INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
O.J. Simpson is in the news again. He said he voted in Miami. Finally there's a voter in Florida that we know can stab through a piece of paper. Jay Leno
Politician (n.): An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tale for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
Rabble (n.): In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent elections... ibid.
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another it's one damn thing over and over. Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950) American Poet
I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren't coming true. Dave James
IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of the hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our "Easy Sky Diving" book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord". From a Warrenton, Virginia newspaper
To fall in love you have to be in the state of mind for it to take, like a disease. Nancy Mitford
Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed! Thomas Edison's Mother
If you speak three languages, you're trilingual. If you speak two languages, you're bilingual. If you speak one language, you're American.
AlGoreithm (al-gor-ith-m): Any method of calculation performed repeatedly until a prior desired result is produced.
Bush trusts the people but not if it involves counting
The movie "102 Dalmatians" has opened. However, in Florida it's only "97 Dalmatians." Palm Beach County has decided to throw out 5 of them because the dots were in the wrong place.
Campaign spending: $184,000,000.
Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless.
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
I hope George W. Bush doesn't become president. I think that the president should put the interests of the United States first, but Bush says that he's going to do what's best for some place named "Amurka". Gary Tunstall
I'm in the process of writing a letter to my Congressman is "candy ass" one word or two? Derek Winsworth
Where do *I* want to go today? Back to bed. Paul Hughes
So last week I'm lying on the operating table and what does my surgeon keep doing? Washing his hands! "Just my luck," I think, "an obsessive-compulsive doctor!" Chris MacEachen
I had my girlfriend convinced I was over that shameful "Roadrunner Phase," as we called it until she found the magazines. And the anvil. And the bird seed. And the jet-powered skates. Erik Hallberg
As a child I found that lying stock-still would convince the "monsters from my closet" that I was a statue and would save me from harm. As an adult, I find the same technique usually works when confronted by any "bosses from accounting". George MacMillan
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: Charles Howard Jones was executed in Texas the other night,
making him the 40th person executed in Texas this year a new record.
[Sounds like they're trying to keep Governor Bush's spirits up during this long election mess...]
INTERNATIONAL: Alastair Campbell, press secretary and top spin doctor to British Prime Minister Tony Blair, admitted that he spent a year in France writing for soft-core porn publications during his youth.
[He then announced that Blair would mount a reelection campaign, was polling strong and hard, and would ride it hard and long until the earth-shattering climax on election night...]
PSYCHOLOGY: A study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal claims Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore, Tigger and Christopher Robin are "seriously troubled individuals" suffering from problems such as attention deficit disorder and chronic depression and are in dire need of psychoactive drugs.
[Walking around in public wearing a red shirt and no pants is probably a good indication...]
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
HAPPY HOLIDAYS: Percentage of German women who are planning on using office holiday parties to have a fling this season? 7% Percentage of men? 1% (Berlin based polling institute Forsa)
BENT STATISTIC: Percentage of American men and women that have had an affair? 33% Most women say that their lovers are better sex partners than their husbands while men say their wives are the better sex partners.
[Go figure ]
BENT STATISTIC: Chance that your lover fantasizes during making love with you: 80%
OKAY, LAST OF THESE STATISTICS: Number of sexual fantasies that an average American (man or woman) has per year? 2500
[Works out to 7 a day in case you're interested ]
A LIFT IN THE LIFT: (London) Twenty-eight percent of British working women say they have had sex in the office and 65 percent of them don't regret it. Survey was from newwoman.co.uk a British web site for women. The most popular location for workplace sex was his office. Other places used for sex included cloakrooms (16 percent), the boss's office (12 percent), on the boss's desk (10 percent), the lift (nine percent), the office car park (five percent), the canteen (four percent) and in a cupboard (four percent). The survey showed that 82 percent of working women flirt with a male colleague and 89 percent believed that a little bit of flirting at work is good for their health and confidence. A more determined 20 percent said they would be prepared to have sex with their male boss "regardless of whether or not they fancied him if it meant certain promotion." The survey found that two out 10 women had sex with their boss and 15 percent of those ended up by marrying him. (Reuters)
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
SEX EXPERTS REVEAL HOW TO HAVE SEX IN PUBLIC LEGALLY: According to Doctors Steve and Vera Bodansky, you can make love in public without getting arrested and, with practice, you can have three-hour orgasms. In their new book, "Extended Massive Orgasm," the doctors explain how the human body contains electrical energy that can be trained to give you an immediate orgasm without having sex. They say to start the process by touching your sex organs with one hand while touching your lips, toe or other non-sexual body part with the other for a few minutes. Then touch your partner with the "energized body part" and you reportedly will feel a sensation similar to an orgasm.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Q. How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A. Knock on the door.
This is not an urban legend kind of thing. This scam is real. Please read and heed. A good friend that I trust sent this to me.
Everyone is always sending warnings about viruses, people trying to drug you in the street, and take your kidneys, these are urban legends. I don't usually forward these on, but this warning came to me today from a very reliable source and I feel compelled to warn my women friends. Most of this stuff is bogus, but I really think this one is for real. Ladies, please be careful...
