The WEEKLY RIOT Ч January 12, 2001

And what is it to work with love? It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth.а It is to build a house with affection, even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house. It is to sow seeds with tenderness and reap the harvest with joy, even as if your beloved were to eat the fruit.а It is to charge all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirit.

Ч Khalil Gibran, from "The Prophet" (1923)

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)

In the beginning was The Word,
and The Word was Chocolate.
And The Word became flesh, and dwelt upon us forever.
Ч Confections 1oz:360cal
[Thanks to Patsy]

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

BLONDE NEWS: In Los Angeles last August, a bungee jumper wound up a little embarrassed when her brand new breast implants fell out during her jump.а The 27 year old had the surgery to take her from an A cup to a D cup just a couple days prior and had been warned by her doctor to avoid strenuous physical activity.
[You know, like thinking...]

ЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧ

--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright й 2001, by SodaMail

BENT STATISTIC: Percentage of grown men who sleep with a stuffed animal? а 5% (its 20% for women).

BENT LIFE RULE #24: Girl Scout cookies are for buying, not eating.

ЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧ

--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright й 2001, Jim Rosenberg

Pope John Paul II was awarded the Congressional Gold Medal on Monday.
[The Pope thanked the Congress for its role in aiding the Church, including the help given personally to Jesus by Senator Strom Thurmond.]

Japanese officials said Sunday that a vacuum cleaner saved the life of a 70-year-old man when it was used to ~suck out~ a rice cake on which he was choking.
[This is known in technical medical terms as "The Lewinsky Maneuver."]

New postage rates raising the cost of mailing a letter by one penny, to 34 cents took effect Sunday.
[The transition went smoothly, except in Palm Beach County Florida, where incorrectly stamped letters were inexplicably mailed to Pat Buchanan.]

President Clinton will dedicate a new statue of President Franklin D. Roosevelt in a wheelchair at the FDR Memorial in Washington, D.C. this Wednesday.
[There's also a planned statue of a seated Clinton, but they need additional funding to sculpt a crouching Ms. Lewinsky.]

Two school bus drivers in Albany, N.Y., have been fired after they allegedly paid a 5-year-old boy $5 to urinate into a cup so they could pass a drug test.
["The good news, Mr. Jones Ч is you are clean and sober.а The bad news is, you've got a very serious case of cooties."]

Japanese scientists have succeeded in cloning mouse embryo cells, turning them into sperm.
[I've seen enough movies to know how this ends ... Run! Run!! GODZILLA!!!]

ЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧЧ

--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright й 2001, by Pulse Direct, Inc.

HUMANKIND'S EVOLUTION CONTINUES IN SEATTLE: (Seattle) Ч Seattle residents were enjoying a chuckle Tuesday as they wondered who, or what, planted a rectangular black monolith in a popular park on the first day of 2001. The 9-foot steel box was an obvious salute to the classic Stanley Kubrick film "2001: A Space Odyssey," in which a similar-looking object pops up in a prehistoric setting and radiates a form of energy that somehow kicks in the development of human-like intelligence among the local apes. "I feel my intelligence increasing by the moment," passerby Denny Sargent joked to the Seattle Times. The only indication that earthly beings were behind its planting was some soil packed around the base and some bottle tops, indicating the crew apparently paused for some liquid refreshments.

PENIS ICE SCULPTURE GETS A RISE OUT OF RESIDENTS: (Columbia, Connecticut) Ч A six-foot snow and ice sculpture depicting a penis got a rise out of residents in the town of
Columbia, Connecticut. Police have been asked to destroy the erected sculpture and one politician stated she would have knocked it over herself but it was bigger than her. A shocked worker at a nearby nursery school told reporters, "It was so perfect. It was like artwork. It was so real."

SCIENCE ON THE BRINK OF ELIMINATING NEED FOR WOMEN: (Japan) Ч Researchers, feverishly working on the infant science of cloning, believe they have discovered a way to reprogram male reproductive cells into producing eggs. Japanese scientists have been attempting to clone only the seed for a new baby instead of the baby itself. The incredible byproduct of this research is a technique to alter the sexual characteristics of human chromosomes. If successful men can be both father and mother of children.
[It seems science has finally caught up with Alabama where folks have been father and brother to their children for generations.]

About a year ago, I found a story about an Italian inventor who had invented a musical condom. At that time, he was trying to market the "device" in the US but had no luck. But now, he has licensed his invention to a Peruvian entrepreneur.

