The WEEKLY RIOT Ч January 19, 2001

I am convinced that the Universe is under the control of a loving purpose. Behind the harsh appearances of the world, there is a Divine Power. By reaching into and beyond ourselves and tapping into Love, we shall overcome these evils. Love, Truth, and Courage to do what is right should be our own guideposts on this lifelong journey.

Ч Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968)

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)

The means by which we live have outdistanced the ends for which we live. Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. Ч Martin Luther King, Jr.

POLITICS: Ricky Martin will join Van Morrison and Kelsey Grammer to kick off the presidential inauguration of George W. Bush, singing amid skydivers and fireworks at a Lincoln Memorial gala on Jan. 18...
[A gay Latin singer, a hippie rocker and a drunken driver... Say what you want Ч Dubya is inclusive!]

TRAVEL: A survey of travelers' habits by the Novotel hotel chain in Australia and New Zealand found that women were messier than men and more likely to steal a hotel towel. Women are generally quieter than men in hotel rooms, but they make more noise during sex. The only time men are noisier is while watching sports on TV.
[Although I heard a guy screaming in the next room last night during a basketball game and I swear he was faking it...]

ЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧ

--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright й 2001, Jim Rosenberg

Plans were announced Wednesday for the world's largest wind farm Ч 450 windmills along the Oregon-Washington line.
[Currently, the world's largest wind-generating facility is the Rush Limbaugh radio show.]

CNN founder Ted Turner is in talks to buy a stake in NTV, a private Russian television network.
[The price is a whopping $500 billion rubles, which is roughly $19 U.S. dollars.]

13. Robert Downey, Jr.: I promise to stay clean and sobЧ Ahhhh!а Spiders!а Get them off!!

12. Harry Potter: Use powers for neither good nor evil, but rather just for gettin' some.

11. Jennifer Lopez: I must come up with *some* way to get people to notice me.

10. Christina Aguilera: Take down that little slut Britney before she steals my spread in Playboy.

9. Calista Flockhart: Shed the extra quarter of a pound gained during holiday season from eating that half slice of summer sausage.

8. Eminem: Let people see more of my "happy, smiley" side.

7. David Letterman: Less "goofy" Ч more "wacky."

6. Saddam Hussein: Become the undisputed master of "Tekken" on PlayStation 2.

5. Bill Clinton: Quit holding back and start getting it on!

4. Samuel L. Jackson: Try to mix in a motherf**kin' expletive every now and then.

3. Catherine Zeta-Jones: Figure out how to get that "old person smell" out of everything I own.

2. Pets.com sock puppet: Finally get this fist outta my ass.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Celebrity New Year's Resolution...

1. George W. Bush: Learn one presidential-type thing every day, starting with memorizing my "Beers of the World" poster.

THE KENNEBUNKPORT HILLBILLY
(sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song)

Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy name Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is.а Criminal record.а Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is.а White gold.а Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is.а Country clubs.а Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is.а Falwell.а Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is.а Duval County.а Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is.а Illegitimate.а No moral authority.
Y'all come vote now.а Ya hear?

Paid for by the Katherine Harris Foundation for Corrective Plastic Surgery

14. Stopping to get out his wallet when the Domino's guy came in.

13. "It has been a pleasure serving my country... I mean it has been a *real* pleasure!"

12. Announced he'll spend much of 2001 touring with the play, "The Vagina Monologues."

11. Asked all Americans to "please buy some of these fine Amway products."

10. *What* speech?а It was eight solid minutes of Bubba chanting, "Who let the dogs out?а Whoop!а Whoop!а Whoop!"

9. He pulled out the sax and launched into a rousing rendition of "Take This Job and Shove It."

8. After eight years of practice, he can "speak" without Hillary's lips moving at all!

7. Bill revealed that Hillary is the one who routinely clogged the crapper in the Lincoln bedroom and that he's been taking the blame for the past eight years.

6. Resigned immediately so that Al Gore gets a chance to be President, if only for a few hours.

5. It came down to the very last minutes of his administration, but he *finally* kept his famous 1992 campaign pledge to eat 100 pickled eggs in under a minute.

4. Startling revelation that *he* is Jesse Jackson's love child.

3. When he coughed in the middle of the speech, cleared his throat and said, "Pardon me," Bush blurted out, "ain't gonna happen, Cigarboy!"

2. The White House Press Secretary announcing him as "President-Erect Clinton."

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Surprise in President Clinton's Farewell Speech...

1. Announced that as a housewarming gift for the incoming President, he rescheduled Timothy McVeigh's execution for Monday morning.