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits, DO NOT show him your tits.
This is a scam and he is only trying to see your tits...
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
THE TOP 17 THINGS OVERHEARD IN WASHINGTON IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS
17. I won? I *WON*?!? Incredibibible!!"
16. I'm sorry, Mr. President, but the Library of Congress doesn't subscribe to 'High Times'.
15. Awww, Dad! You said it was *my* turn to drive the country now!"
14. I'm sorry, Mr. President-elect, yes, there will be math in the budget negotiations.
13. With a heart full of heaviousity, I humblifically accepticate the electorocious expressionasms of the American populoritudes.
12. "So, who's laughing *now* about me putting Alaska, the ozone layer, old-growth forests and the arctic ice cap in my Dead Pool, Mr. Smarty-Pants?"
11. "Hillary, you grab all the pens I'll get the towels and dishes."
10. "Hey, Dad, I was thinking...do I have to do it? 'Cause now I think I want to take guitar lessons and maybe start a band."
9. "...and for the Oval Office, what say we get rid of all those books and put in a Sony PlayStation and a red-velvet-topped pool table?"
8. "Only one ambassador to Colombia?!? Well, hell, let's appoint a few more!"
7. "That musta been some party. Last thing I remember, someone was daring me to run for president."
6. "...and there was this little girl, in a school, in a small state who asked me about"
"Mr. Gore? Mr. Gore?"
"The election is over."
5. "Woo-hoo! Now I get a full-time designated driver!"
4. "I, George W. Bush, do solmeny... somenly... salmon dammit!" swear to uphold the Constipation of the United States."
3. "If a Mr. Satan calls, tell him I'm not in."
2. "Dickster, I'm pretty hammered, man. Don't go chest-clutchin' on me while I catch some Zs."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard in Washington in the Next Few Weeks...
1. "So lemme get this straight: They named a White House bedroom after the guy who invented those little toy logs?"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
HOW TO GET YOUR WIFE TO GO FISHING
by Red Green Idaho Press
The secret to a strong marriage is to share each other's interests. Or better still, to have her share your interests. So here are 10 things you can say or not say to your wife that will get her hooked on fishing:
1. "Did you know fish oil can remove wrinkles from a person's skin? Scaling as few as five bass can make you look years younger."
2. "There's something really romantic about the sun rising on a lake in the middle of nowhere when it's freezing cold."
3. "Trolling for bass is all the rage in New York."
4. "Why is it that hip waders make a person look 15 pounds thinner?"
5. "If there are any minnows left over, you can dip them in lacquer and make beautiful earrings out of them"
6. "When I'm fishing, I don't talk."
7. "The kids won't be coming along."
8. "Fishing could save us a bundle of money. It's free food! All we pay for is the gas, the bait, the beer, parking, the boat launching fee, lures, rods and sunburn cream."
9. "Don't worry about bugs the bats eat them."
10. "The great thing is you can go to the bathroom right over the side of the boat."
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
NTSB BLACK BOXES
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, crap!"
Only the state of Tennessee was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
MORE TALES OF MARITAL BLISS
A couple taking a stroll in a lovely meadow comes upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter. Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well, and drowns. The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims, "HOLY SHIT, IT WORKS!"
[Thanks again to Craig]
I was cooking pancakes for my husband but used too much flour & they turned out a bit heavy. After we had eaten those left over were being thrown away by my husband when I stopped him as I wanted to feed them to the birds.
"Don't," my husband said. "They will not be able to fly!"
Hard as this may be to believe, back in the 60's white activists often got their hair styled in an "Afro" (large bush-style hairdo) to show support for civil rights.
One such fellow did so, and came home smiling announcing that he'd also teased all his pubic hair into the same bushy style.
His wife who had had it with her spouse's endless posturing sneered,
"Great... Just great... Now during foreplay, I'll have to look for a needle in a haystack."
A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked.
"You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he said. "I've just lost you in a card game."
"How did you manage to do that, genius?" she asked sarcastically.
"It wasn't easy, honest," he told her. "I had to fold with a royal flush."
A redneck had seventeen children, all boys. When they came of age, they voted uniformly for the Republican ticket all except one boy.
The father was asked to explain this terrible fall from grace.
"Well," he said, "I've always tried to bring them boys up right, but John, the ornery cuss, got to readin'..."
THE TOP 16 REJECTED NAMES FOR SPORT UTILITY VEHICLES
16. Chevy EnviroBlaster
15. Hyundai Balsa
14. Oldsmobile Overcompensator
13. Toyota Timid Baby Bunny With Rosepetals
12. Chrysler Town And Country And The Whole Damn Continent While We're At It
11. Mazda Masturbata
10. GMC NaderHater
9. Ford Exploder
8. Nissan GasFinder
7. Ford Fourlane
6. Mercury Micropenis
5. BMW Litigator
4. Oldsmobile DeltaBurke
3. Lincoln Assassination
2. Toyota 4Skinner
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Rejected Name for a Sport Utility Vehicle....
1. Dodge This!
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE BLACK SHEEP
An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of a hill, they see a black sheep atop a distant hill.
The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black."
"Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist.
The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black."
"Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door
Hey, maybe I can get on
MOTHER AND CHILD
Crusted in boogers,
Stained with Kool-Aid, baby has face
Only Mama loves
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you are my cousin
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
Gall dern Jeff Gordon
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Robert Tilton
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'Clock
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his ass
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed
A priest was walking along the school corridor near the preschool wing when a group a little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?" He told him that he was a priest and that this is the uniform priests wear. Then he pointed to the priest's little plastic collar insert and asked, "Does it hurt? Do you
have a Boo-boo?" The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar insert looked like a bandaid.
So the priest took it out to show him. On the back of the collar are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"
"Yes, I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "It says, 'Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"
While in art school, where we mostly worked with Amigas and Macs, a Spanish exchange student asked me if I ever worked with MS-2. I thought he meant OS/2 but he didn't know what that was. It took me some time to figure out that he meant MS-DOS. "Dos" in Spanish means "two."
My grandfather has recently started a course called "Computers for the Terrified." He's nearly eighty and, although used to be an engineer within the British Royal Airforce, is completely stuck when it comes to computers. He came back from his first evening at this course. When asked how it had gone, he replied, "Yes, it was really good. I really enjoyed it, but I really couldn't get to grips with my mole." I stopped for a second, completely puzzled, until I realized he was talking about the mouse.
Customer: "I am getting an error on my computer"
Tech Support: "What kind of error?"
Customer: "It says I have a corrupted file on my hard drive, and I should run 'Check Disk'."
Tech Support: "OK, we need to call in a ticket, and someone will be down shortly."
Customer: "Can you make sure you bring some extra Check Disks, because mine does not work."
Tech Support: "Uh. We're out of stock right now, but I'll order some."
The place where a friend of mine works was going through the process of upgrading all of their computers. On one computer in particular, they had determined they needed more memory. One of the senior partners got it into her head that they needed more "MEG." My friend tried to tell her that what they needed was RAM, but she insisted that the machine had plenty of RAM and that they needed more Meg specifically, about 16 megabytes of Meg. He got tired of arguing with her and said to go down to the computer store and buy some Meg. She came back with an envelope with RAM in it on the envelope was written "16 megabytes of Meg." "The salesman tried to tell me the same thing you did," she told my friend, "but then he went and talked to his manager, and he set him straight. Now go install this Meg."
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
"I have Microword Soft."
"Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"
(Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help."
"I have Microsoft Exploder."
"I have Microscope Exploiter."
"I have Netscape Complicator."
"I have Netscape Regulator."
"Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."
"I use Outlook Explorer."
"I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem."
"It says I have 2 zillion bytes available, and I need 8 zillion."
"I have a scummy card in my system."
"I have a cursing flasher."
"It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power hard drive."
THE TOP 14 MADONNA WEDDING VOWS
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Pop superstar Madonna and her film director boyfriend Guy Ritchie also the father of one of her children (Or is it one of Rosie O'Donnell's children? I forget!) have decided to write their own wedding vows for their wedding, coming up just before Christmas.
14. "I, Guy Richie, promise to love Madonna, in pointy bras and in no bras, in blond hair and in black, in lingerie and in transparent tank tops, in heterosexuality and in homoeroticism..."
13. "...for richer or poorer, clothed or naked, new age mystic or dime store tramp..."
12. "With this nipple ring, I thee pierce."
11. "I promise to love, honor, cherish and obey. Psych!!"
10. "...for better or worse, in sickness and in health, in Gaultier and Versace..."
9. "I promise never to compare Madonna to those pictures in that 'Sex' book of hers I mean, that was 2 kids ago! Stretch marks just make her more sexy, in a matronly sort of hey, where are you going?"
8. "...love, honor, obey, lash, whip, chain, stomp, bite, and bind..."
7. "I, Madonna, vow that you Guy, have signed an ironclad pre-nup that includes an incredibly harsh penalty for any 'tell-all' books that you may be thinking about writing after our inevitable divorce."
6. "...for richer or poorer alright, who's the smartass who put *that* in there?"
5. "I, Guy, take you, Madonna, to the cleaners."
4. "...to love, honor, and obey because I've been a bad, bad little girl and need to be disciplined."
3. "...forsaking all oth Hey look, a basketball team!!"
2. "I, Madonna, vow to love Guy faithfully, till death do us part, or until I have drained all the life essence from his body in my quest for eternal youth."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Madonna Wedding Vow...
1. "If anyone knows any reason why this couple.... WHOA let's just move on, shall we?"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
To: All Employees
Subject: Office Conduct During The Christmas Season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
[Thanks again to Craig]
WHY SANTA CAN'T POSSIBLY BE A MAN
Men can't pack a bag
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in just as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly".
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho-Ho-Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
Here's some mail to Santa. Did you know he writes back?
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Look, your dad's banging the baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
I want a new bike, a PlayStation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars
do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa
[Thanks again to Craig]
CHILDREN'S CHRISTMAS CAROLS
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with
these new takes on old favorites:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He's makin a list, chicken and rice.
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim
Olive, the other reindeer
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he's sparse and brown
You'll go down in Listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
Come, froggy faithful
[Thanks again to Craig]