T H E W E E K L Y R I O T
March 2, 2001
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
— Rainer Maria Rilke
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test. — President George W. Bush, touting his education-reform plan (Newsweek)
Why are Democrats better in bed? You've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant, have you?
I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you. If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
When subjected to extreme feminine heat and pressure, male hydrocarbons will often produce a diamond.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. — George Carlin
They're starting to combine country and rap. In the songs you lose your job, wreck your truck and go out and pick up some ho. — Jay Leno
George W. Bush is in Mexico. It was his first trip on Air Force One, and he had to stand the whole way. Yeah, Clinton stole the seats. Bush and Mexican President Vicente Fox couldn't be more different. Fox, for instance, speaks fluent English. — David Letterman
Bush invited Ted Kennedy to a White House screening of the movie "Thirteen Days", the story of the 1962 Cuban missile crisis. Bush said to Kennedy, "Wow, what a story. Do you think something like that could ever really happen?" — Mark Russell
Asking me to choose between Gore and Bush was like asking me for my favorite Menendez brother. — Arsenio Hall
The Bush-Cheney Administration sounds like the brand name for a chastity belt. — Arsenio Hall
I guess I should warn you, if I turn out to be particularly clear, you've probably misunderstood what I've said. — Fed chairman Alan Greenspan
——————————————————————
With the power crisis in California, I'm doing my part to conserve energy — I've stopped exercising. — Siva Kumar
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2001, Chris White
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS:
Patti Davis, former President Ronald Reagan's daughter, now confesses that she stole matchbooks, notebooks, a bowling ball and a pillow with a needlepoint picture of an elephant when her dad left the White House.
[And the Clinton's want them back NOW!]
A new ABC News/Washington Post poll shows President George W. Bush with a 55 percent job approval rating, the lowest rating given to a newly elected president since Dwight Eisenhower.
[Now HE'S going to be the one asking for a recount...]
ENTERTAINMENT: Readers of venerable TV Guide magazine picked "The West Wing" as the best television drama and "Everybody Loves Raymond" as the favorite comedy show.
[CNN's election night coverage got "Best Comedy Special"...]
SCIENCE: U.S. researchers have produced laboratory mice with human brain cells, marking a potential step toward developing treatments for human brain disease like Alzheimer's but promising to fuel fresh debate over the evolving ethics of bioengineering.
[Strangely, it made the mice dumber...]
BUSINESS: A survey by Oxford Health Plans found that more than thirty percent of U.S. workers gobble their lunch while they work and nearly twenty percent said they are too overworked to use their annual vacation time — even though they already have fewer vacation days than workers in other...
[...crap - I just dropped half my sandwich on my keyboard...be back tomorrow...]
EDUCATION: Officials at Minnesota's Pequot Lakes Junior High think hugging is getting out of hand, and teachers are handing out reprimands to students caught hugging in the hallway. Principal Chuck Arns is discouraging boy/girl hugging, but says he'll tolerate hugs between girls.
[...as long as he can watch...]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
The blonde had been married about a year, when one day the she came running up to her husband, jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.
"Why are we so happy?" he asked.
"Honey, I have some really great news for you!" she said.
"Great," he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down.
"I'm pregnant!" she gasped.
The husband was ecstatic, as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.
Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."
"What do you mean more?" he asked.
"Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2-pack home-pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
THE NEWEST VERSION OF "SURVIVOR"
Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show? Mark Burnett, producer of "Survivor" plans to enlist 12 men, who will be dropped in an unidentified suburb with a van, six kids (each of whom play two sports and take either a musical instrument or dance class), and no access to fast food.
They must keep the house clean, correct all homework (receiving at least a "C+" on all papers), complete one science project, cook (OK, they can bring one cookbook), do laundry, etc. Oh, and they also have access to television only when the kids are asleep and all chores are done, and none of the TV's have remotes. Plus they have to shave their legs and wear makeup which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making six lunches.
The competitions will consist of such things as attending a PTA meeting and accurately reporting the results; cleaning up after a sick child at 3:00 a.m.; making an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and getting a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off.
The winner gets to go back to his job.
THE ONLY THREE RELIGIOUS TRUTHS
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Southern Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
[Thanks again to Craig]
THE TOP NEW U.S. ARMY WEAPONS FOR 2001
15. The Britney Spear — A deadly assault weapon with razor sharp, retractable twelve inch nipples which reduce men to drooling idiots.
14. R-23 Multi-Environment Inhalation Assistance Device for Short-term, Repeatable Infantry Stimulus — Okay, it's actually just a $750 crack pipe.
13. RoboReagan — Oh, come on. Did you *really* think he was hospitalized for a broken hip?
12. The Heche Bomb — Rather than killing countless civilians like its thermonuclear predecessor, detonation of this warhead simply bewilders the enemy by wandering amongst them, knocking on their doors and making strange remarks.
11. Compassionate Carbine — Kills just as effectively, but a small sound chip in the stock says, "I'm sorry" with each bullet fired.
