THE WEEKLY RIOT
February 2, 2001
Our situation on this Earth seems strange. Every one of us appears here involuntarily, and uninvited, for a short stay without knowing why. To me it is enough to wonder at the secrets.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
George W. Bush was asked how he felt about Roe v. Wade. He said it was the most important decision George Washington had to make before crossing the Delaware.
I enjoy the simple little pleasures of life, but every once in a while I want a big expensive one thrown in there, too.
Remember, you can catch more flies with a teaspoon of honey than with a barrel of vinegar. Of course, what you're going to do with a bunch of sticky flies is your problem.
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2001, Chris White
Sometimes I get really depressed and I think life isn't worth living. Then I look around and see all the wonder and miracles around me and I realize life is worth living...just not *my* life. Lili Von Schtupp
My elderly aunts used to come up to me at family weddings, poke me in the ribs, cackle and tell me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. Matthew Williams
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said yesterday that the Bush White House is cataloging reports of farewell pranks by departing Clinton staffers. They graffiti scrawled on an office hallway, severed phone lines, and unflattering pictures of Bush were left in a copier.
[Plus when he turned around and left, Fleischer had a paper "Kick Me" sign taped to his back...]
According to a new poll, published Tuesday, sixty-one percent of the American public says they aren't interested in reading a book by Hillary Clinton.
[Unless she changes the title to: "I Killed Vince Foster at Whitewater Savings & Loan After a Lesbian Experience with a White House Intern" by Senator Hillary Clinton...]
BUSINESS: Responding to consumer complaints, the Safeway supermarket chain has announced that it will no longer just make gingerbread men, but will produce an equal number of gingerbread women.
[Feminists can be happy now you can dismember and bite the head, arms, and legs off women now, too, just like men...]
PEOPLE: Charles Mordret and Yeshim Aktas were married Saturday in North America's first ice hotel in Quebec City. The couple exchanged vows in the heart of the hotel, which is built of 4,500 tons of snow and 250 tons of ice.
[How was the honeymoon? One word: shrinkage...]
TRANSPORTATION: A scooter-like device, designed by inventor Dean Kamen, has a built-in global positioning system that would allow users to punch in a destination, stand back and enjoy the ride. Using gyroscopes, computers and internal sensors, "Ginger" can negotiate rocks and small obstacles. The scooter is believed to be powered by tiny hydrogen cells.
[Most men prefer to ride Mary Ann, actually...]
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2001, by SodaMail
BOTTOMS UP: (Clayton, Mo.) Daniel Everett, 38, thought he had just the right joke gift for his girlfriend. What, you ask? Answer: photocopies of his behind. So he, apparently in the excitement of the moment went into crowded lobby of the St. Louis County Courthouse and made photocopies of his buttocks. Police came in time to find him holding two copies he had already made. He was making a third. (USA Today)
BENT QUOTE OF THE OBVIOUS: "What did I do? What did I do?" Everett's
question to the police when arrested (above story).
UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT AWARD: (Muskegon Heights, Mich.) A woman decided she needed to pick up a few extra items at the local Family Dollar store so she put them into her purse unpaid for. The woman allegedly set off an anti-theft alarm as she fled a Family Dollar store and dropped her purse in the parking lot while being chased. The police took the bag to the police station. Later the woman, not being all that smart to begin with, called the police telling of her loss. When she went to the police station to retrieve her lost purse, she was promptly arrested.
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2001, Jim Rosenberg
Vice President Dick Cheney turned 60 years old on Tuesday.
[The Cheneys would like to let the American people know they appreciate their generosity, but please no more "I'm With Stupid" t-shirts.]
A new Georgia flag with a much smaller Confederate battle emblem was hoisted above the statehouse Wednesday.
[The flag is being promoted in African American communities as, "Now with 30% less slavery!"]
The German government announced Wednesday that it would slaughter an estimated 400,000 cattle in an attempt to curb mad cow disease.
[Not fully understanding the announcement, the French nonetheless unconditionally surrendered.]
