THE WEEKLY RIOT
October 23, 1998 Edition
I live in Truth.
And I have my being in Truth.
I live by saying what is in my Heart.
Ancient Egypt Inscription
And I have my being in Truth.
I live by saying what is in my Heart.
Ancient Egypt Inscription
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION (From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
1. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
2. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
THIS WEEK'S INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES
"Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself." Rita Mae Brown
"I feel sure that no girl would go to the altar if she knew all." Queen Victoria
" 'I hate men!' she says as she goes back for more." Katie Shulte
"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." Camus
"I'm worn out." --Cyn [Thanks to my sister Cyndy]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE(S)
What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
There were three girls in the fifth grade, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. Which one was more attractive?
The blonde, she was 18!
"North vs South"
A brunette from the South and a blonde from the North were seated side by side on a plane.
Being friendly, the woman from the South asked, "Where ya'll from?"
The Northern woman said, "From a place where they don't use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The woman from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So where ya'll from, Bitch?"
TOP 10 PROBLEMS WITH TANTRIC SEX
[Thanks to Brad]
10. You can't decide whether to leave the lights on or off; since both ways are just so damned exciting.
9. When you're absolutely exhausted and NOT in the mood, you're partner simply looks deep into your eyes and sets your libido ablaze.
8. You yearn for a simple quickie; but it always seems to last for hours and hours.
7. You yearn for routine, mechanical sex, but it's different every time.
6. One orgasm is just never enough IS IT?
5. You can't have sex in the morning unless you start at midnight the night before.
4. Sex doesn't end with an orgasm, it begins with one.
3. Sex doesn't end.
2. Orgasms never end.
1. The bed is one huge wet spot which you BOTH contributed to; so you BOTH have to sleep in it.
20 WAYS TO CONFUSE TRICK-OR-TREATERS
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.
COURTROOM DRAMA (?)
[Thanks to Sean]
These are excerpts from actual court documents, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
MORE FROM THE NEVER-ENDING STARR REPORT
[Thanks again to Brad]
Crime Lab 2A-3356N, Wash DC
DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson
Dear Mr. Starr:
The test on the dress came back inconclusive.
Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.
Best Regards
MISCELLANEOUS LAWS AND QUOTES
- All generalizations are bad. R. H. Grenier
- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright
- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room temperature. Steven Wright
- If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. Kasspe
- Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. Manly's Maxim
- Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers. Grossman's Misquote
- Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it. Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle
- How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. Zall's Second Law
- Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet. Flucard's Corollary
- Proofreading is more effective after publication. Barker
- Paper is always strongest at the perforations. Corry
17 OR SO THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN --
WISDOM FROM DAVE BERRY
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of it's glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle, or in some cases really bad make-up too.
12. You should not confuse your career with your life.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
16. Your friends love you, anyway.
17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
AH, THE MIRACLES OF SCIENCE...
[Thanks to Sharon]
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it and agreed.
The doctor set the knob to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home from the hospital, they found the mailman dead on their front porch.
ASK MARILYN
Excerpts from the syndicated column of Marilyn Vos Savant ("Ask Marilyn") where she lists some of the most perplexing questions that readers have sent in.
- "How do they fit all that hot air into blow dryers? Why don't they ever run out?"
- "Do oysters get bored? How can you tell?"
- "I say that a song popular during the 1950's went 'Oooh eee ooh ah ah wing wang walla bing bang, ooh eee ooh ah ah wing wang walla walla bing bang.' My boyfriend insists it went, 'Oooh eee ooh ah ah ching chang walla bing bang, ooh eee ooh ah ah ching chang walla walla bing bang.' Who is correct?"
- "Could you please tell me the number of shades of green? After driving around and looking at the scenery, I've decided there must be many."
- "Is the earth at a different angle in the morning than it is at night? In the morning I have to put something against the front door to hold it open. At night, it stays open by itself."
- "I've heard that people have magnetism in their noses. Is this true?"
- "It appears to me that in the past 100 years, an overwhelming amount of progress has been made in the world. What did all those people do for the first 2000 years?"
- "I do not understand women. Would the study of quantum mechanics help?"
- "If M&Ms melt in your mouth but not in your hands, what about your underarm? I want to test it, but my mom won't let me."
SOME THOUGHTS ON MARRIAGE
- Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
- At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
- After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
- A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
- When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
- Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
- Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
- "The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."
- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
- You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
- During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
- Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
- According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
- Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
- My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
- How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
- First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
IF MEN PLANNED WEDDINGS
- There would be a "Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.
- Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cutoffs and halter tops.
- They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.
- Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that "forsaking all others" part.
- Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."
- There would be "Tailgate Receptions."
- Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
- Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up. Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.
- No one would bother with that "Veil Routine." But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go. The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what's the difference) or something.
- Invitations would read as follows:
"Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain. He's getting married.
He either:
A) Knocked her up
B) Couldn't get a different roommate, or
C) Caved in to her ultimatum.
Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium on the 50-yard line at half-time during Sundays game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for beer, nachos and pizza. Oh yeah, BYOB.
THE RULES (or " Damn! I Should've Married a Blonde!)
A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."
TOP GUN???
These are alleged to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem:"The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
NEOSYLLOGISMS FOR WORD LOVERS
[Thanks again to Brad]
- Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
- Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
- Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
- Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
- Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
- Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
- Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
- Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
- Faunacated (adj.)-- How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
- Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
- Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
- Hemaglobe (n.)-- The bloody state of the world.
- Intaxication (n.)-- Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
- Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
- Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
LITERARY SKILLS
[Thanks to Peter]
A koala bear meets a hooker in a bar and they decide to go back to her place. They get undressed, the koala bear proceeds to perform oral sex on the hooker for 3 hours straight and she has multiple orgasms. Afterwards, as he starts putting his clothes back on, the hooker says, "Oh my god, that was great! But now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs.
The hooker says, "No, I really need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make my living." The koala bear just looks at her and continues getting dressed. The hooker gets up, goes to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary, thumbs through it until she gets to "hooker" and hands it to the koala bear. It reads, "hooker (hook' er) n. 1. A person who has sex for money. 2. A prostitute."
The koala bear looks at her, then thumbs through the dictionary until he reaches "koala bear", then hands it to the hooker and walks out the door. Dumfounded, the hooker looks down at the dictionary and reads, "koala bear (ko-a' le bar) n. An Australian arboreal marsupial having dense gray fur that eats bushes and leaves."
THE TEST
Two Trojan football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Aloha Bowl the following week.
The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ____."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
THE PARTY
The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.
Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. .... This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.
A WOMAN'S LITTLE INSTRUCTION BOOK
[Thanks to Craig]
- Women don't make fools of men; most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
- The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
- Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
- Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
- Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
- Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.
- What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
- So many men, so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
- If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
- Tell him you're not his type, you have a pulse.
- Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
- Go for younger men. You might as well they never mature anyway.
- Men are all the same; they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
- Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
- If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
- A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh alright, I'll stay the night."
- Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
- Sadly, all men are created equal.
- When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
- The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend'.
- There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.
- There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men strong, caring, loving. They'd be wrong, but you could still use them.
A FRACTURED FAIRY TALE
[Thanks again to Brad and Craig]
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone in distress at the side of the road. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
Lo and behold, there stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an awful accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
WHO WAS THE SURVIVOR? SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWER.
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus, and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
NOTE: WOMEN STOP READING HERE; THAT IS THE END OF THE JOKE.
NOTE: MEN CONTINUE SCROLLING.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident in the first place.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