Many people work side by side with space aliens who look human, but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They listed 10 signs to watch for:
а
1. Odd or mismatched clothes. "Often space aliens don't fully understand the different styles, so they wear combinations that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," noted Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author.
а
2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might eat French fries with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of pills, the experts say.
а
3. Bizarre sense of humor. "Space aliens who don't understand earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film or tell jokes that no one understands," said Steiger.

4. Takes frequent sick days. "A space alien might need extra time off to 'rejuvenate its energy'," said Dr. Thomas Easton, a theoretical biologist and futurist.
а
5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. "Aliens are constantly gathering information," said Steiger.
а
6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
а
7. Constant questioning about customs of coworkers. "Space aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that seem stupid," Easton said. "For example, a coworker may ask why so many Americans picnic on the Fourth of July," noted Steiger.
а
8. Secretive about personal lifestyle and home. "An alien won't discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends," said Steiger.
а
9. Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to speaking as we do, so it may practice speaking," Steiger noted.
а
10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
а
The expert pointed out that a coworker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.

13. Microsoft offices no longer providing toilet paper bearing Netscape logo.

12. Follow-up release to "IE4" now being referred to internally as "IE5-10, with time off for good behavior."

11. Must say "pretty please with jam on top" before devouring competitors.

10. Cancellation of planned "You'll think what we TELL you to think!" ad campaign.

9. Company United Way contributions redirected towards the "Let's Buy The US Government" fund.

8. Plans to begin marketing MSFood, MSClothing and MSShelter quietly tabled.

7. 10:00 AM: Barksdale visits Gates's office to sign landmark settlement agreement.а
а а 10:05 AM: Piranhas beneath trap door get some lunch.

6. "I don't brake for software companies" bumper stickers removed from corporate limousines.

5. Internal memos no longer refer to Janet Reno as "liquor addled she-male."

4. Kick back for a while, let loser companies catch up.

3. Now relegated to making large piles of cash, down from huge buttwads of cash.

2. Using honesty, humility and cooperation, allow one small competitor to show a modest profit for three straight quarters.а Then when they're lulled, club 'em to death like a baby seal.

and TopFive's Number 1 Change at Microsoft as a Result of Antitrust Charges...

1. Tables turned in jail, where Bill Gates has no choice but to have "Big Louie's Inmate Explorer" installed against *his* will.

One of the women with whom I work, Donna, has a son in 3rd grade. Part of his daily homework is to practice his spelling for his weekly tests.а So together Donna and her son go over the words for the test, both meaning and spelling of the words.

A few weeks ago, her son brought home his test.а He scored 97%, missing only one word.а The word was "clock".а Part of the test was to use each spelling list word in a sentence.

His sentence?а "My dad gave my mom a clock for her birthday" Ч only it seems he'd accidentally omitted the letter "L".

Donna said there was no comment on the test, just the biggest check mark she had ever seen.

Х Sex after the two of you have shared a bottle of wine is fun.а Sex after you've pounded a few drinks and she's had nothing is torture, especially if those drinks were tequila shots or, say, Zima. Chicks don't dig guys who drink Zima.

Х Or guys who have stuffed animals in their bedrooms.а Even though we fully expect you to win us stuffed animals every chance you get. Teddies are to be won, not worn.

Х In bed, find a medium between grave silence and "Yeah, bitch! Ride me like a stallion!" Actually, that's kinda hot.

Х The saying 'size doesn't matter' applies to shower caps and ceiling fans. It does not apply to penises, diamonds, boxes of chocolate, bras, airline seats, sports cars or apartments.

Х You don't have to be completely naked to have good sex.

Х You don't have to be completely drunk to have good sex.

Х Not having sex on her birthday, your birthday and holidays on which the banks are closed is bad.

Х Not having sex with her every time she wants it is also bad.

Х Any references that you make to ex-girlfriends should end with "but she was nowhere near as wonderful as you."... Even if we ask you to tell us the absolute truth.
Х Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

Х A grunt is not an acceptable answer to any question.

Х It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.

Х If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

Х Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.

Х Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

Х When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking...unless the answer is yes...in which case, can he videotape it?

Х "Fine," is not an acceptable way to end an argument.

Х Don't hog the covers.

Х Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford are prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves are better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.

Х Shopping is not fascinating.

Х If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

Х Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

Х The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill/BBQ.

Х Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

Х He does not just want to be friends.

Х Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e., micro waving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

Х Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

Х He heard you the first time.

Х You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.

Х Of course size matters, and boy does he have the granddaddy of them all.

Х If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.

Х Of COURSE he wants another beer.

Х The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.

Х Dogs good. Cats bad.

Х Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.

Х Two words: "blow job". Learn it. Live it. Love it.

Х If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".

