THE WEEKLY RIOT
April 14, 2000
I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind.
Emily Bronte, from "Wuthering Heights"
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning. Louis L'Amour
Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom. General George Patton
A rose by any other name would still attract aphids.
I fell in love at first sight I should have looked twice.
One thing about the speed of light... it gets here too early in the morning.
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirt bag
I must have stood alone on Pennsylvania Avenue holding that sign for at least three hours before some kind passer-by informed me that the "Million Moron March on Washington" was the previous Friday. Boy, did I feel stupid.
Ladies, have you heard about the new vibrators on the market? For those of you who are single and really miss the feeling of a relationship, there's the ReaLover TM at random intervals it wilts completely. Doesn't that take you back? For greater verisimilitude you can try the ReaLover DeluxeTM it vibrates violently for three minutes, stops abruptly, and begins snoring.
== RUMINATIONS ==
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
Nobody is totally useless. They can always be used as a bad example. Paul Jeffrey
Four out of five dentists surveyed recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum. The fifth one recommends taffy and Karo syrup, because he has some rather large gambling debts. Bill Muse
The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions. Flynne Bondolini
Sometimes, when I'm watching my three beautiful children as they sleep, I feel a sense of awe at how many sperm can fit through a pin hole in latex. Pam Pickard
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
The California National Guard is planning to deploy a new unit near Los Angeles this summer, just in time for the Democratic National Convention. The troops will be trained
to deal with biological and chemical terrorist attacks
[They've already detected one deadly element in Los Angeles it's called THE AIR ]
Police in Laval, Quebec, Canada, heard the rumors and conducted a two-month-long undercover operation to see if they were true. A salon in town, Le Salon Sex Symbol, reportedly offered extras with haircuts: depending on how much customers paid, police say, hair stylists would talk dirty, show their breasts, strip naked, or even engage in sex. Three female stylists and five male customers were arrested, charged with working in or frequenting a house of prostitution. And haircuts? "We found some hair on the ground," a police spokesman confirmed. "One of the men got his hair cut. They have a few clients who just go for that."
A TV commercial for Orkin Pest Control has frightened viewers into believing that a cockroach is crawling on their TV screen. The company has even received requests to repair sets damaged when viewers hurled objects at the bug. The ads, titled "Fake Out," began playing March 1st in 90 percent of the country
[Proving that the only thing sneakier and more repulsive than a cockroach is an ad-man ]
In an interview with Conservatism, the quarterly journal of the Conservative Christian Fellowship, Dr. David Hope, the Archbishop of York warns that the Internet has the potential to destroy society. "This technology is something that could ultimately devour us," Hope claims. "The danger is in having all this wizardry in individual homes which people never leave and where there is, as a result, no social interaction "
[You know, kind of like when they invented the phone ]
Aetna U.S. Healthcare has settled a lawsuit with the state of Texas, agreeing to give doctors more power over medical treatments and eliminating financial incentives which
encouraged doctors to limit care
["We could cure you, but then I don't get my bonus "]
== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
The second fire in less than two months broke out Wednesday night at the National Archives' record center.
[It marks the most serious threat to the U.S. Constitution since the Republican Congress.]
The FBI says a virus that erases hard drives and makes bogus 911 calls may be threatening computers in the Houston area.
[Now, if it could only place a Wake-Up call to the Rockets.]
== BIZARRE NEWS ==
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
HOT SEX?: (Cancun, Mexico) Rita Garcia has fessed up after bragging to friends about how she got even with her ex. Garcia broke into her estranged husband's apartment and located unused condoms in a drawer. She carefully opened a condom and peppered chili powder in one, resealed it and waited for the results. After a moment of passion with his 19-year-old girlfriend Pedro was rushed to the hospital with his manhood on *fire*. Rita, upon her being charged with second degree assault said, "He wanted hot sex with that 19-year-old and he's now had it."
MAGNETIC PERSONALITY LANDS PERVERT IN JAIL: (San Francisco, CA) 45-year-old suspect, Harold White has been charged with one of the more bizarre crimes to hit this unusual city. He has been charged with disturbing the peace with a high powered magnet! It seems that White would stake out piercing parlors thereupon following women who recently had body parts pierced. He would then get close to them with his magnet in an attempt to "sexually stimulate" his victims with the magnet.
