THE WEEKLY RIOT
November 27, 1998
"To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest citizens and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of one's self; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived — this is to have succeeded."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
THIS WEEK'S DEFINITION (From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")
Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house. We had an enormous feast. Then I killed them and took their land." — Unknown
"If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut." — Albert Einstein
"If you were a girl with a giant burrito for a body, you'd have to be careful when boys asked you out, because you'd never know if they were interested in your personality or if they just wanted to eat you."
"If ignorance is bliss then I must be the happiest thingamajigee in the whatchamacallit!"
"I told my boss I felt sick and wanted to go home, and he said, 'You don't look sick.' So I threw up on him. I can pretty much go home whenever I want now."
"Whenever I have a birthday, I think back over the past year, how I've spent my time, what I've accomplished, what regrets I have, how I've tried to make the world a better place, and what exactly I've been doing with my life over the past 365 days, and I think to myself, 'Man, I wish I'd gotten laid more'."
"Some people say that everyone has a few skeletons in their closet. Not me. Well, not yet anyway. I mean, the bodies are still decomposing."
"I entered the Failure of the Year competition and came in last. They gave me the trophy and then took it away."
Copyright © 1998, R.M. Weiner
YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1998, Jim Rosenberg
Two Texas men arrested for having sex in a private home pleaded no contest to sodomy charges Friday, setting in motion a court challenge to a state law criminalizing gay and lesbian sexual conduct.
I think this might be that "giant sucking sound" that Texan Ross Perot was talking about.
A three-year study by Simon Fraser University psychologists has found that people who sit on juries are unable to comprehend the instructions set out to guide their decision-making.
This confirms similar earlier findings conducted by *just about anyone with a television and a brain*.
A California woman has been sentenced to six months jail for using stolen credit card numbers to buy $8,000 worth of Beanie Babies.
Someone please check their Bible — what's the final sign before the Apocalypse?
Paramount's "The Rugrats Movie" opened at No. 1 with a three-day weekend box office gross of about $28.1 million.
This far exceeds viewership for the other event featuring babies endlessly bickering over nothing at all — the house impeachment hearings.
Watergate veteran Sam Dash, Kenneth Starr's ethics adviser, resigned Friday.
He echoed the thoughts of many of Starr's team declaring, "all the really sexy stuff is over — what's the point?"
--== THE DAILY PROBE ==--
Copyright © 1998, Chris White
WASHINGTON DC (DPI) — At last week's impeachment hearing, Kenneth Starr testified that it doesn't matter that President Clinton never asked Monica to lie or promised a job for her silence and angrily denied that he ever illegally commented to the press about secret grand jury information, because he does not view certain kinds of communication to be "commenting." Starr then stripped out of the Gestapo uniform he was wearing, revealing a daring sequined teddy, and performed the dance of the seven veils on committee chairman Henry Hyde's desk.
Meanwhile, in Japan discussing Asia's economic crisis, Clinton celebrated the opening of the impeachment hearings by visiting a Tokyo geisha house and "stimulating the Japanese economy." When questioned by reporters, the President stated that it was okay for him to cavort with the geishas because any sexual romping while in Japan was "not in violation of the laws of my country." Japanese officials were somewhat taken aback by the publicity and excitement following the President, but were ecstatic that he didn't vomit on any of them. — Reported by Jonathan Colan
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performances as lovers. The first woman says "My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and ties me up sometimes when we have sex. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
LETTERS TO THE PRESIDENT
[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Home Page ]
As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was President I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.
Okay, so I'll never be President, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!
My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.
They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you!
Mayor Marion Berry
Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on TV for the fall.
Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't really sex.
Warm personal regards,
Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime.
Dear Mr. President:
Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there!
Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas
Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoa, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!
Dear Mr. President:
I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.
Dear Fellow Sinner:
Jesus forgives you and so do I.
Rev. Jimmy Swaggart
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.
Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!!
If I survived being a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, ha ha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor.)
HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales
Dear Mr. President:
We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.
The Editors, Cigar Aficionado Magazine
MARTIANS vs VENUSIANS
CHAPTER 3,283,727,090,763,789,889 OF THE NEVER-ENDING SAGA...
[Thanks to John]
You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Lisa (last name deleted) and Dave (last name deleted) First, the Assignment:
California State University, Hayward
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
And now, the Assignment as submitted by Lisa & Dave:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth — when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semiliterate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
TOP TEN ONLINE LIES
[Thanks to Sharon]
10. "I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend."
9. "You're different, I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before."
8. "I'm new on line and haven't had time to create a profile...but tell me more about yourself."
7. "I never do cybersex!!!!! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm gettin' excited!"
6. "Yes, of course I'm female."
5. "No, this is my only screen name...You mean you can have more than one??"
4. 'I'm 5'4", blonde, blue eyes, and guys love my body!"
