THE WEEKLY RIOT
February 9, 2001
Love is a force more formidable than any other. It is invisible; it cannot be seen or measured. Yet it is powerful enough to transform you in a moment, and offer you more joy than any material possession ever could.
from "Chicken Soup for the Soul"
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy? It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month...
If beauty is only skin deep, I must be inside out!
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2001, Chris White
I think future historians will date the fall of western civilization from the decision to put artificial nipples on the mannequins at J.C. Penney. Bob Van Voris
Wouldn't one or two anal probes tell aliens everything they need to know about that particular facet of human physiology? Maybe their ships run on methane and they're just re-fueling. Kevin Wickart
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POSSIBLE WARNING (NOT a joke): I don't know how accurate this is, since it's reported in Pravda (Russia's news source) and said to be occurring in the UK, but they're reporting incidents of Mad Cow Disease in cats from eating canned pet food and saying it could possibly affect dogs also, but here's the link to the article: Pravda.RU:Main
MEDICINE: Dr. Stuart Meloy, an anesthesiologist and pain specialist in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, has just patented a pain device he uses for its ability to cause orgasm. The device is a spinal cord stimulator made by device company Medtronic. Meloy is now trying to talk Medtronic into marketing the device for this use. (Implant Achieves Female Orgasm)
[This explains why my Chiropractor was wearing heels and a garter belt the last time I saw him...]
POLITICS: Famed attorney Alan Dershowitz is writing "Supreme Injustice," a book about the Supreme Court's controversial 5-4 decision that effectively ended last year's presidential campaign.
[Printed on 100% recycled chads...]
BUSINESS: A survey conducted by Progressive Insurance shows that 45 percent of married Americans rank their car as the thing most important to them, while only 10 percent listed their spouse or significant other.
[That's because car bodies stay firm and they're easier to turn on...]
TV: The other day, Good Morning America featured the births of babies across the country. As the show progressed, the hosts checked in on the progress of expectant mothers in Boston, Houston, and Dallas. At one point, Charlie Gibson said: "This is like covering a golf tournament, going to all the
different holes."
INTERNET: Australian inventor Dominic Choy has applied to patent his design for a virtual reality sex doll, a "lifelike flexible mannequin covered with imitation skin". It would be powered by tiny motors to respond to a user's touch or to signals from a partner delivered via an Internet connection. A virtual reality headset would allow partners to "see" each other and could be programmed so that partners would resemble famous actors or pop stars.
[I know I'm personally looking forward to having sex with Fred Mertz...]
BLONDE NEWS: A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular contraceptive jelly because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway. And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent chance of collecting!
"The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception?" But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false advertising issues. "She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public relations any." A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman.
"Next thing you know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste. I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?'" But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the hardship the woman will have to endure. "It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team. "And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a condom. But who has time to sit around reading directions these days - especially when you're sexually aroused?" "The company should call it something else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant." As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit. "It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits," said another attorney. "With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer groups, the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal action against businesses even a moronic legal action like this." (Philadelphia, Pa.)
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2001, by SodaMail
OOPS Katica Crippen, 33, was convicted for distributing drugs, did some time then was let out on probation. Katica didn't like the law
all that well and when her boyfriend wanted to take pictures of her holding some firearms she agreed. Somehow he talked her into taking her clothes off for the pictures. Well the pictures ended up on the Internet (what doesn't these days?) and unfortunately for her, they show her wearing her ankle monitoring bracelet - she was arrested and can now serve an additional 78 months in prison (felons aren't allowed to carry weapons). (Denver Post)
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2001, Jim Rosenberg
French researchers on Tuesday unveiled what they believe is man's oldest known ancestor, at 6 million years old.
[The press conference was attended by a large group of interested biologists, media, and a highly made-up Anna Nicole Smith.]
Workers at the Miami Seaquarium ate a stew made from the flesh from a protected species of sea turtle that died in the facility's care.
[The embarrassed employees said through their attorney that it was just a mistake they were just trying to vote for Al Gore.]
THE TOP 15 MAFIA VALENTINES
15. My love for you...
it came and went.
So your feet are now
in wet cement.
14. I'm here to fulfill
your fondest wishes
Now that your husband
sleeps with the fishes.
13. Lie down with me
It's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying
wit' Jimmy Hoffa.
12. I picked up this card
from a slim selection,
But that's all they offer
in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe
11. I've waited so long for you to be mine!
Now that Sinatra's dead, be *my* Valentine.
