T H E    W E E K L Y    R I O T
March 9, 2001

A human being is part of the whole, called by us universe, a part limited in time and space.  He experiences himself, his thoughts, and feelings as something separated from the rest.  A kind of optical delusion of his consciousness.  This delusion is a kind of prison, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us.  Our task must be to free from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature in its' beauty.

— Albert Einstein

(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)

Men were designed for short, nasty, brutal lives.  Women were designed for long, miserable ones. — Dr. Estelle Ramey

Making Love:  What women do while they're getting fucked.

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain.  And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

President Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton are apparently involved in a brand new controversy over a couch they took from the White House that critics say doesn't belong to them.  When asked about it, the former President said he needs that couch otherwise he'll have to sleep on the floor. — Conan O'Brien

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.


Copyright © 2001, Chris White

I think maybe only half of the world should be a stage, and the rest of it could be used for storage.  That and to hide all the "bad actors". — Christopher Hansen

If it's true that unprotected sex with someone is like having sex with everyone they had sex with, and everyone *they* had sex with, and so-on, then that must mean that in some roundabout way most of us have had sex with Kevin Bacon. — Paul Aldredge



Suffering from chest pains on Monday, Vice President Dick Cheney underwent surgery to reopen a partially blocked artery. Cheney has had four heart attacks.
[Uh, oh — If something happens to Cheney, wouldn't that leave George W. in charge?]

HBO is running a documentary about the impact on the U.S. from the Monica Lewinsky affair with former President Clinton.  Lewinsky has agreed to be a contributor to the project.
[Picture a show like "The Sopranos," only sleazier...]

Juanita Yvette Lozano, who worked for the main media consultant in George W. Bush's presidential campaign, was indicted yesterday for sending secret debate materials to an adviser to Democratic rival Al Gore.
[Debate secret #1: Look like a deer in the headlights — that'll throw Gore off his game. #2: When you get stumped, use the word 'fuzzy' as much as possible. #3: Whatever you do, don't mention who you're thinking about for Attorney General...]

ENERGY:  There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA.  Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil!  We just didn't know we were getting low.  The reason for this is purely geographical.  All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, etc.
[All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC.]

ENTERTAINMENT: The marriage between  Eminem and his estranged wife Kim Mathers has ended yet again.  Despite reconciliation's two months ago, Mathers officially filed for divorce.
[Hey, Elton — he's available again...]

POLITICAL "FREEDOM":  The Supreme Court of Missouri upheld a decision to allow the Ku Klux Klan to participate in its Adopt-A-Highway cleanup program on Monday.  The state's argument focused on the Klan's policy of not accepting blacks and other minorities as members.
[Will they have to paint their cone-shaped hoods orange now...?]

MILITARY:  Efforts to develop non-lethal weapons have the U.S. military using electromagnetic energy to heat but not permanently burn human skin.  Weapons of this type could help the military with crowd control, to counter terrorism threats, and defend airfields and ships.
[Most importantly, it's a good practical joke to use on women's behinds at the next Tailhook convention...]

GOVERNMENT:  In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun.
[It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how
to work out our problems...]

 Computer mogul Bill Gates is expecting another child, and is
adding another bedroom on to his 37,000 square foot house on Lake Washington.
Unfortunately, no one can get the windows to open...]

Last week, the Daily Nation Newspaper reported that Kenyan President Daniel arap Moi has been under fire for remarks he made regarding the size of women's minds. At a conference this week, Moi was quoted as saying, "You can achieve more, can get more, but because of your little minds, you cannot get what you expect to get,"...
[I don't suppose there was anything in there about little penises?]

