T H E W E E K L Y R I O T
March 24, 2000
Believe nothing because it is written in books.
Believe nothing because wise men say it is so.
Believe nothing because it is religious doctrine.
Believe it only because you yourself know it to be true.
— Buddha (c. 563-483 BC) [Siddharta Gautama]
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?
George W. Bush blamed the recent rise in gas prices on President Clinton, then said if he was president, he would repeal the gas tax and if necessary, go to war with Alaska and take all their oil. — from Saturday Night Live Update News
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?
I got a sweater for Christmas. I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Now there's a man with an open mind — you can feel the breeze from here! — Groucho Marx
Intimacy, n. — A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction. — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
I think deep down, all any man really wants is to be accepted. Especially by young, attractive models with plenty of money and an unquenchable desire for sex.
It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard. — Dorothy Parker, on an unwanted pregnancy
I knew I was an unwanted child when I saw my bath toys were a radio and a toaster. — Joan Rivers
—== RUMINATIONS ==—
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
If life gives you lemons, I say stick 'em down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger. — Jessica Fray & Meghan McGray
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
—== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==—
Atlanta Brave John Rocker received a standing ovation when he took the mound Tuesday for the first time since being suspended for making fun of minorities.
[Actually, it wasn't an ovation so much as it was the knuckles of his 'fans' scraping on the cement as they swung them back and forth and grunted.]
Utah Gov. Mike Leavitt was expected to sign a bill Friday that would give his state the first pornography czar in the nation.
[Did I miss something? Isn't Clarence Thomas the Pornography Czar?]
—== BIZARRE NEWS ==—
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
BIZARRE POLL: FIREMEN
Q: Fire fighting is an odd business. Which story is NOT true?
A: 8 firefighters were suspended in Chicago for paying $25 for oral sex while on duty. 220 votes (13%)
A: One firefighter received a medal for saving the life of a mannequin. 514 votes (30%)
A: Firefighters often let urban dwellings burn out from fear of being shot. 383 votes (22%)
A: Freud suggested that men have an almost uncontrollable urge to urinate on fires. 574 votes (33%)
Actually, all of the above are true (Freud, you gotta love him!). And in Chicago, a prostitute has come forward and said that she has been servicing fireman for 11 years and before that, her mother taught her the trade.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."
THE TOP 15 SIGNS SPRING BREAK HAS ARRIVED
15. Cars on Florida freeways reach speeds in excess of 17 mph.
14. Earth's rotation shifts slightly, as 80% of the world's beer converges on Florida.
13. State troopers all over the country stand in front of their mirrors, drawing their radar guns and saying, "Do you feel lucky, punk?"
12. George W. Bush goes from being vague about the issues at Bob Jones University to getting right to the point at the beach with some Notre Dame coeds.
11. Portable toilets replace technology stocks as the big gainer on the NASDAQ.
10. Residents of Ft. Lauderdale and Panama City start Scotch-Guarding everything, including pets.
9. The average age in Florida dips all the way down to 72.
8. Weatherman's latest forecast for South Padre Island? 95% chance of meaningless sex with random people.
7. Daylight Savings Time ends; Moonlight Puking Time begins.
6. Live from Lake Havasu City, MTV is proud to bring you "Undressed, Unconscious and Unprotected."
5. A naked Ted Kennedy causes a brief stir when confused tourists attempt to save the senator by pushing him back into the sea.
4. You get to see breasts without that pesky two drink minimum and constant tipping.
3. J.C. Penney holds its annual "Thong and Bong Sale."
2. White trash teenage crossdressing vampire nuns on Jerry Springer suddenly sporting bitchin' tans.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Spring Break Has Arrived...
1. You wake up behind a 7-11 in Daytona with a goat and a Barbie doll, reeking of marmalade — and your first thought is "Not again!!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous British pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance...
A 5 cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.
Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.
Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its
logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me anymore.'
72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.
Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality — no practical use for this drug has yet been found.
Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.
Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.
IF AOL BUILT CARS...
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-bye."
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Why did God create snakes just before lawyers?
THE TOP 16 SIGNS YOUR NEW CAR IS A LEMON
16. The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.
15. Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.
14. You realize too late that it *is* your father's Oldsmobile.
13. When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"
12. The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.
11. "Jaws of Life" in trunk.
10. Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.
9. Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.
8. Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
7. Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.
6. Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.
5. Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.
4. Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist
3. Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
2. Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Sign Your New Car is a Lemon...
1. Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca".
HOW TO BREAK UP BASED ON OCCUPATION
What To Say To Break Up With Someone Whose Occupation Is...
