The WEEKLY RIOT Ч January 26, 2001

Every experience in life, everything with which we have come in contact in life, is a chisel which has been cutting away at our life statue, molding, modifying, shaping it. We are part of all we have met.а Everything we have seen, heard, felt, or thought has had its hand in molding us, shaping us.

Ч Orson Swett Marden

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)

Year (n.): A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. Ч Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

According to a new book, they asked 50 women what they would do if they had a male sex organ for one day. Most of them said, "Probably get a salary increase." Ч Jay Leno

My sex life is so bad that when I called one of those phone sex lines, a voice came on and said, "Not tonight. I have an earache."

I know I'm not going to ever understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

My 5 year old daughter was explaining how the brain works, by making other parts of your body move. I asked her how the messages travel down the spinal cord, and she explained that there are nerds in there that carry the messages.

Sign seen in a veterinarian's office: "All children left unattended will be given a free kitten".

I always start my New Year's resolutions on the second. The second hell freezes over. Ч Rick Kreher

Whoever said, "No man is an island," has obviously never seen my stomach in the bath tub. Ч Bruce Streibel

Does this condom make me look fat? Ч Anonymous

I was thinking about this whole impeachment thing, and if oral sex equals impeachment, then I wouldn't mind being impeached, like, 4 or 5 times a day. In fact, I wouldn't mind being impeached while I'm writing this. Ч Curt Harris

POLITICS:

George W. Bush lost his middle initial from many computer keyboards at the Old Executive Office Building in the White House complex.а In an apparent prank carried out by departing Clinton administration staffers, Bush aides discovered that dozens of computer keyboards were missing the "W" key.
[The question is; "hy?"]

Michael Powell, son of Secretary of State-designate Colin Powell, is the leading contender to be nominated by President-elect Bush as the next FCC chairman.
[I'd accuse Bush of nepotism, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't know what it means...]

SCIENCE:

A small earthquake rattled the New York City metropolitan area on Wednesday morning, but no injuries or damage were reported.
[There were huge holes in the street, large cracks on the sidewalk, crumbling buildings Ч in other words, no change...]

Citing his music as a source of inspiration and good luck, paleontologists have named a 70-million-year-old dinosaur after former Dire Straits guitarist Mark Knopfler. Dubbed "Masiakasaurus knopfleri," the creature is a 6-foot long meat-eater, about the size of a German shepherd dog, with unusual protruding teeth.
[Actually it looks more like an ancestor of Keith Richards...]

BUSINESS: Less than a week after a major revamp at CNN, newly formed media giant AOL Time Warner is shaking up several other divisions in a move that will result in at least 1,000 more jobs being lost.
["Please wait a moment, while AOL updates your unemployment records"...]

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--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright й 2001, by SodaMail

BENT STATISTIC: Average number of times an American male swears everyday? 16

BENT STATISTIC II: Average number of times you fall in love during your life? 6

PUPPYа LOVE: (Tehran) Ч A 20-year-old Iranian man has married a 77-year-old virgin in a village in the east of the country, newspapers said Wednesday. They said the youthful groom, Hesam Khalili, had wed septuagenarian Fatemeh Jamshidi Khakhi in the village of Gonabad in Khorasan bordering Afghanistan.а Ali Pourhossein, a local civil servant responsible for registering marriages, approved the match between the young man and what newspapers called the "happy girl," saying both were in perfect health and there was no legal barrier to their nuptials. (Reuters)
[He'll easily beat the 6 loves in a life averageЕ]

GORE'S NEXT JOB:а A survey by The Washington Post came up with what the readers thought outgoing Vice President Gore's next job should be.а The winners?ааBookmobile driver for the Clinton library, School Crossing Guard: Nerd heaven, nifty uniform, and he gets to enjoy himself telling everyone else what to do, and taking Fred Roger's place on 'Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.а (Washington Post)

NOT SO BENT: (Brasilia) Ч Dr. Paulo Palma, a Brazilian urologist,аconducted tests on 150 Brazilian men, and compared it to U.S. data from a 1997 study presented by the American Urological Association and found that the private parts of Brazilian men are about the size of a Nokia cellular telephone with the antenna, while U.S. men compare to A Nokia cellular phone without an antenna. (Reuters)
[I would have loved to see the title of the research proposalЕ.]

REASON #32 FOR NOT LIVING IN INDIA: When a bus skidded into a river just outside New Delhi, all seventy-eight passengers drowned because they belonged to two separate castes and refused to share the same rope to climb ashore to safety.

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--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright й 2001, Jim Rosenberg

President Bush told California last week to solve its own electricity shortage.
[Fair enough.а He's been making do with his own dim bulb for years.]

Newly merged media giant AOL Time Warner Inc. will cut about 2,400 jobs, or 3 percent of its workforce.
[The entire "Department of Insisting It's Your Local Phone Company's Fault" will be spared.]