10. Ultra Anthrax Plus — Similar to regular Anthrax, but with a hint of lemon for a clean, refreshing scent!
9. Sharkbomb — Fills the target area with thousands attorneys, leaving it bogged down by legal haggling.
8. Army of One — Pvt. First Class Frank Richards will be dispatched to finally eliminate those pesky Iraqis. We expect him to be far more effective than a full dose of the Army, without all of the unpleasant side effects.
7. The Atomic Balm — Deadly Chapstick that comes in three luminescent colors: Irradiated Iraq Indigo, Glowing Gorky Green and Malignant Mao Mauve
6. Land Mimes — Will repulse, frustrate and anger the enemy; now with potent "trapped in a box" mechanism.
5. "Star Wars" Defense System — Network of ground- and orbital-based weapons designed to prevent George Lucas from entering U.S. airspace with another lame "prequel."
4. SHDI (Strategic Hairpiece Defense Initiative) — Uses satellite laser technology to track Sam Donaldson.
3. Don't Ask Don't Telegraph — Global communication without leaving the closet!
2. The Subliminable Obsiconfusionary Mispronunciator — Confuses foreign leaders by introducing gibberish into speeches. Best of all, it's stealthiable.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 New U.S. Army Weapon for 2001...
1. The Lewinsky Land Mine — Get anywhere near it and it'll blow your nuts off.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001, by Chris White
BIZARRE LAWS IN CALIFORNIA
• Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
• Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
• In Baldwin Park, nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• In Belvedere, there is a City Council order which reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
• In Blythe, you are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
• In Chico, detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
• In Los Angeles, you may not hunt moths under a street light and toads may not be licked.
• In Pacific Grove, molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• In San Francisco, persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
Bizarre News
Copyright © 2001, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
NOW THIS GUY OBVIOUSLY HAS A GREAT START TOWARDS *TRUE* MARITAL BLISS...
Now something us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem and you ladies need to be more understanding.
It's the dreaded "morning wood." Most mornings we guys wake up with two things: a tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim.
Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the stupid toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to achieve that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her, "Look, it won't bend." She said, "Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood."
Well, it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage to do it, I had peed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you women keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position by simply laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature...there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
AND THIS GUY'S LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON...
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love-which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night."
PEANUTS UPDATE
With apologies to Charles Schultz, here's what the Peanuts characters would be doing today:
CHARLIE BROWN: Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a round-headed son who wears glasses.
LINUS: Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. Only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.
LUCY: Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.
SCHROEDER: After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.
SALLY: Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Baboo. Sells Mary Kay Cosmetics.
PEPPERMINT PATTY: Women's athletic director at a Midwestern university. Her fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."
SNOOPY: In dog years, he'd be 350. Linus has created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy farm in Snoopy's memory.
[Thanks again to Craig]
AGING
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I am on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them,
"That must be the door, I'll get it!"
[Thanks again to Craig]
SPORTS QUOTES
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." — Jason Kidd
"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?" — Basketball player Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert
"It's almost like we have ESPN." — Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." — Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece.
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." — Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice, 1982.
"Tom." — Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966.
"I'll always be Number 1 to myself." — Moses Malone
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." — Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me." — Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model
"I lost it in the sun!" — Billy Loes, Brooklyn Dodgers Pitcher, after fumbling a grounder.
"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl." — Bill Peterson, football coach
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." — Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins, 1991
"I don't care what the tape says. I didn't say it." — Football coach Ray Malavasi
"I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid." — Former football player/announcer Terry Bradshaw
"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." — Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs, 1986
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." — Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first. — New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers
THE TOP 14 LEAST-KNOWN PSYCHOLOGICAL AFFLICTIONS
14. Elevitis: The compulsive need to press already-lit elevator buttons.
13. Shoshanism: Persistent, pathological fascination with former association with celebrities. (See also Katotonia, Monicanucleosis)
12. Schlitzophrenia: The inexplicable desire to consume cheap domestic beer.
11. Munchies-Syndrome-By-Proxy: A craving for salty snack foods, often triggered by the pot smoking of others.
10. Fallonian Denial: Recurring belief that maybe, just maybe, this week's "Saturday Night Live" won't suck.
9. Bull-imia: Self-destructive cycle of bingeing on blue chips, then purging stocks at market close.
8. Chadophobia: Irrational fear you might suddenly punch a passing Floridian.
7. Dietrrhea: The inability to be on any weight-loss program without talking about it to everyone in the tri-state area.
6. Dubyalusions of Grandeur: Mistaken belief that you actually won the election.
5. Adolescinemaphilia: Uncontrollable urge to see a Freddie Prinze, Jr. movie.
4. Probst-Traumatic Stress Disorder: Fear of being voted out of the tribe.
3. White's Syndrome: The inability to compile a list that conforms with predetermined numerical criteria.
2. Bipolarbear Disorder: Desire to have sex with large arctic carnivores of either gender.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Least-Known Psychological Affliction...
1. Barcolepsy: The inability to remain awake for longer than 30 seconds after sitting in the recliner in front of the TV.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001, by Chris White
MID-LIFE FOR LADIES
• Mid-life is when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
• Mid-life women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
• Mid-life has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
• Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!
• Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"
• Mid-life is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a control top flea collar.
• Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
• You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
• Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
• Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
• Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
• The good news about mid-life is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
[Thanks again to Craig]
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