THE WEEKLY RIOT
February 16, 2001
Everything is okay in the end, and if it isn't okay, then it's not the end.
Yesterday is a dream, tomorrow but a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore to this day.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Truth is more of a stranger than fiction. Mark Twain
Linda Tripp is suing for being fired. It's the first case in the U.S. of mad cow disease. Jay Leno
One of the XFL games on Saturday was played in Orlando. Just when we thought that Florida had reached its capacity for embarrassment. Mark Russell
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2001, Chris White
If I were ever going to create a computer virus, I'd stick it in a message with the subject "VIRUS ALERT!!!!" That'd show 'em. Meghan Skinner
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
ATHEIST TRIES TO SELL HIS SOUL ON EBAY: Here is further proof that people will try to sell anything on the Internet. Adam Burtle from Seattle put his soul up for auction on the trading website eBay. The 20-year-old received bids ranging from $6.66 from an ex-girlfriend to a top bid of $400. The sale listing has since been removed from the site, because according to eBay spokesman Kevin Pursglove, "You have to have a piece of merchandise that a seller can deliver to a buyer." Items previously put up for auction include organs, drugs and even a person's virginity.
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2001, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
THE TOP 15 POLITICAL VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS
15. To Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, from George W.:
If I could sample what's beneath that robe,
my heart would go pitter-patter.
But I've already received your Valentine's gift:
the White House on a platter!
14. To George W. Bush, from Osama bin Laden:
I could KISS you for endorsing
the work I try to do.
You see, my many endeavors
are mostly faith-based, too!
13. To Allen Greenspan, from NBC's Andrea Mitchell:
Don't worry about last night
lots of guys get irrationally exuberant!
12. To Tipper, from Hillary:
Your husband's a schmo, my husband's a ho.
Let's ditch them both and give it a go.
11. To George W. from Dad:
You've made me proud again, my son,
by moving into my old home.
But I ran out of favors getting you there.
Don't screw up now you're on your own!
10. To Karin Stanford, from the Reverend Jesse Jackson:
Though we now are parted,
my heart still turns to mush,
Ever since that night we shared
a magical "Rainbow-PUSH."
9. To Linda, from Mr. Ed:
I must admit, my dear Ms. Tripp,
You really turn me on.
I've not been graced by such a face,
Since I was on the farm.
8. To William Rehnquist, from James Baker:
Thanks for the vote, you ended the strife.
So this Valentine morning, we're releasing your wife.
7. To John Ashcroft, from Senate Democrats:
Of *course* we can be bipartisan,
and reach out across the aisle.
Here's a sentiment our heart is in:
We salute you, sir! Sieg heil!
6. To Hillary, from Bill:
Please forgive me, Valentine,
for my wandering erection.
But what was I supposed to do
during your eight-year yeast infection?!
5. To Katherine Harris, from a secret admirer:
Roses are red, violets are blue.
There's a rainbow of colors slathered on you!!
4. To All the Girls I've Loved Before, from Bill Clinton:
My valentines, two years ago,
you each gave me a hickey.
Last year you showed your love again,
with Oval Office quickies.
This year I've given something back,
the explanation's tricky...
a Latin phrase describes it best
it's "Veni, V.D., vici."
3. To Elizabeth Dole, from Bob Dole:
The sun, how it sets, like the falls of Niagra...
but the sun also rises like Bob Dole on Viagra!
2. To Barbra Streisand, from George W.:
You talked about secession,
now pack your shit and leave.
And don't threaten me with Brolin
that dude's more whipped than cream!
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Political Valentine's Day Card...
1. To Tipper, from Al:
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways...
No wait, that's not right.
Let me count again...
Darn it, that's not it, either.
One more time...
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001, by Chris White
THE AOL CAR
FORMER PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON'S TO-DO LIST
Interview interns for Senator Clinton
Interview interns for New York office
Interview interns for Presidential Library
Take Buddy for walk
Cash check from Marc Rich
Start writing memoirs
Interview more interns
Phone sex with Albright
Call Hillary, ask how she's doing
Party with Letterman and Regis
Copyright © 2001, Comedyzine, Inc.
THE TOP 14 CHANGES TO THE WHITE HOUSE WEBSITE
NOTE FROM CHRIS: With the Bush administration in the White House, they're taking over the Whitehouse.gov website, dumping old content in favor of fresh, updated pages.
