THE WEEKLY RIOT
December 8, 2000
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
I never vote for anyone; I always vote against. W. C. Fields
I may not have been the greatest president but I've had the most fun in the last eight years. Bill Clinton
Sign on I-95: Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles.
I was recently born again. It was a deeply spiritual and glorious experience. I can't say my mother enjoyed it a whole lot. John Wing
Anyone can claim they invented the Internet. Wanna impress *me*? Show me the guy who invented the vibrator.
I bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day. When she's in a good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
Like those people in Florida, I think I may have voted for the wrong candidate. I meant to vote for Al Gore, but when I pulled the lever, all the lights went out at City Hall. Chris Lipe
I know I must be really good in bed, 'cause women always ask me if there's any possible way I could make it last longer. Bill Hewins
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS:
Republican vice presidential nominee Dick Cheney, who suffered his fourth heart attack last month, is very likely to have another heart "event" at some point. A top cardiologist at the Cleveland Clinic says Cheney has gained about forty pounds since having a quadruple bypass twelve years ago. He also says Cheney is not exercising enough.
[Don't forget: He's thinking for two now...]
Al Gore gave five television interviews from his vice presidential residence at the U.S. Naval Observatory on Wednesday, telling ABC News "I think this is going to be over with by the middle of December."
[Of what year...?]
Independent Counsel Robert Ray has asked to interview former White House intern Monica Lewinsky as part of his investigation into whether to bring criminal charges against President Clinton after he leaves office next month.
[The reason she's keeping her mouth shut is that she's withholding evidence...]
SCIENCE: (Chicago) Score one for exasperated women: New research suggests men really do listen with just half their brains. In a study of 20 men and 20 women, brain scans showed that men when listening mostly used the left sides of their brains, the region long associated with understanding language. Women in the study, however, used both sides. Other studies have suggested that women "can handle listening to two conversations at once,'' said Dr. Joseph T. Lurito, an assistant radiology professor at Indiana University School of Medicine. "One of the reasons may be that they have more brain devoted to it.'' (AP)
[It's only because they're using the other half to think about breasts and power tools...however, I've got half a mind to stop listening to men altogether!]
CRIME: Customs officials at Bogota's international airport arrested Uwe Randhahn on Monday after the German tourist tried to smuggle a stash of cocaine hidden in five cans of dog food aboard a flight to Brussels.
[Boy, if there's ONE item you know the police dogs will sniff out at the airport...]
EDUCATION: The Ministry of Education in New Brunswick, Canada, published a set of "safety cards" for students to give them tips on issues ranging from Internet safety to how to deal with bullies. Officials hoped the cards would be traded by the kids on the playground and become more popular than Pokemon cards. One catch: the Internet "safety" site address was printed incorrectly. The site it points the kids to is titled "Erotic female domination" and features "women, scantily clad in leather, whipping and humiliating naked men." Education Minister Elvy Robichaud said he doesn't know "if it was a mistake or if it was somebody who did it on purpose," but schools are asking students, teachers and parents to return or destroy the cards. (Canadian Press)
[But that's the only reason they're more popular than Pokemon cards...]
BUSINESS: In Virginia, Katherine Ortega ordered a box of fried wings from McDonald's and was putting them on plates for her two children when she found an unusual chicken part. "I noticed that it had a beak and it had eyes," Ortega said. "I screamed." The unusual piece was a fried chicken head. Ortega called the McDonald's and told a restaurant manager about her discovery, with the manager matter-of-factly telling her to bring it back in for a refund or another box of wings.
[I wonder what part of the chicken is in the McNuggets?]
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
BORN AGAIN ELVIS: After a life-threatening head injury, 15 year-old Tony Ciaglia went into a coma for 30 days. His parents reaction? They began playing him Elvis Presley songs non stop. Interesting part is he woke up. Okay, now guess what he does 8 years later. Yup, he's an Elvis impersonator at the MGM Grand. (Las Vegas Review)
BENT STATISTIC: Number of men who use the slit in their underwear to pee? 15%
[Makes you wonder why its there...]
BENT STATISTIC II: Percentage of women that say their major bone of contention with their husband is with his mother? 90%
BENT HOLIDAY STATISTIC: Men spend more time looking for gifts for their bosses than for their wives. (Survey released Monday by search engine FindWhat.com)
[That's because they get screwed more by their bosses...]