A(n)... [Say To Him/Her, "Our relationship has...]
armchair athlete without a job [been shut out 45 to 0."]
astronomer [been a black hole."]
banker/accountant [gone bankrupt."]
bartender [been on the rocks."]
boxer [been K.O.'d."]
bus driver [reached the end of the line."]
carpenter [had a sinking foundation."]
doctor [been malpracticed."]
economist [been in a ten year recession."]
electrician [been short circuited."]
engineer [been miscalculated."]
fireman [been burned to the ground."]
football player [been fumbled at the one yard line."]
geologist [been taken for granite."]
lawyer [been given the death penalty."]
mathematician [been taken to the limit."]
milkman [gone sour."]
miner [gone bust."]
opera star [reached its grand finale."]
personnel worker [been terminated."]
physicist [lacked harmonic motion."]
pilot [lost power in all its engines."]
policeman [copped out."]
politician [been impeached."]
programmer [been core dumped."]
race car driver [run its course."]
sailor [lost at sea."]
soldier [been wiped out."]
teacher [flunked out."]
truck driver [overturned on our highway of life."]
THE SCIENTIFIC QUIZ TO DETERMINE YOUR MALENESS QUOTIENT
How to Score:
- Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
- Present it to the president of the United States.
- Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
- Take it apart.
- As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
- Cherry bombs
- When is it okay to kiss another male?
- When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
- When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
- When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
- What about hugging another male?
- If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
- If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
- If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
- He is legally within the basepath,
- Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
- You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
- Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
- ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
- ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
- ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
- In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
- A cat
- A dog
- A dog that eats cats
- You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy — you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers — when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
- That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
- That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
- That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
- Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her — sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
- You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
- You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
- Tell her what?
- One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
- "Do they need to eat or anything?"
- "They're in school already?"
- "There are three of them?"
- When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
- When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
- When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
- It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody — and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife — is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
- What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
- He was being tested.
- He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
- He refused to ask directions.
- What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
- Organized Religion
- Remote control
Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c". A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
THE TOP 16 DATING TIPS OMITTED FROM "THE RULES"
16. Accessorize your wardrobe with meat or cheese.
15. Show him your family is important to you by taking him to visit your mom in prison.
14. Never fake an orgasm before actually having sex.
13. Remember the motel room number, on the off chance he later gets elected president.
12. Stare at his crotch and laugh. Guys dig that.
11. Don't forget to ask if he has a better-looking, wealthier brother.
10. Don't talk to a man first. Plenty of time for that after busting the bedsprings.
9. Avoid snorting milk through your nostrils until after the second date.
8. Struck by an original thought? Isolate it and annihilate it!
7. For an unforgettable first date, let him watch as you bleach your upper lip.
6. Always refuse to ride in the trunk, even in a Jaguar.
5. Surprise him by shaving his name into your leg hair.
4. Tell him you're bisexual... his predictable fantasy of wanting to see you with another woman will keep him attentive for the next few years.
3. Always leave something on your plate, even if you have to bring it back up.
2. Always remember: "No diamond, No hymen!"
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Dating Tip Omitted from "The Rules"...
1. If he shows up for the first date in his Starfleet uniform, pepper-spray him.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996, by Chris White
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE SEXES OBSERVED AT THE DRIVE-UP ATM MACHINE
1. Pull up to ATM.
2. Insert card.
3. Enter PIN number and account.
4. Take cash, card and receipt.
1. Pull up to ATM.
2. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
3. Shut off engine.
4. Put keys in purse.
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine.
6. Hunt for card in purse.
7. Insert card.
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.
9. Enter PIN number.
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number.
13. Hit "cancel."
14. Call husband/boyfriend to get correct PIN number.
15. Check balance.
16. Look for envelope.
17. Look in purse for pen.
18. Make out deposit slip.
19. Endorse checks.
20. Make deposit.
21. Study instructions.
22. Make cash withdrawal.
23. Get in car.
24. Check makeup.
25. Look for keys.
26. Start car.
27. Check makeup.
28. Start pulling away.
30. Back up to machine.
31. Get out of car.
32. Take card and receipt.
33. Get back in car.
34. Put card in wallet.
35. Put receipt in checkbook.
36. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook.
37. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook.
38. Check makeup.
39. Put car in gear, reverse.
40. Put car in drive.
41. Drive away from machine.
42. Travel 3 miles.
43. Release parking brake.
THE TOP 17 REJECTED SELF-HELP BOOKS
17. "Listening To Pez"
16. "Toilet Training Your Inner Child"
15. "The One-Step-Forward, Two-Steps-Back Program for the Chronically Indecisive"
14. "30 Days to Droopier Breasts"
13. "Losing Weight Slowly By Eating Less and Exercising"
12. "Drink Yourself Sober"
11. "Heart to Huh? Monosyllabic Communication with the Man in Your Life"
10. "The One-Minute Lover"
9. "So You're Going Blind, You Hairy-Palmed MonkeyBoy Baywatch Junkie?!"