14. It's no longer a member of the "East Coast Swingers" web ring.
13. Deleting the constantly recounted reader vote: Who do you want for President?
12. "A Day in the Life of an Intern" page no longer red-flagged by NetNanny.
11. New Vocabulary Builder page.
10. "Welcome to The White House" replaced by "Welcoming to the House of White! I KISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!"
9. Can't make any changes because Gore took the Internet with him.
8. They just brought the TRS-80 out of mothballs and fired up the *old* Bush White House website.
7. "Flying toasters! They never get old! Look, there's another one!"
6. New page of Dubya's favorite drinks for the road.
5. Upgraded security to foil that pesky hacker, 2004gore.
4. The visitor counter displays a different result, depending on who looks at it.
3. Far fewer "I certify that I am 18 " buttons on the splash page.
2. Shiny things. Lots more shiny things.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Change to the White House Website...
1. URL officially changed to DubyaDubyaDubya.whitehouse.gov.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001, by Chris White
DUBYA'S DIARY: THE FIRST HUNDRED DAYS IN OFFICE
January 20: Take oath to uphold the honor and dignity of the office of President of the United States. Nudge Rehnquist, ask what he's wearing under that dress.
January 23: Award Presidential Medal of Freedom to Ralph Nader.
January 24: Help Alec Baldwin pack.
January 30: Memo to Jeb: in your face, Poindexter!
January 31: Get people working on stuff.
February 3: Bring Democrats and Republicans together.
February 4: Bring peanut butter and chocolate together.
February 5: Unite North, South Dakota; North, South Carolina; New, Old Mexico.
February 7: Get loaded, fail to name designated driver, don't tell anyone for 25 years, usher in an era of personal responsibility.
February 9: Change pitch and tone of Washington to something that will only annoy dogs.
February 12: Replace Affirmative Action with Affirmative Access. Replace Medicare with Medicool. Replace Department of Transportation with Department of Fantabulation.
February 18: Offer Jeb important cabinet position possibly Secretary of My Asshole.
February 20: Invite NRA executives into Oval Office to write legislation, play Madden NFL 2001.
March 1-March 31: Halftime!
April 1: Plant flowers in Rose Garden: daisies?
April 7: Give younger workers the opportunity to responsibly invest a portion of their payroll taxes in eBay bids.
April 9: Open up Yellowstone National Park, the Appalachian Trail and Chappaqua, NY for oil exploration.
April 12: State dinner for Emperor Akihito of Japan. Do "Samurai Dry Cleaner" sketch.
April 15: Replace soft bigotry of low expectations with hard nougat of candy.
April 18: Try Oval Office fellatio (once or twice; what's the harm?).
BIZARRE CELEBRITY SEX SCENE CONFESSIONS
"His idea of a romantic kiss was to go "blaah" and gag me with his tongue. He only improved once he married Demi Moore." Cybil Shepard on Bruce Willis
"I enjoyed bumping up against it even though it had black stuff all over it...by the end of the shoot I was covered in black goo." Kim Bassinger being turned on by Michael Keaton's Batman costume.
Kenneth Williams' moment of unbridled passion with Joan Sims in "Carry On Up The Khyber" was somewhat marred by Williams' persistent flatulence.
Hygiene conscious Lana Turner chewed gum to keep her mouth fresh for her kissing scenes. During the filming of "Homecoming," Clark Gable kissed her so hard that the pair became entwined by a ribbon of sticky gum. From then on, she gargled.
"It's a little too sick, real or feigned to do in front of your mother." Jennifer Jason Leigh stated about a sex scene in her 1996 movie, "Georgia." Leigh asked her screenwriting mother, Barbara Turner, to leave the set at the crucial moment.
"God I miss my husband." Patsy Kensit whispered to Mel Gibson during their naked romp in "Lethal Weapon 2."
Copyright © 2001, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request." The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I need a posse! A POSSE!
[Thanks to Ralph the God of Marina del Oro]
"How about us spending a romantic weekend in a nice quiet hotel?" he whispered in the beautiful lady's ear.
"I'm afraid," she said, "that my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes you from such erotic confrontation."
"I don't get it," he said.