Х Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

Х If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.

Х Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

Х He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met...and all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

Х The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's

Х Directions to the Dr's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park"

Х The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles

Х The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter

Х The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy

Х Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month

Х Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day"

Х Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill

Х The only 100% covered expense is embalming

Х Your Viagra prescription includes a popsicle stick and some duct tape

Are you an unreconstructed, right-on, rogue male or a delivery boy of the new male order? Are you a man or a louse? Find out below.

1. A woman whispers "Fuck me now, big boy..." In your ear. She is obviously:
    a) Short sighted.
    b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self esteem through meaningless sexual gratification.
    c) Begging for it.
    d) A recording.

2. You time your orgasm so that:
    a) Your partner climaxes first.
    b) You both climax simultaneously.
    c) The director can set up for a close-up.
    d) You don't miss Sportsnight.
    e) It doesn't interrupt an Internet chat

3. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
    a) Strictly for cats.
    b) Healthy, creative love-play.
    c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
    d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.
    e) A signal you're not at home

4. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
    a) The best part of the experience.
    b) The second best part of the experience.
    c) A loathsome chore.
    d) $100 extra.

5. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
    a) An ideal to which you aspire.
    b) A myth.
    c) An oxymoron.
    d) A moron.

6. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
    a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest day of my life..."
    b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb..."
    c) Take her to the abortion clinic.
    d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.

7. A prostitute is:
    a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
    b) Someone who provides an essential service.
    c) A cheap date.
    d) A valued employee.

8. A wife is:
    a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
    b) Someone who provides an essential service.
    c) A cheap date.
    d) A valued employee.

9. Masturbation is:
    a) Sex with someone you love.
    b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
    c) A team sport.
    d) A cheap date.

10. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
    a) When she drops her nail file.
    b) When she goes the colour of Man Utd's home strip.
    c) When the Earth moves.
    d) Who cares?

11. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
    a) Call her.
    b) Call your lawyer.
    c) Call your doctor.
    d) Call your wife.

12. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing sexual fantasy:
    a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
    b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
    c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
    d) "Another vowel please, Vanna...."

13. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect:
    a) An overdraft.
    b) A blow job.
    c) Her to pay next time.
    d) A thank-you letter.

14. You call your penis:
    a) John Thomas.
    b) Terry-Thomas.
    c) Massive.
    d) On its birthday.
    e) Little Frasier

15. Foreplay is to sex as:
    a) Priming is to painting.
    b) Appetizer is to entree.
    c) Trailer is to feature.
    d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.

16. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
    a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
    b) Free Mike Tyson.
    c) Free Willy.
    d) Free condom with this survey.

17. During sex you:
    a) Haggle.
    b) Talk dirty.
    c) Talk of love.
    d) Talk on the phone.

18. Your local MP is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
    a) Outraged.
    b) Implicated.
    c) Jealous.
    d) A Labour voter anyway.

19. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
    a) Easier.
    b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgment.
    c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgment.
    d) A tricky defense in court.

20. At what point do you put on the condom?:
    a) Before you go out.
    b) Before you pass out.
    c) As a party trick.
    d) Never.

21. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and a carving knife in the other. Do you:
    a) Talk through her anger.
    b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
    c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
    d) Ask her to put down the knife.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place ... 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location ... it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.

"Fascinating," said the psychologist. "It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb."

"Nonsense!" replied the engineer. "The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin."

"With all due respect," interrupted the theologian, "I'm sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries."

The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.

His answer was succinct. "Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe."

Х The Foul and the Fragrant: Odor and the French Social Imagination; 1986

Х Who's Who in Barbed Wire; 1970

Х The Madman as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution; 1979

Х Correct Mispronunciations of Some South Carolina Names; 1981

Х Manhole Covers of Los Angeles; 1974

Х Leadership Secrets of Attila the Hun; 1995

Х Three Weeks in Wet Sheets; 1856

Х Be Married and Like It; 1937

Х Pranks With the Mouth; 1879

Х Build Your Own Hindenburg; 1983

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

Q: What is the definition of "confidence"?

A:а When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"

A husband and wife were sitting home one evening watching, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

The husband looks at the wife and says, "C'mon honey, lets go upstairs and fool around."

The wife says, "No!"

The husband says, "Aw c'mon. Let's go upstairs and fool around."

The wife again says, "No!"

The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"

The wife says, "Yes, that is my final answer."

The husband then asks, "Well then, can I phone a friend?"

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style."

"Doggy-style? Did she go for it?"

"I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead."

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T H E W E E K L Y R I O T January 19, 2001

T H E W E E K L Y R I O T

January 19, 2001