THE WEEKLY RIOT
December 29, 2000
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? S&M&M.
My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea. — Milton Berle
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Friday's. — Henny Youngman
Power corrupts. Absolute power is sorta neat though.
I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
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--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
Tis the season to be jolly...
Fa la la la la, la la la la...
Spank my ass and call me Holly...
...oh wait... wrong song...
— Gary Kee
In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems. — Matt Sullivan
Can someone help me out here? All my wife wants to do is watch football, drink beer, and have sex... I can't get anything done on Sundays!! — Todd Loushine
The last man alive ran to the telephone, his little black book in his hand and a manic gleam in his eye. Dialing the number, he thought, "Now let's see if Diane Johnson will reconsider!" — Dennis M. Yates
Always keep a song in your heart — it's like karaoke for the voices in your head. — Robert Fulton Abernethy
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
MEDIA: President-elect George W. Bush edged out "Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling by a slim 23 vote margin among children for Time magazine's "Person of the Year".
[Rowling called for a recount, claiming many of the children couldn't punch through the ballots using crayons...]
TRAVEL: SwissAir flight attendants will be allowed to slap passengers who sexually harass them and can retaliate against other unruly passengers by tying them up in their seats. From January 1, SwissAir planes will be equipped with a kind of plastic handcuffs that can be used on unruly passengers. — ZURICH, Switzerland (Reuters)
[SwissAir — The S&M Airline...]
SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING (or should that be "SUBLIMINABABLE"?): Australian researchers claim the scent of a sexy man can send a woman on a shopping spree. Scientists have discovered male pheromones can send subliminal messages which influence a woman's spending habits and buying decisions. The research suggests that sales staff may be able to tempt female shoppers into buying products by wearing perfume spiked with male pheromones. The author of the research paper, Ian Waller, suggests pheromones could be used in air conditioning systems, clothing, packaging and perfume or aftershave to get the desired results.
"MEDICINE": A 16-year-old allegedly intercepted telephone pages intended for doctors during the overnight shift of Dec. 7-8 at Inova Fairfax hospital in Alexandria, Virginia, then called in and prescribed medication, and ordered minor medical procedures for patients. Nurses followed the teen's medical directions but no patients suffered as a result of the prank.
[They began to suspect something when the doctor prescribed himself six kilos of medical marijuana and sponge baths "for all the hot chicks"...]
MARITAL BLISS NEWS: (Heilbronn, Germany) — Move over Lorena Bobbit...there is a new snip in town. Hotheaded Helga Frosch was jailed recently for slicing her husband's penis off while he was sleeping (one could assume he woke up!). She fled their apartment to a hotel, gift wrapped the appendage and mailed it to husband Hans' mistress. When apprehended by German police, Helga reportedly said, "He'll never cheat on me again now that his feature attraction is stuffed in a jar of formaldehyde."
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--== MR. MONOLOGUE BY JIM ROSENBERG ==--
Copyright © 2000, Jim Rosenberg
According to new census figures, the U.S. population now stands at more than 281 million people.
[Actually, the number is even larger — the U.S. Supreme Court did not allow the Census Bureau to count any Chads.]
President-elect Bush named Donald Rumsfeld to be his Secretary of Defense on Thursday, returning to the Pentagon a 68-year-old Republican who held the same job in the Ford administration.
[Just what I thought - Gore *talks* about recycling, but Bush is actually *doing* it.]
Giant retailer Montgomery Ward is shutting down after more than 125 years in business.
[Earlier in the month, another landmark stopped offering almost anything to anybody at any time — Madonna got married.]
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--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
SEXY SENIORS: (London, England) — All of London was abuzz recently when nine residents of the Edith Scarborough Nursing Home were told that they must find a new place to live after they attempted a late-night orgy. That's right, they were caught in the recreation room attempting to have a sex party to the exotic sounds of the rumba music. Their ages ranged from 78 to 95.
[At least they discovered additional uses for baby oil.]
