SPECIAL EDITION:
A CALL FOR DNA TESTING OF ALL CHADS
THE WEEKLY RIOT
November 24, 2000
Though passion may be strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. Now is not the time for either side to stand on legalisms and public relations tricks.
Abraham Lincoln
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
This is the Election Broadcast Network. Had this been an actual election, you would have been told who won and why you should care. Please stay tuned... from a cartoon by Ted Rall in Newsweek
DON'T BLAME ME. I THINK I VOTED FOR GORE. a new bumper sticker popping up in Florida
George W. Bush is not our President. Al Gore is not our President. Let's just leave it that way. David Letterman
Every big-shot lawyer in the United States is now in Florida, so here's what happens: If we were to have a hurricane, God forbid we had a hurricane, this whole thing could still have a happy ending. ibid.
Remember the ones who said they thought they voted for Buchanan? They thought they were voting for James Buchanan. Jay Leno
Actually, I feel sorry for some of those people down in Florida. You move down there for the arthritis and then they make you count ballots by hand. ibid.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. Oscar Ameringer
So, not only does Bush love the Electoral College but he thinks it ought to have a new stadium. Mark Russell
Where is lawyer Johnnie Cochran when the Democrats need him most? If the votes don't amount, you must recount. Charlie Skuba
I'd rather have my kids watch a movie about Bush than Gore. George Carlin
"Charlie's Angels" opened this weekend. Strong women and no guns. Sounds like a Republican nightmare. Jay Leno
Now voters in Florida are complaining that they couldn't figure out how to get into the polling places because some doors were marked "pull" and they were pushing. They were stuck outside for hours trying to vote.
Life is full of irregularities. Who among us hasn't mistakenly poured orange juice on our breakfast cereal...or been cited by the EPA for toxic eyeshadow levels? ModernHumorist.com, in a fake petition 'written' by Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
I hope we get this president thing sorted out soon, cause every time the aliens ask me to take them to my leader, I don't know what to do. George MacMillan
It's got to be difficult to maintain an election this long, don't you think? Michael Sheinbaum (The Full Deck)
Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music. Tom Sims
At this time of the year, with the holidays upon us, nothing says she cares about how I am, where I am and what I'm doing as much as the restraining order. Randy Saint
The holidays always stir up some very strong emotions in me. Unfortunately, those emotions have less to with the holiday spirit and more to do with the time when I was 6 and I saw the mall Santa taking a dump behind Sears. John Treusch
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS:
Two men have been arrested for trying to auction off a Palm Beach County voting machine on eBay.
[Sorry George W. and Al, your bids have been disqualified...]
Florida's most populous county, Miami-Dade, could take until December to manually recount 654,000 ballots votes that could determine the next U.S. president.
[At this rate they should just declare the winner of the 2004 election...]
Jim Rowland, a Republican observing the Broward County recount, is accusing a Democrat of eating chads. Rowland claims that 10 chads were piled on a table after counters had finished a batch of ballots. "The Democratic floor manager looked at the pile and asked 'What are these?' Rowland said. When told that they were waiting to place the chads in an envelope, the floor manager allegedly licked his finger, placed it in the pile, and put the chads in his mouth.
[Republicans are demanding that he return the chads and will name a new category of chads to show, called "steaming, stinking piles of chads"...]
ENVIRONMENT: Poet Dona Nieto is protesting the cutting down of trees in California redwood country by taking her top off for loggers.
[That'll certainly increase the growing wood...]
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
BENT QUIZ: Who was it that "Jumped up and down, squatted and kicked his feet into the air, perilously close to two different dance partners" at a '70s disco theme party? Time's up. It was the world's richest man, Bill Gates celebrating at Comdex. (San Jose Mercury News)
AL & DUBYA CAUGHT IN A WEB OF SATIRE
Florida's Online Ballot (be sure to move your mouse over each hole)
State of Florida - Election Central
The Butterfly Ballot
CleverMedia: Florida Election Recount Game
MESSAGE FROM THE PEOPLE OF THE STATE OF FLORIDA
We, the people of the State of Florida are holding the 2000 election hostage. When you promise to stop sending us your old people, we shall release the election.
POLITICAL POLL
What should happen after the election results in Florida are certified?
(choose one)
Give Gore West Wing, Bush East Wing
Force Florida to secede from Union
Flip the channel back to Baywatch
Impeach Jeb Bush
Hail to the cheat
THE TOP 20 PROBLEMS WITH HOLDING AN ELECTION IN HELL
20. Due to the use of pitchforks, *all* ballots are discarded as showing votes for three candidates.
19. If you think Nixon sweated a lot during earthly debates, wait till you get a load of him down here.
18. All candidates not just George W. Bush are covered with festering facial boils.
17. During debates, both candidates must wear those big, foam-rubber "We're #1" hands.
16. Low voter turnout due to residents being preoccupied with creating new "reality shows" for FOX.
15. Wacky third-party candidates aren't feather boa-clad professional wrestlers they're mini-mustachioed tyrannical despots.