We've seen the lists compiled by Internet research companies detailing the world's most visited Web sites, like Yahoo, AOL and MSN.  But nowhere in these official tabulations does one ever see a glimpse of the billion-dollar Internet porn industry.  Somebody is clicking on an awful lot of porn, but who?  According to a recent news report from Australia, it's business executives from the United States.  The Sydney Morning Herald helpfully ran portions of an unexpurgated list of 2,000 sites most visited by American chief executives in January.  The list, assembled by the Nielsen/NetRatings research firm, opens a seamy window into the surfing habits of the moguls who pull the nation's financial levers.  See more (including their favorite porn site) in the following article:  
Salon.com Sex | Big duh


This Marine is out one night at his favorite bar and he manages to attract a blonde hottie.
So they're back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it.  Proud of his rugged background and years in the Marine Corps, he forces himself to last as long as possible.  He climaxes loudly.  Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, "So ... you finish?"

After a slight pause she replies, "No."

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the last...and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.

Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, "So ... you finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she simply says, "No."

Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.

This time, with all the strength he can muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy are spent.

Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette ... lights it again, and then asks, "So ... you finish?"

To which her pleasured reply is, "No. I'm Swedish."


In a warning to the US Government, Microsoft demonstrated their power by launching a major earthquake in Seattle.

Bill Gates issued a statement from the Microsoft "Campus". "The time for talk is over.  We will not be broken apart.  We have demonstrated our power.  We will not hesitate to use it again.  Heed our warning.  We have spoken."

President George W. Bush responded from the White House, "Gosh.  I don't know about this.  Ask Dick."

Computer experts dismiss Microsoft's warning.  "Naw, it was just a demo.  Microsoft does these great demos, but until they get to about release 3.0 the programs won't work.  They'll just keep crashing.  I mean, you might be able to break a few windows, but to take on Washington you'll need to be able to drop the Lincoln Memorial all the way to the molten center of the earth."

Some Words of Wisdom

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

A person needs only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.  If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.  If it moves and shouldn't use the tape.

Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you" though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.

Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on-stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, some are there to applaud.  Know who and where you are.

Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter.

If you tell a lie don't believe it deceives only the other person.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and  "You are right".

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately.  It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.

Work is good but it's not important.

Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.

You are the only person who can truly make you happy.

[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Keimach's Home Page]


• Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
• Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
• Average number of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
• Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
• Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons
• Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
• Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
• Average number of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
• Average number of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150
• Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
• Average length when erect: 5.1
• Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
• Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches
• Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)
• Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet
• Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall
• Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose
• Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains,
wheat germ
• Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
• Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
• Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
• Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks
• Average number of erections per day for a man: 11
• Average number of erections during the night: 9
• Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
• The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)
• Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
• Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours
• Sperm life: 2-1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
• Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years
• Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
• Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
• Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
• Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm
• Number of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: almost 6
• Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.
• Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.
• It is common for men to wake up with "morning wood," a name for an A.M.
• "Blue balls," or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode
if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.

In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet:

• Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a
buttery or fishy taste.
• Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating
asparagus is said to be the foulest.
• Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant
and sugary taste.  Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit,
limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double
the fun)

[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]


14. Palm Beach County voter: "Can you make Al Gore the next president?"
    8-Ball: "Yes!  Mr. Buchanan will be the next president."

13. Al Gore: "Can I trust an 8-Ball to answer all my questions?"
    8-Ball: "Hell, yes — you invented me!"

12. Guilt-ridden, Jewish son of the 8-Ball: "I'm going to play some Snooker with the fellahs, okay, Ma?"
    8-Ball: "Answer hazy — I'm probably not having a stroke, though.  Enjoy yourself.  I'll be fine in the dark by myself."

11. Pete Rose: "Will I ever be admitted to the Baseball Hall of Fame?"
    8-Ball: "Don't bet on it.  BWA-HA-HA-HA!!"

10. Warren Christopher and James Baker: "Where will we be going
    8-Ball: "Madame Tussaud's, for a touch-up."

9.  Chris White: "Will this list suck?"
    8-Ball: "Umm... is that a new shirt?  It looks great on you!"

8.  Adam Sandler: "Will I ever be taken seriously as an actor?"
    8-Ball: "Gimme a break.  Go play with your money, dumbass."

7.  Al Gore: "What is Florida orange juice made from and what should I do in 2004?"
    8-Ball: "Concentrate and try again."

