INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Japan has sent the U.S. 50,000,000 cases of Viagra. They heard that our entire country can't get an election.
Q: How many West Palm Beach voters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 19,001.......19,000 that can't follow the directions, one that does and screws it in.
George Bush is Forest Gump with a trust fund. — San Francisco Chronicle columnist Joan Ryan
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." — Charlie Brown
If there was a tax on sex, I'd be getting a hefty refund check.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
I just discovered my wife is a bisexual polygamist. Her true loves are Jack Daniels and Virginia Slims.
The Web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
Keyboard not found. Press any key to continue.
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
I keep hearing about the Supreme Court. Is that like regular court, but with sour cream and tomatoes? — James Key
My doctor told me my sperm count was low. I made him recount by hand just to be sure. — Anderson Reggio
Is it just me or do you sometimes find yourself double clicking on the TV remote control? — Tina
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
George W. Bush claimed victory in the U.S. presidential race on Sunday, after the state of Florida declared him the winner, but the General Services Accounting office said Sunday night that it will not release $5.3 million to George W. Bush in order for him to commence a presidential transition team. The order came from White House chief of Staff John Podesta...
["Read my lips — no new interns..."]
Ralph Nader, reviving a proposal he made about two weeks ago in Denver, still recommends a coin toss to appease the millions of Americans who will end up feeling that either Al Gore or George W. Bush stole the election.
[Yeah — and to make the odds as similar to the election as possible:
Heads — Bush wins
Tails — Gore wins
If the coin rolls around the earth twice, derails a train, bounces off the sun and solves world hunger — Nader wins!]
ECONOMY: The U.S. economy has slowed, growing at an annual rate of just 2.4 percent over the summer, the slowest pace in nearly four years.
[It should jump next month, when Gore and Bush start paying their legal bills...]
RESEARCHER SAYS HAVE SEX TO REDUCE DISEASE RISK...
Men can halve the risk of a major heart attack or stroke by having sex three or four times a week, a specialist in cardiovascular disease said on Tuesday.
Men who see themselves as athletic in bed will be also heartened by University of Bristol research which says doctors now believe that sex is as legitimate a form of exercise as a game of squash or a long run.
The university's Professor Shah Ebrahim said a study of 2,400 men in the Welsh town of Caerphilly had forced cardiovascular specialists to redefine the relationship between exercise and the prevention of cardiovascular disease.
"In the past we thought it had to be activity at least three times a week and lasting 20 minutes or longer, causing sweatiness or being out of breath," Ebrahim told Reuters.
"That's quite vigorous activity. Most men of course think it's sex, which most women think lasts only a few minutes and isn't nearly as sustained as that," he said.
In the groundbreaking Caerphilly study, men with no history of major diseases were asked a wide range of questions, including whether they had sex once, twice or three or more times a week.
"What was found when the men were followed up over the next 10 years was that those who'd had three or more orgasms a week were half as likely to have had a heart attack or a stroke," Ebrahim said by telephone from the fourth World Stroke Congress in Melbourne. — Reuters | Breaking News from Around the Globe
...BUT NOT IF YOU CHEAT!
The World Stroke Congress was told on Monday of Japanese research into a possible link between strokes and infidelity.
Tokyo-based cardiovascular researcher Dr. Izumi Toyoda said he had found in a study of 42 people who had suffered fatal cerebral strokes while having sex that almost half were being unfaithful.
Of the 42 fatal strokes, 19 "resulted from sexual relations that were extramarital or with prostitutes", Toyoda said. — Reuters | Breaking News from Around the Globe
BUSINESS: A human sperm shortage in Canada has forced doctors, and their patients who want to be artificially inseminated, to look south of the border for frozen semen. Large U.S. firms are now increasingly filling the demand previously met by Canadian sperm banks.
[Look for blindness in American men to increase proportionally...]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.
So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.
The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now.
They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos — after all, they now had their own department at the university.
So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."
THE TOP 10 THINGS COMMONLY OVERHEARD AT THANKSGIVING DINNER
10. "The rule states that the person who gets the larger portion of the wishbone wins — but we can certainly re-measure again by hand."
9. "Pour a little gravy on my thighs — I'm stuck in this chair!"
8. "Butterball? No. It's an Elian brand turkey — when it's ready, Janet Reno's thugs kick in the door and pull it out of the oven at gunpoint."
7. "Is that your final helping, lardass?"
6. "George, why are looking at Jeb that way? Carve the turkey or put the knife down!"
5. "Mom! I just saw Granny sticking her hand into the turkey's 'special places'!"
4. "Mom, can I have a second helping of guilt trip?"