14. Lawyers always decide the elections then again, *everyone* in Hell is a lawyer.
13. Gates and Trump are always late with their absentee ballots.
12. Smell of brimstone never enough to mask the stench of an election.
11. No elections at all instead, Regis Philbin hosts "Who Wants to Be the Prince of Darkness?"
10. Always limited to two choices: A) Fire, B) Brimstone.
9. The results are held up until Strom Thurmond arrives to certify the re-count.
8. Results are always the same:
49.9% - Hitler
49.9% - Dr. Laura
0.2% - Carrot Top
7. Secretary of State in Hell? Still Katherine Harris!
6. Difficult to get unbiased election results by radio with all the stations set to Limbaugh, 24/7.
5. It's hard to dupe the electorate when 86% are former politicians themselves.
4. Every candidate promises the same thing: Lower taxes, protect social security, more ice water.
3. Having to shovel snow after a Buchanan victory.
2. Who cares who wins? You're in Hell! There's still that little matter of eternal damnation.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Problem With Holding an Election in Hell...
1. Ballot instructions read, "Cleanly punch chad in appropriate hole." Your name? Chad.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPTS OF THE AL & DUBYA'S PHONECALLS
OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT OF THE CONCESSION CALL
Phone Conversation #1:
Governor George W. Bush
Vice President Al Gore
November 8, 2000
2:35 AM EST
George: George W. Bush, next president of the United States, who is this?
Al: Uh, it's, uh, Al Gore here, George. I guess you know why I'm calling.
George: Well probably 'cuz you're a loser, right loser?
Al: Well now hold on just a second there, George, I think we could be civil about this. Now, for whatever ungodly reason, the American people have apparently chosen someone of an inferior intellect
George: Who you callin' infurios?
Al: Unbelievable. You really do butcher the language.
George: Get to the point, guy who isn't President.
Al: Well, uh, how do I say this? I'm calling to officially conce to conceeceeeceeeceee .
George: Come on say it, say it! Spit it out Mr. Smarty pants interlectoral.
Al: Okay, just gimme a second here, all right I mean I really wanted to win this thing Damn Ralph Nader to hell!!!
George: (OFF PHONE) Daddy. Tennessee boy's gonna cry! Just like you said.
Daddy Bush: Knew he would. I told ya, he's weak. Weak! Hey Dubya, did I tell ya the time
George: (OFF PHONE) Quiet down daddy, this is my moment to shine. (TO PHONE) Go ahead nature boy. I wanna hear ya cry uncle!
Al: All right, I CONCEDE okay! There, I said it! Are ya happy, ya half wit Texas kook!!! (OFF PHONE) Tipper pack our bags. We're moving to the rainforest.
George: Go ahead, we're gonna cut it down and drill for oil! How do you like that?
Al: You bastard! This isn't over!!!! Not by a long shot.
George: Sure it is! Bye bye loser! Time for a drink everybody! Woohoo! Mas Tequila! Jeb, pour me a shot. Bushes are back in office! Wooh...where's the beer?
OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT OF THE RETRACTION CALL
Phone Conversation #2:
Governor George W. Bush
Vice President Al Gore
November 8, 2000
approx. 3:00 AM EST
George: President George W. Bush speakin'! Whooo, that sounds good don't it?!?
Al: Well not as good as President Albert Gore!
George: What? Is this you again loser?
Al: Uh yeah, about that whole losing thing .Um, I'm gonna have to go ahead and retract my concession.
George: Retract? (OFF PHONE) Daddy, What's retract mean?
Al: Let me help you on that one, Dubya. What it means is that the fat lady hasn't sung yet.
George: Fat lady? Who the hell's the fat lady? (OFF PHONE) Daddy, who's the fat lady? Whaddya talkin' about Gore!!! (OFF PHONE) Hey, shut up back there! Everybody quiet down!!! (GUNSHOTS)
Daddy Bush: Put the gun down, junior! Ya had one too many!!!
Al: Uh, do have a permit for that gun?
George: You can't take it back, crackerhead!!! You're an Indian giver! Daddy, do somethin', you said I could be President. Ya promised me!
Al: Well, it sounds like you've got your hands full. I've got some ballots to count, so I'll give ya a buzz next week from the Whitehouse, okay Dubya!
