THE WEEKLY RIOT
November 13, 1998
"Far away there in the sky are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and follow where they lead."
— Louisa May Alcott
"I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.
— Anne Frank
WELL, I BELIEVE IN HUMANITY WITH PERHAPS ONE GLARING EXCEPTION...
I DO KNOW SOMEONE WHO'S A SWIVING REEKY, RUTTISH, VENOMED, LUMPISH, WARPED, DOGHEARTED, VILLAINOUS, EARTH-VEXING, HALF-FACED, HELL-HATED, MILK-LIVERED, SHEEP-BITING, SWAG-BELLIED, URCHIN-SNOUTED, ICE-WEASEL...
[Thanks to Twila]
(Wow, thanks Twila — I feel SO much effin — ah, I mean swiving better now...)
Find yourself tempted to say that effin word too often? Modern language is rather uninventive when it comes to expletives, contenting itself with a paucity of four letter equivalents for the range of human distress.
Elizabethans took a delight with language, weaving together terms to form stinging phrases of wit. These equivalents are not only fun, but don't make parents with children glare at you. You could say fie or you could swear by God's teeth or wounds. As a tradesman, you might swear by your hammer or tongs, or any other object of untarnished purity. Good Elizabethans would not, as a rule, swear by Odin's beard or similar heresy. Should that eff-word be particularly required, the learned Elizabethan would employ the common verb "swive".
To create your own curses, memorize some choice terms from the list below, two adjectives and a noun minimum per curse please.
Out of my path, thou Spongy Rat-Faced Foot Licker!
Combine one word from each of the three columns below, prefaced with "Thou":Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 artless base-court apple-john bawdy bat-fowling baggage beslubbering beef-witted barnacle bootless beetle-headed bladder churlish boil-brained boar-pig cockered clapper-clawed bugbear clouted clay-brained bum-bailey craven common-kissing canker-blossom currish crook-pated clack-dish dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb droning doghearted codpiece errant dread-bolted death-token fawning earth-vexing dewberry fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker goatish fly-bitten fustilarian gorbellied folly-fallen giglet impertinent fool-born gudgeon infectious full-gorged haggard jarring guts-griping harpy loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger mangled hell-hated jolthead mewling idle-headed lewdster paunchy ill-breeding lout pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie puking knotty-pated malt-worm puny milk-livered mammet quailing motley-minded measle rank onion-eyed minnow reeky plume-plucked miscreant roguish pottle-deep moldwarp ruttish pox-marked mumble-news saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg spongy rude-growing pignut surly rump-fed puttock tottering shard-borne pumpion unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane vain spur-galled scut venomed swag-bellied skainsmate villainous tardy-gaited strumpet warped tickle-brained varlet wayward toad-spotted vassal weedy urchin-snouted whey-face yeasty weather-bitten wagtail
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION (FROM THE INFAMOUS "LEXICON OF LOVE")
WANTS & NEEDS (wontz and nedz) n. —
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
"Tis better to have loved and lost than to live with that bitch/bastard for the rest of your life." — D.C. Moore
"Sometimes I think I couldn't run for political office because I'm too honest and straightforward. Then I remember that I have a gift for self-delusion that could take me right to the top." — Brandon Eldridge
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself." — Mark Twain
"The word 'politics' is derived from the word poly, meaning 'many', and the word ticks, meaning 'blood sucking parasites'." — Larry Hardiman
"A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits." — Woodrow Wilson
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
LOS ANGELES, CA (AP) — Organizers of the first "National Orgasm Week" held this year were very disappointed with the results obtained. It seems at least three-quarters of the women polled just pretended to celebrate it.
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1998, Jim Rosenberg
The Midwest dug out Wednesday from the first snowstorm of the season, a pre-winter blast that left more than a million people without power.
It was so bad, Liddy Dole had to order American Red Cross choppers to airlift in husband Bob's Viagra.
Monica Lewinsky is set to give her first interview — to British TV.
The special will feature a brief "Benny Hill" style episode, with speeded-up reenactments of President Clinton chasing Lewinsky around the Oval Office.
The Wall Street Journal says the Clinton administration is considering another antismoking campaign in 1999 that could include higher cigarette taxes.
*No mercy* for the oral fixation of others, but complete forgiveness for his own.
A new study says pregnancy may make women smarter.
At least three of the male scientists admit, however, that they were too frightened of the women to state otherwise.
In San Francisco, multiple murder suspect Joshua Rudiger told police he is a 2,000-year-old vampire who thrives on drinking blood.
He confided to friends he was going to say he was chipping golf balls when the murders occurred, but that it "didn't sound believable."