3. "Oh, yeah?! We'll see if you still think this is a dysfunctional family with a drumstick shoved up your ass!"
2. "Yes, Mr. President, we understand. You're a breast man. That's very funny, Sir."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Commonly Overheard at Thanksgiving Dinner...
1. "Could you please pass the stomach pump?"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE TOP TEN WAYS TO BREAK THE BUSH/GORE TIE
10. Shave their heads and look for a 666 birthmark.
9. Dress both candidates in drag. The first one to get picked up by Bill Clinton loses.
8. Karaoke contest.
7. Give them both a six pack and car keys and see which one can make it home without getting arrested.
6. Indian leg wrestling.
5. Rock, paper, scissors.
4. The first guy who says, "I agree," in any context loses.
3. Let Tipper and Laura decide it in a Jell-O wrestling match.
2. There's more than one way to measure who's the best man.
1. Just give the presidency to Michael Douglas and be done with it.
NEW STATE SLOGANS FOR FLORIDA
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again! ...and again...and again...
FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts...and counts...and counts...
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
AND A FEW SLOGANS FOR PALM BEACH COUNTY:
Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.
Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida.
JOB OPENINGSTATE OF FLORIDA — VOTING COMMISSIONER IN CHARGE OF RECOUNTS
The State of Florida has an exciting short-term opportunity for a talented, single and high minded individual who is fast both in mind and on their feet. As the new voting commissioner, you will have the chance to sift through over 6 MILLION votes cast in last week's presidential election.
— Ability to count without using your fingers.
— Must have particular expertise in using "White-Out"
— Special artistic skills in making the word "Nader" look like Gore.
— Must own a large number of high-collared shirts as protection from Gore and Bush campaigners "breathing down your neck."
— Orphans preferred.
— Regardless of the outcome, you will be loved by half the country.
— Regardless of the outcome, you will be hated by half the country.
— Wonderful "ground-floor" opportunity to move up to newly created and highly coveted GS-12 position of "Sacrificial Lamb."
— Must have ability to leave country within one hour of completing recount for possible relocation to undisclosed foreign country.
— Safety guaranteed by Federal Witness Protection Program.
— Full medical benefits including bulletproof vest.
— Retirement benefits not provided since not deemed necessary.
Florida is an equal opportunity employer.
FLORIDA GOLFA proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida which will replace the traditional call of "FORE".
Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call "GORE" while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again.
The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole.
This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair.
A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole only took 19 days to complete.
THE TOP 15 MOVIES ABOUT THE 2000 ELECTION
15. National Lampoon's Election
14. The Good, the Chad, and the Ugly
13. Dade and Confused
12. The Lyin' In Winter
11. The Unsure-ian Candidate
10. Al is in Blunderland
9. Poll Fiction
8. Hurl, Interrupted
7. Men Of "Your Honor"
6. The TerminNader
5. 102 Tabulations
3. We Still Don't Know Who You Voted For Last November
2. Grumpy Old Secretaries of State
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Movie About the 2000 Election...
Goes to Washington
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
MORE TALES OF MARITAL BLISSDan crawled into bed. He was nearly asleep when his wife rolled over and whispered in his ear, "What would you do if a sexy, beautiful horny woman were to reach into your shorts right this second, and started to play with your dick?"
Said Dan, "Don't worry, honey — I'd say, 'Thanks, I'm really flattered, but I'm married'."
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"
THE TOP 13 CRUEL AND UNUSUAL FORMS OF CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
13. Listening to Kathie Lee's new CD — once should do the trick.
12. The "Fran Drescher Sings Paganini" Chamber
11. Your left ear: N*Sync
Your right ear: Britney
Your hands and feet; tied
10. Being force fed meatloaf and yams while watching "Murder She Wrote" until you explode...no wait, that's just Sunday at Grandma's.
9. Death by reverse liposuction
8. Being strapped to a table as a steady drip of mild salsa hits your forehead while the Pepsi girl skips around the room singing a "Who Let The Dogs Out/Mambo #5/YMCA" medley as she plays the Taco Bell Chihuahua like a set of bagpipes.
7. Being forced to choose between a clueless dumbass and a sleazy liar for President.
6. Death by lethal rejection: every person you've ever asked out takes turns reminding you what a loser you are and why they wouldn't go out with you if you were the last person on the planet.
5. Yanni in one ear, John Tesh in the other, and nothing to watch but Doug Henning specials.
4. "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Orenthal James Simpson."
3. Viagra administered by I.V. — death by lethal erection.
2. Stripped naked, tied down, smeared with beef gravy, and locked into a room with Calista Flockhart, Kate Moss, and a very dull set of cutlery.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Cruel and Unusual Forms of Capital Punishment...