Two research teams at University College in London found that ordinary rat cells can grow and divide indefinitely.
[Impressive work, but wasn't this already proved by the number of lawyers down in Florida during the election dispute?]

In a $1 billion lawsuit, 15 Palm Beach County Florida residents are aiming to prove that Prudential Insurance sold bogus policies.
[Apparently, they thought they were buying life insurance policies, but were really contributing to the campaign of Pat Buchanan.]

The Iraqi government, at a meeting chaired by President Saddam Hussein, agreed to donate $94 million to poor Americans.
[It's all part of his new "Compassionate Terrorism" initiative.]

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--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright й 2001, by Pulse Direct, Inc.

SCOTS SICK OF SCI-FI JUNKIES INVADING THEIR CYBERSPACE: (Balfron, Scotland Ч Stardate 01.12.2001.) Residents of a Scottish village are being bombarded by e-mails from sci-fi junkies trying to make contact with a fictional planet they saw in the movie Star Wars. The 2,057 inhabitants of Balfron have become fed up of explaining to Americans that their community is not inhospitable and that it nestles in the Endrick Valley and not outer space. The Balfron Heritage Group has decided to settle the matter once and for all by setting up a website outlining the village's topography and history. According to group member Jim Thomson, "We get thousands of tourists a year in this area and many of them recognize the name from Star Wars. I would hate for us to be compared to the planet as it seems a pretty grim place."

With that in mind ...

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog. There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer.

At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of."

And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, he graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin. Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill.

His son's name? Sir Winston Churchill.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around. Think about it. Be a friend to someone this week. You never know...

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:

Х Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so."

Х To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.

Х Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.

Х Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.

Х Do you have a treasured childhood toy? Perhaps a stuffed animal, such as a teddy bear? Well, let's see Mr. Bear help you now!

Х For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-of-control fires that consumed most of the city.

Х A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, and work in doorways.

Х Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.

Х In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table, or your boss.

Х If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you've wasted your life.

Х Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

Х The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating
in it.

Х Mid-life women no longer have upper arms Ч we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Х You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

Х Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!)

Х Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves, and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Х It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life Ча jiggly, yes; jiggy, no.

Х Mid-life is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (More red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin.)

Х Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"

Х Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.

Х Mid-life is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a control top flea collar.

Х Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.

Х You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions: "What is life?" "Why am I here?" "How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?"

These are from an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on,
who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" Ч Age 15

"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends." Ч Age 8

"I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween." Ч Age 13

"For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out." Ч Age 6

"When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell." Ч Age 5

"If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started." Ч Age 15

The Benefits of Farting Explained; 1727
[I've already read this to my wife.]

Performing Goats; 1895
[This is actually a children's book.]

New Guinea Tapeworms and Jewish Grandmothers; 1981
[One can only fantasize about the connection here.]

How to Cook Roadkill: Gourmet Cooking; 1987

Old Age: Its Cause and Prevention; 1912
[We think time is the culprit and the only prevention is death. But that hasn't been proven conclusively yet.]

NOTE FROM CHRIS: Scientists recently announced that they've genetically engineered a monkey Ч the closest relative to a human being to be genetically altered thus far.а The baby rhesus monkey supposedly looks and acts like any other baby monkey.

15. They always demand a recount after the "one banana, two banana" game.

14. AOL chatroom intelligence increases 27%.

13. Ben Stiller now routinely being passed over for movie roles in favor of better specimens.

12. That "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" thing can now be performed by a single six-armed monkey.

11. 5 Words:а Engorged Red Butt Of Death!

10. The ones that can fly scare the holy crap out of Kansas farm girls.

9. They taste great AND they're less filling.

8. Instead of screeching hysterically when Procter & Gamble scientists inject Drano into their bloodstream, they now recite "Canterbury Tales" in an annoying English accent.

7. Voter accuracy in Palm Beach County hits all-time highs.

6. Now 19% more masturbatory!

5. Little change, since the lonely research scientists decided to add only the "Jennifer Aniston hair" gene.

4. Can now throw a feces curveball that makes Greg Maddux look like a Little Leaguer.

3. New improved monkeys 30% more amusing when dressed up like little cowboys.

2. With a few grooming tips, any five of them could put N*Sync out of business.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Side Effect in Genetically Engineered Monkeys...

1. Still need an infinite number of typewriters, but no longer need artificial lighting source.

"Dance like no one's watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one's listening, live like it's heaven on earth."

This quote has been attributed to William Pukey, but there are several versions with several attributions.

Nonetheless, the saying is well-known and, being a bit sappy, has gathered many addenda. Some are fit to print. Each should be read as the final recommendation, like so:

Dance like no one is watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one is listening, live like it's heaven on earth, and fart like you're the only one in the elevator.

... work like you don't need the money.

... run like somebody's chasing you.

... pray like you're falling from the balcony.

... grin like you just got laid.

... watch WWF like it was real.

... pay your taxes like you are fearful of prison sex.