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2001, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
BUSH GETS DIVINE ENDORSEMENT: (Washington, D.C.) Richard Weaver made news when he waltzed through security at George W. Bush's inauguration party to shake hands with the newly minted president. Now, in an interview from his Sacramento home, Weaver tells reporters that he was
delivering a message from God and was granted a mystical ability to pass undetected. "I see it as a miracle," said the self-proclaimed Christian minister. "I believe God makes me invisible to the security." Capitol Police said that the trespasser at Bush's inauguration also pulled a similar stunt at President Clinton's second inauguration in 1997.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blond. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off. Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear"
"Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?"
"Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over."
"That's right. Over and out."
They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage. "Hello, Pig 2? Come in please."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear."
"OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program."
"That's right, Pig 2. Over and out."
An hour later when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again. "Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?"
"Kiki here, reading you loud and clear."
"Kiki, do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons."
VERBALLY EXECUTING THE OAF OF OFFICE
(by Mike Downey, Los Angeles Times)
Inauguration day is a day away, but you can already picture it a proud father standing in the background as George Walker Bush places a hand on the Bible and raises another, to take the oath of office:
"Quiet, daddy, I'm being 'naugurated."
"The other hand, George."
"Left hand on the Bible, right hand in the air."
"Yes, I'm sure."
"And this one's the left?"
"Got it. OK, go ahead, I'm ready to be sweared in now."
"Repeat after me," the 43rd president will then be told.
"I do solemnly swear..."
"I do solemnly swear..."
"That I will faithfully execute..."
"That I will fatally execute..."
"Not fatally faithfully."
"OK, that I'll faithfully execute..."
"The office of president of the United States..."
"The office of president of the United States..."
"And will, to the best of my ability..."
"And will do the best of my ability..."
"TO the best."
"Do the best of my ability to the best of my ability?"
"No, TO the best of my ability..."
"Preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States..."
"Preserve, protect and prevent the Constitution of the United States..."
"So help me God."
"Help me, God!"
And that'll do it. George W. Bush will thereupon become the occupant at 1600 Pennsylvania, the king of the hill, the top banana, the head cheese, the leader of the free world.
The first thing curious George will probably do in office is call a meeting of his top aides to ask: "OK, which part of the world isn't free?"
The second thing he'll do is find a closet where he can hang his 100 red ties next to his 100 blue ties.
The third thing he'll do is put Dick Cheney's and Colin Powell's phone numbers on speed dial, for anything important that comes up.
And that's just the first 24 hours of the next four years.
After the inauguration, there will be only 1,460 days or so remaining in Bush's first term. We can start X'ing off days on our calendars right away, like convicts scrawling on cell walls.
It shouldn't take very long for Bush to begin putting his personal imprint on the presidency.
For example, if the governor of Minnesota can do it, there is no good reason why President Bush can't freelance as a TV analyst for the Xtreme Football League.
Furthermore, GWB's fireside chats could become as popular as FDR's. He can even reassure us in times of crisis...say if Saddam Hussein stirs up trouble and Bush has to threaten "to send American troops to Ireland."
It'll be President Bush who will give our next "State of the Union" address, saying that he's pretty sure there are 50, including Alaska and Hawaii.
President Bush who will never be able to remember which one's NASA and which one's NATO.
President Bush who will think a subcommittee runs a boat that travels underwater.
President Bush who will hear about Burkina Faso and hope to meet her someday.
President Bush who will think the Bureau of the Census has something to do with sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch.
President Bush who will ask how many greens got damaged, because he's heard about a hurricane hitting the Golf region.
President Bush who will say that he hopes to represent the American people just as our founding fathers like George Jefferson did.
The word inauguration comes from "to augur," or to practice augury.
In ancient Rome, an augur was any of a body of officials who interpreted omens as favorable or unfavorable, at the outset of a new undertaking.
So, may there be no bad omens as our new president's rule begins on Saturday.
Let us all pray for a perfect day, before George W. Bush begins fatally executing the office of president.
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
DUBYA'S INAUGURAL ADDRESS SECOND DRAFT
My fellow Armenians:
As I stand here today, looking over this magnificent viagra, I think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar approach. I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it. Americans have made their decision. They don't need sympathy; they need ablutions.