1. "Alright, now just pull Governor Bush's finger..."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
HOW TO BE A *GOOD* REPUBLICAN
(by former Texas Governor Ann Richards)
• You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.
• You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
• You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.
• You have to believe that someone like Michelle Pfeiffer really walks into an inner city classroom and accomplishes miracles.
• AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.
• You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.
• You have to believe...everything Rush Limbaugh says.
• You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.
• You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.
• You have to believe society is colorblind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
• You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.
• You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
• You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.
• You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in el barrio.
• You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
• You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.
• You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
• You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.
• You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.
[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
THE TOP 15 ITEMS ON MR. ROGERS' TO-DO LIST
NOTE FROM CHRIS: Fred Rogers, mild-mannered host of the children's TV show, "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood," recently announced his decision to retire next year.
15. Can you say "nine drunken sorority girls in a tub of frothy chocolate milk"?
14. Catch up on a lot of overdue piercings.
13. Work on Russian accent for upcoming role as new Bond villain "Comrade Cashmere."
12. Begin work on new show, "Mister Rogers' Managed Healthcare Facility."
11. Grow one of them awesome "ZZ Top" beards.
10. Update wardrobe for new Spring '67 look.
9. Sit on park bench and invite women to guess what's holding up the puppet.
8. Upgrade Picture Picture to DVD.
7. Finally able to tell King Friday "You're freaking fired... I presume..."
6. Finish controversial last episode, featuring sing-along, "Sharing is for Goddamn Losers," and a savage beating of Daniel Tiger.
5. Shoot out Picture Picture with a handgun, just like Elvis.
4. Get the neighborhood rezoned commercial, then sell it to Wal-Mart.
3. Out of the closet at last, start brainstorming on a way to propose to Jim Nabors.
2. Call up Pee-Wee Herman and see if he wants to go hang out at the mall.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Item on Mr. Rogers' To-Do List...
1. Slip on the brass knuckles and go explain to Barney exactly how far the Neighborhood's turf extends.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
MORE BIZARRE LAWS• In Temperance, MS, you can't walk a dog without dressing it in diapers.
• In St. Louis, a law on the books makes it illegal to park your car without turning off the engine. This was to avoid scaring horses.
• In Kansas City, KS, saying the name "George Washington" without adding the phrase "blessed be his name," can land you with a fine of up to fifty cents.
• In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery.
• An old statute in Flint, MI, compels dentists to offer a "slug of whiskey with no additional charge to said patient."
• In Manchester, England, an ancient law declares that if a young man develops a lisp, he must be inspected by a bishop to ensure that he isn't developing homosexual tendencies.
• The City of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name "San Francisco." It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year.
• In Raleigh, North Carolina, before a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage, he must be "inspected by all the barnyard animals on the young woman's family's property, to ensure a harmonious farm life."
• In Salzburg, Germany, any child born on August 18th must be tested for possible witchcraft. This is due to a local legend that an evil warlock was born on that day in 1638.
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
THE LEAST USEFUL SKILLS FOR IMPRESSING THE OPPOSITE SEX
THE TOP 10 LEAST USEFUL SKILLS FOR IMPRESSING MEN
10. Making football picks based on observations that teams with "winter" colors always defeat teams with "summer" colors.
9. Ability to distinguish a Giorgio from a Donna Karan at forty paces.
7. The skill required to explain, in excruciating detail and at great length, exactly why that nice but unemployed guy Robert who used to date her sister Alice is wrong for her former college roommate Jalene, even though there's some mutual attraction.
6. Hair-trigger gag reflex.
5. Finally determining how to permanently get off Victoria's Secret's catalog mailing list.
4. Ability to competently oversee the entire U.S. Department of Justice.
3. Being able to insert jokes about the United Nations and Ted Koppel's hair while commenting on football plays.
2. Skill in putting the words "you", "wrong" and "are" together in a single sentence.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Least Useful Skill for Impressing Men...
1. Acting like a whore in the kitchen and Betty Crocker in bed.
THE TOP 11 LEAST USEFUL SKILLS FOR IMPRESSING WOMEN
11. Being governor of Texas and/or inventor of the Internet.
10. Trouser snake puppetry.
9. Flawless execution of 2-wheel turns on the riding mower.
8. Can detect numerous ways in which you and your mother are exactly alike.
7. Third runner-up, your fraternity's "Couch Potato" competition, with a time of 12.5 days.
6. Ability to speak Klingon with a Vulcan accent.
5. Making 12 pairs of Jockeys last 29 days.
4. Winning the "Tri-County Fastest Climax" award.
3. Reproducing in whole or in part a Mets game without prior express written permission from Major League Baseball.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Least Useful Skill for Impressing Women...