REVENGE OF THE APES: (Saudi Arabia) — A group of baboons hell bent on revenge waited at the side of a mountain road for the driver that had killed one of their own. The primates laid in wait and ambushed the driver on the same mountain road in southwest Saudi Arabia where the baboon had been run down earlier in the week. After spotting the car responsible for the death, one of the apes screamed out a signal to the rest to attack, provoking the frenzied stone throwing. Although the driver was able to escape, the apes reportedly broke the windshield of his car.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so Bridget stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.
Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!"
The swelling throng surged across Broadway -– all except Bridget, who stayed on the corner.
When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.
Again, he got around to Bridget's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.
Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"
The crowd crossed the street, but again Bridget stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot as if she was in a hurry to get somewhere, but never budged from the sidewalk.
The cop ran the traffic through seven more cycles, each time blowing his whistle and then yelling "Okay, pedestrians!" Bridget never moved.
Finally, after the cop yelled, "Okay, pedestrians!" for the eighth time, Bridget shouted across traffic, "Hey! Officer! Isn't it about damned time you let us Catholics cross?"
THE TOP 22 PREDICTED NEWS STORIES FOR 2001
22. "Calendar Purists Celebrate 'Real Millennium'; Rest of World Points and Laughs"
21. "Florida Changes Official State Motto to 'The Dumbass State'"
20. "Researchers Locate Gene Responsible for Parking Car Sideways Across Two Spots Like a Friggin' Idiot"
19. "Senator Clinton, Intern Lewis Monicsky Involved in Capitol Hill Sex Scandal"
18. "Independent Counsel Set to Begin Investigation of Martin Sheen"
17. "Scientists Discover Cure for Adam Sandler"
16. "Gore Calls for McDonald's Recount, Claims 'Billions Served' Omits Disenfranchised Filet-O-Fish"
15. "Bush Resigns Presidency; Thought 'Nookie' was Automatic Perk"
14. "Clinton Forms New Boy Band, *N'POTUS"
13. "Disney 1st Armored Brigade Reaches Virginia, AOL-Time Warner Orders Bomber Strike on Orlando"
12. "Anthropologists Discover 30 Year Old Malibu Virgin"
11. "Jolie/Thornton/ATF Standoff Continues Into 13th Day"
10. "Al Gore Arrested After Sixteen Hour Argument With Little League Umpire"
9. "Hillary Shoots Bill; Declares Love for Joey Buttafuocco"
8. "N. Central African Nation of Chad Announces Name Change"
7. "Stunning Final Recount Results: Dewey Defeats Truman After All!"
6. "Missing Bermuda Triangle Vehicles Located in David Copperfield's Garage"
5. "$27 Billion Government Study Concludes U.S. Election Procedures Hindered by Outdated Equipment and Inefficient Procedures: Senate Committee Recommends Further Inquiry"
4. "Armed Students Storm School, Demands 'Gooder Education'"
3. "Anna Nicole Smith Weds Strom Thurmond"
2. "Zimbabwe Elects Conservative President; Baldwin, Basinger Move Again"
2. "Starbucks Opens Second Franchise on International Space Station"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Predicted News Story for 2001...
1. "Nobel Peace Prize Goes to Inventor of Orgasm Pill"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
PREDICTIONS FOR THE FUTURE...
• George W. Bush:
Goofed at his inauguration by saying, "I'm tired of people treating the presidency like it's some kind of federal job." Created international incident when he called the Chinese prime minister Hop Sing. Defeated in 2004 by Democrat Warren Beatty.
• Al Gore:
Never did concede election. Went into seclusion in Tennessee, where he attempted to file patents on ATMs, Barbie and instant oatmeal. Wife Tipper eventually had him committed to a sanitarium. He spent final years ordering nurses at Pleasant Days Ahead to bomb Yugoslavia.
• Joe Lieberman:
Went back to U.S. Senate and continued campaign against Hollywood smut. Resigned after photos surfaced on the Internet depicting him in compromising positions with Dr. Laura.
• Dick Cheney:
Scared children at the 2001 White House Christmas party with his dark portrayal of Santa Claus. Wanted to declare war on Iraq again but nobody would let him. Grabbed his chest and keeled over when his daughter showed up at a White House dinner with Ellen DeGeneres. President George W. Bush raised eyebrows at the funeral when he said, "It wasn't a heart attack, and I fully expect Dick to resume his duties as vice president later this week."
