THE WEEKLY RIOT
November 20, 1998
"Be a god and hold me
With a charm!
Be a man and fold me
With thine arm!"
— Robert Browning, from "A Woman's Last Word"
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION (From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
Sob! Pierre, my temperamental, arrogant little French hamster (in my state-of-the-art Hamster2000 computer) ate this week's Riot last night (yes, I rushed the little rodent to the emergency room, even though he is a distant relative of the ex...). It was a good one this week though — it went something like this:
female: the breathtakingly beautiful and profound act of joining souls together for a man and a woman through physical union
male: what you have to call "boinking" to get women to do it
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
"I've looked at love from both sides now — but I still like it on top best." — Jim Rosenberg
"If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the head. Oh sure, it seems obvious now, but you'd be amazed at how many people don't think of it when it's relevant. Just punch them in the head. And then go get some ice cream." — R.M. Weiner
"I hate the saying 'nice guys finish last'. Every nice guy I've dated finished first and didn't last." — Kate Hoffman
"As I watched the beautiful sunset, the meaning of life suddenly dawned on me. Of course, I promptly forgot because the circumstances were so ironic." — Jim Morse
"I think if I could turn my mind into some kind of amusement park ride, it would be really successful. It scares ME half the time and I know what's in it." — R.M. Weiner
"If the idle mind is the devil's workshop, then I must be the devil's Home Depot right about now." — Scott E. Frank
(Copyright 1998, Chris White)
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1998, Jim Rosenberg
Under a new law, prostitutes in Germany may soon be able to claim full state pensions, unemployment benefit and other employee rights.
In the U.S., prostitutes must still rely on book, TV, and motion picture deals for compensation.
Scientists said Thursday they had used cloning technology to fuse human and cow cells in an attempt to grow organs for transplant in a laboratory dish.
Insert your own [Linda Tripp] [Marge Schott] [Roseanne] joke here.
The University of Texas has announced plans to reopen the tower from which sniper Charles Whitman killed 16 people in 1966.
It will be marketed as a vacation getaway for postal workers.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Craig]
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother!"
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
"Yes, anything!" replies the blonde.
The man walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does. He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. He then says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello, Mom?"
POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMINOLOGY
[Thanks to Craig]
• He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
• He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.
• He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
• He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.
• He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
• He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
• He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
• You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.
• He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.
• His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Under-circulated.
• He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.
• You do not kiss him; you become Facially Conjoined.
• He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
• He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
• He is not short; he is Anatomically Compact.
• He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.
• He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
• He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.
• He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.
• He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
• He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.
• He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.
• He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.
• You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.
• He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
THE TOP 12 ACRONYMS LEAST USED IN PERSONAL ADS
12. UYFSOMWPOV — Ugly Yet Financially Secure Older Male With Plenty Of Viagra
11. JRLA — Janet Reno Look-Alike
10. POJHFC — President Of Jesse Helms Fan Club
9. CWP — Cigar-Wielding President
8. RHMI — Really Hip Macarena Instructor
7. HAWGSOH — Heroin Addict With Great Sense Of Humor
6. VEBJ — Very Expensive Boob Job
5. STLSM — Showtune Loving Straight Male
4. SWFWHBTP — Single White Female Who Has Blown The President
3. EHWC — Extremely Hairy White Chick
2. WARSADAP — Works At Radio Shack And Drives A Pinto
and the Number 1 Acronym Least Used In Personals Ads...
1. MSG S/G W/B M/F KOP WPFYB — Moonwalking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
JARGON DU JOUR
[Thanks to Brad for some of these — Brad's Home Page ]
Adminisphere — The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Assmosis — The process by which some people seem to absorb success
and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Blamestorming — Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
CLM (Career Limiting Move) — Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Chainsaw Consultant — An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
Flight Risk — Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
Generica — Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
404 — Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him, he's 404, man."
Keyboard Plaque — The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond — That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance — The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie Dogging — When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Salmon Day — The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Seagull Manager — A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops over everything and then leaves.
Umfriend — A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dale, my...um...friend."
Yuppie Food Stamps — The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as on an overpass.
Contratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers.
Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Guillozine: a magazine for executioners.
Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: all talk and no action.
Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room.
Eunouch: the pain of castration.
Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.
Acme: a generic skin disease.
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Newtspaper: the Washington Times.
Nazigator: an overbearing member of your carpool.