George: NOOOOOO!!! (GUNSHOTS)
Daddy Bush: Jeb's down! Jeb's down!
UH OH...
London, 8th November 2000.
To the citizens of the United States of America:
Following your failure to elect a candidate as President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God save the Queen." You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out task #1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
3. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any "merde". ("Merde" is French for "shit") The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
4. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
5. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
6. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
7. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
8. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper Football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
9. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day!
Sincerely,
HRH Elizabeth
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head
and John John Garison's Home Page]
THE TOP 13 SIGNS YOU'RE ADDICTED TO VIAGRA
NOTE FROM CHRIS: The husband of actress Zsa Zsa Gabor filed a lawsuit against Pfizer, the makers of Viagra, saying the drug has left him impotent. Prince Frederic von Anhalt, 59, claims he can no longer become aroused without the drug, and it's driven 83-year-old Zsa Zsa to seek therapy.
"But Chris," you say, "How do I know if *I'm* addicted to Viagra? What are the warning signs?" Glad you asked...
13. You're constantly spinning around to true north.
12. The State of Mississippi recently named you Public Enemy #1.
11. You make sure to schwing by the drugstore before every hot date.
10. Bob Dole's dinner invitation turns out to be just another intervention attempt.
9. You get aroused just talking about the monkey on your back.
8. After 12 eye-poking incidents this week alone, the driver no longer lets you ride the bus standing up.
7. The good news: You finally found some comfortable pants!
The bad news: You bought them at M.C. Hammer's tag sale.
6. You frantically claw through your kid's box of Lucky Charms looking for blue diamonds.
5. The site of a naked 83-year-old Zsa Zsa Gabor actually turns you on.
4. Not even Rolling Stone can airbrush away the tent in *your* pants.
3. The Chicago White Sox were still in the playoffs the last time you peed.
2. In the dark, your scrotum glows like a charcoal briquette.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Addicted to Viagra...
1. You haven't even entered the voting booth yet and you've already punched holes for Bush, Gore, Buchanan and Nader.
BIZARRE POLITICAL INSULTS
"He is a sheep in sheep's clothing" Winston Churchill on Clement Attlee.
"Winston, if I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee." "Nancy, if I were your husband, I would drink it." A conversation between Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill.
"He could not see a belt without hitting below it." - Margot Asquith on David Lloyd George.
"Richard Nixon impeached himself. He gave us Gerald Ford as his revenge." U.S. politician Bella Abzug on Tricky Dickie.
"Nixon's motto was, 'If two wrongs don't make a right, try three." U.S. writer Norman Cousins.
"Gerry Ford is so dumb that he can't fart and chew gum at the same time." former U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson.
"He is not only a bore, but he bores England." Malcolm Muggeridge on Anthony Eden.
"I wouldn't say she is open-minded on the Middle East, so much as empty-headed. She probably thinks Sinai is the plural of sinus." Jonathan Aitken on Margaret Hatcher.
"Harry Truman proves that old adage that any man can become President of the United States." U.S. politician Norman Thomas.
"A shiver looking for a spine to run up." Harold Wilson on Edward Heath.
Bizarre News
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
THE PALM BEACH POKEY
You put your stylus in,
You put your stylus out,
You put your stylus in,
And you punch Buchanan out.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You put the Gore votes in,
You put the Bush votes out,
You put the Gore votes in,
And you do another count.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You bring your lawyers in,
You drag the whole thing out,
You bring your lawyers in,
And you put it all in doubt.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You let your doctors spin,
You let the pundits spout,
You let your retirees sue,
And your people whine and pout.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey
And you turn the count around,
That's what it's all about!
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
You do the Palm Beach Pokey,
That's what it's all about!
[Thanks again to Craig]
BIZARRE THANKSGIVING TRIVIA
Cut and planed lumber was hard to come by in the New World, and since the Pilgrims didn't intend to go back to Europe, they dismantled the Mayflower and used it's lumber to build a barn.
Ben Franklin wanted the turkey, not the eagle, to be the U.S. national symbol. He considered the eagle a "bird of bad moral character" because it lives by being a shrewd thief.
Franklin Roosevelt tried to change the Thanksgiving holiday date to the next-to-last Thursday in November in order to create a longer Christmas shopping season, but was forced to move Thanksgiving back to its original date because of negative public response.
The heaviest turkey ever raised weighed in at 86 lbs, about the size of a large German Shepherd. It was grown in England.
When Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin sat down to eat their first meal on the moon, their foil food packets contained roasted turkey and all of the trimmings.
Turkeys can drown if they look up when it is raining.
Turkeys in fields near the Air Force test areas over which the sound barrier was broken were known to drop dead from the shock of passing jets.
