THE WEEKLY RIOT
April 7, 2000
The most wasted day of all is that on which we have not laughed.
Sebastien-Roch Nicholas Chamfort, French author (1741-1794)
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance. Ed Hector
If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already? Cynthia Heimel
My wife had a sex change... Now it's Wednesday's and Saturday's instead of Tuesday's and Friday's.
Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked 'petite' and hold on to the receipt.
All writing is essentially bricks of plagiarism secured in place by the mortar of original thinking. William Dukane
I once read a book about anti-gravity. I just couldn't put it down.
I realize that there are certain hardships that only females must endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. Also, females tend to reach emotional maturity very quickly, so that by age 7 they are no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud inadvertent public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue to derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80s. Dave Barry
== RUMINATIONS ==
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
Maybe we're all just part of God's "Sim Universe" video game. Let's just hope that He's not playing on a Windows machine, or we're all screwed. Jeff Ehrhart
My wife says I'm too into the X-Files. Dammit! They've gotten to her! Jim Rosenberg (Mr. Monologue)
Every time I'm naked, my cat stares at me. I don't know if reincarnation is real, but if it is I sure hope my cat was one of those guys who air-brushes the stretch marks off of supermodels in magazines. Elisa Shed
I think the inventor of the pinata may have had some unresolved donkey issues. Dan Johnson
"Never look at your grandmother naked." That is the only good piece of advice my grandfather ever gave me. Marshall Seligmann
His hungry eyes followed her longingly as the woman with the beautiful breasts slowly made her way back to her table. He thought, "Bitch didn't leave any chicken for the rest of us." Pam Pickard
It's funny how your thoughts change as you get older. As a kid, when I would walk by the bridge overpass, I used to daydream about finding a dead body under it. Now I fantasize about putting one there. Hugh Green
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: The White House mounted a "Free Leonardo DiCaprio" campaign in a call on ABC to air a controversial interview with the president and the screen star, who blurred distinctions between journalism, activism and entertainment during a recent sit-down with Clinton
[First in-depth question: "What are you doing about icebergs that could sink ocean liners ?"]
INTERNATIONAL: A British woman was remanded in custody by a Turkish court
on Tuesday after her intimate body piercing set off airport metal detectors and led to the discovery that she was smuggling over 6 pounds of heroin taped to her chest. Alison Mary McKinnon, 37, faces charges that carry a jail term of up to 30 years
[Well, she already has a ring they can attach the ball and chain to ]
NATIONAL: Hundreds of people gathered to catch a glimpse of Monica Lewinsky's appearance at Henri Bendel in New York. The upscale store is exclusively selling Lewinsky's line of handbags
[Each purse comes with special compartments for lip gloss, mouthwash and Tic-Tacs ]
ENTERTAINMENT???: A Las Vegas judge has annulled the marriage of Rick Rockwell
and Darva Conger, the couple who were wed on Fox TV's "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?" Conger testified Wednesday that she wasn't told about Rockwell's background before their wedding a background which includes allegations of domestic violence and a restraining order taken out by a former fiancιe
["Who Wants to Request a Restraining Order Against a Multimillionaire???"]
LITIGATION: Deborah Faryniarz, a doctor who hoped to become an orthopedic surgeon, filed a multimillion dollar lawsuit against Nike Inc. on Wednesday. Faryniarz claims that her Nike Certitude sneakers caused her to fall and permanently injure her wrist when the shoelace on her right shoe hooked around the back tab of her left shoe, causing her to trip
[Doesn't sound like she had much coordination BEFORE the injury, either ]
== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
According to a CIA report, as many as 50,000 women and children from Asia, Latin America and Eastern Europe are brought to the U.S. under false pretenses each year and forced to work as prostitutes.
[That is ten times the second-largest group, the U.S. Congress, whose members are similarly lured to Washington as statesman and forced to work as prostitutes.]
In his weekly radio address, President Clinton urged all Americans to fill out their census forms completely and accurately.
["For instance," he noted, "sometimes there might be someone crouching under your desk, or wiggling a thong at you in your windowless hallway."]
In Delaware legislation is being drafted in the General Assembly that would allow parents of newborns to escape child abandonment charges if they drop off their baby at a hospital emergency room.