This clever little marketer thinks he knows how to penetrate the US market (OK, forgive the very bad pun.) He has added the tune of the old Andy Griffith whistling theme song. I do not know about you, but the idea of whistling a Mayberry tune is not the thing that gets ME in the mood. Although while growing up I did find Thelma Lou attractive, Goober, Gomer, Opie, Barney and the gang are the stuff of impotent nightmares. Earnest T. Bass does not conjure up romantic images either.

These condoms are selling for the equivalent of $6 a shot and burst into song when the right blend of "speed" and "direction" have been achieved.

As we start a new year, we also start new trends. What was fashionable last year won't be this year. We take a look at what is HOT and what's NOT for the year 2001.

HOT: The new millennium Ч it's official we're finally in it
NOT: Last year's fake millennium

HOT: "Survivor" TV show
NOT: Election Survivor George W.

HOT: People talking in public using hands free cell phones
NOT: People talking in public to themselves

HOT: Eminem
NOT: M&M's

HOT: Reality television shows
NOT: Reality

HOT: Senator John McCain
NOT: Senator Trent Lott

HOT: Michelin tires
NOT: Firestone tires

HOT: Old Spice
NOT: Spice Girls

HOT: Mario Lemieux
NOT: Super Mario Brothers

HOT: Computer RAM
NOT: St. Louis Rams

HOT: Reno, Nevada
NOT: Janet Reno

HOT: Game show "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?"
NOT: Every other game show

HOT: The International Space Station
NOT: 2001: A Space Odyssey

HOT: Richard Ashcroft
NOT: John Ashcroft

HOT: Limp Bizkit
NOT: Your biscuit becoming limp

HOT: Dixie Chicks
NOT: Dixie redneck guys

HOT: L.A. Kings' Coach Andy Murray
NOT: Former Florida Panther coach Terry Murray

HOT: Sex on The Beach
NOT: The drink "Sex On the Beach"

HOT: Florida Tourism
NOT: Florida Elections

HOT: Dot Com Domain Names
NOT: Dot Com Stocks

HOT: The Three Stooges
NOT: Chief Justice Rehnquist, Justices Scalia and Thomas

Subject: Warning: Rape Drug Used on Men

Men, be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. And girlfriends, take heed.

There is a new drug that is in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere!

It goes by the street name "Beer".

All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.

Please! аForward this to everyone you know...

1. Billy Boy (Germany)

2. Enormex (U.K.)

3. Euroglider (Netherlands)

4. Happy Face (New Zealand)

5. Honeymoon Super Stimulation (Germany)

6. Jiffi Exciter (U.K.)

7. Licks (U.S.A.)

8. Mamba (Sweden)

9. Power Play (U.S.A.)

10. Skin Less Skin (Japan)

A young, flat-chested woman discovered the fabled magic lamp, and sure enough, when she rubbed it, out popped a magic genie, ready to grant her a single wish. "I want two of the biggest boobs in the whole world!" she said.

The genie nodded, waved his hand, and, all of a sudden *poof!* there was a great cloud of smoke. When it had cleared, the woman saw, standing beside her, Al Gore and George W. Bush.

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to glitches in the mundane/celestial Time-Space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously (even though their deaths take place decades apart).

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions the Good Doctor, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak in Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and requests, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers; the blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols Ч his Special Theory of Relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard?"

"Go ahead," Saint Peter says.

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered. "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

Acrorectophobia: The fear of buttholes in high places.

Amathophobia: The fear of dust.

Anananany: The inability to stop spelling 'banana' once you've started.

Anatidaephobia: The fear that wherever you are, a duck is watching!

Androphobia: The fear of men.

Angoraphobia: The fear of soft sweaters and rabbits.

Anthropophobia: The fear of human beings.

Archibutyrophobia: The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.

Eonaphobics: The fear of transvestites.

Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked "Who goes there?"

Friggaphobics: People who fear Fridays.

Genuphobia: The fear of knees.

Graphophobia: The fear of writing.

Heortophobia: The fear of holidays.

Iophobia: The fear of rust.

Katagelophobia: The fear of ridicule.

Lyssophobia: The fear of insanity.

Peniaphobia: The fear of poverty.

Phobaphobia: The fear of fear itself.

