T H E W E E K L Y R I O T
January 5, 2001
Life is a fatal adventure. It can only have one end. So why not make it as far-ranging and free as possible?
— Alexander Eliot
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
Oh, my wife can spend money. I mean, who tips at a tollbooth? Now she tells me she wants plastic surgery. She got plastic surgery- I cut up her credit cards. — Rodney Dangerfield
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? — David W.
I guess that qualifies you to be president of the United States, then. — New York Gov. George Pataki, after Raymond Martinez, his appointee for state motor-vehicle commissioner, admitted to a 1989 DWI arrest (Newsweek)
They're getting the band back together. It's very exciting. [Bush] is going to be pardoning a president soon. — Political analyst Marshall Wittmann, on the "restoration" of the Ford administration (Newsweek)
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2001, Chris White
Life is a never-ending series of trials. The best we can do is wear a tie and hope the judge shows leniency. — Nick Leggatt
Wouldn't it be great if we could take all the pollution in the world, pile it up all neat-like, and hide it somewhere? We could call that place, "New Jersey". — George MacMillan
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: Al Gore has won the election...for district director of the Marion Soil and Water Conservation Board in Salem, Ore. No one ran for the post, so write-ins ruled the day. Gore won with 323 of the 4,570 votes cast, easily beating George W. Bush, who also got some votes. "Voters don't understand what it means when they write in a silly name," said Marion County Clerk Al Davidson. "But it's their right, and it's their tax dollars that pay for it." Vice President Gore cannot actually take the job, however, since to serve "you have to own or manage land in the zone," Davidson said. Gore actually came in second, but vote winner Donald Duck was disqualified because he's an animated character. (AP)
--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2001, Jim Rosenberg
The incoming Bush administration said on Tuesday it will fight for passage of its private school voucher proposal.
[Bush said he will press hard for approval of his package, "The National Boooklearnin' Act of 2001".]
Dubya chose as his Attorney General John Ashcroft, a man who was beaten in his reelection contest for the Senate by the late Mel Carnahan.
[Dubya felt a special affinity for Ashcroft — they both ran against a corpse.]
Hillary Clinton has received a record $8 million to write her memoirs.
[Of particular interest is her chapter on the Lewinsky scandal — "It Takes a Spillage". The President, meanwhile, continues to gather material for his "oral history" of the White House years.]
The Census Bureau unveiled the first results that will be used to reassign the 435 House seats, with Arizona, Texas, Florida and Georgia gaining two seats in the Congress, while New York and Pennsylvania lost two.
[More voters in Florida... great...]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A blonde, a redhead, and brunette decided to go on a hike.
The redhead said, "I brought water, so in case we get thirsty, we will have
something to drink." And she started up the hill.
The brunette said, "I brought food, so in case we get hungry, we will have
something to eat." And she started up the hill.
The brunette and the redhead turned around and asked the blonde, "What'd you bring?"
The blonde said, "I brought a car door. In case we get hot, we can roll down the window."
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
100 YEARS AGO IN 1901
• The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.
• Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.
• Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
• There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.
• The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph.
• Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union.
• The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
• The average wage in the U.S. was twenty-two cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
• A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2500 per year, a veterinarian between $1500 and $4000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5000 per year.
• More than 95 percent of all births in the United States took place at home.
• Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
• Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
• Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
• Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason, either as travelers or immigrants.
• The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
4. Heart disease
• The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
• Drive-by-shootings — in which teenage boys galloped down the street on horses and started randomly shooting at houses, carriages, or anything else that caught their fancy — were an ongoing problem in Denver and other cities in the West.
• The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was thirty. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.
• Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
• There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
• One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
• Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine's foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide — which was thought to diminish sexual desire — into the women's drinking water.
• Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
• Coca-Cola contained cocaine instead of caffeine.
• Punch card data processing had recently been developed, and early predecessors of the modern computer were used for the first time by the government to help compile the 1900 census.
(And are apparently still being used in Florida elections!)
• Eighteen percent of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
• There were about 230 reported murders in the U.S. annually.
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least $1000 a month on hookers.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
14. Start being superstitious.
15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
18. Personal goal: bring back disco.
For those tired of the usual "friend" poems and all that sappy crap, finally a touch of reality.
When you are sad...
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum-sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue...
I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
When you smile...
I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared...
I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried...
I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused...
I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick...
Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall...
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...............
