THE SPECIAL HANGING CHAD POSTELECTION EDITION
THE WEEKLY RIOT
November 17, 2000
The American people have spoken,
but it's going to take a little while to determine what they said
President Bill Clinton
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter. Sir Winston Churchill
It seems the entire state of Florida is suffering from "Electile Dysfunction".
Is the insult "Palm Beach Voter" going to replace "AOL user" as the standard for being dumber than a submarine with screen doors?
Everything is funny as long as it's happening to someone else. Will Rogers
One major hassle that either George W. Bush or Al Gore will have to deal with in becoming President is unsubscribing president@whitehouse.gov from all those porn e-mail lists. Chris Lipe
I prefer to describe my profession as that of a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word. Charles Gulledge
My father taught me never to utter an unkind word to a stranger. That's why I carry an ink-filled squirt gun. Lev L. Spiro
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a fish and a digital camera, and after he's eaten, he'll post some nude pictures of his wife on the Internet. Jimbo
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS:
Palm Beach County election officials awarded three dozen additional votes to Al Gore following a mechanical recount and then decided that all 425,000 votes cast last week should be counted by hand.
[The relatives of Elian Gonzales have two more votes in his uncle's closet.]
Wednesday Al Gore called for a statewide manual recount of Florida's disputed vote in the U.S. presidential election but Republican George W. Bush rejected the proposal, saying it would not be fair or accurate.
[Bush said furthermore, that when he takes office, his pro-life policy would extend to pregnant chads.]
Charges were dropped on Tuesday against John Sellers, head of the Ruckus Society, who was arrested in August for conspiring to sow "violence and mayhem" at the Republican National Convention in Philadelphia. Sellers was charged with possessing an "instrument of crime" namely a cell phone to keep in contact with other activists.
[He's lucky in Texas "call-waiting" brings the death penalty.]
ENTERTAINMENT: Lara Flynn Boyle says reports of a fling with Harrison Ford are "poppycock" but the 30-year-old Boyle said her relationship with 63-year-old Nicholson was "really fabulous". "It's magic. There's not an hour to take for granted," she said.
[Especially that nervous hour waiting for the Viagra to kick in...]
TRAVEL: Airline rules state that dogs traveling in the cargo hold must be able to turn around in comfort which means they are given more leg room on planes than humans. Dogs must be held in containers twice their width, while the minimum amount of space required for humans is 26 inches between the back of the seat cushion and the seat in front.
[And if you compare airline food to Alpo, dogs eat better, too...]
INTERNATIONAL: London's Metropolitan Police have announced that, in an attempt to recruit more officers, they will now accept former petty criminals to boost the size of the force.
[Today hundreds of new cops made their first arrest beating themselves into submission and turning themselves in.]
--== BENT NEWS =--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
BENT QUOTE: "My dad will fix it." John "Jebby" Bush, the son of Dubya's younger brother, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush to a security guard. He said this after being nabbed having sex outside a Tallahassee Shopping Mall in a Jeep Cherokee by a pair of mall security guards. (New York Post)
BENT ELECTION STATISTICS YOU WON'T SEE ELSEWHERE:
Al Gore carried the most regions ranked highest in percentage of sex movie rentals
Bush carried 52% of the men
Gore carried 54% of the women.
Bush won 20 of the 25 states with the highest percentage of births to teen mothers.
(Wall Street Journal)
BENT VOTING SURVEY: (Wisconsin) A Marquette Tribune survey of 1,000 students who voted in Tuesday's presidential election showed that 174 voted more than once. Following allegations of voter fraud made by the Republican Party of Wisconsin, the Tribune began an investigation into voting fraud at the polling places where Marquette students could vote. The survey showed that of the 174 students who voted more than once 91 of them voted absentee in their home state and again in Wisconsin, 44 students voted twice in Wisconsin, 26 students voted three times and 13 students voted four or more times. Of the students surveyed, three voted for cartoon characters, 51 students voted for themselves, 76 for friends and 30 voted for family members. (Marguette Tribune)
[No wonder they are having a hard time in Florida...]