[There is a fee, however, if the baby is not rewound.]
The Supreme Court made it easier for local governments to ban nude dancing.
[Arguments before the Court were interrupted briefly while the Chief Justice Rehnquist asked Justice Thomas to remove the $20 bills sticking out of his robes.]
== BIZARRE NEWS ==
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
ELVIS RUNS FOR MAYOR: (Phillips, WI) For once it's not just a sighting story. A man from Price County, WI, has legally changed his name to Elvis Aaron Presley, and is now running for mayor. This proprietor of a local bar (yes, bar), and former Elvis impersonator has decided to try his hand at politics. Inspired by Gov. Jesse Ventura, Presley said, "If the people of that state can put a wrestler in office, I don't see what's wrong with the people of Wisconsin electing an Elvis impersonator." The small town of 1,600 will choose between Presley and Keith Corcilius on April 4.
[Mayor Presley's biggest hits include: You Ain't Nothin' But a Cheesehead, I'll Have a Blue Election Without You, Hunk 'o Burning Votes and, of course, Viva Wisconsin!]
COUNTRY MUSIC PUNISHES THE WICKED: (Alexandria, LA ) Violating Rapides Parish's "loud and offensive noise" ordinance is no idle threat. Henry Nelson, age 20, and Jon Driggers, age 26, pleaded guilty when they were charged with playing loud music in their cars. They were both fined, given a suspended jail sentence with probation, and ordered to endure a three-hour "music appreciation" lesson. Judge Tom Yeager said, "I thought if they had to listen to stuff they hate, it would teach them to respect other people's rights." The selected tool of torment? Country music.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead competed in the breast stroke division of an English Channel swim competition the brunette came in first, and the redhead was a close second. Much later, the blonde finally reached the shore, completely exhausted and near the point of drowning.
After being revived with blankets and coffee, she muttered, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
THE TOP 15 SIGNS YOU FORGOT SOMEONE ON SECRETARIES DAY
15. Phone messages delivered on end of spear.
14. Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah I am a slavedriving cheapskate.
13. A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass, Now What?" appears on your desk.
12. When did FTD start doing an "Up Yours" Bouquet?
11. First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter.
10. It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the bottom of the cup.
9. Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark.
8. Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your PowerPoint presentation.
7. Supposedly shredded Whitewater documents turn up in the Washington Post cafeteria.
6. Now answers the phone, "Smith, Jones and Tightass."
5. That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane changes, a 12-hour layover in Guam and a personal appearance on Ricki Lake's "I'm a Selfish Pig" episode.
4. Newly typed org chart lists your position as "Head Up His Ass."
3. Your computer's mouse has been replaced by an electro-genital shock device.
2. While admittedly funnier than usual, daily Top 5 list she forwards you contains 15 identical "You suck!" entries.
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Sign You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day...
1. Expense report you don't recall submitting comes back with denied charges for "beer & hookers."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White
BODY LANGUAGEDid you ever walk into a room and see an attractive woman or handsome guy and wonder if they were attracted to you? Have you sat next to someone at a bar and were unsure whether to start up a conversation? Would you like to be able to just look at someone and know if this was a relationship meant for you? Well, you can look at someone and know exactly what they are thinking. Everyone tells us what they think by their body language. How someone sits, stands, moves their arms and legs tells everything about their inner feelings. Our crack ComedyZine staff researched body language learning exactly what each motion means. Read it carefully and you too will be able to walk into a room and know whether to start a relationship or just keep walking.
Using Body Language To Start A Relationship
(Or Get Lucky)
THE ARMS AND HANDS
Arms crossed or folding them over the lower chest is considered a defensive position. In a woman this usually means a distrust. In a man it means he is nervous and lacks confidence. If a guy starts a conversation with a woman and she crosses her arms, this means she does not trust the guy. It is advisable to end the conversation at this point and try again with someone less defensive.
Hands propping up breasts are considered a positive position. In a woman this usually means an openness and attraction. In a man it means he is gay. If a guy starts a conversation with a woman and she props up her breasts with her hands, this means she is very trusting and attracted to the guy. It is advisable to keep the conversation going and invite her to a more private area.