IF MEN *REALLY* RULED THE WORLD, LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH *SIMPLER*
• Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
• Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
• Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?"cards.
• When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
• Breaking up would be a lot easier. A "See you later." would pretty much do it.
• Drinking any type of beer would be a 100%-effective birth control method.
• Your resume references would never be checked.
• Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
• The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
• "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night." would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
• At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow, and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
• It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets and pillage a nearby town.
• Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
• Women in bars would fall into your arms whenever you said, "Come here often?"
• Tanks would be far easier to rent.
• Garbage would take itself out.
• Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
• Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you would be expected to present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
• Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
• On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. And your birthday.
• St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. Only it would be celebrated every month.
AND IF WOMEN *REALLY* RULED THE WORLD, MEN WOULD KNOW ALL THESE BY HEART AND PRACTICE THEM CONSTANTLY...
Top 21 Ways To Make A Woman Fall In Love With You
1. Call her the next day.
2. Always laugh at her jokes.
3. Tell her (truthfully) that you can't wait to see her again.
4. Offer her a backrub, without asking for one in return.
5. Call her just to say you were thinking about her.
6. Bring her a teddy bear and chicken soup when she's sick.
7. Write her a poem.
8. Slow dance with her (not only on a dance floor).
9. Bring her flowers for no reason.
10. Send her a (handwritten) letter just to say hello.
11. Always remember your anniversaries and bring her something sweet.
12. Kiss her in the middle of a sentence.
13. Take her for a walk at sunset and stay to look up at the stars.
14. Tell her something about you that no one else knows.
15. Remind her that you still think she's beautiful.
16. Take a bubble bath together.
17. Watch a sappy movie with her.
18. Surprise her with a candle light dinner.
19. Never stop trying to impress her.
20. Tell her you love her (truthfully!)
21. Never forget how much she means to you.
THE TOP 12 ARTICLES IN "GIRL SCOUT COSMOPOLITAN" (Part I)
12. The New "Tripp" Badge: Tips on Taping Your Friends' Phone Calls
11. Den Mothers Who Spank — and the Scouts Who Like It!
10. The 5 Warning Signs of Cooties
9. Love Across The Lake: Am I Just Another Badge On His Sash?
8. Good Girls Get Badges, Bad Girls Get Mink
7. Oxy-*50*? It's closer than you think!
6. The Cookie Makeover: Thinner Mints in 7 Days
5. Real-Life Adventures: "I Slipped the Tongue to a Really Cute Guy While Giving Him CPR"
4. How To Tell If Your Scoutmaster Watches "Ellen"
3. Give Him S'More: Make-out Tips That'd Make Your Troop Leader Blush!
2. I Was a 78-lb Tub of Lard
and Top5's Number 1 Article in "Girl Scout Cosmopolitan"...
1. Locating Your "Gee, I'll Sell Cookies Here" Spot
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
[Thanks to Craig]
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."
TOP 25 EXCUSES WHEN YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING IN YOUR CUBICLE
1. I was just waiting for the mighty 386 computer you gave me to finish compiling the data on the work efficiency project.
2. It's okay, I'm still billing the client
3. This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
4. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
5. I was working smarter, not harder.
6. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
7. I'm in the management training program
8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper
9. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
10. Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
11. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
12. I'm increasing everyone else's productivity by reducing my oxygen consumption.
13. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance
14. I was up all night tracking down hackers that were trying to break into our system. Luckily I was able to hold them off!
15. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?
16. Testing my cubicles sleeping conditions satisfies ISO-9000 norms.
17. Quickly say "Amen" and explain that you were just praying for the wisdom to "work smarter, not harder"
18. Me, snoring? No, that was my floppy drive!
19. If I sleep in my cubicle, I can spend more time in the office because I don't have to sleep at home.
20. Statistics prove that people who take a short nap after lunch get more accomplished than people who don't.
21. I got wrapped up with my project last night and haven't gone home yet, I must have dozed off.
22. Recent developments in computer monitor design allow me to project information directly onto my eyelids.
23. I was just testing my eyelids for holes. So far I haven't found any, but I must keep looking!
24. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
25. Hypnotized by my screen saver.
EIGHT THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A MAN SAY:
8. Here honey, you use the remote.
7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.
EIGHT THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A WOMAN SAY:
8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'.
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.
1. I'm only going out with him to try and get into his pants.