6.  Santa Claus: "This year, will I get cookies or nookie?"
    8-Ball: "Have another Chips Ahoy, Tubby."

5.  Robert Downey, Jr.: "Does prison sex involve more cuddling than it did three months ago?"
    8-Ball: "My sources say, 'Bend over, pretty boy.'"

4.  Jack Nicholson: "Will Lara Flynn Boyle and I ever get back together?"

3.  Kid Rock: "How many minutes of fame do I have left?"
    8-Ball: "Let me get you Vanilla Ice's phone number."

2.  Britney Spears: "Am I pregnant?"
    8-Ball: "Probably, you little slut."

    and Topfive.com's Number 1 Answer from the Magic 8-Ball...

1.  Dick Cheney: "Will my heart be strong enough to carry me through the next 4 years?"
    8-Ball: "My sources say... BOO!!!"

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001, by Chris White

(Another gratuitous equal-time joke for my conservative friends...)

In new documents just revealed by the Justice Department, in addition to the controversial pardon of fugitive Marc Rich, former President Clinton also pardoned Adolph Hitler and Satan.  With minutes to go before his term expired, Clinton signed an order to pardon himself.

Clinton's press liaison defended the pardons.  "President Clinton reasoned it's time to put this whole 'World War' thing behind us.

"While Hitler did indeed have a few bad years, he's been a model of civility for the last 56 years.  We think he deserves a second chance."

Clinton seemed to identify with Hitler.  "There were forces constantly at work against him.  I'm not condoning what he did, mind you, but I feel his pain.  I know exactly what it's like to have the media of the world against you."

Clinton's pardon of Satan drew some right-wing Republican protests.  Representative Dan Burton called upon Clinton to appear before Congress and explain the action.  Burton believes there was a deal between the Prince of Darkness and Clinton to help build Clinton's Presidential Library in exchange for the pardon and Clinton's soul.

Democrats were quick to dismiss the charges.  Senator Tom Daschle said, "These charges are bogus because President Clinton sold his soul to Satan years ago."

Just before he posed for pictures on Inauguration Day with the new president, Clinton signed a pardon forgiving himself "for any goddamned thing anyone wants to pin on me, for all eternity — even things they've not found out about yet!"


"I am concerned about the amount of acreage and cultivation for the growth of cocoa leaves. We've got to do a better job of working with the Colombia government on its eradication program."
— George W. Bush.
I really have to cut down on my chocolate.


"Democrats and their allies play to the populist instinct to get those rich, dirty SOBs and the way we're going to do it is to tax them. I think we've demonstrated as a people that we don't think some form of socialism is the way to run a society."
— Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill.
Anyone who wants to tax a rich, dirty SOB like myself must be a Socialist.


"We increase spending next year for Social Security and Medicare and other entitlement programs by $81 billion. We have increased spending for discretionary programs by a very responsible 4 percent above the rate of inflation. My plan pays down an unprecedented amount of our national debt, and then when money is still left over, my plan returns it to the people who earned it in the first place,"
— George W. Bush in a speech before Congress.
We are going to increase spending for everything, pay down an unprecedented amount of our national debt and give the people a tax break. If you believe that my brother Jeb has some swamp land in Florida that he'll give you a deal on.


"They would like to keep it here, so they can say 'just in case,' Just in case what? So they can have something to spend it on."
— Republican and Senate Budget Committee Chairman Pete Domenici, on the Democrats concern of giving a huge tax cut and not being able to pay down the national debt.
I want my tax cut, to hell with the paying down the national debt. I won't be alive to have to worry about it. Screw my grandchildren. I want my money!


"As long as you only give him the tops and not the stalks and especially if it has a great cheese sauce."
— First Lady Laura Bush, on how to get the president to eat his broccoli.
If he doesn't eat it, I send him to bed with no TV.

"It's a lot like Kournikova at a Grand Slam tournament: she arrives with great fanfare, attracts a lot of attention, then does nothing."
— Wired news writer Michelle Delio, on the Kournikova computer virus.
They both affect a guy's hard drive.


"Most of the girls I'm seeing now are girls who fantasized about me before we met."
— Playboy founder Hugh Hefner.
Most of the girls I'm seeing now are girls who fantasized about my money before we met.