--== THE DAILY PROBE ==--
Copyright © 1998, Chris White
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL (DPI)-- The space shuttle Discovery made a perfect landing in sunny Florida over the weekend. NASA officials were ecstatic that everything went as planned, but were perplexed over one small problem: Senator John Glenn's ego refuses to come down to earth. "His ego is still floating sky high up there somewhere in orbit" said NASA spokeswoman Ivanna B. Pilot. "We can try a rescue mission sometime in December, but that particular payload will be so big by then, we might not be able to fit it inside the payload bay doors."
Reached for comment, Glenn's only response was "Stupid friggin' people, I asked for orange Metamucil!" — Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI)-- Newt Gingrich shocked the world of politics and the nation yesterday by tendering his resignation as Speaker of the House so he can return to his first love, professional wrestling. Gingrich was a popular and successful wrestling figure in the early 70's, when he was known as "The Doughboy", until he quit to pursue career in politics. Taking responsibility for the bad showing by his party in last Tuesday's elections, Gingrich wants to return to the saner world of Professional Wrestling. "Vince McMahan called me and said they were running short of villains in the WWF. He said my return was a natural," said Gingrich.
Former and future opponent Hulk Hogan commented, "If you think the Republican party took a beating under Gingrich's leadership in these last elections, wait until he sees the beating I'm gonna give him in the ring!" No word yet on what name Gingrich will wrestle under. — Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, etc.
"I would like to buy this TV," she stated upon her return to the store.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she finally exclaimed, "How in the hell do you always know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
THE TOP 13 ITEMS ON NEWT GINGRICH'S TO-DO LIST
BACKGROUND: In the aftermath of the dismal showing by the Republican Party in last week's elections, Newt Gingrich, chief architect of the Republicans' "Contract With America," announced that he will retire from Congress rather than risk the embarrassment of being ousted by his own party from his position as Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives.
13. Bribe college officials into letting me teach an ethics class.
12. Before turning in House MasterCard, book first class tickets for urgent fact-finding mission to Tahiti.
11. 1) Borrow another $300,000 from Bob Dole
2) Go to The Gap
3) Buy Trans Am
4) Grow goatee
5) Hire interns
10. Switch to new, cooler nickname: "Salamander"
9. Now that I've got some time, put flowers on first wife's grave.
8. Nothing out of the ordinary: Write a few articles, make a couple of luncheon speeches, do some needlepoint.
7. 1) Dismantle social programs: Done.
2) Restructure tax laws to further benefit the wealthy: Done.
3) Have democratically-elected President impeached for getting some: ...Damn!
6. Put a stop payment on most recent check to Paula Jones.
5. Retain lawyer for breach of contract suit against Satan.
4. Promote newest book: "Quitting for Dummies"
3. Reduce dosage of mean-bastard pills.
2. Call Limbaugh and Buchanan about "3 Windbags" mega-tour.
And Top5's Number 1 Item on Newt Gingrich's To-Do List...
1. Tell Democrats that their lips "can make a contract with my ass."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
BUREAUCRACY (AND SOCIETY IN GENERAL) EXPLAINED...
(The sum of society's intelligence is less than the average of it's individual parts...)
1. Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
2. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result — all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
3. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.
4. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
5. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
6. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
7. After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.
Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"Because that's the way it's ALWAYS been done around here."
NEW VIRUSES ALERT!!!
[Thanks to my sister, Cyn]
Ellen Degeneres virus — Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Monica Lewinsky virus — Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Titanic virus — Makes your whole computer go down.
Disney virus — Everything in the computer goes Goofy.
Mike Tyson virus — Quits after one byte.
Prozac virus — Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Sharon Stone virus — Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Lorena Bobbit virus — Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Tonya Harding virus — Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
Tim Allen virus — Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
Woody Allen virus — Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Saddam Hussein virus — Won't let you into any of your programs
George Michaels virus — Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virus — Only attacks minor files
X-files virus — All your Icons start shapeshifting
Spice Girl virus — Has no real function, but makes your desktop look good
Ronald Reagan virus — Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus — Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Martha Stewart virus — Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop
Oprah Winfrey virus — Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
AT&T virus — Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
MCI virus — Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus — Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."--Camus
"I'm worn out." — Cyn
[Thanks to John and his friend Linda]
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
THE OFFICIAL GUIDE TO MARITAL SEX
There are five kinds of sex involved in a marriage:
1. Smurf Sex:
This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2. Everywhere Sex:
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime.
3. Bedroom Sex:
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4. Hallway Sex:
This is where you pass each other the hallway and say, "Screw you!"