If while talking to a single woman she shows her left hand, this means she is open for advances as she is showing she has no ring and is single and available.
If while talking to a single or married woman she slaps you across the face, this means she is not open to advances. You may have said something to offend her.
If while talking to a single or married woman she gives you the "finger", this also means she is not open to advances. You may have said something to offend her.
If a person touches you by putting their hand on your hand, this means they like you and are open to advances. If a woman puts her hand on your balls and squeezes them, this does not mean she likes you. You should apologize for anything you may have said to offend her and politely ask her to remove her grip from your testicles. It might be a good time to compliment her on her increased strength from working out at the gym.
If a guy puts his hand on your balls and squeezes them, this does mean he likes you and he thinks you are gay. It you are gay it might be a good time to compliment his strength from working out at the gym and join him there. If you are straight pray to God and scream as loud as you can to attract attention so he will let go of you. Once free leave immediately, you are not in your own environment.
If someone should look at you and you at them, this means you are looking at each other. If both continue to glance at each other, this means there is an attraction or you are trailing toilet paper. Check your shoes.
A woman sitting and flinging her hair or moving her hand through her hair, means she is attracted to you. She is attempting to show you her face and ear. In some instances it means she has lice.
A guy running his hand through his hair, means he would like you to run your hands through his hair. A bald guy running his hands on top of his head means he is doing an impersonation of Curly from the Three Stooges.
A smile generally means a happy person. Someone who smiles back at your smile is being courteous. If the person licks their upper lip, it means they are attracted to you. If the person licks your upper lip, this means you are lucky unless this person is ugly. Then it means you are in a terrible situation.
The eyes tell a lot. If a person looks you directly in the eyes, this means they are interested in you. If a person looks at your hand, this means they are checking for a ring to see if you are available. If a woman looks at your lower half, this means she is considering you for some extra curricular activity. If a man looks at you this means he is considering you for some extra curricular activity.
Winking means the person is showing interest in you. Unless of course it is not a wink but a twitch then it means nothing at all.
THE LEGS AND FEET
Most women cross their legs when sitting particularly when wearing a dress. Unlike the arms, this should not be considered a defensive position. A woman sitting wearing a dress with crossed legs is being polite. If she turns to face you, it means there is some interest on her part. If she slowly moves her foot up and down her leg, this means she is inviting you to come closer and massage her. A woman sitting wearing a dress with legs open means you just got very lucky and she wants you to do more than just massage her.
A man with a wet spot on his genital area may mean he has a bladder control problem or that he really, really likes you.
A man sitting with legs crossed is a defensive position. This means he is not interested in the woman. (Or man if that's your sport) A man sitting with legs open means he is interested in you. A man sitting with fly open means he is very interested in you or forgetful. A man sitting with his penis out means he is either extremely interested in you or you caught him in a private moment. If a woman sits on the man with his penis out, it means this is the start of a wonderful relationship.
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
CONGRATULATIONS, IT'S A...A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features... of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"
[Thanks to Twila]
MORE FROM THE BOOK OF "STUPID POLITICIAN TRICKS""Rural Americans are real Americans. There's no doubt about that. You can't always be sure with other Americans. Not all of them are real."
Dan Quayle during the 1988 presidential campaign
Reporter: "What will you be telling voters during your heartland campaign tour?"
Republican candidate Bob Dole: "We're trying to get good pictures. Don't worry very much about what I say."
[Thanks to Twila]
MORE THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A MAN SAY
I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
Better get ride of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.
This movie has too much nudity.
Damn, we're late for church.
No. I don't want to see your sister's breasts.
Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!
THE TOP 12 WORST EXCUSES FOR BEING LATE FOR WORK
12. Actually, I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy I was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live version of 'Freebird'.
11. I keep forgetting which side of the International Date Line you're on.
10. We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?
9. It took this long to get the ol' blood alcohol level down to the legal driving limit.
8. I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing would happen today that would push me over the edge.
7. My proctologist got stuck.
6. It was Senator Kennedy's turn to drive today, so I've spent the last hour swimming.
5. I'm late because I was on the phone trying to get *your* shipping department to send the company's office supplies directly to the winner of my eBay auction.
