THE WEEKLY RIOT
December 22, 2000
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Just when you think you got the world on a string, someone comes by with a pair of scissors.
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy — but that could change. — George W. Bush
I will make a bargain with the Republicans. If they stop telling lies about Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them. — Adlai Stevenson, during the 1952 presidential campaign.
Feminism encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians. — Pat Robertson, in a 1992 speech at the GOP Presidential Convention
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Father to three-year old: "No a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna."
Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It's wound up already.
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. — Phyllis Diller
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--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
If I were Frosty, I'd want a snowblower for Christmas. — David L. Hebert
Man, I'm glad I don't live in Florida. I'd hate to be teased by the other 34 states. — James Konow
THE TOP 15 SIGNS YOU SPENT TOO MUCH TIME FOLLOWING THE ELECTION
15. Your friends seem kind of spooked by your meticulously detailed, anatomically correct Justice Scalia voodoo doll.
14. You can't stop punching your friend Chad in the face.
13. Whenever someone asks you at work if there's any coffee left, you roll your eyes and say that the amount of coffee left has been counted, recounted, and recounted again.
12. Al Gore himself calls to tell you it's time to concede.
11. You were able to explain the $2500 Tallahassee/Jacksonville/West Palm Beach/Miami vacation to the wife, but justifying the Ryder Truck is proving to be a little more difficult.
10. You've added "Election Follower: 11/7/00-12/16/00" to your resume.
9. Your rec room has been officially designated as a "No-Spin Zone."
8. Alt.Florida.Supreme.Court.Spokesman.Craig.Waters.Is.A.Hottie? Nothing but *your* postings.
7. You've completely lost track of which Buffy characters are mortal and which aren't.
6. Although "take out the trash" was the clear winner of your spouse's popular vote, you're confident that your electors, Bud and Weiser, will vote to keep your butt in the Barcalounger for the duration of the college bowl season.
5. You pay extra to have the hooker put on additional make-up and answer to the name Katherine.
4. Chad casserole, fried chad, chad a la king, steamed chad, chad gumbo, pineapple chads...
3. Greta Van Susteran has leapfrogged Claudia Schiffer to take over the #1 spot on your "Hottie List."
2. That lump of carbon in the oven is your Thanksgiving turkey.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You Spent Too Much Time Following the Election...
1. Nowadays, foreplay consists of carefully checking to make sure you're not about to accidentally punch the hole marked for Pat Buchanan.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
NEW GOVERNMENT RULING
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.
'TWAS THE DAY OF THE ELECTION
'Twas the day of the election, when all through the land
the people were voting by machine or by hand.
The candidates had returned to their home states again
with hopes for a victory, a belief that they'd win.
And George with his Cheney, and Al with his Leiber,
were watching returns, and it wasn't a sleeper.
The Republicans tuned up their voting machine
to get out lots of votes, they hoped some would be Green.
The donkeys were kickin', and elephants stompin',
but what was this Green thing in the fields that was rompin'?
A spoiler Dems called him. George thought "He's not bad,"
He liked Ralph so much he even bought him some ads.
Oregon looked like it might be the ticket
but it wound up in Florida that they just couldn't pick it.
It looked like Al won; exit polls all agreed.
But Jeb called his brother, "That's not what I see!"
They pulled Florida back; the networks all listened.
But neither could win with Florida missin'.
When what to my wondering ears should I hear,
but a ballot with two marks where one should appear.
Vote Bush! Vote Gore! Vote Nader, and Browne!
Vote Buchanan! Vote Harris, any more to be found?
Vote for two, vote for three, vote for any amount.
George won't win in Palm Beach, he doesn't want them to count.
With this many candidates how do you list them?
Alphabetical? No, flip a coin and then mix them!
They must go from top to the bottom, understood?
OK, but let's mix them, and mix them up good.
The ballot's not legal, but county leaders said fine.
George said "I like this, those votes were not mine".
He tried his best to act very regal,
but it's hard to take charge when the ballot's not legal.
"I have an idea," shouted George with glee
"I'll win the election. It'll be fair, you'll see."
"Let's toss a coin, let a quarter decide.
If it's heads then Al loses, if it's tails I preside."
"Hold on there a minute," said Al with a grin,
"Let's count them again, and I bet that I'll win."