BENT QUOTE II: "We are used to a deep-rooted Arab tradition of democracy where results are first declared, then elections are conducted and votes brought in to affirm it." A Lebanese newspaper apologizing on Thursday for declaring Al Gore the winner of the U.S. presidential election. (Reuters)
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
POLICE BUST WORLD'S MOST GULLIBLE HOOKER: (Kent, Washington) This sounds like a beginning of a good blond joke. A woman was arrested for the 44th time after willingly climbing into a marked police car and admitting she was a prostitute. The officer pulled over to talk to the woman who was dressed in "in a very short dress, stockings and high heels," and asked her for a price. She allegedly admitted to being a prostitute and said she'd take $40. The officer suggested the back of the patrol car and the woman told him she had a lifelong fantasy about uniformed policemen. When she hopped in, the deputy slammed the door, locking her in. She has reportedly been release on bail.
RESEARCHERS FIND NEW WAY TO CHILL OUT: (Germany) The term "chill out" can soon become a scientific term. Researchers have found that sitting naked in a freezer can be a cure for stress. Tests in Germany showed that spending three minutes in a freezing room makes stress levels plummet. Scientists reportedly stated that the subzero temperatures increase the brain's serotin levels, making their freezing volunteers feel much calmer.
[And all this time I thought it was called hypothermia.]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine muttering, "You're a dumb-looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button."
"What are you doing?" her girlfriend asked.
The blonde quickly pointed to the sign on the front of the machine that read "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE".
POSTELECTION MADNESS
Angry supporters of Al Gore protested outside of an elections office in
Palm Beach County, where more than 19,000 ballots have been disqualified.
Sadly, most of them got confused and were actually holding up Buchanan
signs.
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
NEWSFLASH
WASHINGTON D.C. Following an emergency meeting Wednesday morning, Congress unanimously voted to excise Florida from the United States of America.
The move was a reaction to the confusion and irregularities in the state's voting numbers that have totally disrupted the 2000 Presidential election.
"This is the last straw," said Utah senator Orin Hatch. "First Elian Gonzales, now this."
Several congressmen told reporters the decision has been a long time in coming.
"We're all pretty much sick of Florida," said representative Barney Frank. "They've been a constant embarrassment for too long now." Added Frank, "They had Dan Marino for a while, but what have they done lately? Oh that's right, screw up our entire democracy. I forgot."
In a speech on the Senate floor, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy commented that the loss of Florida's sizable elderly population will free up billions of dollars in social security funds. "These are valuable funds which can now be redirected toward national defense. We can finally rebuild our demoralized, weakened military," said the Senator to roaring applause.
As a result of the Florida screw-up, the House and Senate decreed a new election will take place in early December. This time, ballots in each state will be tabulated by robots. "It is clear that our human vote-counting system is too inherently flawed," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. "The presence of these new, superior robot mast err, I mean tabulators will ensure 100% accuracy."
"Remember," said Hastert, "every vote counts, especially if it's counted by robots."
Dynamiting will begin along the Florida border next Wednesday, after which the state will be completely geographically separated from the United States.
"After that, they're on their own," said Hastert. "I hope they sink."
BIZARRE LAWS IN FLORIDA
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
In Pensacola, a women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bathtub because of using self-beautification utensils.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
In Daytona Beach, the molestation of trash cans is banned.
It is considered an offense to shower naked.
In Sarasota, if you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00.
You may not kiss your wife's breasts.
In Sarasota, you may not catch crabs.
Bizarre News
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
POSTELECTION
WHAT THEY SAID
&
WHAT THEY MEANT
"It's in our nation's best interest that I should assume the presidency, that this is an administration that is prepared well."
