T H E    W E E K L Y    R I O T
March 31, 2000

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced...
Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.

— Cherokee Proverb

(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. — Rita Rudner

My mother is Jewish, my father is Catholic. I was brought up Catholic, but with a Jewish mind. When I went to confession, I always brought a lawyer with me. Bless me, Father, for I have sinned... I think you know Mr. Cohen? — Bill Maher

I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend… — Rodney Dangerfield

I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up… — Rodney Dangerfield

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. — Redneck etiquette

If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the other chin.

I am ready to meet my maker, but whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. — Winston Churchill

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures. — Gov. George W. Bush


Copyright © 2000, Chris White

I'm not saying I'm habitually running late in the morning, but to save time, I've been forced to reduce my before work coffee ritual from "a trip to Starbucks" to "a pinch of Folger's between the cheek and gum". — Julie Hamlin

Whoever said that money can't buy friends obviously never brought donuts to the office. — Wendy Weiner Runge

If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to quit my job and spend all day checking out Internet porn. Actually, I already spend all day checking out Internet porn, but having to pretend like I'm working while I'm doing it is a real pain. — Bill Ervin

The best part about remaining friends with all of your ex-girlfriends is that when you die, they might get into a really nasty catfight at your funeral. — Bill Barnacle

I knew I had lost all interest in sex when I didn't think twice about taking the batteries out of my vibrator to replace the dead ones in the TV remote. — Julie Hamlin

If your wife ever asks, "Is that a twinkle I see in your eye tonight, dear?", it's not a good thing to answer, "No, it's probably just a piece of glitter from the dress that hooker was wearing." — Rolf Lundgren

Word to the wise: Women want men with flat stomachs and fat wallets. My sex life still hasn't recovered from getting it backwards. — Derek Cockram


ENTERTAINMENT: Jerry Hall has talked Mick Jagger into letting their 16-year-old daughter Elizabeth begin a modeling career. Hall, who started modeling at 14, sees nothing wrong with it, while Jagger has made every effort to keep her out of the fashion world…
[After all, fashion models can fall prey to sleazy, rich older men like... er...]

A British teenager who obtained the credit card number of Microsoft head Bill Gates has been arrested after an FBI probe into international computer hacking. Raphael Gray, 18, allegedly broke into eight banking websites and 23,000 computerized credit card accounts, one of which belonged to Gates…
[He should've just used Gate's card to BUY the United States, then he could've appointed himself FBI director and called off the investigation. Problem solved…]



Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg

The Food and Drug Administration approved the first mammography system that produces digital images for use in the United States.
[The FDA wishes to thank the Webmasters of www.bustynurses.com and www.cyberhooters.com for their unlikely assistance in this important development.]

According to foot expert Bob Schwartz, the average foot has increased by 1.5 shoe sizes in the last 25 years — and he predicts feet will keep getting bigger.
[This is not good news for the already overburdened mouth of John Rocker, and his descendants.]



Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.

LONDON, England — A medical journal, The Lancet, recently reported a rare condition of a case of "spontaneous multiple orgasms." It seems a 44-year-old woman would undergo multiple orgasms when doing routine household chores like laundry. The report continued to outline that extreme distress was caused to the woman due to the uncontrollable nature and intensity of the feeling. She was eventually treated with a medication normally used on epilepsy patients and she is now orgasm-free.
[And this condition is bad?]

BRISBANE, Australia — A recent party turned gruesome after a group of drunken Aussies decided to perform a makeshift operation on their drunken friend. The operation? You guessed it; a circumcision. They did not even use a knife, for one was not available so they used a broken beer bottle. The "patient" was so drunk he slept through the operation and was rushed to the hospital bleeding, but still passed out. The "friends" were charged with unlawful wounding.
[I wonder if this guy's friends were women.]


Josh was helping Cheryl, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Cheryl what it was for. She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Josh said, "I can see that, but why?" Cheryl replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page]


12. "...due to the theft of Billy Crystal, your host for tonight's ceremonies is Regis Philbin."

11. It may have looked good on Jennifer Lopez but it's not going to revive *your* career, Mr. Asner.

10. Special Lifetime Achievement Oscar given to the guy who first uttered the phrase "Let's do lunch."

9. All winners given option of taking home the statuette or Darva Conger.

8. To prevent a repeat of last year's near catastrophe, OSHA requires that Roberto Benigni be securely duct taped to his chair.