But George said "No, I want an injunction!"
(Without all these lawyers we just couldn't function).
"Don't hand count," said George, "That's just too much work.
I liked the first count, double voters are jerks."
But after you've made a mistake, what to do?
Are there extra ballots for all those who need two?
Well, not really, but don't worry about a hole or a dent
You can have another ballot if you're the top one percent.
And what about this Electoral College?
That sounds like a place where there ought to be knowledge.
Maybe they'll think that the winner should win,
(or maybe they won't cause the margin's too thin).
Don't know how it will end, but I know it's not right
When so much is at stake and the vote is this tight.
BREAKING NEWS — SANTA CLAUS SUBPOENAED
It is rumored Al Gore has subpoenaed Santa Claus over some "irregularities" found on Christmas list handling procedures.
After the Florida Supreme Court ordered a third election recount, Gore allegedly said "checking a list, and checking it twice" cannot possibly discern the true wishes of the children.
And the part about "who has been naughty, and who has been nice" is clearly a value judgment that does not take into account the circumstance surrounding said malfeasance.
Santa's list was obtained under the "Freedom of Information Act" and immediately a DNC boiler room call center was alerted to call all children to see if items listed on Santa's list were, in fact, true desired intent of the kids.
Several indicated they had intended to ask for Sony Playstations, and instead had checked off Nintendo 64. Many of the children were emotionally distraught and felt the entire Christmas letter writing experience was outdated and "hard to understand".
In reviewing the postmarks on Christmas letters, it was found by Democrat Canvassing officials that certain letters, particularly those requesting "G.I. Joe" dolls were not properly postmarked. Those letters (obviously from Republican children) were thrown out.
Democrat officials have asked that all Palm Beach, Broward, and Dade County children be contacted in person and have their requests reviewed for accuracy.
Santa Claus indicated there was not possibly enough time to get to each child by Dec. 25.
The Florida Supreme court is now considering postponement of Christmas until Dec.30th, to allow for a "full and accurate" list to be compiled.
[Thanks to Sharon — The Book of Affirmations]
THE TOP 14 REJECTED CHRISTMAS TOY IDEAS
14. Box O' Nails! (Now with glass!)
13. Sit 'n Spin Rotisserie
12. The Junior Daredevil loosely-assembled bicycle
11. Marge Schott's Real American Super See 'n' Say
10. Lincoln's Logs (Learn about the digestive system *and* our 16th President!)
9. The Drunken Daddy Playset (with a six-pack of "beer" and a stained undershirt)
8. Larry King action figure
7. Radio Shack High Voltage Experiment Center
6. Uno Bomber Action Card Game
5. Drill Sgt. Larry, with lifelike PantsDrop(TM) action
4. The Waiting For Godot Action Playset
3. My First Breathalizer
2. Fondle Me Jacko
and the Number 1 Rejected Christmas Toy Idea...
1. "Poke-Your-Eye-Out Stick" by Whammo
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996-2000, by Chris White
THE TOP 18 WARNING LABELS ON TOYS
18. G.I. JOE:
"Warning: The term 'Action figure' is a euphemism for 'dolly'."
17. EZ BAKE OVEN:
"Light bulb heating unit is warm enough to melt crayons, but will not affect e-coli bacteria."
16. POKEMON:
"This toy will result in your first addiction. Cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, and heroin will inevitably follow."
15. YAHTZEE!:
"Game score accuracy not guaranteed in Florida."
14. YO-YO:
"Regardless of skill lever, use of this product can never — I repeat, *never* — make you look cool."
13. "MY SIZE" BARBIE:
"Mattel not liable for incidents of doll coming to life, throwing you in its box, putting on *your* clothes, and seamlessly assuming your place in the family, only with more success than you ever had."
12. BETSY WETSY:
"For ages 3-7 only, you perv!"
11. FURBY:
"Warning to Parents: Gets annoying in like 5 minutes, and you face the risk of seeming soooo 1998."
10. CLUE:
"Hint to blondes: While we DO encourage you to buy our game, but this is not what everybody meant."
9. MAGIC 8-BALL:
"Not intended for making important decisions, President Bush."
8. LAVA LAMP:
"Contains less than 2% incandescent magma from the Earth's mantle."
