THE WEEKLY RIOT
October 30, 1998





There are many paths to enlightenment.
Be sure to take the one with a heart.
Lao Tzu



THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION


Human (n.): Useful domestic animal popular with cats and dogs



THIS WEEK'S INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

"Every time I close the door on reality
It comes through the window."
Ashleigh Brilliant

"When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
It's a whole different way of thinking."
Elayne Boolser

"I think the mistake a lot of us make is
thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend"."
Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey

"Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
But she can never catch him at it."
Unknown

"If ignorance is bliss,
is stupidity orgasmic?"
Unknown



THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!



I THINK, THEREFORE I "IM"
[Many thanks to Brad, who sends me absolutely the *funniest* stuff in the mail...]


These are from the New York magazine competition where they asked competitors to change *one* letter in a familiar non-English phrase and redefine it.

Harlez-vous francais?
(Can you drive a French motorcycle?)

Ex post fucto
(Lost in the mail)

Idios amigos
(We're wild and crazy guys!)

Veni, VIPi, Vici
(I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered)

J'y suis, J'y pestes
(I can stay for the weekend)

Cogito Eggo sum
(I think; therefore, I am a waffle)

Rigor Morris
(The cat is dead)

Respondez s'il vous plaid
(Honk if you're Scots)

Que sera, serf
(Life is feudal)

Le roi est mort. Jive le roi
(The King is dead. No kidding.)

Posh mortem
(Death styles of the rich and famous)

Pro Bozo publico
(Support your local clown)

Monage a trois
(I am three years old)

Felix navidad
(Our cat has a boat)

Haste cuisine
(Fast French food)

Veni, vidi, vice
(I came, I saw, I partied)

Quip pro quo
(A fast retort)

Aloha oy!
(Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know)

Mazel ton!
(Lots of luck)

Apres Moe, le deluge
(Larry and Curly get wet)

Porte-Kochere
(Sacramental wine)

Iic liebe rich
(I'm really crazy about having dough)

Fui generis
(What's mine is mine)

VISA la France
(Don't leave chateau without it)

Ca va sans dirt
(And that's not gossip)

Merci rien
(Thanks for nothin')

Amicus puriae
(Platonic friend)

L'etat, c'est moo
(I'm bossy around here)

L'etat, c'est Moe
(All the world's a stooge)



I FEEL PRETTY, OH SO PRETTY...
[Thanks again to Brad]


Top ten things men would do if they woke up as a woman for one day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... and BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...

And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up as a woman...

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.



NEW MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGHS FOR MEN

With Viagra such a great medical success for increasing men's sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.. Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.



"HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU..."

After the Halloween party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear, they haven't."

The wife then softly inquired, "Then what in the hell gave you that idea at the party tonight?"



TOP TEN BEST THINGS ABOUT DATING A VAMPIRE

1. Long relationships
2. Allowed to stay out late
3. Easy weight loss
4. Centuries of experience
5. Immune to all venereal diseases
6. Always has amazing stamina
7. Loves neck nibbling
8. Rarely interested in arguing religion
9. Never comes home with garlic breath
10. Never have to worry about what color of clothes to wear.



A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME...
[Thanks to Craig]


Many Universities, government offices and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the begining or end to make up an e-mail address, ie Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml.

They are just now beginning to realize the problems this practice may cause when you have a large and diverse pool of people to support with e-mail. Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have some very funny addresses (although they are undoubtedly not funny to the individual involved).


Some examples of actual e-mail addresses seen on the Net:

Hellen Thomas Eatons
(Duke University)
eatonsht@dku.edu

Martha Elizabeth Cummins
(Fresno University)
cumminme@fu.edu

George David Blowmer
(Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)
blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

Mary Ellen Dickinson
(Indiana University of Pennsylvania)
dickinme@iup.edu

Francis Kevin Kissinger
(Las Verdes University)
kissinfk@lvu.edu

Barbara Joan Beeranger
(Myplace Home Decorating)
beeranbj@myplace.com

Amanda Sue Pickering
(Purdue University)
aspicker@pu.edu


Ida Beatrice Ballinger
(Ball State University)
ibballin@bsu.edu

Bradley Thomas Kissering
(Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada)
btkisser@bendover.com

Isabelle Haydon Adcock
(Toys "R" Us)
ihadcock@tru.com



IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN:

Subject: Viagra Alert!

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT take Viagra in conjunction with iron tablets (Fe). If you do, you will continuously spin around and point north.

End of Alert message.



SOUTHERN WISDOM...
(And yes, I know it's an oxymoron... careful though, I AM a Texan... LOL)




MALE BONDING RITUALS...
[Thanks again to Brad]


A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."