Phobia: What you have left over after you drink two out of a 6-pack.

Phronemophobia: The fear of thinking.

Pognophobia: The fear of beards.

Quadriphobia: The fear of 4-way stops and not knowing who goes next.

A girl was telling her date about her old boyfriend, and while doing so was stroking her beer bottle up and down many times.

Finally her date has had enough and says, "You're always thinking about him. Why don't you think about me once in a while?"

... "OK," she says and starts stroking the top two inches of her bottle.

GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle

MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times

GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
The New Haven Connecticut Register

THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman

CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
Bangor Maine News

STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
The Washington Times

CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle

LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
Newsday

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose

PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News

TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald

MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register

GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat

WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN? ABSOLUTELY!
The Houston Chronicle

AL GORE'S TO-DO LIST

Х Move back to Tennessee

Х Start on a bottle of Tennessee whiskey

Х Party with Tom Petty and Jon Bon Jovi

Х Make some money doing the lecture circuit

Х Write book

Х Play with Tipper's drums

Х Leave nasty anonymous message on Chief Justice Rehnquist's answering machine

Х Wait for Bush to screw up

Х Enjoy Bush's screw ups

Х Start campaigning for 2004

THE BUSH TRANSITION TEAM'S TO-DO LIST

Х Lysol Oval Office hallway

Х Remove Washington's picture, replace with
President Bush Sr.'s picture

Х Add desk for Cheney in Oval Office

Х Have Gilmore raise money for open bar at inauguration

Х Give George W. an Etch A Sketch to play with

Х Read all Clinton e-mails and turn over to Independent Counsel Ray

Х Setup hotline to President Bush Sr.'s home

Х Find office space for NRA

Х Add service bar to Oval Office

CHIEF JUSTICE WILLIAM REHNQUIST'S TO-DO LIST

Х Proclaim myself King Maker

Х Go to Scalia's house for spaghetti dinner

Х Ask Scalia to return my copy of Mein Kampf

Х Sew gold stripes on bathrobe

Х Disgrace court forever

Х Have Clarence pick up my dry cleaning

Х Write sequel to last book, title it Civil Liberties at Election Time

Х Drinks with the Bush boy

Х Order more gold stripes

Х Do Three Stooges impersonation with Scalia and Thomas at inaugural ball

Х Find out who keeps leaving nasty messages on my answering machine

Х Retire

а а а а а а а а а а а а а
Х After having nightmares for ten consecutive nights about a DC-10 crash, Cincinnati office manager David Booth called American Airlines on May 22, 1979. Three days later, 273 people died when an American DC-10 crashed at Chicago.

Х In 1896, German psychic Madame de Ferriem had a vision of bodies being carried out of a coal mine at Dux in Bohemia in bitterly cold weather. A year later hundreds were killed by an explosion in a coal mine in Dux during a cold spell.

Х "Fugitive" star David Jensen had a dream in 1980 where he saw himself being carried out in a coffin after a heart attack. His psychic's advise to go in for a physical came too late, for two days later Jensen died of a massive heart attack.

Х On the morning of April 14, 1965, Julia Grant, wife of US General Ulysses S. Grant had a strong feeling that she and her husband should get out of Washington. As they were leaving, the couple passed John Wilkes Booth on his way to assassinate President Lincoln at the theater. Grant was also found to be on Booth's death list.

12. Paint his Spock ears red for that "embarrassed Vulcan" look.

11. Interrupt James Doohan's convention speech by shouting, "Beam me up, Tubby!"

10. Tell her you've seen butthair more realistic than Kirk's toupee.

9. Tell him that it sounds like his Geo Metro's antimatter injection tubes are out of phase balance with the warp coils, then watch him go nuts trying to run a level one diagnostic.
а а
8. Wear the Star Fleet badge upside down and loudly proclaim, "I am the Anti-Kirk!"

7. Point out that asking a women if she fancies a Romulan ale whilst wearing your Klingon head prosthetic and ill-fitting Federation Uniform is a terrible way to pull chicks.

6. Ask him why the phrase "gettin' to third base" is curiously absent from his Klingon glossary.

5. Tell him that in a parallel universe, women don't get nauseous at the sight of him.

4. Constantly remark that the relationship between Spock and Kirk has definite homosexual overtones.

3. Say, "Captain, I'm sensing a profound feeling of... geekiness.

2. Haul him into to court and threaten to end his virtual monopoly on PC operating systems.

and TopFive's Number 1 Way To Annoy a Trekkie...