7. Jim Carrey, snubbed by the nominating committee, is only a Man of 990 Faces when the camera sweeps past him.

6. Annette Benning reveals that the father of her baby is actually Hillary Swank.

5. Mid-show, Michael Douglas dumps old hag Catherine Zeta Jones for that blonde chick from American Beauty.

4. Meryl Streep confessed that she stole the Oscar statutes so she could complete her backyard Oscar-army recreation of the battle of Gettysburg.

3. Haley Joel Osment freaks out upon seeing Calista Flockhart.

2. Those statuettes may look shiny, but no amount of scrubbing can eliminate "dumpster smell."

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Surprise at This Year's Academy Awards Show...

1. Thanks to Viagra, Jack Palance can now do *no-handed* push-ups.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White

by Rachel Stuart

• Married men prefer kissing a mouth that tastes like toothpaste.
• Single men prefer a mouth that tastes of liquor.
• By the time she's married, the average American woman will have kissed 79 men.
• Passionate kissing burns 6.4 calories a minute; a Hershey's kiss contains 25 calories.
• Husbands who kiss their wives before leaving home in the morning live five years longer than those who don't.
• The Romans were among the first to adopt and document the erotic kiss.
• The erotic kiss is the most widely practiced form of intimate behavior in the United States.
• More than 92 percent of American teenagers have engaged in erotic kissing.
• Affectionate kissing is found in over 90 percent of recorded cultures.
• One theory is that kissing arose from various gestures symbolizing the union of souls. For example, Indians believed that the exhaled breath was part of the soul. Therefore, kissing represented the intermingling of souls.


14. "Twice as many rides — all 40% slower!!"

13. The neighboring "Microsoft Theme Park" keeps trying to connect up its carriages to your cash register.

12. The really good rides you keep hearing about aren't accessible at all.

11. Your ticket is good for "500 free hours!" but the fine print reminds you that all free hours must be used today.

10. The sign outside the bigtop tent reads, "We're sorry, all circus are busy right now. Please come back later."

9. Ride attendants keep insisting they're busty young vixens despite the fact that they're all over 40, dirty, and male.

8. None of the rides work, but big color pictures make it easy to find your way around.

7. A spiffy new look to the roller coaster since last time you visited, but it's still just as rusty, squeaky and dangerous.

6. Even though you've paid your monthly entrance fee, you can't get into the park any time except between midnight and six a.m.

5. Ten million visitors a day, and all they want to do is ride the merry-go-round.

4. The entire park is run by monkeys chained to typewriters.

3. You're visitor number 1,267,866 in a park that only has room for 2350.

2. "We're sorry, but the 'Mr. Case's Obscenely Long Ride Line' ride is unavailable. Please try again soon."

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're at an AOL Theme Park...


The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White


• You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.

• You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.

• It is an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name.

• It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.

• On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up.

• If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park and many other activities without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for "maintaining the national forest without a permit".

Bizarre News
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.


• I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
• The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
• I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
• I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
• I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
• I will not throw up in the car.
• I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
• I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
• Kitty litter box crunchies are not food.
• I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
• The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
• I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.
• I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
• When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
• We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
• I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
• The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
• I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.


Hasbro has announced that it will start selling a JFK "G.I. Joe" action figure. The former president will be depicted as a Navy lieutenant from World War II based on his time aboard the PT 109. Other politicians were considered but later rejected. The following is a list of Rejected Political Action Figures.

Comes in military fatigues with broken arms and detachable shoulder to simulate torture.
Pull string and he says, "Screw you, gooks!"

Comes in Texas Air National Guard uniform with silver spoon. Cocaine sold separately.
Pull string and he says, "Party on the patio!"

Comes in military fatigues. No moving parts to simulate the real Al Gore.
Pull string and he says, "Where's Tipper?"

Comes in 60's protest clothes with picket sign.
Pull string and he says, "I feel your pain."

Comes in Chicago Cubs uniform.
Pull string and she says, "Down with Giuliani!"

Comes in military SS uniform.
Pull string and he says, "You lousy liberal!"

Wears blue dress with stain and trademark beret. Comes with bendable knees and rotating tongue.
Pull string and she says, "You taste good!"

