THE WEEKLY RIOT
February 23, 2001
Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Bush is making everyone in the White House take drug tests, and he passed one himself. It's nice to have a President unzipping his pants for good, rather than evil. Jay Leno
If rabbit's feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
I once read a book about anti-gravity. I just couldn't put it down.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)
If I had any humility I would be perfect. Ted Turner
Wait a minute! I'm not interested in agriculture. I want the military stuff. Senator William Scott (R-Va.) during a Pentagon briefing in which army officials began telling him about missile silos
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: A federal prosecutor has cranked up the heat on former President Clinton, launching a criminal investigation to determine if money played a role in the last-minute pardon of fugitive financier Marc Rich. U.S. Attorney Mary Jo White's probe is expected to examine bank and telephone records and other documents for evidence of illegal conduct.
[This is a switch for Clinton now a woman is probing HIM in a government building...]
GOVERNMENT: San Francisco plans to become the first U.S. city to finance sex change operations for city workers under its health care benefits program. It would permit city employees to claim up to $50,000 of the cost of sex reassignment surgery.
[The girl with one ball? She's in an HMO...]
ENTERTAINMENT: A graphic display of a wild pig being slaughtered on the
latest episode of the hit CBS reality series "Survivor" has animal lovers seeing red. Viewers saw members of the Kucha tribe close in on a wild pig, which is stabbed repeatedly by knife-wielding software publisher Michael Skupin until it dies. "Taking a life for crass entertainment is wrong. Killing for ratings is wrong," Ark Trust (an animal rights group) President Gretchen Wyler said in a statement. "The fact is, this animal died and suffered for entertainment purposes masquerading as hunting and gathering," Humane Society Senior Vice President Wayne Pacelle said.
[In a related story, the new Hannibal Lector movie, where HUMANS are killed and eaten for entertainment purposes, was number #1 at the box office again...no comment from any humane groups, I noticed...]
PEOPLE: At a fund-raising dinner for the Eating Disorders Education Network, Jane Fonda revealed that she had overcome a quarter-century battle with anorexia and bulimia.
[Well, who could have sex with Ted Turner and NOT have to throw up constantly...?]
SCIENCE: With the sun expected to grow eleven percent hotter over the next 1.1 billion years, astronomers have come up with a way to move Earth to a cooler, safer orbit. Scientists at the University of California have detailed a plan using "gravitational slingshot" tugs provided by massive asteroids or comets redirected to pass near the Earth.
[Now they just have to talk Anna Nicole-Smith into letting them use one of her bras...]
Earth Lights at Night from Space
Ant Nebula from the Hubble Telescope
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Two blondes and a brunette were walking down the beach when a seagull dumps a load on one of the blondes.
The brunette says "I'll go and get some toilet paper."
When she left, one blonde turns to the other and says, "Boy, is she ever stupid. By the time she gets back, that seagull will be miles away."
THE TOP 11 DIFFERENCES IF CELEBRITIES WERE CONTESTANTS ON "SURVIVOR"
11. Miss Manners: Crocodiles banned from the site when they exhibit an extreme lack of proper table etiquette.
10. Tony Soprano: After winning 6 immunity challenges in a row, Kimmi found mysteriously dead with a freshly-roasted rat stuffed in her mouth.
9. Robert Downey, Jr.: Way too much time spent looking for toads to lick.
8. Hugh Hefner: "Immunity Challenge" now involves a blood test.
7. Bill Clinton: Pardons given to all the babes voted out of the tribe.
6. The Supreme Court: The series ends without a winner, because they refuse to let Jeff Probst count all the ballots.
5. Madonna: After she's accused of stealing someone's luxury item battery pack, the immunity idol mysteriously vibrates.
4. Sharon Stone: Loses the immunity challenge by refusing to shoot a beaver, claiming she's already done that.
3. Alec Baldwin: When he gets voted off, he clings to the nearest tree and screams, "No, you can't make me go back there! Not with George W. in charge!"