... show pride like you don't still live with your parents.

... reboot like Windows could work.

I gaze at the brilliant full moon.

The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me.

I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.

I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to Utopia and I show him a copy of the Constitution.

I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table.

Then I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one.

They gasp with wonder.

We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

15. Attendance is mandatory at all staff meetings and Adam Sandler movies.

14. An air-conditioned cubicle awaits the employee who finds a loophole in the "eternal youth" clause of Dick Clark's contract.

13. Employees must wash hands after each visit to the Chamber of Horrific Tortures.

12. No magazines allowed in the break room, except for the Paula Jones issue of Penthouse.

11. All employees must finish their daily gallon of beans during morning break.

10. Never refer to the CEO as "Satan" Ч he's "Mr. Satan" or "Coach Satan."

9. For employees working an alternative work week, unspeakable anguish may be substituted for eternal damnation every other Friday.

8. Break room TV schedule:
         6pm-6am - "Veronica's Closet"
         6am-6pm - More "Veronica's Closet"

7. Absolutely no microwave popcorn allowed Ч it always burns and stinks up the whole underworld.

6. Excessive loitering by the water cooler results in 10 hours in the Iron Maiden, then public drawing and quartering, twice daily for a week.а Second and subsequent infractions are taken more seriously.

5. Gasoline suits need not be worn on Casual Leap Days.

4. Do NOT urinate on the masochists Ч it tends to lift morale.

3. In the event of the Cubs winning the pennant, all employees are to calmly make their way to the emergency shelter where parkas and earmuffs will be issued.

2. No parking in spaces reserved for Ms. Harris, Mr. Gates or Mr. Simpson.

    and Topfive.com's Number 1 Corporate Rule for Employees of Hell, Inc...

1. Your only choices for investing your 401(k) money: Priceline.com and eToys.com

Х It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

Х My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.

Х The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Х I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

Х I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

Х I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Х I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Х The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

Х If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Х And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Х You could run this over to your friends, but why not just e-mail it to them!

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: Why did God create snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to be standing here in front of you, ready to serve all Americans in the 46 states.

I had to get up a little earlier than I planned this morning. You can bet your big Texas ass that the next time we do this inauguration thing I'll be scheduling it for about 4 in the afternoon.

To my predecessor, President Clinton, all I can say is, you're a dog.а A big ass horned dog.а I've signed an Executive Order this morning which will fumigate the cigar smoke smell from the Oval Office and get those spots out of the carpet.

To Senator Clinton, while you're on Capitol Hill screwing the American public, your husband's going to do the same.а One lady at a time.а State by state.а All 52 of 'em.

To my dad, President Bush, I've signed another Executive Order changing your name to 'Chester Finklebine'.а It's going to be hard enough being the president of these 37 states without getting confused over which one of us I am."

President Carter, don't you have a Humanity Habitat to build or something?а Some peanuts to harvest?а A third-world election to monitor or something?а President Ford to trip down the stairs or something?

Oh, I've got the cutest joke about President Reagan, who can't be here today, of course.а It seems that Nancy got a call from the doctor who told her that Ronnie had either AIDS or Alzheimer's, but he couldn't remember which one.а His advice was, "If he finds his way home, don't fuck him."

Vice President Cheney will be handling all of the really hard work of the US Government, including writing down anyone's name who didn't laugh at my Reagan joke.

Vice President Gore:а Nyah Nyah Na Na Nyah!аа [Note to self, do a little 'hamster dance' to gloat.]

That's it.а I've got some brush to clear on my ranch, and take a big-ass nap, so I'm taking off for a vacation right after this speech, and I'm leaving Dick in charge.а Any of you in the 57 states who have a question, call Dick.а Just don't forget who's really in charge."

13. Top 5 Reasons Dick Clark's Hair Is Still Brown

12. Top 5 Signs Adam Sandler is Too Old to be Reelected President

11. Top 5 Signs Your Galactiball Team Won't Beat the Ganymede Cosmobots This Astroyear

10. Top 5 Strom Thurmond Campaign Slogans

9. Top 5 Revived Walt Disney Pet Peeves

8. Top 5 Surprises on The Rolling Stones' New Tour

7. Top 5 Signs You, Too, Might Be a Distant Relative of William Jefferson Clinton

6. Top 5 Ways To Tell Your Parents You're Straight

5. Top 5 Benefits of the USA/Microsoft Merger

4. Top 5 Reasons to Pull the Life Support on the 110-Year-Old Olsen Twins

3. Top 5 Signs You Went Outside Without Your SPF 250 Sunblock

2. Top 5 Things You Don't Want to Find in Your Dinner Pill

and TopFive's Number 1 Top 5 List Topic in the Year 2098...

1. Top 5 Signs Your Roommate's Sexdroid is in the Shop

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T H E W E E K L Y R I O T January 26, 2001

T H E W E E K L Y R I O T

January 26, 2001