Comes in basketball uniform.
Pull string and he says, "Real heroes wear shorts!"

Wearing the only uniform he has ever worn, a suit.
Pull his tie and he says, "Hillary Sucks!"

Comes eating a Big Mac and promoting his latest book.
Pull string and he has a massive coronary while saying, "Democrats lie!" and "Are you going to eat that?"

Anatomically correct. Put a Viagra pill in his mouth and he gets hard. Pencil optional.
Pull string and he says, "Bob Dole is ready for duty."

Squeeze him and he says, "Here's the deal!"
Pull string and his ears start flapping and he flies away. Batteries not included.

Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.


One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"

The dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."


Hot on the heels of the success of the show, "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire", welcome to "Who Wants to Marry a Software Engineer", Silicon Valley's newest game show.

Here's your contestant questionnaire ...

  1. What quality do you value most in your partner?
    1. A sense of humor.
    2. Emotional maturity.
    3. High bandwidth.

  2. When you get home at the end of the day, you like to:
    1. Turn on the Silicon Valley Business report, and eat dinner.
    2. Hook up to your ISP, and check out the hit count on your web page.
    3. Recharge your cell phone, laptop, and wireless modem, change
      batteries on your pager, and resynchronize your Palm Pilot and
      home computer.

  3. Your ideal partner is:
    1. Interesting and attractive.
    2. Emotionally mature and understanding.
    3. Extensible and polymorphic.

  4. In spiritually difficult times, you often turn to:
    1. Dilbert.
    2. Kernighan and Ritchie.
    3. comp.lang.c++

  5. If go over to your partner's place and think its a mess, you would:
    1. Complain to him/her, and tell them to tidy up.
    2. Call a maid service.
    3. make clean

  6. What kind of car would you like to buy next, and why?
    1. A BMW, because people will see that I am rich and successful.
    2. A Jeep, because it's youthful, rugged, and won't break down.
    3. A Honda, because the engine control computer can be hacked for more horsepower.

  7. If your partner comes home from work complaining bitterly about his boss, you will:
    1. Give him a hug, pour him a drink, and tell him you love him.
    2. Commiserate about how unfair managers can be.
    3. Forge the boss's e-mail address, and subscribe him to 17 pornography mailing lists.

  8. Name the 4 essential food groups:
    1. Fruit, vegetables, meat, dairy.
    2. Coffee, chocolate, takeout, ice cream.
    3. rec.food.cooking, rec.food.veg, ba.food, alt.food.chocolate

  9. You like to travel with your partner because:
    1. You share new experiences together.
    2. You learn about each other in different situations.
    3. You get more use out of your wireless modem.

  10. How would you describe your attitude towards religion?
    1. "I'm not particularly religious."
    2. "I believe in emacs, but can use vi."
    3. "I think emacs can be configured as a full IDE."

  11. You think a relationship is ready for a permanent commitment because:
    1. You've successfully struggled through several years of good and bad times.
    2. You're already living together, so you might as well tie the knot.
    3. You finally got your local network configured just right.

  12. If you and your partner got married, you would want to:
    1. Keep your last name.
    2. Change your last name.
    3. Combine your names with a hyphen.
    4. Combine your names with an underscore.

  13. You and your partner think it's time to have children when:
    1. Your stock options are vested.
    2. You've agreed on the requirements and design.
    3. You've come up with a good naming convention.
    4. You really understand the use of multiple inheritance

[Thanks again to John and his friend Brett]


A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it — you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."


A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short email back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the email ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the email and promptly fainted.

It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"


NOTE FROM CHRIS: A leading conservative candidate to succeed Pope John Paul II has warned that the Antichrist foreseen in the Book of Revelations is already among us. Cardinal Giacomo Biffi, 71, said that the modern Antichrist, identified in the Book of Revelations as a seven-headed beast, was most likely now disguised as a philanthropist supporting creeds like vegetarianism, animal rights or pacifism, or advocating dialogue with Orthodox or Anglican believers.

So how can you tell if the Antichrist is a vegetarian? Glad you asked...