George W. Bush.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
It is in my best interest that I should assume the presidency.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"This course of action is regrettable."
George W. Bush's campaign election observer James Baker, on the Bush campaign filing of a federal injunction to stop hand recounts of presidential votes cast in some Florida counties.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
It is regrettable we had to send this election into court but we will do anything to keep the lead.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"We believe the hand count should go forward."
Al Gore's campaign spokesman Doug Hattaway.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
If we can get more votes through a hand count then we are for it.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I tell you one thing, when this Hillary gets to the Senate if she does, maybe lightning will strike and she won't she will be one of 100 and we won't let her forget it."
Republican Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott, on Hillary Clinton being elected to the United States Senate.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
Bipartisanship is dead and I will see to it.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I believe that those in the United States who have always tried to become judges of elections that take place elsewhere must be receiving a lesson of modesty and humbleness."
Cuban Foreign Minister Felipe Roque Perez.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
We don't expect Americans ever again to oversee foreign elections. They can't even oversee their own election.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I'm very proud of Jeb."
Former President George Bush, on his son the Governor of Florida.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I'm very proud of Jeb especially since his brother George W. will cost him reelection to the Florida Governorship.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"We hope Vice President Gore and his campaign will reconsider their threats of lawsuits or still more recounts, which could undermine the constitutional process of selecting a president and has no foreseeable end."
George W. Bush communications director Karen Hughes.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
We don't want the Gore campaign to go the courts because that could undermine the constitutional process, however our going to the courts to stop a hand recount is okay.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I don't doubt a number of those ballots, of those votes that were cast for me, probably were intended for Vice President Gore."
Reform Part presidential candidate Pat Buchanan.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
Even I know I couldn't get that many votes.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"(The Senate) cannot do business the way that it has for the last few years. It's been driven by partisanship, and it's not acceptable to the American people."
Republican Sen. John McCain.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
It doesn't matter what I say. Trent Lott hates my guts and he is in charge. If I had my way I'd slap the little bastard back to Mississippi.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"We need to see inclusion, we need to see a power-sharing arrangement between Republicans and Democrats. I think we need to start on that right away."
Democratic Minority Leader Tom Daschle.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
We need many things including more drugs for me to have more of these wild ideas.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"Whoever wins then, wins. We will accept that result."
James Baker.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
Whoever wins then, wins, as long as it is us.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"The importance of getting it right outweighs the importance of rushing to judgment."
Gore campaign election observer Warren Christopher.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
It can only be right if we win.
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
THE EXPLANATION OF POLITICS
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me the President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
[Thanks to Ralph, the God of Marina del Oro]
THE TOP 16 DIFFERENCES IF THE ELECTION WERE RUN BY DOGS
16. Vote tabulation has to be restarted every time someone spots a squirrel.
15. Lots of growling whenever someone mentions that Gore is a vet.
14. Although not on the ballot, Perot still lands 100% of "yappy little dog vote."
13. "What's that, Lassie? You say Grandpa Tim might have accidentally voted for Buchanan? Good catch, girl!"
12. Debates preceded by a few minutes sniffing Jim Lehrer's ass.
11. Entire election thrown into chaos when it's alleged that thousands of voters *appeared* to throw ballots into box but actually just hid them behind their backs.
10. Voters even more easily distracted by butterfly ballots.
9. Before the hand recount, Ralph Nader caught rubbing bacon grease next to his name on all the ballots.
8. Spaying and neutering drastically reduces number of pregnant chads.
7. "Exit Polling" just a fancy name for butt sniffing.
6. In Pit Bull County, hand counts are taken literally.
5. "Mr. Candidate, please respond to the question: Do you wanna go to the park? Huh? Huh? Wanna catch the ball?"
4. No difference at all: Either way, you end up with a steaming pile of democracy!
3. Looking for an edge, Al Gore changes his name to Al Po.
2. "And if you elect me president, I promise to execute Mariah Carey."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Difference if the Election Were Run by Dogs...