BENT HOLIDAY STATISTIC II: Women spend more time shopping for their pets than for their spouses. (same survey above)
[Its 1-1/2 hours for the pets, 1 hour for the husband just in case you wanted to know ]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Q. Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A. Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
THIS JUST IN...
RECOUNT REVEALS NADER DEFEATED
TALLAHASSEE, FL A third recount by Florida election officials has "definitively determined" that Green Party candidate, Ralph Nader, was defeated in the state.
"There was a very significant 25,603-vote discrepancy between the first two counts, with Nader losing by respective margins of 2,812,339 and 2,837,942, so we decided to conduct a hand recount," Florida Attorney General Jim Smith said.
"We now know that Nader lost by precisely 2,821,278 votes." It is not yet known whether Nader lost to Gore or Bush.
CONFUSED?
We now live in a country where we have no President, but we do have...
A dead Senator from Missouri going to Congress.
A fake President played on TV by Martin Sheen.
A new Senator from New York who used to be the wife of the boss of the man who may be President.
A Governor from Florida who is the brother of the man who may be President and son of a man who was.
A sitting President whose wife now will be hanging around the same men who voted to remove him from office.
A senior Senator from South Carolina who, under our current Constitution rules, could be appointed to be President in this standoff despite the fact that he is 98.
A potential Vice President who, because he did not take his name off the Connecticut Senate race, could end up being the deciding factor in how the Senate is composed.
A Republican VP candidate who may be barred from taking office as he is really a Texas resident and can't serve with a Texas president.
A state where a Republican Secretary of State and a Democratic Attorney General try to determine the outcome of 25 electoral votes without appearing to be partisan.
SIGNS YOU WILL BE A LOUSY PRESIDENT
Your father was a lousy president.
Stress makes you breakout in boils.
More people voted for the other guy.
Addressing the nation is eerily similar to a deer staring into headlights.
You believe in a state's rights except when it suits you.
You trust people except when it suits you.
You make Bill Clinton look spectacular!
Even the young interns won't suck your hanging chad.
All your appointments are your daddy's old buddies.
The only foreign leader's name you can pronounce is Mexico's Vicente Fox.
You look like Tommy Smothers and you keep telling Jeb, "Mother liked you best."
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
GEORGE W. BUSH'S INAUGURAL ADDRESS SONG
(to the tune of "What a Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke)
Don't know much about history
Don't know much foreign policy
Don't remember how I got through school
I'm sure I didn't break the rules
But what's it matter 'cause my granny says
"Boy, if you want to you can be the prez
And what a wonderful world this will be"
Don't know much about the women's vote
Don't know much about the bill I wrote
Don't know much about the foreign vets
I've never voted for 'em yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National Guard
And what a wonderful place that can be
Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what's wrong with C's?
And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet
I can win their love for me
Don't know much about air pollution
Don't know much about the constitution
Don't know much about th' economy
It never much affected me
But there's one thing that I know for sure
If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be
Don't know much about the national debt
I've never had to pay one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To the Japanese at discount rates
But I do know if things get bad
Dick and I can always call my dad
And what a wonderful world this will be
POLITICAL PICK-UP LINES
Hey baby, wanna see my hanging chad?
I'd like to canvass you with my board.
So babe, would you like to kiss the dimples on my dangling chad?
I'm a Bush supporter, may I support yours?
How about a hand count?
I'd spread you like a butterfly ballot.
My chad pumps a thousand times stronger than Dick Cheney's heart.
My friend Chad sure would like to meet you.
But baby, you can't leave my chad just hanging like that.
Honey, I want you to perforate my swinging, tri-dimensional, dimpled chad like it never been perforated before.
Oh, that bulge is just my chad. Would you like to meet Chad?
If you like the dimples on my face you'll love the dimples on my chad.
Sweetie, I'd love to punch your ballot.
Would you like to share a chad?
My chad melts in your mouth not in your ballot.
Is that a butterfly ballot in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Show me how bad you want that cabinet post?
Dollface, you make me stiffer than Al Gore during a presidential debate.
My distinguishing characteristics sure would look good between your distinguished lips.
You make me hornier than Barney Frank at a boy scout's meeting.