We need to move beyond the petty armadillos. Politics doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie higher. A high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their family on the table. That's my record: I side with most of the people...and Democrats be people too.
A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his baseball team's families, but of all American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and who are the wrong Americans. All of us are together, white or wrong, black or right. Or perversely. That's why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And it will give our expansion a timely second dose of wind.
I say there's a cost to inaction. I haven't done the acrobatics, but it's probably around a trillion dollars. That's a good round sum to offer to everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who tragically has turrets syndrome. We need our seniors to be free to pass on. Thanks Mom, thanks Dad, thanks Jeb...and long live the Supreme Court...at least five of them.
We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great super-premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded. This is still a world of madmen and mental losses. And mental loss is easy to underestimate. We need a sharpened sword to light our way. To quote Ronald Reagan: "I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do something. And it must never run our lives."
I worked in Texas by common sense and plain dozing. I got on with small business, because I was one myself. I'm less now. But I'm also more. I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw to a quick confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire and untie. I will appeal to people's better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust the people we serve, and serve the people we trust. Together, we can do what needs to be done to preserve this great fruit basket of freedom.
....Leave us pray.
DUBYA'S FIRST NIGHT IN THE WHITE HOUSE
George W. Bush was thrilled at being able to spend his first night in the
White House, but something very strange happened. On the first night he was awakened by George Washington's ghost....
"President Washington,...what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised Washington.
With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn't sleep well and the next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.
"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government," Jefferson said.
Bush still couldn't sleep well and the on the third night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?", Bush asked.
"Take in a play," Lincoln replied.
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page]
THE RULES OF TECH SUPPORT
Unwritten rules from that highly over worked, but highly underpaid technical support staff of a computer support department near you...
1. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.
2. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the toaster to Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.
3. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced, "Help, the Internet is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.
4. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more than 3. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.
5. DO NOT (in addition to 4) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit that you're completely lost and leave the techno bullshit to us.
6. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.
7. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is screwed, it's screwed. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's screwed. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.
8. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For goodness sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some.
9. DO NOT tell us that this just happened on its own, as if your computer suddenly was inspired to break for no reason. Simply admit what you did to cause this, so we can help you fix it that much faster. Trying to salvage your pride will only make it worse, because we will find out what you did anyway, and then we will REALLY be annoyed at you for wasting our time.
10. DO NOT expect us to educate you in the most simple aspects of using a computer. If you can't figure out the difference between a right-click and a double-click, then you really shouldn't be using one in the first place. If you insist on doing so anyway, then take a class. Or you can pay us $35 an hour to teach you, because we won't do it for free.
MORE FUNNY QUOTES
I don't get the need for frozen sperm. It's not like we're running out of fresh squeezed. Jay Leno
When I log onto AOL it says, "You've got problems." Richard Lewis
CALVIN KLEIN has come out with two new political fragrances: Al Gore's Concession and George Bush's Recession. Jay Leno
Hillary hung a stocking in the Oval Office. Bill came in and automatically hid it under the couch." Jay Leno
Classified ad: Freezer marriage was cold enough. Freezer wasn't needed.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management. Fred Reiss
I like to go to concerts that are related, like Talking Heads with Simple Minds. I also rent videos together too. Last week I rented "Bambi" and "The Deerhunter." Mark Pitta
Last Halloween was bad for me. I got real beat up. I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Jim Samuels
I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town. Michael Prichard
I like to sing to the songs on the radio in my car. When I go into a tunnel, it's hard to come out on the right note. Actually, the news is more difficult. Mark Pitta
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
"What does the cow say?"
"That's good! Now, what does the cat say?"
"Very good! What does the frog say?"
AGGIE (OR INSERT COLLEGE OF YOUR CHOICE HERE) JOKE
Three aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Texas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Harvard.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
[Thanks again to John]
THE TOP 15 TENETS OF IDIOT PHYSICS
15. Magellan's Vox Theorem: Voice transmissions in a given language become understandable by non-speakers of that language when amplified beyond normal conversational volume, occasionally resulting in quicker directions to the bathroom.