• Warren Christopher:
Distinguished life and career came to an untimely end when he fell asleep in a subway station. Mistaken for dead, he was cremated. A l Gore raised eyebrows at the funeral when he referred to Christopher as "my secretary of state" and credited him with inventing the United Nations. After delivering the eulogy, Gore stunned observers by grabbing wife Tipper for an open-mouth kiss.
• James A. Baker III: As a reward for his loyalty, Baker was allowed to secretly run the country during the term of George W. Bush, a job he also held during the Reagan administration. After leaving politics, Baker became the new voice for Mr. Burns on "The Simpsons."
• Jeb Bush:
Bush loses his reelection bid to Green Party candidate Fidel Castro, blaming the defeat on a butterfly ballot used in Miami-Dade. Later was appointed U.S. attorney general by his big brother. Other department heads ruffled his hair and called him Bobby at Cabinet meetings.
• Bill Clinton:
Compromise proposal to remain president the rest of his life rejected. Allegedly pinched Laura Bush at inauguration. Divorced by wife Hillary. Spent final years as a broken man, running Po Boy Billy's BBQ stand in Arkansas.
• Katherine Harris:
Became a partner with Tammy Faye in developing a line of beauty-care products called Sensuous Republican. Nominated as best supporting actress for her portrayal of the Borg Queen. Achieved lifelong ambition in 2028 when President Tom Feeney appointed her as ambassador to Chad.
• Chief Justice Charles Wells:
Florida Supreme Court jurist left bench to star in WB courtroom show: "Judge Chuck!" Issued landmark ruling in 2005 that said a wife who has a sex-change operation and sleeps with her husband's sister is not entitled to alimony. Ruling was overturned by U.S. Supreme Court.
A FEW MORE NEW BUMPER STICKERS
• The election can't be broken. We just fixed it.
• Honk If You Love Al Gore! (use the button on your steering wheel)
• Three strikes and you're President.
• My 2nd Grader is Smarter than 19,000 Florida voters!
• I Invented the Bumper Sticker — A. Gore
• Will Rogers never met George W.
• OK, forget votes. How many guns do you have?
• Bradley vs. McCain: Sounds Better Now, Huh?
[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
A SNEAK PEEK AT DUBYA'S INAUGURAL ADDRESS
(which seems to have been ghostwritten by Dan Quayle)
My fellow Armenians, as I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent gathering of gatherers, I think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar approach. I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it.
Americans have made their decision. They don't need sympathy; they need absolutions. We need to move beyond the petty armadillos. Politics doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie higher. Let everyone who needs to put food on the table put their family on the table. That's my record: I side with the people. Except when I disagree.
A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his baseball team's families, but of all American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and who are the wrong Americans. All of us are together, white or wrong, black or right. Or perversely. That's why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And it will give our expansion a timely second dose of wind.
I say there's a cost to inaction. I haven't done the acrobatics, but it's probably around a trillion dollars. That's a good round sum to offer to everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who taught me to read and write when I was still knee high to a lawnmower. We need our seniors to be free to pass on their life's work to those they love, and especially to pass on. Thanks Mom and Dad.
We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great super premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded. We need a sharpened sword to fight our way, and share our plow. The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches every Heart with money. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches and feet, not miles or kilograms. Or cantilevers.
I worked in Texas by common sense and plain dozing. I got on with small business, because I was one myself. I'm less now. But I'm also more. We are all less and more. More or less. And I believe we must match our compassionate hearts to our preservative minds. I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw to a confusion.
My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire. I will appeal to people's better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust the people we serve, and serve the people we trust. But we shall not trust the people with the money of the people who paid to get us here. Together, we can do what needs to be done to preserve this great bastard of freedom.
Thank you and God Help America.
