THE WEEKLY RIOT
December 4, 1998





"Nature never repeats herself, and the possibilities of one human soul will never be found in another."
— Elizabeth Cady Stanton

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive,
and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. "
— Anais Nin

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.
They must be felt with the heart."
— Helen Keller



THIS WEEK'S DEFINITIONS
(From the Infamous "Lexicon of Love")

Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.




INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK

"All you need is love." — John Lennon

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars." — Unknown

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." — Jeff Stilson

"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a BIG knot and hang on." — Unknown

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." — Rita Mae Brown

"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off" — Unknown

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun." — Katherine Hepburn

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." — Lily Tomlin



YOUR WEEKLY TWISTED AFFIRMATIONS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM...

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.



IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:

--== THE DAILY MONOLOGUE ==--
Copyright © 1998, Jim Rosenberg



President Clinton provided responses Friday to 81 questions from the House Judiciary Committee, defending his grand jury testimony about the Monica Lewinsky affair.
Answer to question #72: "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

Paula Jones was Roseanne's guest for the entire hour-long show last Tuesday.
This is known, appropriately, as a "double-wide" segment.

Kremlin aides said Friday that President Boris Yeltsin, now in hospital with pneumonia, should be well enough to see out his remaining 18 months in office.
The Premier's spokesperson also called on American doctor Jack Kevorkian to please stop pestering the Kremlin with calls and letters.

Scientists studying endangered prairie chickens said Thursday they had confirmed that inbreeding can propel a species down the road to extinction.
The Interior Department has added "Jerry Springer guests" to the Endangered Species list.

Michael Kessler, a New York based counterfeiting expert, says phony Viagra tablets are flooding the market.
Tip: if your "Viagra" comes in multiple colors, has "M's" on it, and melts in your mouth and not in your hands — it may be counterfeit.

Dennis Rodman has annulled his marriage to Carmen Electra.
Reason: irreconcilable weirdnesses.

The gay porn industry holds its first-ever X-rated version of the Oscars in Los Angeles this Friday.
This is the only movie awards ceremony where the award for "Key Grip" is televised.

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates will donate $100 million to help immunize children in developing countries against meningitis and respiratory and diarrheal illnesses.
With the shot, however, the children will have Microsoft Internet Explorer 4.0 installed in them.



THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
[Thanks to Peter — CAUS - Citizens Against UFO Secrecy]

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"



COMPUTER GENDER
[Thanks to Ron — Psymon]

A pastor of a church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men.

Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender or the masculine gender. They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

  1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.


The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

  1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.




IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY...

THE OLD VERSION

If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....

THE NEW VERSIONS

Pessimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she doesn't comes back within some time
forget her.

Patient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back...

Playful:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *

Vengeful:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she doesn't come back,
Hunt her down and shoot her.

C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the
Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for reinstallation fees
and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
She'll evolve.

Statistician:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger Fan:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Overly Possessive:
If you love somebody
don't set her free.

HR Specialist:
If you love somebody
set her free
By Offering her VRS and other benefits
Then outsource her.

MBA:
If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnambulist:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

Rhett Butler:
If you love somebody
set YOURSELF FREE
If she asks you why
say you don't give a damn.

ERP Functional Expert:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis.

Finance Expert:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.



THE TOP 15 CHINESE TRANSLATIONS OF ENGLISH MOVIE TITLES

15. "Pretty Woman" — "I Will Marry a Prostitute to Save Money"
14. "Face/Off" — "Who Is Face Belonging To? I Kill You Again, Harder!"
13. "Leaving Las Vegas" — "I'm Drunk And You're a Prostitute"
12. "Interview With The Vampire" — "So, You Are a Lawyer?"
11. "The Piano" — "Ungrateful Adulteress! I Chop Off Your Finger!"
10. "My Best Friend's Wedding" — "Help! My Pretend Boyfriend Is Gay!"
9. "George of the Jungle" — "Big Dumb Monkey-Man Keeps Whacking Tree With Genitals"
8. "Scent of a Woman" — "Great Buddha! I Can Smell You From Afar! Take a Bath, Will You?!"
7. "Love, Valour, Compassion!" — "I Am That Guy From Seinfeld So It's Acceptable for Straight People to Enjoy This Gay Movie"
6. "Babe" — "The Happy Dumpling-to-be Who Talks And Solves Agricultural Problems"
5. "Twister" — "Run! Ruuunnnn! Cloudzillaaaaa!"
4. "Field of Dreams" — "Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield"
3. "Barb Wire" — "Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You"
2. "Batman & Robin" — "Come to My Cave and Wear This Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy"

      and the Number 1 Chinese Translation of an English Movie Title...

1. "The Crying Game" — "Oh No! My Girlfriend Has a Penis!"