READER COMMENTS: Most people think that the military covered up the fact that 5 aliens crashed their ship in Roswell on July 8, 1947. What most of us didn't know however, was that Al Gore was born EXACTLY nine months later.
[I guess that would explain the retractable set of mandibles, the giant dome-shaped head and the tail. No, wait...that's George W.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A young blonde was telling her friend at a cocktail party that she was off men for life. "They lie, cheat, and they are no good. From now on, when I want sex I'll use my vibrator."
"But what if the batteries run out? What will you do?" asked the friend.
"Same as I do with my boyfriend, I'll fake the orgasm."
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father, cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
CHOCOLATE LAYER CAKE 1040
Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.)
Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.
Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.
Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551.
Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.
Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups.
Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour.
Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.
Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt.
Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q.Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)
Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m "For the Birds."
In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder.
Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a).
Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9x13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9x13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack.
When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings.
Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, "Fresh Fruit Desserts."
Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS the midst of 1995's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflammables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her r's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
THE 1999 DARWIN AWARDS
One of the long-awaited moments of each New Year is the awarding of the Darwin Award. Darwin Awards are (by definition) granted posthumously. This citation is bestowed upon that individual (or remains of), who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
So here are the runners-up for this year's Award:
A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award. (15 July 1999, Alabama)
A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun. (11 August 1999)
A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the River Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death. (25 May 1999, Ukraine)
A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play. (16 August 1999, Germany)
Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head. (1991, Nicosia, Cypress)
Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from one point for beer to eight points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236 (winners never quit), which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, seven times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence (the bathroom), Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within an hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming. (August 1999, Australia)
A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in northeastern England. "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbor Alan Renfry told reporters. (28 January 1999, London)
First Runner Up Award goes to:
Decades of armed strife have littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded antitank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported. (22 March 1999, Phnom Penh)
And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is:
The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise. (5 September 1999, Jerusalem)
[Thanks again to John]
THE TOP 14 ALTERNATE TERMS FOR "CUBICLE"14. Soul-Sucking Pod o' Death
13. Tomb of the Unknown Bureaucrat
11. Headquarters, Jodie Foster Fan Club
10. Peon Palazzo
9. Yuppie Terrarium
8. The SnackFooda Triangle
7. English Majors Entry Point
6. Luxury Manhattan Apartment
5. Picasso's Folly
4. International Porn Downloading Headquarters
3. Fortress of Servitude
2. Casa de Livin' La Vida Veal
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Alternate Term for "Cubicle"...
1. Wraparound Turbo Demoralizer 2000
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE LIFE OF A WOMAN
There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.
They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.
No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men.
All of the men started clapping.
MORE FROM THE NEW MILLENNIUM DICTIONARY
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard (n.), a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Marionettes (n.), residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
[Thanks to Harold, The Master of AOL]
NEW MIRACLE DRUGFrom time to time I speak with pharmaceutical sales reps who are at the doctor's office when I am there. The other day a Glaxo rep told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.
The drug is called "Gingko Viagra", and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
JOINING THE CIRCUSThe young man had asked for a job with the circus any job just so he could travel with the circus. The owner of the circus, thinking he might be able to make an assistant lion tamer out of the young man, took him out to the practice cage.
The head lion tamer, a beautiful young woman, was just starting her rehearsal. As she entered the cage, she removed her cape with a flourish and, standing in a revealing costume, motioned to one of the lions.
Obediently, the lion crept toward the young woman, licked her feet, legs and thighs, then rolled over twice.
"Well," said the owner to the young man, "think you could do that?"
"I'm sure I could sir," said the young man, "but you'll have to get that lion out of there."
ADAM'S RIBSIn Sunday School, they were teaching how Lord created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,
"Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking
him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs."
In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die.
If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry.
THE KIND LAWYER
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
ANOTHER LAWYER JOKE
A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer were waiting one morning on a particularly slow group of golfers.
"What's wrong with these guys?" fumed the lawyer. "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
"I don't know," said the doctor, "but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
"Here comes the greenskeeper," said the priest. "Let's have a word with him. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
"Oh, yes," said George, "That's the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let them play here anytime free of charge!"
Everyone was silent for a moment.
Then the priest said, "That's so sad, I think I'll say a prayer for them tonight."
"And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them," the doctor added.
"Why can't these guys play at night?" asked the lawyer.
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