1. When she asks if you'd like fries with that, reply, "Make it so, ho!"

ON RED SEA CROSSING:
а аа WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
а аа Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

ON DAVID VS. GOLIATH:
а аа HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
а аа Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

ON ELIJAH ON MT. CARMEL:
а аа FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
а аа 400 Killed

ON THE BIRTH OF CHRIST:
а аа HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
а аа Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

ON FEEDING THE 5,000:
а аа PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
а аа Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

ON HEALING THE 10 LEPERS:
а аа LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
а аа "Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

ON HEALING OF THE GADARENE DEMONIAC:
а аа MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
а аа Local Farmer's Investment Lost

ON RAISING LAZARUS FROM THE DEAD:
а аа FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
а аа Will Reading to be Delayed

Х After his wife left him, spurned husband Donald Niblett wrecked their home with a bulldozer, causing damage in excess of 15,000 English pounds.

Х In 1988, an Egyptian belly dancer paid back her unfaithful husband by going on a massive spending spree with his credit card totaling $46,000 before flying to his villa in France and smashing the place up.

Х A married pilot dismissed his mistress from his London apartment. The young woman agreed to leave but asked for a day to pack her belongings. When he returned from an overseas flight he found the phone off the hook. His mistress had made a long distance call to the speaking clock in Washington D.C.

Х A housewife, distraught over her husband's unfaithfulness, decided to throw herself out of the window of their third floor apartment. She didn't realize her husband was walking beneath. She survived, he did not.

Just when you thought you knew everything....

1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl... Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.

4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away corrosion.

7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

FYI:

1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

2. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Drink up!

We understand how busy college students can be this time of year. We hope this form letter will help you keep in touch with your parents. Simply check or fill-in appropriate blanks.

** NEWS FROM COLLEGE **

Dear Parent(s),

Date: ______________

I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of interest to both of us.

Please send:
а аа __ Money (Cash)!а Amount: ____________________
а аа __ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ___________
а аа __ Clean clothes!

Relationships:
а аа __ What?
а аа __ I am in love with myself
а аа __ I am in love!
а аа __ I am engaged
а аа __ I got married last weekend

My Roommate:
а аа __ Worships the ground I walk on
а аа __ Gave me a black eye
а аа __ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
а аа __ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed???
а аа __ Has fleas

My Professors are:
а аа __ Sadistic water walkers
а аа __ Mental institution escapees
а аа __ Brain dead nerds
а аа __ Super oxygen thieves

Latest News:
а аа __ I wrecked the car
а аа __ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
а аа __ You are going to have a grandchild
а аа __ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild

Food:
а аа __ Is great!
а аа __ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
а аа __ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

Health:
а аа __ I have gained _____ pounds
а аа __ My roommate is in the hospital with meningitis
а аа __ My HIV test was: (check one)
а ____ positive
а ____ negative
а аа __ I died yesterday!

Grades:
а аа __ I am making all A's
а аа __ I am not being properly challenged
а аа __ I will be home after this semester

I study:
а аа __ Night and day
а аа __ All the time
а аа __ 80 hours a week
а аа __ Only on Sunday afternoon
а аа __ None of the above

Daily Devotions:
а аа __ I read my Bible everyday
а аа __ I can't read
а аа __ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

On my last visit home, I left:
а аа __ My glasses
а аа __ My paper that was due yesterday
а аа __ The clothes you washed for me
а аа __ My (girlfriend's) birth control pills
а аа __ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
а аа __ Other ________________________________________

Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)

Laundry:
а аа __ My white underwear is now _________________
а аа __ I am saving money by not using detergent
а аа __ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
а аа __ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

My room:
а аа __ Can pass your "white glove" test
а аа __ Is only _____% full
а аа __ Could not be located last Saturday night
а аа __ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

Parties:
а аа __ I don't inhale
а аа __ I only go to meet people
а аа __ Haven't been to one since this morning

Hope you:
а аа __ Miss me
а аа __ Can live without me
а аа __ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

Salutation:
а аа __ Your Daughter,
а аа __ Your Son,
а аа __ Yours,

__________________________________________________
Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
[Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark ("X")]

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T H E W E E K L Y R I O T January 12, 2001

T H E W E E K L Y R I O T

January 12, 2001