1. Rectal gas fire starting.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
GUIDE TO TRANSLATING PERSONAL ADVERTISEMENTS
• Independent Thinker: Crazy
• High-spirited: Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things
• Free-spirited: Crazy and irresponsible
• Ample: Large
• Huggable: Large
• Zaftig: REALLY Large
• Fat and Sassy: Large and loudmouthed
• Slender: Skinny
• Svelte: Anorexic
• (I am) Petite: Short
• (You are) Petite: Size 2
• Dynamic: Pushy
• Assertive: Pushy with a mean streak
• Excited About Life's Journey: No concept of reality
• Moody: Manic-depressive
• Unpredictable: Manic-depressive and off medication
• Soulful: Manic-depressive and quiet
• Poetic: Manic-depressive and boring
• Looking for Mr/Ms Right: Looking for Mr/Ms Rich
• Very Human: Quasimodo
• Uninhibited: Lacking basic social skills
• Irreverent: Mean and lacking basic social skills
• Aging Child: Self-centered adult
• Freedom-loving: Undependable
• Young at Heart: Over 40
• Youthful: Over 50 and in major denial
• Chatty: Never shuts up
• Humorous: Watches too much TV and never shuts up
• (I am) Financially secure: Has a job
• (You are) Financially secure: Rich
• Affectionate: Horny
• Romantic: Horny
• Passionate: REALLY horny
[Thanks again to Craig]
MEN ARE FROM MARS ...
The spaceship crashed, but the two glowing Martians survived and set out to find a way home. They walked through the forests, through the fields, and finally came into the city.
They stopped at an intersection and began to shake and moan at the mere sight of a green light. Suddenly, the light turned from green to yellow and then to red.
Turning to his traveling companion, one Martian said disgustedly, "Let's get out of here. If there's one thing I hate, it's a woman who's a tease."
[Thanks again to Craig]
THE TOP 13 SIGNS YOU WERE SWITCHED AT BIRTH
13. You don't look anything like Mary and Joseph.
12. No one else in the family is white, except for Uncle Jacko and his wife.
11. Unlike everyone else in your backwoods, redneck, trailer-park family, it is your ambition to become the President of the United States.
10. No one else in your nomadic tribe seems to share your love of collecting Beanie Babies.
9. The way your dad always says, "Aye, you've a bonney wee Afro, m'lad."
8. You think Kathie Lee's REAL children would have to turn out 200 blouses per hour?
7. Your dad: astronomy professor at M.I.T.
You: Almost starved to death when you got a cue ball stuck in your mouth.
6. Your family celebrates your graduation from high school by butcherin' a hog and tappin' the still.
5. Sober, monogamous, and a Kennedy? Hmmm...
4. Your dad, Mr. Hawking, shows little if any enthusiasm for your burgeoning career as a pro wrestler.
3. You bear an uncanny resemblance to the President of the United States, but hell, so do a lot of kids in Arkansas.
2. Your brothers, Alec, Billy, Daniel and Steven, also work in film, but you're the one who manages a Fotomat.
and TopFive's Number 1 Sign You Were Switched at Birth...
1. You: All-State linebacker
Your father: President of Microsoft
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1998-2000, by Chris White
HOW TO TELL THE WEATHER
To Tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
BALLAD OF THE COMPUTER HILLBILLIES
(sung to the tune of the TV show "The Beverly Hillbillies")
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed, But then one day he was talking to a recruiter, who said, "They pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
UNIX, that is. CRTs. Workstations.
Well, the first thing ya know ole Jed's an Engineer. The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here". They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be", So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee.
Intel, that is. Dry heat. No amusement parks
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube. They said "Your project's late, but we know just what to do. Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
O.T. that is. Unpaid. Mandatory.
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad. Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad. They called another meeting and decided on a fix. The answer was quite simple, "We'll work him 66!"
Hours, that is. Stressed out. No social life.
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey. Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away. Waiting to retire when he turned 64, Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is. De-briefed. Unemployed.
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told: Companies will use you and discard you when you're old. So gather up your friends and start your own firm, beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is. Bill Gates. Steve Case.
Y'all come back now ya hear?
WHAT IS LOVE?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4-8 year-olds: "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think.
• "Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."
• "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
• "When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
• "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
• "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
• "Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."
• "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
• "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
• "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
• "When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."
• "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day."
• "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
• "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
• "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
• "Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
• "Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
• "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
• "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
[Thanks again to Craig]