7. RAZOR SCOOTER:
"Will instantly render user indistinguishable from every other kid nationwide."
6. BIG MOUTH BILLY BASS: "A singing fish — what the hell were
you thinking?"
5. ETCH-A-SKETCH:
"Caution: Product will almost certainly be used to draw a large, rectangular penis."
4. PLAYSTATION 2:
"Not intended as a parental substitute. May stunt social growth. Increased popularity among your peers is only temporary. Will not make you happy, even if your dad did pay $600 for it on Ebay. Note to parents: Sure, it's expensive, but think of all the money you'll save on college tuition."
3. HACKY SACK:
"For use by hippies and slackers only."
2. JUNIOR ELECTRIC GUITAR:
"Maybe get a blister on your finger. Maybe get a blister on your thumb."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Warning Label on a Toy...
1. HARRY POTTER INVISIBILITY CAPE:
"Invisibility not guaranteed for use in opposite-gender locker room or toilet facility."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE TOP 14 ITEMS ON THE GIFT LISTS OF PETS
14. Hamster — Sony Micro-Walkman and headband to wear while using the exercise wheel
13. Dog — "A sock! NO, a ball! NO, a ball in a sock! That would be so cool! Throw it! Throw it! Throw it!"
12> Guinea Pig — a Furby with exceedingly low standards, if you get my drift
11. Sea Monkeys — teeny tiny jet skis
10. Cat — Big Bird and a hibachi
9. Hamster — "Quick 'n' Easy Meals Using Your Own Offspring!" cookbook
8. Dog — The Amazing Incredibly Lifelike Inflatable Humpin' Leg
7. Iguana — No-Doz
6. Rabbit — a vasectomy for "Mr. Energizer" over there
5. Dog — "Anus", by Calvin Klein
4. Goldfish — a "Boycott Pepperidge Farms" T-shirt
3. Gerbil — a third birthday
2. Dog — All I want for Christmas is my two rear TESTICLES!
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Items on the Gift Lists of a Pet...
1. Cat — "Chicken Soup for the Disdainful, Uncaring Soul"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1999-2000, by Chris White
"THE RULES" FOR MEN'S CHRISTMAS GIFTS
Christmas is just around the corner so here are some gift ideas for those special men in your life! Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink — they are earthy.
Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Iron Works, Lumber yards, Home Depot, John Deere, RV Centers, and Tire stores (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."
Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook — but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12:
Tickets to a Vikings game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts". Everyone knows why.
Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why — please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.
[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page]
A CHRISTMAS STORY
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?", "You're kidding me!", "Who owns that?", "Do you have their phone number?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.) Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
ANOTHER MARTIAN vs. VENUSIAN CHRISTMAS CONTROVERSY
THE WOMEN'S VERSION:
Do you know what would have happened if it had been three wise women instead of three wise men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts!
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THE MEN'S VERSION:
That's what they would like you to believe, however this is what would have really happened. They would have been late getting started (it's tough to get your make-up so that it doesn't clash with the camel). Then one would have to go back to change clothes because her outfit was too similar to one of the other's. After a quick (6 hours) stop at the mall for the gift, they would have a huge fight about whether or not a Barney Sleeper fell into the category of swaddling clothes. Halfway to the oasis the camel would have broken down (no one checked his water level). After finally arriving at Bethlehem (they had to stop and ask directions 12 times), they stopped at a beauty parlor to get their hair done (they couldn't see the baby looking like that). When they saw the stable they turned around and went back to a Howard Johnson's and got a room for everyone (there was no way they were going to stay in a dump like that). The feminine trio finally arrived back at the stable only to find that the new parents had left for Egypt.
THE TOP TEN SANTA PICK-UP LINES
10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
8. I've got something special in the sack for you!
7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
6. I know when you've been bad or good — so let's skip the small talk, sister!
5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... "wink wink"
4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it...)
3. I see you when you're sleeping — and you don't wear any underwear, do you?
2. Screw the "nice" list — I've got you on my "naughty" list!
1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club?
TEN REASONS SANTA MUST BE A SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR
1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.
10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
THOU SHALT NOT SKIM FLAVOR FROM THE HOLIDAYS
By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY
I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.
[Thanks again to John]
A POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONAL GREETING
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday(TM), practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all; plus ...
A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2001, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wishee.
Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.