THE RULES FOR WOMEN (ACCORDING TO MEN)
[Thanks to Craig]




SILLY SIMILES
[Thanks again to Craig]


One of the goals of a teacher is to try and stretch the skills of your students. Alas, the results are not always breathtaking. These are the results of encouraging students to use comparisons.



FROM THE "TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE" DEPARTMENT:

Doctors aren't touting one major side effect of the impotency drug, Viagra. Men will be forced to make conversation for an hour before the pill kicks in...



ONLY IN AMERICA
[Thanks again to Craig]


The British were very impressed with a NASA invention that would launch dead chickens at an airplane to simulate mid air collisions with water fowl. They immediately decided to try it on their own bullet trains. The first time they launched a chicken they sat horrified as it easily penetrated the window and broke the engineer's setback in two. They sent the test results to NASA and begged them for some design input on the problem. NASA wrote back, "Thaw the chicken."

But before NASA feels too proud . . .

Another NASA invention that became widely popular with people who had more money than things to spend it on was the pen that could write upside down and under water. When the astronauts complained about that same problem, NASA spent over a million dollars to find the answer and came up with a marvel of a pen. When the Russian cosmonauts faced that problem, they started taking pencils with them.



CALIFORNIA DRIVING

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a dick all day long.



IMPORTANT TIPS FOR SAFE BOATING FUN



NEW TWISTS ON OLD ACRONYMS

Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "Hi, my name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK."

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."

Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"

She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."



ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO LANDLORDS
[Thanks again to Craig]




TOP COMPLAINTS OF MODERN DAY VAMPIRES



DRACULA vs THE NUNS

Two nuns Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"



THE LITTLE BUCCANEER

A little boy goes up to the door and rings the bell. The lady opens the door, and the boy says, "Trick or treat!"

The lady says, "Well, aren't you cute! What are you supposed to be?"

The boy, miffed because he thought it was obvious, says, "I'm a pirate!"

The lady, not realizing her gaffe, says, "Well then, where are your buccaneers?"

The boy says, "Jeez, lady, they're on my buckin' head!"



WHY PUMPKINS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
(Looks like my secret is out can I help it if I've always gone for the strong, silent, and, well.... orange type???
After all, my Meyer-Briggs personality type is INFP In Need oF Pumpkin...)


1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

3. One usually makes a better pie.

4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

6. If he starts getting old, you can just throw him out.

7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when (and for as long as) you want him to be.



TOP 13 HALLOWEEN SURVIVAL TIPS

13. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

12. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

11. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

10. Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with society.

9. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

8. If you're searching for the cause of a noise and find out that it's not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

7. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

6. Do not take anything from the dead.

5. If you find a town which is deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

4. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

3. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylavania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

2. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

1. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.



THE WIT OF STEVEN WRIGHT
[Thanks to John]







THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO ORGASMS
(an old Saturday Night Live bit, for you pre-boomers out there)
[Thanks again to Brad]


Newlyweds get:
"soregasms"

Nymphos have:
"let's-do-it-some-moregasms"

4WDrivers usually experience:
"four-on-the-floorgasms"

Salesmen have:
"door-to-doorgasms"

Virgins scream out:
"my-hymen-got-torgasms"

I know of no one who has:
"I-abhorgasms"

Goalies have:
"scoregasms"

I was married to a man who had:
"snoregasms"
(well, that was *his* excuse)

Golfers have:
"foregasms"

Hockey players have:
"Bobby Orrgasms"

Mushrooms are limited to:
"sporegasms"

And Marco Polo had:
"exploregasms"

Premature ejaculators have:
"beforegasms"

Selfish men have:
"I-got-mine-you-get-yourgasms"




THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE
[Thanks again to Craig]


One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being a woman.

So St. Peter went about creating this being which was similar to man yet was different in ways that would be appealing and could provide physical pleasure to man. When St. Peter had finished creating this being who could now be called woman he summoned The Lord.

"Ah, St. Peter, once again you have done an excellent job," said The Lord.

"Thank You, Great One," replied St. Peter. "I am now ready to provide the brain, nerve endings and senses to the being, this woman. I require your assistance on this matter, Lord."

"You shall make her brain slightly smaller, yet more intuitive, more feeling, more compassionate, and more adaptable than man's," said The Lord.

"The nerve endings," said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Two hundred, my Lord," replied St. Peter.

"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

"And how many nerve endings shall we put in her feet?" inquired St. Peter.

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Seventy-five, my Lord," replied St. Peter.

"Ah yes, these beings are constantly on their feet, so they benefit from having less nerve endings there. Do the same for woman," said the Lord.

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter.

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Four hundred and twenty, my Lord," replied St. Peter.

"Of course we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.

"Yes, my Lord," said St. Peter.

"No, wait," said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand! I want her to scream my name!"

Well, now you know!



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