Believe me, if I make a mess, I GUARANTEE that I will PERSONALLY take your dress to the dry cleaners!
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
POLITICAL BUMPER STICKERS
UNPRESIDENTED!
If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates
Jews for Buchanan
What popular vote?
I voted Didn't matter
My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President
Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo
DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE........
LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU
Who is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant?
Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting.
Now do you understand the importance of user-testing?
To you I'm a drunk driver; to my friends, I'm presidential material!
One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)
I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER
IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES
The election can't be broken. We just fixed it.
The skies (wheeze) of Texas (cough) are upon you! (choke)
Banana Republicans
George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had
The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks wandered in the desert for 40 years
Campaign spending: $184,000,000.
Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless.
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
WHAT THEY SAID
&
WHAT THEY MEANT
WHAT THEY SAID,
"Call me naive, but I do believe in the end people will do what's right."
Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, brother to presidential candidate George W. Bush, on the battle for Florida's 25 electoral votes.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I am really naive if I think I have half a chance of being reelected now that G.W. has alienated the Democrats in my state.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"Secretary Cheney will make a great vice president. And as I reported today... I'm pleased to report that he sounded very strong on the telephone."
George W. Bush on his running mate Dick Cheney.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
He sounded very strong for a dead guy.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I believe I'm going to win, particularly if the vote is accurately and fairly counted."
George W. Bush, on the counting of votes in Florida.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I believe I'm going to win, particularly if the vote is accurately and fairly counted by machines. I don't trust people. I know I am a people and you can't trust me.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I can't recuse myself from my constitutional duties as governor of the state and I can't recuse myself, frankly, of being my brother's brother either."
Florida Governor Jeb Bush.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
So to hell with fairness, I'm giving the election to my brother.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"At some point there must be closure."
James Baker.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
And that point must be before all the votes are counted to ensure a Bush win.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I feel like somebody who is fighting for a principle that's at the heart of our democracy,"
Vice President Al Gore.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I feel like somebody who is fighting for a job.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"It is time to end this campaign and move on to unite this country,"
Republican Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott, on Al Gore's campaign.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
It is time to end this campaign before they count the rest of the votes. I will never unite under Al Gore so let's unite under George W. Bush.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"This is regrettable because we believe the government has an obligation to honor the certified results of the election,"
Republican vice presidential candidate Dick Cheney, on the General Services Administration not making official transition space or funds available until all legal manners are complete and a winner is official.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
They have an obligation to honor the certified results of the election whether we are the legitimate winners or not. We don't care about the rule of law. We just want power.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I don't like sore losers."
Former President George Bush, Sr.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I don't like sore losers even when they are cheated out of a win.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I'm standing on the playing field ready to put my helmet on."
Florida's Legislature Republican House speaker Rep. Tom Feeney, on calling a special session of the Republican dominated Florida Legislature to name its own slate of voters to the Electoral College supporting George W. Bush.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I'm putting my helmet on and keeping it on till after the next election when the Florida voters hit me and my Republican party over the head.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I've decided that a presidential campaign is really not a place where great ideas and great issues can be best advanced."
Reform Party candidate Pat Buchanan.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
That is why I would like to announce my candidacy for president in 2004 because I have no great ideas or great issues to advance.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"How can we teach our children that every vote counts if we're not willing...to count every vote?"
Democratic vice presidential candidate Joe Lieberman, on plans to contest Florida's certification.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I am willing to count every vote as many times as it takes to win this election.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"Now that the votes have been counted, it's time for the votes to count."
George W. Bush.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
When it comes to counting all the counted votes, you can count on me to see that all the votes have been counted and that it is now time for the votes to count. Once all of the counted votes and recounted votes have been counted and recounted then you can count on me to be the type of president people can count on. I will now recount what I just said. 'When it comes to counting all the counted votes, you can count on me to see that all the votes have been counted and that it is now time for the votes to count. Once all of the counted votes and recounted votes have been counted and recounted then you can count on me to be the type of president people can count on.'