10. His black shroud is really just a XXXL "Meat is Murder" T-shirt turned inside out.

9. Instead of roasting the flesh of infidels, the fires of Hell are now just used to roast marshmallows.

8. Mysteriously, a movement arises to replace communion wafers with body-free tofu-of-Christ.

7. Local organic gardens finding unprecedented crop yield when planted in a pentagram configuration.

6. He recoils at the sight of the cross of a T-bone.

5. Always bringing his crappy under-garlicked hummus to Microsoft company picnics.

4. Has started ordering his disciples to cut back on the goat sacrifices in favor of a vegan alternative.

3. Vanity license plate: BLZBROC

2. Have you *tasted* tofu, man? Is there any *doubt* that slop is the work of the Devil?

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign the Antichrist is a Vegetarian...

1. As we all know, the Antichrist of Revelations can only be destroyed by the power of pure, glorious Spam.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White


Paddy and Bridget had just got married. It was their wedding night in the bridal suite. Bridget was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky negligee whimpering, "Take me Paddy. Take me now!"

Paddy (having been a good Catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mum for advice. Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Bridget pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Bridget would love it.

Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridget if she was ready.

Bridget shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!"

Then she watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet.


A four-year-old boy had just come home from Hebrew School. His father asked him what he'd learned that day.

The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"

The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised" but the answer was still "Yes."


• While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

• Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

• On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

• The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

• Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

• Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

• The patient refused autopsy.

• The patient has no previous history of suicides.

• Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

• Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

• Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

• She is numb from her toes down.

• The skin was moist and dry.

• Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

• Patient was alert and unresponsive.

• Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

• The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

• Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

• Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

• Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

(Compiled by Jacob Weisberg)

"It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature.'' — Los Angeles, Feb. 23, 2000

"I don't have to accept their tenants. I was trying to convince those college students to accept my tenants. And I reject any labeling me because I happened to go to the university." — Today, Feb. 23, 2000

"I understand small business growth. I was one." — New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have-he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." — To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000

"Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I'm really pleased with the organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that worked on my behalf. And I'm very gracious and humbled." — To Cokie Roberts, This Week, Feb. 20, 2000

"I don't want to win? If that were the case why the heck am I on the bus 16 hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?" — Newsweek, Feb. 28, 2000

"I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists." — ibid.

"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign." — Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

"How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?" — Explaining the need for educational accountability in Beaufort, S.C., Feb.
16, 2000

"We ought to make the pie higher." — South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

"I do not agree with this notion that somehow if I go to try to attract votes and to lead people toward a better tomorrow somehow I get subscribed to some — some doctrine gets subscribed to me." — Meet The Press, Feb. 13, 2000

"I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less — I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm more interacting with people." — ibid

"I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth." — Nashua, N.H., as quoted by Gail Collins in the New York Times, Feb. 1, 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." — Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" — Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." — Speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H. As quoted in the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." — Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.'' — Quoted by Molly Ivins, the San Francisco Chronicle, Jan. 21, 2000

"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were," he said. "It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there." — Iowa Western Community College, Jan 21, 2000

"The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who will not stain the house." — Des Moines Register debate, Iowa, Jan. 15, 2000

"This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mental losses." — At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times, Jan. 14, 2000

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself." — ibid.

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" — Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"Gov. Bush will not stand for the subsidization of failure." — ibid.

"There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There needs to be town-hall meetings. There needs to be travel. This is a huge country." — Larry King Live, Dec. 16, 1999

"I read the newspaper." — In answer to a question about his reading habits, New Hampshire Republican Debate, Dec. 2, 1999

"I think it's important for those of us in a position of responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike. ... I believe we ought to say there is a different alternative than the culture that is proposed by people like Miss Wolf in society. ... And, you know, hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked." — Meet the Press, Nov. 21, 1999

"The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them." — From A Charge To Keep, by George W. Bush, published November 1999

"It is incredibly presumptive for somebody who has not yet earned his party's nomination to start speculating about vice presidents." — Keene, N.H., Oct. 22, 1999, quoted in the New Republic, Nov. 15, 1999

"The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?" — Answering a question about why he hasn't spent more time in New Hampshire, in the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999

"I don't remember debates. I don't think we spent a lot of time debating it. Maybe we did, but I don't remember." — On discussions of the Vietnam War when he was an undergraduate at Yale, Washington Post, July 27, 1999

"The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned firsthand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas." — To a Slovak journalist as quoted by Knight Ridder News Service, June 22, 1999. Bush's meeting was with Janez Drnovsek, the prime minister of *Slovenia*.

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