Copyright © 2001, Comedyzine, Inc.


14. Dissing the Gruntled

13. Improving the Odds in the Office March Madness Pool

12. Fueling Demand for Lottery Tickets and Malt Liquor

11. The Corporate Catch-and-Release Program

10. Giving You a Shot at Posting Your Very Own Negative-Growth Quarter

9.  Causing 404s on the Career Server

8.  Moving 1/3 of Your Workforce to Within a Dead Dog and a Cruel Woman of a Blues Classic

7.  Giving Bruce Springsteen Something to Sing About

6.  Issuing Transfers to Pets.com

5.  H.R. Ruffstuff

4.  Hiring a Bunch of New People, Only Backwards

3.  Ass-Harvesting on the Cubicle Farm

2.  Beaming the Red-Shirted Extras Down to the Evil Monster Planet

    and Topfive.com's Number 1 Euphemism for Corporate Layoffs...

1.  Separating the Wheat From the Wheat That Doesn't Kiss Enough Ass

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001, by Chris White


• IN->  OUT<-  (Repeat as often as possible)

• A condominium is NOT the smallest size they make.

• If your wife tells you sex is a 'pain in the ass', turn her over.

• A porn shop will not give you money for your used stuff, that's a pawn shop.

• Doing the missionary position does not mean you have sex in a church.

• If she says "doggy style," Do NOT whip on down to the local SPCA center.

• Kama Sutra is not a martial art...therefore don't tell your lover that you have a black belt in it.

• Well-endowed is not a reference to the size of your bank account.

• If your stomach hurts it is not an orgasm, more likely indigestion or appendicitis.


Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show? Mark Burnett, producer of "Survivor" plans to enlist 12 men, who will be dropped in an unidentified suburb with a van, six kids (each of whom play two sports and take either a musical instrument or dance class), and no access to fast food.

They must keep the house clean, correct all homework (receiving at least a "C+" on all papers), complete one science project, cook (OK, they can bring one cookbook), do laundry, etc. Oh, and they also have access to television only when the kids are asleep and all chores are done, and none of the TV's have remotes. Plus they have to shave their legs and wear makeup which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making six lunches.

The competitions will consist of such things as attending a PTA meeting and accurately reporting the results; cleaning up after a sick child at 3:00 a.m.; making an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and getting a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off.

The winner gets to go back to his job.


14. "A diamond is forever." —
    "Which is *exactly* how long you'll be hearing about it from
     the wife if you don't cough up the green for some ice, pal."

13. "Built Ford tough" —
    "It's an American version of tough; not *really* tough,
     like German and Japanese cars are tough."

12. "I can't believe it's not butter!" —
    "Being around Fabio, for even a few seconds, makes you dumb
     as a post."

11. "Pork; the other white meat" —
    "When Heston starts screaming that it's people, don't say we
     didn't warn you."

10. "An Army of one" —
    "Can't be gay all by yourself, can ya?"

9.  "A diamond says you'd marry her all over again" —
    "You're too classy for a $50 hooker every week."

8.  "Have it your way" —
    "Think of us as your personal hamburger whore."

7.  "Just Do It" —
    "We know you'll never get off the couch lard-ass; just buy
     the friggin' shoes."

6.  "The new way to office" —
    "The half-assed way to slogan."

5.  "You know that movie with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan?  This guy
     *never* saw that movie." —
    "Buy our truck and everyone will know that YOU are, like,
     so totally *NOT* gay!!!"

4.  "It's so chunky, you'll be tempted to eat it with a fork." —
    "Those damn slicing machines are still dumping way too
     many body parts in our soups!"

3.  "Must-see TV" —
    "Yeah, what else are you gonna do, Shakespeare?  Read?!"

2.  "Calgon, take me away!" —
    "I've got my Mr. Showerhead poised for action."

    and Topfive.com's Number 1 Hidden Meaning in a Commercial Slogan...

1.  "Like a rock" —
    "God knows we weren't selling many pickups with that
     Boy George tune."

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001, by Chris White

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