"Exactly!" she replied.
A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
DAY 761: Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762: Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765: Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm...must try this with their baby...
Command-Z: (From the key command that undoes whatever you've just done.) To quickly nix a venture. "They command-Z'd that site yesterday."
Dot-compost: The assets of a dead dot-com that finds new life.
E-hole: Cocky 20-something who thinks he can run his own biz. "Kid's a complete e-hole."
Uninstalled: Fired. "Peter? Ah...he's been uninstalled."
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three.
A: The rest are true stories.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
Q: What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
A: His personality.
MORE TALES OF MARITAL BLISS
A man checking on a survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed
form was spread out before him.
"Mr. Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under 'Frequency of Intercourse' you wrote 'Three times a week and your wife wrote 'Three times a night'."
"Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only until we have paid off the mortgage on the house."
John was in his mid-50's, and had a relatively minor heart attack. While he was in the hospital, he complained to his cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was over.
The cardiologist said, "Not true, John, sex is wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'll be the best thing you can do for your recovery."
So after his discharge from the hospital, John told his wife what the doctor had said.
His wife looked at him and told him, "That's wonderful, John! Sign me up for twice."
A husband asks his wife, "You want to try a different position tonight?"
The wife replies, "That's a good idea. Why don't you stand at the sink and wash the dishes and I'll sit on the sofa and fart."
For the husband's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon the husband enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a quick peek, he immediately he says, "Leftovers again!"
Finding his wife in bed with another man, the dismayed husband cried out, "Jan what are you doing?"
Turning to her lover, the wife frowned and said, "Didn't I tell you he was an idiot?"
Q: What can make you feel really good or be very annoying?
A: A woman's mouth!
Q: How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?
A: From the snoring.
MORE FROM TECH SUPPORT
After spending a few minutes discerning that the keyboard was either disconnected or had died, the Tech decides to shut down and asks the client to plug it back in.
Client: "I can't see where it would plug in."
Tech: "There should be a symbol next to it."
Client: "I can only see a picture of a cup of coffee and a bar of chocolate."
Tech: (trying not to giggle) "Could the cup of coffee be a picture of a mouse?"
Client: "Oh yes that's what it is."
Tech: "And the bar of chocolate...could that be a keyboard?"
Client: "Oh isn't that clever... "
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.
"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
A branch of a chain of stores burnt to the ground in the early morning. There was nothing left of the place. No stock, no computer system...nothing but a pile of ashes.
The very next day the Tech desk received a call from one of the people who had been out to the site to take a look at the ruins.
Client: "I'm trying to dial into the store and it won't connect, can you check it out and let me know what is wrong?"
Tech: "Isn't that the store that burnt down yesterday?"
Client: "Yep that's the one, I wanted to get some idea of the stockholding of the store."
Tech: "Can you hold on a second please?"
By some miracle of self control the tech managed to laugh shortly enough
and regain his composure quickly enough to be able to get back on the
Tech: "OK you were at the store yesterday?"
Client: "Yeah it's a real mess."
Tech: "So you saw the remains of the Server?"
Client: "Yeah there wasn't much left."
Tech: "And the modem...?"
Client: "I didn't take much notice of it..........."
After about ten seconds of silence
Client: "Oh now I get it" (real genius this one) "The power's off..."
THE TOP 9 SIGNS YOU'RE DATING A PSYCHOLOGY MAJOR
9. You awake in the middle of the night to a tape repeating, "This time it's true love... This time it's true love..."
8. You get an electric shock every time you leave the toilet seat up.
7. Everything she says sounds interesting but has no practical value.
6. A trip to any fast food joint always results in ketchup-and-napkin Rorschach tests.
5. After you fall down the stairs, she asks "How does that make you feel?"
4. Instead of a goodnight kiss, she leaves you with, "Looks like our time's about up".
3. Win one lousy game of Nintendo and suddenly you're a manic bipolar schizophrenic with blatant passive-aggressive tendencies.
2. During arguments calmly says, "What I hear is that you can't stand my overly rational, Spock-like approach, and that you feel I should have the stick extracted from my ass. Is that correct?"
and TopFive's Number 1 Sign You're Dating a Psychology Major...
1. You're rewarded with a peanut every time you correctly hit the G spot.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1998, 2001 by Chris White
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