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
TO-DO LISTS
A PALM BEACH VOTER'S TO-DO LIST:
Skip reading the directions on my butterfly ballot
Punch ballot twice, once for president, once for vice president
Shop on Worth Avenue
Afternoon bingo
Return items to Worth Avenue stores
Make protest signs
Skip reading the directions on making protest signs
March for a re-vote
Beat the crap out of butterfly ballot designer Theresa LePore
Early bird dinner
KATHERINE HARRIS' TO-DO LIST:
Order this month's pallet of makeup
Go to Home Depot, buy caulking gun
Use caulking gun to apply makeup
Meet with George W. in hotel room to earn my cabinet post
Give George W. a hickey
Put band-aid over hickey and call it a boil
Practice my chicken dance for possible revival of my night club act
JEB BUSH'S TO-DO LIST:
Remind Columba to 'declare' items bought while overseas when returning home
Bring out the Al Gore piρata for Christmas
Send Christmas card to Elian
Meet Katherine Harris in hotel room for a 'chicken dance' & a hickey
Do whatever it takes to get George W. elected
Have George W. get me a cabinet position after I lose reelection
Ask Katherine Harris about a partnership in her revival of her nightclub act
Inquire about running for Texas Governor
AN ELECTORATE DELEGATE'S TO-DO LIST:
Request a non-butterfly ballot when making vote
Admit I'm willing to be a faithless electorate for a Playstation 2
Keg party with George W.
Meet Katherine Harris in hotel room for a 'chicken dance' & a hickey
Hold nose and vote
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
CHASTITY
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.
"No thank you," she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said.
"But, it has my husband pretty upset."
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
THE TOP 15 INDICATIONS YOU'RE DATING A GADGET GEEK
15. All your other boyfriends had Hustlers underneath their mattresses; this one has Nokia user manuals.
14. You don't mind the video taping of your lovemaking, but the blimp camera and Jumbotron feed kind of spoil the mood.
13. Nose hair trimmers are one thing, but a nose picker is just *wrong*.
12. You don't mind so much that he desperately needed to be the first guy on the block to own a PlayStation 2, but you don't appreciate having to sleep in the window of the pawn shop.
11. "Talk to the hand" replaced with "Please speak clearly into the voice-enabled PDA."
10. Mumbles something about a "damn beta version" as he attempts to pry your cat's charred tail from his new toaster.
9. After consulting his Palm Pilot, he makes his big move with the line, "Bob G. from Allentown, PA wants you to take off your top."
8. Your pager reminds his Palm Pilot to call his cell phone to tell him that you want to watch "Buffy" and his wrist TV.
7. When he switches to rechargeable batteries, Duracell stock dips 12-3/8.
6. The following appears on your two-way pager:
Bob8340: will u marry me debbie */o <--- diamond ring ;)
5. After each flush, toilet reports how much lighter you've become and reads you your daily fortune.
4. Her vibrator has its own IP address and a wireless remote.
3. Most other guys just phone Domino's; he tries to impress you by using his Palm Pilot's infrared wireless modem to dial into his web server which accesses his private JavaScript macro so his beeper can serve as a "food procurement device."
2. He searches for your G-Spot using a modified GPS system.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Indication You're Dating a Gadget Geek...
1. The last time you made love, she uttered the name of another man...with whom she was having cybersex via the monitor built into her glasses.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE TOURIST
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Well, no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
GOOD BOY!
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
THE TOP 10 NEW WONDER DRUGS
10. Monicquil The against-the-wall, under-the-desk, in-the-bathroom, with-a-cigar, grabbing-in-public, with-the-wife-away so you can lie medicine.
9. TetrisCyclin A treatment for video game addiction.
8. Lilithium Gives you the dreamy, starry-eyed frame of mind of a female folk singer.
7. Sodium Pentagon Inhibits lying by U.S. military defense contractors.
6. Methadome Synthetic substitute designed to wean men from Rogaine.
5. Tripp-tophan The laxative that's guaranteed to make the shit hit the fan.
4. PhenylBarbieDoll Causes pubescent girls to sprout legs like a giraffe and enormous perky breasts.
3. Elton John's Wort Helps maintain one's sense of well-being even while obliterating one's sense of fashion.
2. Viagrogaine Makes your hair like Don King's.
and TopFive's Number 1 New Wonder Drug...
1. Phuquitol The all-natural stress reliever whose name says all.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1998, 2000 by Chris White
REMINDER
I'm not sure what this means, but don't forget...December 8 is "Take It In The Ear Day"!
