April 21, 2000

Life is like an hourglass.
Consciousness is the sand.

— Unknown Author

(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)

Thought for the Day:
I don't need cyber-sex... AOL goes down on me all the time.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history — with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. — Mitch Ratliffe

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

Q: How many government employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to insist that it's being taken care of, and the other to screw it into a water faucet…

Q: Why is President Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate of Elian Gonzalez?
A: Because the last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban he was impeached.


Commercial aerospace company SpaceHab Inc. is developing the world's first space-bound broadcast studio and production facility — the Enterprise — which will be completed by 2002. The company is seeking Hollywood partnerships to produce and distribute entertainment and news from outer space…
[Great — now aliens can watch crappy sitcoms, too…]



Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg

Officials at say the site is now doing more than $1 million in auction sales every month.
[Especially popular: the interactive "Impress Jodie Foster!" feature.]

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts went public with millions of shares of common stock.
[Savvy investors looking to leverage their investment also pushed up the price of Bigass Jeans, Inc. (NYSE: BJI).]

American Airlines sued a man and woman when the two strangers got drunk together and began taking off each other's clothes.
[Authorities for the airline indicated that the Captain had illuminated the No Screwing sign indicating it was time to lower one's private part from their full, upright and locked position.]


Seems that 3 blonde party girls sat down at the bar in a tavern. The first blonde tells the bartender, "I'll have a BM."

The bartender taken back asks, "A what?"

She says, "A Bloody Mary, Duh."

The second blonde tells the bartender, "I'll have a JC."

Again, the bartender asks, "What is a JC?"

She responds, smacking her lips, "A Jack Daniels and Coke, Duh!"

The third blonde, asks the bartender for a "fifteen".

The bartender is really puzzled now and asks her what this means.

The third blonde shakes her head and says, "Of course, its a seven and seven, Duh!"


22. Menicillin
21. Schwanzenhance
20. Wood 'n' Plenty
19. Penochio
18. Presidentia
17. PharmaFluffer
16. Schwingicin-D
15. Wang Shui
14. Limpbegone
13. Erextacy
12. TriEthyl TriMary TriEthylagain
11. Phun-Phun
10. Engorgia
9. Holyshitaril!
8. Coxgro
7. Shaftlock
6. The Bone-r ("Bone on... bone off...")
5. The Stiffer Pecker Upper
4. Chlortrioxide Benzoylacetate Tetraseptic Cock Strengthener
3. Grecian Formula 6"
2. Gee, Your Dick Looks Terrific!

      and's Number 1 Rejected Name for an Anti-Impotence Drug...

1. I Can't Believe It's Not Rigor Mortis!

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White


1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.


1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page]


When an elementary school teacher asked her students to complete some famous proverbs, here's what they wrote:

As you shall make your bed, so shall you... mess it up.

Better be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... Daylight Savings Time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water, but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... mister.

If you lie down with dogs... you'll stink in the morning.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.

A penny saved is... not much.

Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.

Don't put off until tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way!


NOTE FROM CHRIS: The new Amish.Net website says it represents the "more progressive settlements" of the rigidly old-fashioned Christian sect famous for its quilts, barn-raisings and furniture.

15. As the site loads, little animated Amish guys appear on the screen to construct the frames right before your eyes.

14. "This site best viewed in black and white."

13. Virtual Butter Churn

12. Catch the buggy and win a free quilt!

11. Real-time chat consists of opening a window and shouting at the top of your lungs.

10. "Kickin''s butt since 1994."

9. Must navigate pages by hand-cranking the computer.

8. Outhouse-cam!

7. "MAKE HORSESHOES FAST!!!!!!!!!!!"

6. Their "Top 5 Ways to Cook Sheep Intestines" list? It's not a joke!

5. Banner ad reads: "Calmly reason with the monkey and win $50!!"

4. eBray Donkey Auctions

3. "AskAmish" feature: Your on-line questions will be transcribed to parchment with a quill pen, presented to the Council of Elders and your answer returned in 4-6 weeks by carrier pigeon.

2. SpinsterDance

      and's Number 1 Feature of www.Amish.Net...