10. Be my Valentine ... and we can do it execution-style.
9. Cinderella got her fella,
with a slipper made of glass.
So please be mine, Valentine,
or I'll have to whack your ass.
8. Violets are blue, roses are red.
I blew up your car So why ain't you dead?
7. The day we met, my little pet,
I knew with just one look,
You'd bear a son, and now that's done,
So shut your mouth and cook!
6. Hey.
5. Youse da greatest.
Youse da best.
But you're untouchable
Like Elliot Ness.
4. Lust is fleeting,
True love lingers.
Be mine always
And you'll keep your fingers.
3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know,
dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.
2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand,
So I won't be a self-made man.
and the Number 1 Mafia Valentine's Day Greeting...
1. When a goon makes you die,
cuz you told him goodbye
that's amore!
FOR DEMOCRATS ONLY
(by Patt Morrison of the Los Angeles Times)
President's Day is coming up on February 19. We all need to make a donation, however small, to a pro choice organization and have a card sent to Bush basically saying: "President Bush, a donation has been made in your name to Planned Parenthood."
TWO NEW BUMPER STICKERS:
SUPREME W. COURT
RE-ELECT AL GORE!
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
WHAT THEY SAID
&
WHAT THEY MEANT
We all have met people that say one thing and mean another. Many well known people have spoken out on various topics. We have listed some quotes and what we believe was actually meant.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"Government will never be replaced by charities and community groups."
George W. Bush.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
Charities and community groups will be replaced by government.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I condemn those things which are condemnable."
Senator John Ashcroft during his Senate confirmation hearing for attorney general.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I condemn those things which are condemnable. Though it depends on your definition whether racists are condemnable. What I think is condemnable may be different from what Senator Kennedy thinks is condemnable.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I think it is also fair to say that I know the difference between an enactment role and an enforcement role."
Senator John Ashcroft, on his views against abortion, during his Senate confirmation hearing for attorney general.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I will do neither enactment or enforcement with regards to abortion or a woman's right to choose.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"Some wear leather. Some kill another kind of animal as sport. Why shouldn't sportsmen have the same rights to their private choices as everyone else?"
British fox hunter supporter David Lidington, on British legislation outlawing the traditional fox hunt.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
Having a mad pack of dogs chase a fox till death is a sport.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I will treat the office with care, never take it for granted and always remember to whom it belongs."
- George W. Bush, on the office of the presidency.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I will always remember it belongs to Al Gore.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"It's not immoral. We share a love and a commitment to each other that as far as I'm concerned is a gift from God, and no one is ever going to make me feel bad about it. Never."
Debb Eaton, the first contestant voted off "Survivor: The Australian Outback," defending on CBS' "Early Show," her engagement to her stepson.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I'm a big Woody Allen fan.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"The president does not support using taxpayer funds to provide abortions,"
White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer, on the Bush Administration plan to reinstate a ban on U.S. funding to international family planning organizations that provide abortion counseling or abortions
WHAT THEY MEANT,
The government doesn't help them get pregnant or get abortions. Women that can't afford abortions are out of luck.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"The ambitions of some Americans are limited by failing schools, and hidden prejudice and the circumstances of their birth,"
George W. Bush.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
If I had gone to a failed school, had hidden prejudices against me, I still would be president because of the circumstance of my birth.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I'm also pleased to be here with all of my friends from Florida because we made it happen."
Florida Governor Jeb Bush, on his brother becoming president.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
If I hadn't pulled some strings we wouldn't be here, Al Gore would.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"Former President Clinton has not given an adequate explanation as to why Mr. Rich deserved a pardon,"
Rep. Dan Burton, on the former president pardoning fugitive financier Marc Rich.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
With President Clinton gone, I will have to actually work legislating however I would rather waste more taxpayer money investigating Clinton.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"This is no time for evasions, denials or alibis. I fully accept responsibility and I am truly sorry for my actions."
Rev. Jesse Jackson, admitting that he fathered a child out of wedlock.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I am truly sorry that I did not wear a condom.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"For me, the law is about the promise of justice...All men and all women, all people are equal."
Senator John Ashcroft, in his opening statement to the Senate for his confirmation hearing for attorney general.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I promise justice to anyone who is straight, white, Christian and Republican.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I know the difference between enacting and enforcing the law. It means advancing the nation's interest, not advocating my personal interest."
Senator John Ashcroft during his Senate confirmation hearing for attorney general.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
First and fore most they are spelled differently. Secondly, I believe that advancing my personal interest IS advancing our nation's interest.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I don't think anybody will have anything to say about it if I spend a night with my wife."