I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask? ...
Because you're my friend.
Send to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you only have 2 friends, and one's not speaking to you right now anyway.
Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone gets enough exercise:
jumping to conclusions,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
and pushing their luck!
by Dave Barry
By "hasty", I mean, "within your lifetime". Guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments.
This is because they never feel ready. "I'm sorry," guys are always telling women, "but I'm just not ready to make a commitment." Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.
Women have a lot of trouble understanding this. Women ask themselves: How can a guy say he's "not ready" to make a permanent commitment to a woman with whom he is obviously compatible; a woman whom he has been seeing for years; a woman who once drove his dog to the veterinarian in her new car when it (the dog) started making unusual stomach noises and then barfing prolifically after eating an entire birthday cake, including candles, that she made from scratch for him (the guy), the result being that her car will smell like a stadium rest room for the next five years, at the end of which this guy will probably still say he's "not ready"?
And how come this same guy was somehow capable, at age seven, of committing himself to a lifelong, passionate, win-or-lose relationship with the Kansas City Royals, who have never so much as sent him a card?
A lot of women have concluded that the problem is that guys, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters.
No, this is not the case. A hamster is much more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets.
Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust; but as soon as he senses that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he'll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of nonreadiness.
This is natural behavior. Guys are born with a fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as: "The Fear That If You Get Attached to a Woman, Some Unattached Guy, Somewhere, Will Be Having More Fun Than You".
This is why all married guys assume that all unmarried guys lead lives of constant excitement involving hot tubs full of naked international fashion models; whereas in fact for most unmarried guys, the climax of the typical evening is watching an infomercial for Hair-in-a-Spraycan while eating onion dip straight from the container. (This is also true of married guys, although statistically they are far more likely to be using a spoon.)
So guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments, or even to take any steps that might lead to commitment.
This is why, when a guy goes out on a date with a woman and finds himself really liking her, he often will demonstrate his affection by avoiding her for the rest of his life.
Women are puzzled by this. "I don't understand," they say, "we had such a great time! Why doesn't he call?"
The reason is that the guy, using the linear guy thought process, has realized that if he takes her out again, he'll probably like her even more, so he'll take her out again, and eventually they'll fall in love with each other, and they'll get married, and they'll have children, and then they'll have grandchildren, and eventually they'll retire and take a trip around the world, and they'll be walking hand-in-hand on some spectacular beach in the South Pacific, reminiscing about the lifetime of experiences they've shared together, and then several naked international fashion models will walk up and invite him to join them in a hot tub, and he won't be able to do it.
Dave Barry, from The Miami Herald
Copyright © The Miami Herald
• If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
• If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
• This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me!
• I'm Cleverly Disguised As a Responsible Adult
• If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
• The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name...
• Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.
• It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
• I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
• "Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point."
• If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
• Thank You For Smoking Pot.
• If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
• If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
• Caution — Driver Legally Blonde!
• Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
• How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down, Before He Admits He Is Lost?
• Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
[Thanks again to Craig]
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
• Unfortunately I can not totally agree with comrade Stalin.
• Is this really the first time that you have traveled on the roof of a train?
• Of course you don't look fat in that dress honey. Well ... maybe a little.
• Hey ya'll watch this.
• Hey, it's OK. Bungees NEVER break ...
• LOOK! An old mine from world war ...
• Sure, rope bridges last forever.
• Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
• Zooming is excellent with these Sonys. It's just like as if that elephant is going to ...
• Do I cut the red or the blue wire?
• Oh shut up! I won't fall!
• Oh, it looks like a dolphin is swimming this way ...
• Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.
• Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.
• I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.
• It's OK, I saw them do it on TV.
[Thanks again to Craig]
WHAT JOB DESCRIPTIONS *REALLY* MEAN
You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement
Word processing skills essential:
There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future
Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker
The most powerful position in any company
Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem
White males need not waste a stamp
Tons of variety:
We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job
Beautiful offices in attractive locale:
Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet
A staff of pod people
Zombie pod people
Fun, creative atmosphere:
Zombie pod people from hell
Public Relations Receptionist, Professional Appearance Important:
$20K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe
Salary range $24K to $32K:
The salary is $24K
We'll pay you whatever we feel like
We'll pay you up to 1% more than your last job...period!