1. Amish Porn Central — Bare-Under-The-Bonnet Action! More than your barn will be raised!

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White


If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was....

If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.

If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...

If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *

If you love somebody,
Set her free...
After all, every living creature deserves to be free!!

If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act
clearly states that...

If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

If you love somebody
don't ever set her free.

If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she is yours,
If she doesn't, get your rifle and hunt her down
like a wild animal and shoot her dead, dead, dead.

If you love somebody
set her free
By offering her VRS and other benefits
Then outsource her.

If you love somebody
set her free...
and look for others simultaneously.

If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, it was meant to be
If she doesn't, hunt her down & kill her!


What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They'll never see you coming.

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?

What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?
Both capture the moment.

Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
There'd be too many thank you notes to write.

What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
Is it in?

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.


12. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.

11. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."

10. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.

9. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.

8. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.

7. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.

6. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.

5. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.

4. Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.

3. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.

2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.

      and's Number 1 Reason For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us...

1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid — I R on break."

The Top 5 List

Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White


• If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
• If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
• If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
• If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
• If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
• If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
• If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.
• If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
• If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
• If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
• If she asks you, it's a favor.
• If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
• If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

[Thanks again to John]


• The principal singer of 19th Century opera was called pre-Madonna.
• It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
• Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
• Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
• All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
• Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
• Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
• Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.
• Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfield's and the McCoy's.
• A harp is a nude piano.
• The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.
• An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.
• The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
• Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of playing a piece.
• Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.
• I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
• Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
• My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
• Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.
• Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]


A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops.

"You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says. He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.

A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him. "Mister," she says, "have you ever been fucked?"

"No," he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."

[Thanks again to John]


Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic, because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.


15. Chicks aren't too impressed by a varsity letter in "Chores."

14. Pajamas you ain't been out of all semester are the source of fungi specimens for your biology lesson.

13. "Once again, today's lesson will be given by Regis and Kathie Lee..."

12. You're sick to death of this fall's only course: "History of Your Father's Drinking and Womanizing."

11. "Good, Billy... now if you shoot two *more* abortion doctors, how many are left then?"

10. Takes about nine pumps to get a decent flow going on the Ritalin keg.

9. You can't understand why you get Mrs. Culpepper every year. Your last name? Culpepper.

8. No matter how interesting you make the curriculum, Junior always wants to go down the block to Ms. LeTourneau's home school.

7. Five bucks for a PB&J seems high, but Dad has to make a profit somewhere.

6. Mom calls them "Environmental Studies field trips," but it seems suspiciously like taking out the garbage.

5. Sex education with Mom consists of nothing but gardening metaphors.

4. Sure, you're the valedictorian and the star of the basketball team, but your prom date choices are limited to your mom and the UPS guy.

3. Despite the cheerleader outfit, Mom's pep rallies suck.

2. Prom Committee deadlock among Teletubbies, Barbie Dreamhouse, and WWF Extreme Smack-Down themes now entering third month.

and's Number 1 Problem with Homeschooling...

1. Ever since Dad left, Mom always tries to nail you in the groin at dodgeball.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White


It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving." Or "Oh no, not that one!!"

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 256MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."


A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA", they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read, "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money."

However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, they deducted $95!"


Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.

Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.

Panhandler: Unaffiliated applicant for private sector funding.

Serial Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.

Lazy: Motivationally deficient.

Fail: Achieve a deficiency.

Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.

Bald: Follicularly challenged.

Clumsy: Uniquely co-ordinated.

Body Odor: Non discretionary fragrance.

Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.

Worst: Least best.

Wrong: Differently logical.

Ugly: Cosmetically different.

Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.

Short: Vertically challenged.

Dead: Living impaired.

Vagrant: Non-specifically destinationed individual.

Spendthrift: Negative saver.

Stoned: Chemically inconvenienced.

Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed.

Ignorant: Knowledge based non possessor.

By Liam McEneaney

Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new employees. Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to company policy.

OVERTIME: The Company has an optional overtime policy — you have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of overtime.

PROMOTION: The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO's son when he is promoted to Vice President over you.

STOCK OPTIONS: You may buy shares in the company when it goes public. So named because you'll be working in the stock room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.