8. "Thank Vishnu for Neurotic White Folks" by Deepak Chopra
7. "Polygamy — Rediscovering the Ancient Path to Manhood"
6. "I'm OK, You're Going to Hell" by Ralph Reed
5. "Old & Barren: Embracing Your Inner Spinster"
4. "Think Like a Supermodel!"
3. "Your Guardian Angel Knows the Winning Horses"
2. "Abs of Beer"
and the Number 1 Rejected Self-help Book...
1. "Salt-free Chicken Soup with Some Low-Fat Crackers and a Nice Tofu Salad for the Health-Conscious Soul"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White
MORE TALES OF MARITAL BLISS
For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunch box down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately says, "Leftovers again!"
EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN CORPORATE AMERICA
• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
• Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
• Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
• If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
• Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
THE TOP 12 THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM TECH SUPPORT
12. "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
11. "...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
10. "So — what are you wearing?"
9. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
8. "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
7. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
6. "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
5. "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
4. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
2. "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear From Tech Support...
1. "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White
As many of you know, through recent events, I am a single man, once again. Since my last few affairs of the heart have been flops (in much the same way as the Titanic was a little flop), I have decided that in the future I shall be screening all of my future dates with this highly scientific quiz. Enclosed is a quiz I shall hand out to any future dates. Also, I'm not bitter.
THE "I'M NOT BITTER" QUIZ
By Bart Schorsch
Instructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible. Bart will grade your responses and get back to you.
Please write a 300 word essay on the theme: "A Woman's Role In the Relationship: Helpmate or Saboteur"
- A woman's place is in the:
- House (or Senate)
- Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man's entrails out and
leave it as food for wild jackals
- When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing:
- "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
- "Material Girl"
- "I Touch Myself"
- Theme from "Psycho"
- The perfect Christmas gift is:
- Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear
- Flowers, a backrub, bubble bath, and a handwritten love sonnet
- Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVC
- Whips, knives and red-hot irons
- A woman's hairstyle should:
- Gently accentuate her best features
- Not resemble a poodle
- Hide the lobotomy scars
- Cover the little "666" on the back of the skull and not reveal the demon-horns
- My personal role-model is:
- Hillary Clinton
- Ruth Bader-Ginsberg
- Daisy Duke
- Lorena Bobbit
- When it comes to cars, I:
- Take good care of my car and change my oil regularly.
- [giggle] What's oil?
- Think fuzzy dice are _cool_!
- Want a Mercedes... NOW!
- If you man wants to date me, he must also like my:
- Pet rock
- I have a subscription to:
- Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal
- Analog and Rolling Stone
- National Enquirer and T.V. Guide
- Weekly Reader
- I want to have ___ children.
- Any number, as long as they are healthy
- My list of favorite authors include:
- William Shakespeare
- Maya Angelou
- Chairman Mao
- Marquis DeSade
- A romantic evening is best spent:
- Before a roaring fire
- Having a candlelit dinner
- Country line dancing
- I want to date a(n):
- Crew-chief at the local JiffyLube
- Anyone who owns a shoe store
- I really admire:
- My parents, for bringing me up right
- My teachers, for teaching me about life
- The makers of Velveeta
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
- What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your:
- Massive chest
- Tight buns
- Tattoo collection
- Credit cards
- What attracted me most to you (mentally) is/are your:
- Sparkling wit
- Open mind
- Deep understanding of power tools
- I really get turned on when you:
- Are with me
- Kiss my neck
- Imitate Beavis and Butt-Head
- Do the dishes
- I can't live without:
- The support of friends
- Entertainment Tonight
- If you were really depressed, I would:
- Listen to your problems
- Rub your back
- Get you drunk
- My favorite television programs are:
- NYPD Blue and Home Improvement
- MST3K, Roseanne, and Star Trek: TNG
- This Week In Monster Truck Racing and America's Most Wanted
- Lifestyles of the Cruel and Unusual
- My favorite pig out food is:
- Low-fat yogurt
- Haagen Dasz
- Gummi worms
- A man's still quivering heart
- A man should know where I keep my:
- House keys
- Erogenous zones
- Ear-wax remover
- I would rather die a slow painful death than:
- Betray a confidence
- Betray my country
- Miss "Wheel of Fortune"
- Spend one more minute with you
- The most hellish, vile place on Earth is:
- Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cable
- Your bedroom
- The one phrase I would love to hear is:
- "Congratulations, Madame President"
- "Ohmygod, that is the winning lottery ticket!"
- "Wow! I've never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!"
- "What we can't figure out is how the arsenic got in his food in the first place."
- If a man was to propose to me, I would:
- Call my mother
- Be pregnant
- Giggle uncontrollably
Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample.
By Bart Schorsch
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