November 10, 2000

Imagination is a quality given a man to compensate him for
what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to
console him for what he is.

— Oscar Wilde

(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. — George Carlin

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? — Marilyn Pittman

I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear, fighting over a belt? The one who wins gets a purse. They do it in gloves. It's the accessory connection I love. — John McGovern

Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around. — David Lodge

Are thee up for some plowing? — Amish pickup line

Q: What does an atheist say when having an orgasm?
A: "Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"

A hot dot-com company gives it's new employees a pair of gold cuff links. On one it says "Ctrl", on the other "Esc" (that's "control" and "escape" as abbreviated on a standard IBM keyboard). "They make a perfect gift for any man," says the wife of an employee, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."


Copyright © 2000, Chris White

I had a big project at work, and my boss told me to give it the old college try. So I did: I drank until I passed out and woke up next to a confused sheep. — James Konow

I bet it would suck to have a magic carpet if you were obsessive-compulsive. There you'd be, flying and straightening the tassels, flying and straightening the tassels... — George MacMillan

Screw that "early bird gets the worm" crap — I keep a stash of worms on my nightstand so I can sleep as late as I want. — Pat Smaash


EDITORIAL OPINION: Regardless of who did what, I can't believe that there is no formal "application" for the office of President of the United States. To get a job at McDonald's you have to fill out an application that asks if you've ever been arrested for a misdemeanor or a felony -- has no one ever thought to make the person applying for the most important job in the nation fill out a similar simple application asking what are obviously important things the public needs to know? Unbelievable, isn't it?

FAVORITE QUOTE: "Whosoever shall pull the King Clinton's sword out of the intern shall be the rightful President of these United States." -- from Chris White's The Top 5 List

FAVORITE HEADLINE: D-Dubya-I — from the NY Post

TRAVEL?: Canadian sex columnist Josey Vogels, who authors "My Messy Bedroom" for several alternative newspapers, claimed in a recent column that carnal liaisons are better in the Arctic than at Club Med. Vogels' contention that casual sex is common and long-term relations frowned upon in a region that attracts a lot of transient workers has caused an uproar in the far north, as residents say her words slander the area's hardworking communities.
[Insert "North Pole" joke here...]

ENTERTAINMENT: The Los Angeles branch of Christie's auction house will sell rare Star Trek memorabilia next month, including four pair of Vulcan ears worn by Leonard Nimoy on the 60's science fiction show.
[Also on sale is this Tribble — wait, that's William Shatner's toupee...]



1. The waterproof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Waterproof tea bag


15. Dangerous Metamucil shortage caused by misunderstood TV reports of "many irregularities in Florida."

14. Booths in Cuba stay open until Fidel says it's time to close.

13. "Help! I've voted and I can't get up!"

12. "Give us 'Golden Girls: The Movie', and you'll get your damn President!"

11. "Aaaaaiiiieeeeeeee! There are 'gators in the ballot box!!!"

10. Still waiting for Elian's absentee ballot to be "rescued" from Donato's closet.

9. Jeb Bush can't decide whether to help his brother or pay him back for a lifetime of noogies.

8. Payback for all those jokes about being "America's penis."

7. Jimmy Johnson hair fumes *still* addling voters.

6. Easy Bush victory disrupted by unfortunate large number of easily-understood ballots.

5. Gore voters "confused" by ballot design need time to prepare snappy answers to the question, "And you accused BUSH of being stupid?!?"

4. "Que?"

3. Waiting for Walt's head to thaw so he can cast the deciding vote.

2. Ballot inspectors are stuck behind blue-haired drivers going 20 MPH in the wrong lane with a turn signal constantly on.

      and's Number 1 Florida Excuse for Holding Up the Election...

1. "Hush up, now! Matlock's on!!"

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White

(by Barry Schuler, president of AOL's interactive services group)

10. You've named your three kids A, O and L.

9. Your buddy list is up to 350,000.

8. You've developed an enormous crush on that "You've Got Mail" guy.

7. You've wasted two-and-a-half years of your life just waiting for new art to be installed.

6. Let's just say you've gotten incredibly good at typing with one hand.

5. You met, married and divorced your wife without ever having laid eyes on her.

4. Teri Hatcher comes to your house and tells you to stop downloading her damn photo.

3. You missed your son's graduation because bowling legend Earl Anthony was hosting a live chat.

2. You actually read those "Community Updates" from Steve Case.

1. You had your name legally changed from Bob to Bob12756.


One morning in school the teacher decided to teach the children the different names adult and young creatures have.