401K: This is how much money you'll lose under your "Stock Option" plan.

HELLTH PLAN: No, that isn't a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O. That stands for "Hell's Medical Organization." It was organized by some of Hell's finest minds; Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down to three points:

1) You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally — as of now, the HMO owns you. To insure that you don't forget your subscriber number, we will tattoo it to your forehead.

2) You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will not be told your physician's name. You may never see your physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any doctor without express written permission of your imaginary primary care physician, you will be forced to pay full price, plus eat your weight in lard.

3) You are not covered under this plan.

TERMINATION: All employees will be given two weeks notice upon being fired. We like to feel that this gives an employee a "grace period" to steal all of the office supplies that he or she may have forgotten to take during his or her period of employment.

COMPLAINTS: May be made anonymously in the box marked "Complaints" in the employee break room. All complaints will be reviewed, processed, and fed to an angry Rottweiler named Frankie.

[Thanks again to John]


A father picked up his 9-year-old daughter after school to take her home. On the way, they were stopped at a traffic light. The little girl looked out the window and saw two dogs, male and female, doing what dogs do.

"Daddy," she asked, "what are those dogs doing?"

Not wanting to get into a discussion about the facts of life with his daughter at her tender age, and in a hurry to get through traffic to go home, her father replied, "Well, honey, the little dog on top must have hurt his feet on the hot cement, so the doggie underneath is just helping out by giving him a ride home. Okay?"

The little girl glanced back at the dogs, sighed, and said, "Isn't that just the way it always is. You try to help someone out, and they fuck you in the ass."

[Thanks again to Craig]


One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.

"Well, Your Honor," she began coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could fuck, he could fly!"


After going through Lamaze, Leboyer, and La Leche classes with his expectant wife, the proud new father remained by her bedside throughout the labor and delivery. Wanting to be as sympathetic as possible, he took his wife's hand afterward and said emotionally, "Tell me how it was, darling, how it actually felt to give birth."

"OK, honey," his wife replied. "Smile as hard as you can."

Beaming down at his wife and child, the man followed her instructions. "That's not hard."

She continued, "Now stick a finger in each corner of your mouth." He obeyed, smiling broadly. "Now stretch your lips as far as they'll go," she went on.

"Still not too tough," he remarked.

"Right," she snapped. "Now pull them over your head."

[Thanks again to John]


15. The "Princess LeiaMe" blow-up doll

14. Chewbacca Chew'n T'bacca, from Skoal

13. Princess Chia

12. Lando Calrissian Cognac — 40 Parsecs of smoooooth

11. R2D2, C3PO & KY4U "Adult Action Figures"

10. Han Solo Cups

9. "Do you know me? Probably not, if I'm out of my Stormtrooper uniform. That's why I carry American Express."

8. McDonald's Ewok Burger Happy Meal

7. Metamucil — "May the Force run through you!"

6. Darth Vader Ginsberg doll — Black robe and goofy glasses sold separately

5. Tampax Tampons, now with starfighter X-wings and lightsabre applicator

4. Volkswagon's "Return of the Jetta"

3. "Ewok On A Stick" toilet brushes

2. Darth Vibrader

     and's Number 1 Rejected Star Wars Trilogy Marketing Tie-in...

1. Barbie Wan Kenobie's Malibu Deathstar

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1997, 2000 by Chris White


Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention... the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself."

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, " When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?"

God asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well," says Ford, "you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 out of 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

Just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

[Thanks again to John]


Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people who don't have children.
Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".
Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.
"Normal": A setting on a washing machine.
Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.
Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.
Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.
Witlag: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.
Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.

Previous Issue                     Next Issue

Return to The WEEKLY RIOT Archives

Subscribe to The WEEKLY RIOT

Return to The Goddess

Love is about surrender — of one's heart, soul, mind, and body... The bonding of two souls... dancing... intertwining... becoming whole... complete... one... What else matters?

WebGoddess:  Victoria

| Star Goddess | Photos | Soul Mates | Humor | Quotes | Current Affairs | Passionate Poetry | Postcards | Horoscopes | INFP | Links |

Web Goddess Designs --