1. Palm Beach ballots confusing? Time to put grandma to sleep.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
AIRLINE TERMINOLOGY
PASSENGER A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.
PRE-BOARD Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.
VOLUNTARY OVERSALE A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight.
NO-RECORD Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
NON-REVENUE POSITION Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.
GROUP A large loud pack of passengers (see PASSENGER) traveling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited from pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.
SIGN An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport (i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.)
· POSITION CLOSED This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here."
BAGGAGE CLAIM The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area."
CARRY ON BAG An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.
FLIGHT SCHEDULE An entertaining work of paperback fiction.
ON-TIME An obscure term, meaning unknown.
FOG A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport
while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and
is used to delay flights.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.
[Thanks again to Craig]
THE SEVEN THINGS TO DO WHEN YOUR ISP GOES DOWN
1. Dial 911 Immediately.
2. Open curtains to see if anything has changed the past 2 years.
3. You mean there's something else to do?
4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
5. Work.
6. Reintroduce yourself to your immediate family.
7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.
[Thanks to Sharon The Book of Affirmations]
DEAR ABBY
Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Signed, Sam
Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.
Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Signed, Rose
Dear Rose, So would I.
THE TOP 15 EUPHEMISMS FOR BEING PREGNANT
15. Renting out the guest room
14. The Pop Secret is in the microwave
13. Another 18 years down the toilet
12. Losing the immunity challenge
11. Preparing another future Razor owner
10. Moving the Baby 1.0 prototype into production
9. Exhibiting signs of man-juice infection
8. Awaiting the Teletubby invasion forces
7. Buying sardine and pickle futures
6. Spinning off a wholly owned subsidiary
5. Made a money shot in the night deposit box
4. Got a three-month pass for the morning porcelain express
3. Secured a beachhead on the shores of the Uterine Sea
2. Flipping the bird at the Chinese Government
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Euphemism for Being Pregnant...
1. Suing Trojan
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
WHAT A DOCTOR REALLY MEANS
"This should be taken care of right away."
(I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it curse itself.)
"Welllllll, what have we here."
(Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.)
"We'll see."
(First I have to check my malpractice insurance.)
"Let me check your medical history."
(I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.)
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
(I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.)
"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
(I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.)
"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm."
(Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. Proctologists also say this a lot.)
"We have some good news and some bad news."
(The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.)
"Let's see how it develops."
(Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.)
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
(I have a 40% interest in the lab.)
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
(He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune.)
"How are we today?"
(I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell.)
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
(I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.)
[Thanks again to Craig]
THE TOP 13 REJECTED STEPS IN 12-STEP PROGRAMS
13. Whenever the urge to submit to your addiction strikes, sing Barney songs until pummeled beyond recognition.
12. Humbly ask God to remove all character flaws and about 5 inches from our thighs, hips and buttocks.
11. Toast to your success!
10. Blame the friggin' wife for spending all my hard-earned money, for chrissake!!
9. First Step: Ask Her Out And Treat Her Like A Lady
8. Do a shot of tequila every time someone says "codependent."
7. First, you must admit to everyone you know that you have "this friend" who has a problem.
6. Come clean about that Chappaquiddick thing, for cryin' out loud.
5. Put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up.
4. Admit that Feng Shui cannot in any way compensate for daily physiological counseling.
3. Give Yourself Over to a Higher Power: But first, take off all your clothes and have a seat in the Oval Office.
2. Steps 5 through 7: Lick it, suck it, slam it.
and TopFive's Number 1 Rejected Step in 12-Step Programs...
1. Complete program by standing in front of support group and shouting, "I'm cured, you bunch of losers!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1998-2000, by Chris White
SURVIVOR, TEXAS STYLE
Contestants have to drive from San Antonio to Tyler with a bumper sticker that says:
I'm gay. I've come to take your guns.
First to arrive safely wins.
LETTER TO DR. RUTH
