I have been notified by AOL that my ex-husband, Jeffrey Weber-Reek (AKA Jeffrey John Weber-Reek, Jeffrey Reek, Jeffrey Weber, Jeff Weber-Reek, Jeff Weber, Jeff Reek, Jeffrey John Weber, John Weber-Reek, John Weber, John Reek, etc., etc.), or as I prefer to call him "The Ice Weasel", "Father of the Parallel Universe of Antimatter", or "Psychic Vampire of Souls", has filed a formal complaint against me for violation of AOL's obscenity rules, hence the "Censored Version" this week.
"I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe." — Unknown
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION(S) (From the Dictionary for Women)
ARGUMENT (ar*gyou*ment) n. — A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
BLONDE JOKES (blond joks) n. — Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
DIET SODA (dy*it so*da) n. — A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
ETERNITY (e*ter*ni*tee) n. — The last two minutes of a football game.
EXERCIZE (ex*er*siz) v. --To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
HAIR DRESSER (hare dres*er) n. — Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
HARDWARE STORE (hard*war stor) n. — Similar to a black hole in space — if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
CHILDBIRTH (child*brth) n. — You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breathe... push..."
PATIENCE (pa*shens) n. — The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "Tranquilizers."
THIS WEEK'S INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come..." — Matt Groening
"Make love, not war — hell, do both, get married!" — Anonymous graffiti
"If voting could really change things, it would be illegal." — Anonymous graffiti
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." — Douglas Adams
"The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made." — Jean Giraudoux
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." — Douglas Adams
"Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular, and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether — whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation... A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others." — Amboise
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
Q: What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
A: Oh look! Doughnut seeds!
Q: What do you call a skeleton in a closet?
A: The 1983 Blonde Hide and Seek Champion.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
MORE FRACTURED FAIRY TALES...
[Thanks to my mom, Moe (aka Dr. Mom)] (Note: This joke has been sanitized for your protection by order of the AOL Censors)
Once upon at time, a beautiful, indepdendent, self-assured princess came across a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. All I need is one kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince. Then we can marry and move back into the castle with my mom. You can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and we can live happily ever after."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't f**king think so!"
White House Staff
Hillary Clinton has reportedly hired a new intern to work closely with the President...
The new intern, Lorena Bobbit, is highly experienced and reportedly brings very sharp talents to the job.
MAN ENTERS HOSPITAL FOR ROUTINE TESTS, NOW IN COMA...
A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" his wife asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
IF THERE TRULY IS A HELL, I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WOULD HAVE HUGE STEREO SPEAKERS BLARING COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSIC, ALTERNATING WITH RAP, 24/7...
These are NOT made up. These are actual song titles . . .
The Best and Worst Country-Western Song Titles:
Get Your Biscuits In the Oven and Your Buns In the Bed (Note from The Goddess: Kinky Friedman, whose songs are satirical [this one is about the early Women's Liberation movements] writes some of the funniest books [murder mysteries] I have ever read...)
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
I Got In at 2 With a 10 and Woke Up at 10 With a 2
I Hate Every Bone in Your Body Except for Mine
I Just Bought a Car from a Guy that Stole My Girl, But the Car Don't Run so I Figure We Got an Even Deal
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Still Miss You Baby, but My Aim's Gettin' Better
I Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I'll Marry You Tomorrow, but Let's Honeymoon Tonight
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
I've Got Tears in My Ears from Lying on my Back in my Bed While I Cry Over You
If I Can't Be Number One in Your Life, Then Number Two on You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted to, I'd Be out by Now
Mama Get a Hammer (There's a Fly on Papa's Head)
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
Please Bypass this Heart
She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger
You Done Tore Out My Heart, and Stomped that Sucker Flat
You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
L.A. Police Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
It was a historical inevitability.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Captain James T. Kirk:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook — and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.
I missed one?
MORE ADVICE FROM THE TRUE EXPERTS ON ROMANCE, LOVE, AND (shudder!!) MARRIAGE...
How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." — Kally, age 9
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." — Allan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with." — Kirsten, age 10
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!" — Cam, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married!" — Freddie, age 6
How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." — Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." — Derrick, age 8
What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
"Both don't want no more kids." — Lori, age 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." — Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." — Martin, age 10
What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." — Craig, age 9
When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"When they're rich!" — Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." — Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." — Howard, age 8
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing... I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!" — Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" — Anita, age 9
"Single is better... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." — Kirsten, age 10
What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?
"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins... I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'" — Craig, age 9
What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." — Marlon, age 10
How to Make a Marriage Work
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" — Ricky, age 7
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes. Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." — Lori, age 8
Getting Married for a Second Time
"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live one." — Angie L., age 10
How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" — Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing — the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!" — Roberta, age 7
A Man is walking down the beach and sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges.
She says "Normally I grant three wishes, but in your case, you SOB, I am going to grant only one."
He thinks a minute and says "OK, I want to wake up with three women in my bed."
She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: You're wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of various city newspapers.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special-Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
FLY UNITED... (Note: This story has been sanitized for your protection by order of the AOL Censors)
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. This is a TRUE story...
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way up to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I have to be on this flight, and it has to be FIRST CLASS!"
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without even hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began saying, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate, WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate, it would be most helpful...!"
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth and said, "F**k you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said sweetly, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have stand in line for that, too!"
IMPORTANT DATING TIPS
How To Impress A Woman
Listen to her
Care for her
Stand by her
Go to the ends of the earth for her
How To Impress A Man
Show up naked
GIMME THAT OLD TIME RELIGION...
This is originally from the Vancouver Sun. These are actually answers on a Bible knowledge test given to elementary students. The test covered the Old as well as the New Testament.
Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire by night.
Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide, to get the Ten Commandments.
The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 Decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew.
Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
A man should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic genitals.
SHEESH!! NO WONDER THEY'RE ALWAYS SPENDING THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON SCREWS AND TOILET SEATS...
These are actual lines out of OER (Officer Efficiency Report) performance appraisal for the military.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 1 ½ hours to watch 60 minutes.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
FROM THE DAN QUAYLE SCHOOL OF PUBLIC SPEAKING...
These quotes are all from our favorite crack-smoking mayor, the honorable Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.
"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."
"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
"Bitch set me up."
"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"
"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."
"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."
"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."
"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"
"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"
"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."
A man is told by his doctor that he is dying of an inoperable brain tumor, with only weeks to live. "We do have hope," the doctor says. "We can attempt a brain transplant. However, it is very experimental, and very expensive."
"How much would it cost me?" the patient asks.
"Normally a man's brain transplant is $100,000," the doctor replied. " But you're in luck, we have a woman's brain available, and that one is only $10,000."
Confused, the man asks, "Why is the man's brain so expensive?"
The doctor replies, "Because the woman's brain has been used."
CIA JOB INTERVIEW
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"