DRAFTS FROM AL GORE'S CONCESSION SPEECH
1st Draft:
"Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight we come to the end of a long road and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in the International Court of Justice seeking to overturn the Florida election ..." (crumple crumple crumple))
2nd Draft:
"Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote ..." (crumple crumple crumple)
3rd Draft:
"Good evening, everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shafted ...." (crumple crumple crumple)
4th Draft:
"Good evening, my fellow Americans. Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of a 'loser' ..." (crumple crumple crumple)
5th Draft:
"Good evening, my fellow Americans. Approximately 12 million light years ago, when I was first dispatched to your planet from Zolloid 9 ..." (crumple crumple crumple)
6th Draft:
"My fellow Americans: I can't do this. I just can't do this ..." (crumple crumple crumple)
7th Draft:
"Hello, my fellow Americans. It's been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Bu, BbbBahoo." (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President George W. Buh, Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKING CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS!" (crumple crumple crumple)
8th Draft:
"My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate ..." (crumple crumple crumple)
9th Draft (folksy approach):
Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, when I was young boy frolicking on the zero-gravity ash fields of Zolloid 9, it never occurred to me when I downloaded the human emotion coding sequences ...." (crumple crumple crumple)
10th Draft:
"Good evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That's called 'stealing,' and in America stealing is a crime ..." (crumple crumple crumple)
11th Draft:
"My fellow Americans, most of you probably know how to count. One. Two. Three. And so on. See? It's not that difficult." (Smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida. ..." (crumple crumple crumple)
12th Draft:
"Good evening, everyone. Generally speaking, civil war is never a good thing. But there are times. ... Ah, forget it.
[Thanks again to Brad and
Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
GORE'S UNRELEASED CONCESSION SPEECH
(Warning: He used *&*#^%$ bad language)
"What a pisser. What a goddamned pisser of an election.
Yo, Bush. Suck my big ass hog leg. I'm not conceding a goddamned thing. Yer Daddy packed that collection of right wing wackos on the Supreme Court and every damned one of 'em of those wackos voted against me. They best be watching their back because I'm *still* the Vice Prez for a few more days and I *do* know where I can get my hands on some assault weapons.
Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader: take note of what I just told those right wing wackos on the Supreme Court. You better get your goddamned wills in order, because I'm the one who took care of Vince Foster and, by God, you assholes are next.
Those of you ignorant ass morons in Palm Beach: Hey, thanks a lot, you dumbasses. Next time, before you go to the goddamned polling booth, take your fucking Geritol so you've got enough strength to punch through a fucking paper ballot. You clowns cost me the election.
To the 50% of Americans who didn't even bother to get off their lazy asses in front of the Internet that I built: Now you're getting Dan Quayle Jr. as the leader of the free world. Shit fire, had you all voted and written in 'Goofy' you would have been better off.
And to my home state of Tennessee. The 'Volunteer State.' Well, I got your 'volunteer' hanging right HERE, you bunch of backwood first-cousin-fucking hicks.
All of you assholes lost this election for me. I said I'd fight for you so it's for goddamned sure not *my* fault. I'll be back in four years, so you better get your shit together or I'll sic Tipper on your ass and make Hillary my Vice President.
What a pisser.
[Thanks again to Craig]
HOW INSURANCE WORKS
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for $50,000 and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with another barn, just like the original one."
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."
[Thanks again to Craig]
THE GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT AGING
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4:00
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
People send you this list.
[Thanks again to Brad]
THE TOP 14 REJECTED SELF-HELP BOOKS
14. Winning Through Whining
13. The Artist's Way at Home: Living Off Your Parents — Twelve Weeks to Financial Dependency
12. I'm OK, You Suck Big-Time
11. "It's a Dead Thing!" — Martha Stewart's Guide to Funerals
10. Dogs are from Neptune and Cats are from Hell
9. Face It: Mental Health Isn't for Everyone
8. Using Self-Doubt to Overcome Good Health
7. Perspire Away Pounds by Sweating the Small Stuff
6. Bitch-Slap Yourself Skinny!
5. Drink And Grow Rich
4. Stop Molesting Your Inner Child!
3. The Couch Potato's Guide to Becoming a TV-Watchin' Tub o' Lard
2. Tequila Shots for the Soul
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Self-Help Book...
1. Men Are From Mars! We're #1! Go Mars! We're Gonna Kick Your Ass, Venus!
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
GREAT EXPECTATIONS
Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