So she draws a picture of a dog and asks the class what the baby animal would be called. Well, out comes, "A puppy." She then draws a kitten, and asks the class what an adult would be called. They answer, "A cat."

Now the teacher draws a picture of a fawn, with all the spots, she asks the class what the adult would be? No answer! She removes the spots, no reply, she draws horns, and tells the class the animal eats grass and has horns — still no answer.

She tells them one more clue: "Your mother is doing dishes and your father walks up behind her, puts his arms around her and kisses her on the back of the neck! She will call him this name!"

Little Johnny in the back of the room has his arm in the air in a flash, he calls out, "Is that a 'horny bastard'?"

[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]


A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission."

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2."

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house."

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."


10. Safer than a Russian sub.
9. The perfect gift for your mother-in-law.
8. Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit.
7. Better than driving around on your axles, right?
6. Pop a set on your car today.
5. C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?
4. Reinforcing the importance of the speed limit.
3. Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something.
2. Best Blow Job In Town
1. You can't recall a better tire.

[Thanks to John — John Garison's Home Page]


Two men are in the doctor's office waiting to get vasectomies. A nurse comes in and asks the men to strip and put on their medical gowns while they wait for the doctor. A few minutes later she comes back, reaches under one man's gown and begins to masturbate him. Shocked, he says, "My God, what are you doing?"

To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." Not wanting to cause a problem, the man relaxes and enjoys it as she completes her task.

The second man watches all of this and by the time the nurse turns to him is quite ready for his turn. To his surprise, she drops to her knees, opens her lips and begins to give him a blow job. The first man says, "Hey, what is
this? Why is it that I get a hand job and he gets a blow job?"

The nurse says, "That, sir, is the difference between an HMO and Blue Cross."

[Thanks again to John]


If you are Type A, press 1 before anyone else does.

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly, just in case.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; just keep reading while we trace your brain waves.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which # to press

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep — or before the beep — or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have attention deficit disorder, start to press......Hello! ...Hello?!!

If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state you name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you are masochistic, shove the receiver as far as you can up your left nostril.

If you are sadistic, get the idea.

If you are grandiose, any number you press will be superior to anything that anyone else might have pressed.

If you are Oedipal, press 7 and your mother will answer.

If you are possessed, press 666.

If you are narcissistic, press 3 to hear a recording of your own voice.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are far too busy to talk to you.


15. Optional M.O.M. technology automatically yells at you to "Go outside and get some fresh air" for every hour of game play.

14. Built-in catheter helps extend those marathon DOOM sessions!

13. Makes you feel really cool for a couple of weeks, with nearly twice as many "I'll be your best friend" offers!

12. Broadband access enables joystick to double as a SCUD missile launcher.

11. You can play it naked!

10. Razzes you about how your country still can't even manufacture a decent television set.

9. Panic button switches the screen to porn whenever your wife walks in the room, so she won't think you're a game geek.

8. Timer automatically counts down to exact moment of obsolescence.

7. Groundbreaking, truly interactive technology allows you to use your own penis, or that of a friend, as a joystick.

6. New "Campaign 2000" edition has an Al Gore that's 33% more lifelike than the original, a George W. Bush with realistic SnortSurround sound, and a Ralph Nader which doesn't do anything for itself, but helps destruct competing models.

5. Special butter churn attachment for "Elijah's Virtual Churnmaster 3000" results in awesome, realistic butter churning!

4. Label on underside has cool recipe for vegan babaganoush.

3. Secret command sequence causes head of annoying dweeb who lives next door to explode.

2. CPU now draws a full 75% of its power from your pent-up sexual frustration.

      and's Number 1 Cool Feature of the Sony PlayStation 2...

1. Highspeed Internet access allows you to play online with other losers who paid $1000 for a friggin' toy.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White


One day Superman was feeling a bit aroused. So, he began to ask his superhero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action. "Hey Batman! who's good in the sack?"

"Well, Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.

"I'd love to, but Wonderwoman and I are friends, so I don't really want to take advantage of her."

"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved good-bye to Superman and drove off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city, when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down, "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor who's the best babe in comicland?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonderwoman is far and away the best lay in
comicland, why don't you try her?"

"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much," and he flew off in frustration. Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonderwoman laying naked in the middle of the field, with her legs up in the air. Superman was tempted. "Damn it!" he thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knew I was there." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in, and gone.

Wonderwoman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that???!!!" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man, "but my ass is killing me."

[Thanks again to John]


A redneck couple were married and went on their honeymoon. After several hours the guy picks up the phone and calls his dad. "Dad," he says desperately, "I forgot what you told me to do!"