4. It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain this morning... Sir.
3. "Heidi Klum refused to untie me."
2. I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you uh this box of ten donuts.
and the Number 1 Worst Excuse for Being Late for Work...
1. Sorry, sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job, a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
TEN WAYS TO TERRORIZE A TELEMARKETER
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
MICROSOFT'S TV AD
The classically minded among us may have noted a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet
Explorer e-mail program which uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem.
"Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen, while the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis," which translates to: "When the accursed have been confounded, And given over to the bitter flames." Which basically means: "When the accursed have been damned, and sent to Hell."
THE TOP 15 SIGNS YOUR COMPANY'S DIVERSITY PROGRAM ISN'T WORKING15. Diversity = White guys with red necks.
14. 3 months after your written request, your cellblock guards are still 100% male.
13. To meet state-mandated diversity ratios, company offers a raise to anyone willing to be gay one week a month.
12. Crazy Serbs in Marketing just can't get along with wacky Bosnians in Accounting.
11. Featured film on movie night: "Amos 'n' Andy Meet Charlie Chan"
10. Sudden unexplained increase in the number of "Dukes of Hazzard" cars in the parking lot.
9. Human Resources places an ad that reads, "Wanted: A Black, a Jew, an Oriental, and two broads."
8. Co-workers refer to you as "The Diversity Babe."
7. You're named 1997 Company of the Year by "Aryan Brotherhood Today" Magazine.
6. Only black face seen lately was when CEO did Al Jolson impression at the annual shareholders meeting.
5. You work at "Confederate Flags Is Us."
4. Looking back, organizing that "spin the dreidel" game at the Kwanzaa party was probably a bad idea.
3. Multi-Cultural Luncheon features "White Trash Casserole Starch Surprise."
2. Company has Celtic season tickets, even though the office is in downtown Boise.
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Company's Diversity Program Isn't Working...
1. Your law firm's name? Schott, Zoeller, Fuhrman and Helms.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White
HOW WOMEN AND MEN CHANGE THE OIL IN THEIR CARS
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December of 1992.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
35. Pull up to Jiffy Lube
This boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor . . ."
"At this time of the night no one will show up."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowjob . . . I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"Baby . . . don't be like that."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair a mess, rubbing her eyes and says . . .
"Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come down and blow the guy himself, but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
[Thanks to Ralph]
THE TRUE ORIGIN OF THOSE XY CHROMOSOMAL CREATURES
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first... So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."
THE TOP 20 SIGNS YOU'RE NOT A FASHION MODEL20. Rik Ocasik, Billy Joel, and David Copperfield push the needle all the way to the right on your dork-meter.
19. That photo of you and your Pug on the family homepage, with the caption, "I'm the one on the left."
18. Despite most valiant efforts, there always seems to be something going on behind your eyes.
17. Your latest workout video is called "Abs of Custard."
16. You've eaten an entire raisin at a single sitting.
15. 6 feet tall? Check.
134 pounds? Check.
No discernible beard stubble? Damn it!
14. The Wonderbra has no place to put your third breast.
13. That Cindy Crawford beauty mark? A stray chocolate chunk from your Ben 'n' Jerry's Super Mocha Chocolate Brownie Supreme.
12. You were on for an hour, and Howard Stern never once asked if you were wearing panties.
11. You pop the top on your cold can of diet soda, slowly wipe it across your forehead, and as you lean against the soda machine to take a sip, you hear, "Move it lardass, I'm thristy."
10. What good are $250 shoes if you can't see 'em?
9. Not only does the camera not love you, Kodak has filed a restraining order against you.
8. You're on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Spacesuit Edition.
7. Last night's dinner consisted of MORE than 3 peas.
6. You've been able to read without using your index finger for years.
5. You can't fit your finger IN your mouth, let alone down your throat.
4. When you ask where the runway is, you invariably get directions to LaGuardia.
3. Jim Bob's All-U-Kin-Eat Country Buffet had to hire a bouncer to keep you out.
2. You've never heard of Oscar de la Renta, but are a longtime fan of Oscar Meyer's.
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Not a Fashion Model...
1. Despite constant dieting, intense workouts and subscriptions to all the glamour magazines, you just can seem to lose that 3-digit IQ!
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White
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