3. "I'm not like most guys here, I just want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other." (yeah, at the *hotel* coffee shop?)
2. "I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts." (which is true, except in this case it means "I'm horny and could care less...just type")
AND THE NUMBER ONE ONLINE LIE IS
1. "Tonight my love... our souls have touched..."
THE TOP 12 ARTICLES IN "GIRL SCOUT COSMOPOLITAN" (Part II)
12. Brass and Shoe Polish: Spice Up That Paramilitary Uniform!
11. Coping Strategies for Post-Jamboree Depression
10. QUIZ: Does He Just Want You For Your Wienie Roasting Abilities?
9. Slimming That Figure Without Tossing Your Cookies
8. Twelve Steps to Zero Spice
7. "Does this scarf make my ass look big?": 5 Flattering Designer Uniforms, Each Under $3,000
6. Your Beret: A Surefire Way to Land a Super-Cute Guy!
5. 20 REALLY Cool Uses for Those Knot-Tying Skills
4. The "NonFat" S'Mores Method: Binge! Purge! Enjoy!
3. Threesomes: Starting a Fire with Two Sticks
2. The Flavored Lip Gloss Diet!
and Top5's Number 1 Article in "Girl Scout Cosmopolitan"...
1. "What Do You Need From Me to Buy These Today?": Closing the Thin Mint Deal
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:
[Thanks to Sharon]
ON A HAIRDRYER:
*Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.
FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
*Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:
*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
*Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
*Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE:
*Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
*Warning: Keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
*For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
*Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
*Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON A CAR SUN SHADE
*Do not operate car while shade is in place.
[Thanks to Sharon]
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard. In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."
ASK SLICK SHARKY, ESQ.
Attorney at Raw
Dear Mr. Sharky,
What do you think will be the important issues decided by the
Supreme Court this year?
Mrs. Palsgraff, Blackacre, New York
Dear Mrs. Palsgraff,
Many interesting cases are before the Court this year. In Soda v. Pop, the Court will determine whether midwestern slang can be used as the controlling interpretation of a contract. Based on previous opinions, expect Justice Breyer, a Boston resident, to author a 5-4 majority opinion in favor of Soda, calling midwesterners "corn-loving prairie-sexuals," quoting Justice Brandeis's famous phrase.
The separation of church and state will again rear its ugly rear, in Bethlehem, Pa. v. Althea Ist. Expect a Scalia dissent, in his typical iambic pentameter, from the opinion disapproving of Bethlehem's public statute of Christ's birth in a Judean coal mine, and Justice Thomas to ask Ms. Ist if she wants to touch the "tablet of the law." The most significant decision this year, however, is expected to be a hotly worded 8-1 opinion that Justice O'Connor's frilly white scarf makes her look fat in that gown.
Personal note to Greta Van Susteran: I hear you're a Scientologist. Baby, if you want to submit your life to the control of self-serving schemers with easy answers, why didn't you come to me?
Copyright © 1998, Chris White
DEEP THOUGHTS FOR THANKSGIVING — THE WISDOM OF THE ELDERS
About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.
Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon.
The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.
Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.
Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."
A THANKSGIVING POEM...
[Thanks to John]
I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there,
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home.
From the car, I carried you & threw the door.
Looking at you, I admire your body,
Your well shaped legs, and breasts.
Slowly I remove what wraps,
around your body so tightly,
fitting you like a glove.
Exposing your tender white skin.
From your neck I remove your charms,
and carry you off in my arms,
to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck,
flowing over your soft breasts then,
making your legs glisten with wetness.
Droplets of water cover your taut skin.
My hands rub your body, mmmmm...
running them through the beads of water.
Making them trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist, so ready.
I carry your still dripping body,
to a laying place, so that I can
put inside you what was well
prepared to enter you before
we even came through the door.
As soon as I lay you down
your legs spread open wide.
You are ready now, and so am I.
I put a little in slowly at first,
getting a feel for how much you can take in.
I put in more, you take it willingly.
In anticipation, faster and faster
I put it in, pushing it in deeply
as far as I can, until I can't
put any more in, you are so tight.
With your legs wrapped tightly,
not wanting to release any of it,
I make you so hot for a very long time,
until your sweet juices escape from within.
Then I taste you, with my tongue at first,
your skin is so soft and tender.
I taste more of you with my mouth,
you are so hot and moist, you taste so good.
Your juices coating my mouth,
making me drool in anticipation
of eating you more, with every taste.
"Oh yes," I say to you,
"I must say Grace"
"Thank Heaven for Butterball turkey... Amen"
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY
[Thanks to Deborah]
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another two drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take three more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take four whisks of drinkey
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself another pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for four hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
THINGS TO DO TO LIVEN UP THANKSGIVING DINNER
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that It's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing.
FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE OF THE SEASONSanta was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
(and it's not even Thanksgiving yet...)
[Thanks to Sharon]
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours — all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!
"I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...