Former President William Jefferson Clinton, on trips to Washington.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
Nobody will have anything to say about it but they will be surprised.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I am mad as hell, for the sanctity of my home has been violated."
South Carolina Gov. Jim Hodges, after 2 guards were charged with letting prison inmates have sex at the Governor's residence.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
Nobody has sex in my house, not even me!
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I read 2 to 4 books a week depending on how hard they are."
Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, a frequent reviewer on Amazon.com.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I read 2 to 4 books a week depending on how difficult they are to color.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I wouldn't want any unneutered Clintons in my house."
Former Labor Secretary nominee Linda Chavez wondering about the reproductive status of Socks the cat, whom she has offered to adopt.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
Although illegal, unneutered, aliens who work for me are okay in my house.
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 2001, Comedyzine, Inc.
THE TOP 14 WAYS TO ANNOY THE GEORGE . BUSH ADMINISTRATION
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Exiting staff members of the Clinton administration pulled a prank in which they removed the "w" key from keyboards in the White House to welcome the incoming administration of George W. Bush. Thankfully, e don't have to orry about stuff like that around here...
14. Do ngrade presidential cable service; no more Cartoon Net ork.
13. Program the President's teleleprompter to duduplicate syllabubles.
12. Update return address labels to:
Extremely Pale House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue North-But-a-Little-to-the-Left
Cleanington, D.C. 20500-0003
11. Hide the hiskey.
10. Hang a portrait of President Clinton ith eyes that follo Bush around the room.
9. Start campaign to get Katherine Harris listed in " ho's ho in American Government."
8. Schedule eekly intervie s ith Barbara alters, then ask the hite House secretary for phonetic transcripts.
7. Tell George the missing letters are in the corner of the Oval Office.
6. Circulate fake staff emails using the phrase " ays in the military"; see frantic aides search for any other missing keys.
5. Rene all the adult magazine subscriptions delivered to "Occupant - 1600 Pennsylvania Ave."
4. Keep reminding them that " e on" just on't ash.
3. Refer to the hite House as Compound Dubya.
2. Every damn question at every damn press conference: " hazzzzuuuup?!?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 ay To Annoy the George . Bush Administration...
1. Ask hether they noticed any particular fla s in last year's election process.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2001 by Chris White
THE SEX OBJECT
The attractive Yuppette, admired by all the husbands at the club, was talking to one of the wives over drinks. "I've developed an immunity to being used by men as a sex object."
The wife grinned and replied, "That's not surprising darling... considering the number of times you've been inoculated."
MORE FROM THE NEW MILLENNIUM DICTIONARY BREAKING UP
Crowbarring: When a loved one hacks open your chest to remove your heart. (Figurative)
Heisman: Getting stiff-armed. "Dude, she's giving me the Heisman."
Spatula'd: When your faith in man has been so flattened, you need to be scraped off the sidewalk.
Vietnam: A destructive relationship that's hard to leave. "I can't forget that jerk. He's my Vietnam."
ALL NEW HUSBAND 1.0 UPGRADES
Dear Tech Support:
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!
Sincerely, XXX
Dear XXX:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.
Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.
After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Tech Support
SURVIVOR, TEXAS STYLE
Network television is developing a Texas version of "Survivor", the popular TV show. Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Ft. Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads:
"I'm for Gore, wildlife, the environment, peace, syntax, intellect, choice, new energy, and consumer rights. I'm Jewish, gay and I'm here to take your guns."
The first to complete the round trip is the winner.
CLINTON'S DEPARTURE
As the former President is leaving for the last time, getting on the helicopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea."
... The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir."
CHADSWORTH BUSH
Laura Bush, an amateur genealogical researcher, discovered that her husband's great-great uncle, Chadsworth Bush, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Texas in 1889.
The only known photograph of Chadsworth Bush shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Chadsworth Bush; horse thief, sent to Texas Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Texas Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
After letting George W. Bush and his staff of professional image consultants peruse the findings, they decided to crop Chadsworth's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edit it with image processing software so that the biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press as follows:
Chadsworth Bush was a famous rancher in early Texas history. His
business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian
assets and intimate dealings with the Texas railroad. Beginning in
1883, he devoted several years to service at a government
facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the
railroad.
In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the
renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Chadsworth Bush
passed away during an important civic function held in his honor
when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.
And thus passed the very first "hanging Chad."
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