2. Daffy Duck: Tribal council decision pretty simple after Jerri tricks Daffy into yelling, "Vote me off now! Vote me off now! I *demand* that you vote me off now!"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Difference if Celebrities Were Contestants...
1. The Gerber Baby: Eaten by a dingo in episode 3.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001, by Chris White
Attention all disenfranchised liberals: Would Alex Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil Donahue, David Geffen, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and all other liberals who previously announced they would leave the country if George Bush was elected President, please report to Florida for the sailing of the Good Ship Lollipop, which has been commissioned to take you to your new home.
The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.
Please pack for an extended stay...at least four years.
Your captain is to be Bill Clinton and your cruise director will be Al Gore. Joe Lieberman will be your purser and Monica Lewinsky will be your recreation director. For the more intellectual of the liberals (and, I know this is stretching it) a spiritual counselor, Jesse Jackson, will be aboard with mistress and love child to comfort the distraught. Your primary job, while self-exiled, will be to pound sand (with a small blacksmith's maul) until such time as you realize your worthless bleeding-heart-liberal ways and gain a grasp on reality which may be never for some of you losers.
If you have any questions about your final destination, please direct your comments to Hillary. She's staying behind and will be in charge of nursing whining liberals for the next four years.
MORE STUPID LAWS
Illinois: It is against the law to make faces at dogs.
Indiana: It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.
Iowa: Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants.
Kansas: At the intersection of Douglas and Broadway, a person in an automobile is required to get out of the vehicle, fire 3 shotgun rounds into the air, get back into the vehicle, then proceed safely through the intersection.
Kentucky: By law, you are considered 'sober' until you "cannot hold onto the ground".
Louisiana: It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the teller with a water pistol.
Maine: You may not step out of a plane in flight.
Maryland: It's illegal to take a lion to the movies.
Massachusetts: No one may take a bath without a prescription.
Michigan: There is a law that makes it legal for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats and chickens.
Minnesota: You cannot cross state lines with a duck on your head.
Mississippi: It is unlawful to shave in the center of Main Street.
Missouri: Worrying squirrels is not tolerated.
THE TOP 15 SIDE EFFECTS OF THE NEW ORGASM IMPLANT
NOTE FROM CHRIS: A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin under the buttocks. The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote. I ask you, my friends: How could TopFive NOT address this?
15. Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.
14. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story headlines.
13. Dad: now surfs with two remotes
Mom: never complains
12. She never wants to cuddle anymore it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.
11. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.
10. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.
9. The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...
8. "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."
7. Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.
6. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention...
I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention...
5. Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.
4. Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!
3. In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."
2. Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner... er, never mind.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Side Effect of the New Orgasm Implant...
1. "Now remember, Ms. Elders the left nipple is positive and the right is negative."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001, by Chris White
BIZARRE SEXUAL TRIVIA
In many cultures, an unmarried woman is considered a virgin, even if she's a prostitute. It's only after marriage that she loses her virginity.
According to the Kinsey Report, half of the men raised on farms have had a sexual encounter with an animal.
The name of Wyoming's Grand Tetons mountain range literally means "Big Tits".
White women and those women with a college degree in particular are the most receptive to anal sex.
55 percent of women say they've faked an orgasm at one time or another.
33 percent of women admit they moan in bed, 7 percent shriek and 13 percent laugh.
The most popular sexual position is missionary, followed by the woman on top and "doggie style."
Every year, 11,000 Americans injure themselves while trying out bizarre sexual positions.
Copyright © 2001, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
THE TOP 14 ANIMAL DREAMS
14. Dog: Midget squirrels in clown suits riding unicycles around a giant fire hydrant.
13. Butterfly: Recurring nightmare about being a Chinese philosopher.
12. Sheep: Shepherds with warm hands.
11. Rat: Can't find the maze testing room, and it's late!
10. Bird: Every man in the world is bald and washes his car daily.
9. Cat: Being chased by some dude wielding a knife and an unstrung violin.
8. Parrot: Calling friends on phone: "Brawk! What is up? What is up? Brawk!"
7. Butterfly: Spending a night of wild passion with a cute young caterpillar with a firm body and lots of short, hairy legs.
