. Instead of flying appliances, your screen saver shows horned demons torturing your immediate family.

10. The monitor spins and spews pea soup when you access the Vatican website.

9. Bill Gates Screen Saver eyes follow your every move.

8. Keeps throwing priests out of Windows.

7. Hard disk crashes every time Pat Robertson e-mails you.

6. Green slime oozing out of keyboard again and your kid hasn't used it in weeks.

5. Tech support crew brings Norton Utilities and a crucifix.

4. The little logo on it says: "Satan Inside."

3. No matter what URL you type in, your browser opens up the www.hell.com web site.

2. Dr. Watson replaced by Dr. Kervorkian.

and the TopFive's Number 1 Sign Your Computer is Possessed...

1. Contrary to the startup screen, you're fairly certain Microsoft hasn't released Windows 666 yet.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White


• "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

• "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

• "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

• "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."

• "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?"

• "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

• "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

• "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

• "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

• "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

• "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

• "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

• "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

• "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

• "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

• "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits?"

• "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

• "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

• "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

• "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday — so we're having you put to sleep."

• "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)


15. "How about a little Puck?"

14. "Of course, 'Romeo and Gertrude' is just a working title. I might be persuaded to change it for you, M'Lady."

13. "Et tu, Cutie?"

12. "Shall I compare thee to a brick outhouse?"

11. "If I whispered in thine ear that thou hadst a body of beauty unknown but to the heavens, wouldst thou hold it against me?"

10. "Wouldst thou care to join me in forming the beast with two backs?"

9. "My heart, it pines, as my trousers tent."

8. "Without thine companionship, dear lady, I fearest I'd spend the evening with pen in hand, if thou knows what I mean."

7. "Hey, Baby, can Ophelia up?"

6. "Is this a dagger I see before me? Nay! I'm merely happy to cast eyes upon thy beauty!"

5. "Greetings to you, fair sailor."

4. "But soft, what light through yonder trousers breaks?"

3. "Wouldst thou away to yon Motel 6 with me?"

2. "O! Prithee sitteth upon my visage, and perchance to let me divine thy weight."

and TopFive.com's Number 1 Pick-Up Line Used by William Shakespeare...

1. "Do me, or not do me. THAT is the question."

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White


Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "PC, do your stuff." PC trotted over to a desktop PC, grabbed the mouse in his mouth and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Tax Break, do your stuff." Tax Break went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz. Without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the computer keyboard, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.


14. Beverly Hills Mop

13. Star Trek IX: It's Hair, Jim — But Not As We Know It

12. A Rug's Life

11. GalaxyNest!

10. Rocky the Flying Squirrel vs. Kirk the Balding Captain

9. Curl, Interrupted

8. Saving Private Rogaine

7. Pokemon II: Birth of Toupeechu

6. The Unbearable Lightness of Being Bald

5. Dome and Domer

4. Con Hair

3. Honey, I Shaved My Ass and Made a Hairpiece!

2. A Merkin'd Beauty

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Movie Starring William Shatner's Toupee...

1. The Hair Switch Project

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Dashboard suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.


16. Lap-based web browsing

15. Gettin' some air nookie

14. Wrangling the invertebrate serpent

13. Tango Con Mano

12. Jostling your Elder

11. Ruminating & Pondering

10. Shaking your fist at the ex-girlfriend

9. Releasing the hostages

8. Tickling your Elmo

7. Fixing the Hubble

6. Putting the seminal luge team through their paces

5. Carnal Tunnel Syndrome

4. Beta-testing the hardware

3. Downloading from your own website

2. Evicting the testicular squatters

and TopFive.com's Number 1 Euphemism for Masturbation...

1. Manually Increasing the Surface Temperature of the Ship's Primary Cannon by Repeated Linear Manipulation

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White


You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree". You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can
"concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the heck can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."

See above (same sign, different title)

Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your skills are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

[Thanks again to John]


15. Do What We Say and No One Gets Hurt!

14. 1997 Recipient of the Disgruntled Postal Worker Seal Of Approval

13. Today's NRA — Still Gun-Ho on America (and now 60% sane!)

12. Second Amendment, College Boy — Read It and Weep

11. Helping to Reduce the Surplus Population, One Innocent Bystander at a Time

10. Why Don't Y'all Go Bother the Knife People for a While, Huh?!

9. The NRA: Relieving Feelings of Inadequacy for 125 Years

8. Fer Chrissakes! Watch Where Yer Pointin' That Thing!

7. Every Waiting Period's Gotta End Sometime, You Pussy-Whipped Liberal Pantywaists

6. When You Absolutely, Positively Have to Kill Someone

5. The NRA: Buying Legislators Today So YOU Can Buy Automatic Weapons Tomorrow

4. Guns! The *Affordable* Phallic Substitute

3. A Couple Thousand Yokels in Pickup Trucks Can't Be Wrong

2. Uzi Does It!

and TopFive.com's Number 1 N.R.A. Slogan...

1. Who Do You Want to Shoot Today?

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White


One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job-a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

[Thanks again to John]


A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the
night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."


12. "Oh yeahhhhh, you found my GOP-Spot!"

11. Giggles and turns red whenever she hears the word "caucus."

10. Approaches perfect strangers and asks if they want to take his "exit poll."

9. She says your chances of having sex tonight have a plus or minus 5 percent margin for error, depending on "party member" turn-out.

8. Enjoys performing filibusters on you.

7. You keep finding pin-ups of Madeleine Albright in his sock drawer.

6. Constantly refers to your bedroom as the "poling place."

5. Her "Hey, Forbes — put a flat tax on *this*!" T-shirt.

4. She hands you results indicating that although 79% of her is in love with you, 43% percent of her is pissed that you leave your clothes on the floor.

3. AOL screen name is "ILuvGOPCokeMonkeys!"

2. Your web browser suddenly has a bookmark to "www.hotButteredGore.com."

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Indication Your Spouse is Turned On by Politics...

1. Screams during her orgasm, "Paid for by Friends of Bill Bradley!!!"

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White


There were two Indians and a Cowboy walking along together in the desert when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a steep hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the entrance, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" And, then listened very closely until he heard an answer... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Cowboy was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. "Was that Indian goofy or something?"

"No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, 'Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!' and get an answer back, that means she is in there waiting for you."

Well, just about that time the other Indian spotted another cave. He ran to the cave, stopped, hollered, then heard the reply: "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" off came his clothes and into the cave he went.

The Cowboy started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. Suddenly, he looked up and saw this great big cave. He was amazed at the size and thought, "Man! It's bigger than the caves those Indians found. There must be something special in this cave!"

Well, he darted up the hill at great speed with hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and yelled, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was thrilled when he heard the answering call of "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!" He quickly took off his clothes. With a happy face he raced into the cave.

The headlines in the next day's newspaper stated: "Naked Cowboy Run Over By A. Freight Train."

[Thanks to Fred, the God of Golf]

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