14. Couch's law: An object in motion tends to stay in motion, unless there's something good on TV.
13. Constant of Luminosity: An otherwise intelligent adult, wanting to see if a flashlight works, will point it directly into his face before activating it, upon which he will become annoyed at his stupidity in temporarily blinding himself yet again.
12. The First Law of YeeHaw: Your 1972 Chevy Nova can beat a train to any intersection.
11. Doppler's E-mail Effect: Popularity is directly proportional to the quantity of number of chain-letter e-mails one forwards.
10. Disney's First Law of Humor: Comedy increases proportionally with the number of Dalmatians.
9. Saget's Theorem: For every action, there is an equal but opposite reaction that will ultimately result in a supposedly-amusing whack to the gonads.
8. Earl's Rule: A bowling ball's direction, y=Nx, contains a variable N which can be manipulated via postpartum contortions of the bowler.
7. The Theory of Rapitivity: E = MC Hammer
6. Sprint's Law of Teledynamics: A body at rest will stay at rest; a body in motion should keep calling up the body at rest, offering complicated long distance deals.
5. Foyt's Postulate: If everyone driving faster than you is a maniac, and everyone driving slower than you is an idiot, you can convert maniacs into idiots by driving as fast as possible.
4. Homeboy's Music/Genitalia Extrapolation: The louder the bass in your car radio, the bigger your penis.
3. Lite's Law: If an item is designated as "low-fat," one should consume as much of it as the stomach can possibly hold.
2. Harrelson's Law: The distance from your car to the Krispy Kreme drive-up window is in direct proportion to the number of bong hits you've taken.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Tenet of Idiot Physics...
1. Querrior's Theorem: The number of phone numbers one is likely to receive at a rave increases dramatically with the number of times one exclaims, "Zesty!"
The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well dressed and well spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.
So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off."
"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate, "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me."
And he began emptying his pockets on the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up ribbed ones, lubricated ones, Magnums, every variety imaginable.
"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He brandished two aspirin, swallowed them, and sure enough the wink went away in less than a minute.
"So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this stuff here? I don't want the company represented by some wild womanizer."
"No fear. I'm a happily married man."
"So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?"
"It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him earnestly. "Have you ever gone into a drug store, winking like crazy, and asked for a bottle of aspirin?"
Bizarre Patent #1: The Fart Collecting Device
UK Patent Application No. GB2289222. It comprises a gas-tight collecting tube for insertion into the rectum of the subject. The tube is connected to a gas-tight collecting bag (not shown). The end of the tube inserted into the subject is apertured and covered with a gauze filter and a gas permeable bladder which acts as the repository.
Now, the inventor of this device must surely had a problem. I made sure that these were actual patents issued. Only the British could believe that walking around with a tube wedged in your bottom makes perfect sense.
Bizarre Patent #2: The Flap Scrotum Enhancer
UK Patent Application No. GB2301524. A "Contoured Ulterior Pouch" (CUP). The cup hides and augments a man's scrotum, but has an opening leaving his penis free. "From time immemorial," says the inventor, "an integral element of the male psyche has been his awareness of the presence or absence of pronounced manly form in his loins. What man not generously blessed by nature, would not wish for the carefree confidence of his more robustly equipped fellows who suffer no modesty when their manly form naturally draws envious glances." This is actually like a trap door that exaggerates the "manly form". Another necessary invention for the chaps across the pond no doubt.
Copyright © 2001, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu: Let's sleep together
Ar u Wun Tu: A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift
Chow Mai Dong: Romantic proposition
Dum Gaui: A stupid person
Dung on Mai Shu: I stepped in excrement
Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are hiding a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host.
Kum Hia: Approach me
Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's island
Lao Zi: Not very good
Lin Ching: An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American Space program
Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai: A bashful person
Si Ling Fan: A device to keep you cool
Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse
Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people
Tu Kan Chew: 69
Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice.
Wan Burn Lung: A person with T.B.
Wel Hung Gai: Is that a banana in your pocket?
Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
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