5. Courtroom Sex:
This is when you get divorced and your spouse screws you in front of everyone in court.
INTERSPECIES COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS (PART 1)
WHAT A WOMAN SAYS:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"
WHAT A MAN HEARS:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!
INTERSPECIES COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS (PART 2)
THE OFFICIAL GUIDE TO SUBLIMINAL PHRASES
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means... "I have no idea how it works."
"We're going to be late."
Really means... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means... "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means... "Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie."
Really means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before l admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
WHAT WOMEN REALLY MEAN
"We need to talk"
Really means... "I need to complain."
"I'm not upset"
Really means... "Of course I'm upset, you moron."
Really means... "You need a shave and a shower."
"Be romantic, turn out the lights"
Really means... "I have flabby thighs."
"Size doesn't matter"
Really means... "G-U-L-L-I-B-L-E."
"The kitchen is so inconvenient"
Really means... "I want a new house."
"Hang the picture there"
Really means... "No, I mean hang it there."
"I heard a noise"
Really means... "I noticed you were almost asleep."
"Do you love me?"
Really means... "I'm thinking about buying something really expensive."
"How much do you love me?"
Really means... "I did something today you're really not going to like."
"You have to learn to communicate"
Really means... "Just agree with me."
"Are you listening to me?"
Really means... "Too late mister, you're dead."
"Do you like this recipe?"
Really means... "It's easy to make so you'd better get used to it."
"I'm not yelling"
Really means... "Of course I'm yelling ... this is important."
"It's your decision"
Really means... "The correct decision should be obvious to you too, by now."
"Do what you want"
Really means... "You'll pay for this later."
Really means... "You'll pay for this later."
Really means... "You'll pay for this later."
DEEP THOUGHTS ON SEX AND LOVE
[Thanks to Craig]
- The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
- Nothing improves with age.
- No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
- Sex has no calories.
- Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
- Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
- There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
- Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
- Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
- A man in the house is worth two in the street.
- If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
- Virginity can be cured.
- When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
- Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
- The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
- Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
- The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
- Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
- The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
- It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
- Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
- Love is a hole in the heart.
- If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
- Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
- Do it only with the best.
- Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
- One good turn gets most of the blankets.
- You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
- Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
- Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
- Never argue with a women when she's tired — or rested.
- A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
- It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
- A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
- Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
- Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
- Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
- There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
DISORDER IN THE COURT
During courtroom proceedings, all utterings are noted by a clerk. Here are some of the most humorous ones, as collected by Mary Louise Gilman. These and more can be found in the following books, "Humor in the Court" 1977 and "More Humor in the Court" 1997.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch — and she did!
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
Q. Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
ASK SLICK SHARKY, ESQ.
Attorney at Raw
Dear Mr. Sharkey,
Can you explain what the Microsoft antitrust suit is all about?
Sherman Clayton, Easterbrook, IL
Dear Mr. Clayton,
Federal antitrust laws prevent companies from gaining a monopoly and using their market power to abuse consumers and to prevent competitors from entering the market. Think of the game Monopoly. The government is accusing Bill Gates of controlling the game so that he always gets to be the dog. The Department of Justice is upset about this, because Janet Reno wants to be the dog. Most legal observers agree that she really does deserve to be the dog, or possibly a bull, but of course there is no bull in a Monopoly game, so she should be the dog. The government alleges that Microsoft so dominates the computer market that if anyone wants to buy a hotel, say on Baltic Avenue, he has to install Microsoft Internet Explorer in the hotel even though it's just a small piece of plastic without Internet access of any kind. Although the case is already in its fourth week, there is still hope that a deal can be worked out whereby the government will drop the suit in exchange for Microsoft installing free Internet porn access codes on all DOJ computers and putting a link on Microsoft's webpage to Attorney General Reno's 24-hour-a-day webcam.
THE TOP 15 REASONS YOU DIDN'T WIN THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST
15. The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round ass, not the other way around.
14. Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume was actually more nauseating than scary.
13. Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party — four times.
12. Your beret kept falling off every time you knelt down.
11. No one could tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.
10. Much to your surprise, three other people also came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.
9. After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that the burrito dinner hadn't been such a good idea after all.
8. The Nike swoosh — while obscene to some — was just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.
7. "Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of that??"
6. Your kindergarten students failed to see the irony in your "Road Kill Barney" costume.
5. Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress was not *really* the President's semen.
4. Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Celeron Chip" costume was a big hit all day with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.
3. In order to enter, you would have had to log off the Internet — and pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?
2. Looks like "Viagra Man" spent Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.
And the Number 1 Reason You Didn't Win the Halloween Costume Contest...
1. You couldn't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White