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White






COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM
[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Home Page]


University of Illinois
Entrance exam
Football player version
Time limit: 3 weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions — or — give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
  1. build a bridge
  2. sail the ocean
  3. lead an army
  4. write a play


4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
  1. Jewish
  2. Catholic
  3. Hindu
  4. Polish
  5. Agnostic


5. Metric conversion — how many feet are in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (APPROX.)
8. What are the people in America's far north called?
  1. westerners
  2. southerners
  3. easterners
  4. northerners


9. Spell the following — Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does the rain come from?
  1. Macy's
  2. 7-11
  3. Canada
  4. The Sky


12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
  1. yes
  2. no


13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium — or — spell your name in block letters.
16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
  1. New York
  2. FLORIDA
  3. Canada
  4. Wisconsin


18. Advanced math: If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Company) stand for?
20. The University of Illinois tradition for efficiency began when?
  1. B.C.
  2. A.D.
  3. STILL WAITING


YOU MUST ANSWER THREE (3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY



THREE ARGUMENTS
[Thanks to John]

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:

  1. He never got married.
  2. He never held a steady job.
  3. His last request was a drink.


THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:

  1. His first name was Jesus.
  2. He was always in trouble with the law.
  3. His mother didn't know who his father was.


THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:

  1. He talked with his hands.
  2. He had wine with every meal.
  3. He worked in the building trades.


THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:

  1. He called everybody brother.
  2. He had no permanent address.
  3. Nobody would hire him.


THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:

  1. He never cut his hair.
  2. He walked around barefoot.
  3. He invented a new religion.


AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:

  1. He went into his father's business.
  2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
  3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure He was God.




20 REASONS DOGS DON'T USE COMPUTERS
[Thanks to John]

  1. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
  2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
  3. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
  4. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
  5. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
  6. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
  7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
  8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
  9. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
  10. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
  11. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
  12. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
  13. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
  14. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
  15. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
  16. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
  17. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
  18. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
  19. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
  20. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.




THE TOP 13 LITTLE KNOWN PHOBIAS

13. "Hey, this is a nude beach! I ain't getting in that cold water!"
— Shrinkaphobia

12. "Get that #$%#-ing vodka bottle away from me!!"
— Carmenelectraphobia

11. "He's coming straight for us--with his left turn signal on!"
— Oldfartophobia

10. "You have to push 'Start' to turn the damn computer off?!"
— Windophobia

9. "I won't go to your frat house to eat gyros and watch a tape of the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra on your old Sony VCR!"
— ThetaFetaMehtaBetaphobia

8. "Tonight on Paramount: 'Come quickly Gabrielle! We must s"
— Xenaphobia

7. "NO!! Don't call the plumber!!!"
— Buttcrackophobia

6. "No, I don't want to watch 'Friends'. That blonde chick freaks me out."
— Phoebephobia

5. "Um, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove?"
— Probeophobia

4. "You're busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?"
— Rentanotherpornophobia

3. "It's NOT my imagination! Senator Helms is looking at me *that* way again!"
— Homophobophobia

2. "Wait! If we impeach him, then the new President will be..."
— aGoreophobia

      and Top5's Number 1 Little Known Phobia...

1. "Honey, I bought a Corvette!"
— Smallpeniphobia

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White






DOG QUOTES
[Thanks to John]

"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?" — Unknown

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." — Andrew A. Rooney

"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up." — * DEEP THOUGHTS* by Jack Handy

"To err is human, to forgive, canine." — Unknown

"You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us." — Robert Louis Stevenson

"Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job." — Franklin P. Jones

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window." — Steve Bluestone



DEFINITIONS
[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Home Page]

Abdicate--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Carcinoma--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Esplanade--v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly--adj., impotent.
Flabbergasted--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent--adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph--v., to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle--n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard--n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee--n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash--n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle--n., a humorous question to an exam.
Semantics--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Marionettes--n., residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Oyster--n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent--n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.




50 REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A WOMAN
[Thanks to Brad]

  1. Free drinks.
  2. Free dinners.
  3. Free movies (you get the point).
  4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
  5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
  6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.
  7. Speeding ticket? What's that?
  8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
  9. You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically place in front of you in high school.
  10. If you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day you're not the devil.
  11. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
  12. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud.
  13. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
  14. You can sleep your way to the top.
  15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
  16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
  17. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
  18. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
  19. Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Mel Gibson,etc.
  20. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
  21. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected.
  22. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
  23. You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
  24. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
  25. If you think the person you're dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them.
  26. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
  27. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
  28. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass.
  29. If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
  30. You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
  31. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
  32. You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
  33. You have the ability to dress yourself.
  34. You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
  35. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
  36. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
  37. If you're wearing cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave.
  38. You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
  39. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
  40. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
  41. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
  42. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
  43. You've never had a goatee.
  44. Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.
  45. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
  46. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
  47. You'll never discover you've been duped by a Wonderbra.
  48. You don't have hair on your back.
  49. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
  50. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can understand.




ELEVEN REASONS E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS
[Thanks to Brad]

1. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
2. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
3. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
4. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call e-mail Envy.
5. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
7. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
8. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
9. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
10. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
11. If you play with it too much, you may go blind...



SAFE E-MAIL FAQ

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe E-MAIL?
A. Although married people E-MAIL quite often, there are many single people who E-MAIL to complete strangers every day.

Q. My parents say they never had E-MAIL when they were young and were only allowed to write their memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they can E-MAIL?
A. E-MAILing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedures.

Q. If I E-MAIL something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go to pay to E-MAIL, is this legal?
A. Yes! Many people have no other outlet for their E-MAIL drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to E-MAIL becomes too great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for E-MAILing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are E-MAILing to, a cover should be used to insure safe E-MAIL.

Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure, and I E-MAIL prematurely?
A. Don't panic, many people prematurely E-MAIL when they haven't E-MAILed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business E-MAIL, can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-E-MAILual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.



JOCKS ANONYMOUS!!
[Thanks to Brad]

Yep, they *really* said this stuff...

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." — Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"I've won at every level, except college and pro." — Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships.

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." — Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins.

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." — New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season.

"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' " He said, " 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " — Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." — Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.



SANTA IS A WOMAN
[Thanks to John]

 I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they — with amazing calm — call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:




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