6. Raccoon: Walking through a crowded mall and OMIGOD, where's my mask?
5. Hamster: Taking the wheel off-road.
4. Horse: Robert Redford whispering dirty things in its ear.
3. Lemming: Standing at the edge of a steep cliff, unable to fall.
2. Monkey: Flying through the air with many other monkey friends, swooping down to grab up a screaming Kansas farm girl, taking her back to the witch's castle, and then, after a job well done, refreshments and the celebratory poop fight.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Animal Dream...
1. Dog: Eating a 10-pound marshmallow; wake up to find the cat is gone.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001, by Chris White
THE GOOD NEWS
An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops in shock.
"What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the 'Jewish Journal'!"
The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news."
His friend gasps, "WHAT good news could possibly be in that paper???"
"Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control Hollywood see? It's all *good* news!"
They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual "first page" of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:
"Copyright © 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved First scrawling First-SunriseAfter-Stonehenge-Keystone- Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C.
All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.
WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question.
NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called 'stars'. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of savior. Should such a misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the world and let the author start over.
Suggested retail: 1 sheep
THE TOP 15 BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING YOUR LIFE BROADCAST ON THE INTERNET
15. Women write in to reassure you that it's no big deal and that it happens to lots of men.
14. Cashiers refuse to accept your URL as photo ID.
13. It's no longer just your small circle of friends who know that you have no life.
12. You've just committed a murder and now you've got to kill all those pesky witnesses.
11. Ex-boyfriends always seem to know exactly which of their shirts and CDs you still have.
10. You get the eerie feeling you're being watched, even before you start doing bong hits.
9. Much harder to juggle both boyfriends *and* the girlfriend.
8. New higher resolution monitors compel more frequent dusting and vacuuming.
7. Faked orgasms now subject to critiques by impartial observers.
6. Email from strangers telling you you'll go blind from doing that.
5. The whole damn family logs on right when you start wrapping the Christmas presents.
4. You're playing Solitaire, the phone rings, and it's some geek saying, "Play the red jack on the black queen."
3. The "visiting a sick friend" excuse doesn't quite work when millions of people know that you were really playing Freecell in your jammies.
2. Web-savvy Jehovah's Witnesses aren't fooled when you don't answer the door.
and TopFive's Number 1 Bad Thing About Having Your Life Broadcast on the Internet...
1. Rip-off artists in Toledo are living the exact same life as you without giving you credit.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1998, 2001 by Chris White
IMPORTANT WARNING: BREAD KILLS!
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:
99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.
96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.
99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.
6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all the people born since 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.
7. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!
8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
10. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
12. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
No sale of bread to minors.
A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
ACTUAL T-SHIRT SLOGANS
"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (seen on Cape Cod)
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"Rehab Is for Quitters."
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone."
"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."
"West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."
"FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
"A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
"DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."
"They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."
"The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it."
"WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
"The trouble with life is there's no background music."
"The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
"MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."
"Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
"NyQuil The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."
"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh, the penis on it was so large!"
Whereupon, the first old lady suddenly blurted out,
"...and so cold, too!"
THE TOP 14 SONGS PERFORMED BY THE D.E.A. CHOIR
NOTE FROM CHRIS: We learned on CNN that the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency has a choir which performs at various functions. Hmmm...
14. Amazing Grass
13. Don't Sell It On The Mountain
12. I Can Seize Clearly Now
11. Don't Cry For Me, Noriega
10. Who Let The Drug Dogs out?
9. Take Me To The Reefer
8. Help Me, Ganja
7. 99 Vials Of Crack On The Wall
6. You Dropped A Bong On Me
5. I Fought The Law, And The Law Went Medieval On My Ass
4. Tie A Yellow Ribbon (Round the Whole Crime Scene)
3. Hey, 'Lude
2. Shoot Me Up Before You Go-Go
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Song Performed by the D.E.A. Choir...
1. Yakety Yak, Don't Smoke Crack
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001, by Chris White
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