Competitive starting salary:
Ten cents above minimum wage
Really a bad job
No experience necessary:
The mother of all bad jobs
Bad job with a title
Ground floor opportunity:
Bad job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year
Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities
Pleasant telephone manner:
Have a voice like 1-900-XXX-XXXX
AND NOW FOR THE "TECHNOLOGY" OF THE WEEK...
Thank you for using the Delete Key. The Delete Key is an amazing new technology available to all computer users. It is simple, effective, and very user-friendly. If this is your first time using the Delete Key, we urge you to read the entire contents of this manual. Please do not delete this manual. This may cause you to use the delete key in a reckless or insufficient manner.
The Delete Key provides a keyboard based, fully manual method for the removal of information. Furthermore, use of the Delete Key in conjunction with the small amount of brain matter you have left may induce a tingling sensation of pleasure. Failure to use the Delete Key may result in aggravation, humiliation, and knee-jerk reactionism. This manual will help you locate and implement a full Delete Key pressing method to ensure your peace of mind remains unaltered.
LOCATING THE DELETE KEY
1. Lift your hands off the keyboard.
2. Scan the keys for a key labeled "Delete"
3. Make note of this location as it will come in handy later.
USING THE DELETE KEY
1. Locate something on your computer you wish to delete. Files, text, e-mail messages, and vital operating system components are all "delete-enabled" items.
2. Select the item using your mouse or other selection device.
3. Lift you hands off the keyboard and using one of you fingers, depress the key labeled Delete.
4. The offending material has now been removed from your sight.
WARNING: Some systems may require confirmation of your Delete-based system. If this is the case, make sure to agree to the deletion. Otherwise you may become re-burdened with the offensive or unwanted material.
WHAT SHOULD I DELETE
Anything that might bring you unhappiness. In this New Economy, semi-lucid hyper-cyber-superhighway world, you need the unending power of a Delete key. Not only is it easy to implement, it offers tremendous Return On Investment (ROI).
Consider this scenario:
Helga Gumpwetter has three text files. In the first file are instructions for making a nuclear bomb. The other two contain funny jokes about pumpkins. Because Helga deleted the nuclear bomb message and read the pumpkin jokes, she lacked the ability to nuke her ex-boyfriend, thus saving all of King County Washington. Talk about some serious ROI!
E-MAIL/CHAT ROOM SURVIVAL KIT
AOL = Assholes On Line
ASAP = As Soon As Possible
ASAFP = As Soon As Friggin' Possible
AWGTHTGTTSA = Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Shit Again?
BTSOOM = Beats The Shit Out Of Me
BT = Byte This!
BTWBO = Be There With Bells On
CMF = Count My Fingers!
CTC = Choking The Chicken
DBEYR = Don't Believe Everything You Read
DHYB = Don't Hold Your Breath
DILLIGAD = Do I Look Like I Give a Damn?
DQYDJ = Don't Quit You're Day Job
FYM = For Your Misinformation
GR&D = Grinning Running & Ducking
HAK = Hugs And Kisses
HUYA = Head Up Your A$$
HHO1/2K = Ha Ha, Only Half Kidding
HIOOC = Help! I'm Out Of Coffee!
IITYWTMWYKM = If I Tell You What This Means Will You Kiss Me?
IITYWTMWYLMA = If I Tell You What This Means Will You Leave Me Alone?
IIWM = If It Were Me
ILSHIBMS = I Laughed So Hard I Broke My Stitches
IMNSHO = In My Not So Humble Opinion
KISS = Keep It Simple Stupid
LSHHTCMS = Laughed So Hard, Had To Change My Shorts
NYCFS = New York City Finger Salute
OMIK = Open Mouth, Insert Keyboard
OTOH = On The Other Hand
OTSH = On The Same Hand
PITA = Pain In The Ass
RTFM = Read The Fucking Manual
TAFL = Take A Flying Leap
WGAFS = Who Gives a Flying Squat?
WYSIWYG = What You See Is What You Get
WYGIUWYW = What You Get Isn't Usually What You Want
YGBFK = You Gotta Be Fucking Kiddin'
Previous Issue Next Issue
Return to The WEEKLY RIOT Archives
Subscribe to The WEEKLY RIOT
Return to The Goddess
Alternate URL for the current week's edition: http://come.to/the.riot
| Star Goddess | Photos | Soul Mates | Humor | Quotes | Current Affairs | Passionate Poetry | Postcards | Horoscopes | INFP | Links |