His father replies, "Don't you remember, Son? I told you to put your most precious thing in where she pees."

"Oh yeah!" the guy shouted. So, he ran and threw his bowling ball in the toilet.


16. The Thingie

15. Canterbury Tales from the Crypt

14. The Sixth Grade

13. John Carpenter's "Cafeteria Lady"

12. The Texas Chainsaw Governor

11. Gorezilla

10. I'm Not Absolutely Positive What You Did Last Summer, But I've Got a Pretty Good Idea, and When You're Father Comes Home We're All Going to Have a Little Talk

9. Friday the 15th: Rent's Still Due

8. Beheadin'-Shoulders: The Hair Itch Project

7. Babe: Pig on a Grill

6. Dial Y for Yanni

5. The Snuggling

4. Nightmare on Helms Street XI: Jesse's Revenge

3. The Bride of BenStein

2. You're the Antichrist, Charlie Brown!

      and's Number 1 Rejected Title for a Horror Movie...

1. We Know How You Voted in November

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White


• A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

• In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

• In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

• If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

• Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.

• A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

• In Ames, Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

• A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

• In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

• A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

• Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

• Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

• During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

• In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

• In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

• Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.

• In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

• In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

• Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

• In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

• A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

• No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.

• In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).

• The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

• In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

[Thanks again to Craig]


This is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:

1 Grapefruit, 1 slice whole wheat toast, 1 cup skim milk

Small portion lean, steamed chicken with 1 cup of spinach, 1 cup herbal tea, 1 Hershey Kiss

The rest of the Kisses in the bag. A tub of Hagen Daas Ice Cream with Choc-chip topping

4 bottles of wine (red or white), 2 loaves garlic bread, 1 family-size Supreme Pizza, 3 Snickers bars

Whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)


E-mail header indicates cc's are being sent to Judge Judy.

He finally sent you his picture, and the Web isn't the only thing that's "World Wide."

Her new e-mail address: stay_away_from_me_mark—

His chatroom nick is "Swtn2Oldies"

More and more, all you get is "Not tonight, dear, I have arthritis."

Not enough action on the insert key, if you know what I mean.

She gets one lousy hang nail and you're back to talking dirty to yourself.

She's beginning to suspect you may not actually be Leo DiCaprio.

There's no compression program in the world that could fit that scan of her ass on a Zip disk.

Turns out she's been corresponding with ANOTHER hunky yet sensitive Hollywood producer, Rocko, 5 cells down.

You want to spend the evening in the Ballet chatroom, he prefers the Tractor Pull chatroom.

Your "sweetheart" finally wants to meet face-to-face — in the Gaza Strip.

Your mail's so dull lately, even your boss has quit reading it.

Ever since you told him about your 12th birthday party he's been asking more and more about your younger sister.
(Ed Smith, Chattanooga, TN)

For $19.95/month, you should have guessed she was involved with other guys.

Last cyber-breakup resulted in a cyber-restraining order demanding you keep a distance of five chat rooms away from her.

Not caring enough to properly doctor photos anymore, she sends pictures with her head and the Budweiser lizard's body.

She claims your font isn't big enough to satisfy her.

She hasn't replied to your invitation to meet to "share a plugin."

The long awaited consummation of your relationship has to be rescheduled 'cause it creates a scheduling conflict with his Cub Scout meetings.

When "Bountiful Babe" sent her picture, I expected more than a sheep-chasing pig.

When you have sex, you just don't use the CAPS LOCK key like you used to.

When you sign onto AOL, instead of hearing "You got mail!", you hear "You got dumped!".

Why are you only cc'd on the love letters?

You just learned that there's an emoticon for "restraining order."

Your girlfriend "Jennifer" has to break up with you because it's football season, and he's needed to fill out the junior varsity squad.

Your hard drive crashed and she's not too impressed with your floppies, if you know what I mean.

The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1998-2000, by Chris White


One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job — a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie.

"You're a housewife."


3050 B.C.
A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

1850 B.C.
Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arrange in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.

1785 B.C.
The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists

1768 B.C.
Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.

776 B.C.
The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.

525 B.C.
The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a mustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do!

410 B.C.
Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

214 B.C.
Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.

1 B.C.
Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

432 A.D.
St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.

Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.

The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so unchristian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.

Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!

An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.

Amerigo Vespucci is the 7th or 8th explorer to come to the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself...the United States of Vespuccia!

Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.

Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.

Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.

Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.

The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.

Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night.

Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act "barbaric", noting that no one added cream.

Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.

John Paul Jones notifies the British, "I have just begun to fight!" and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.

"Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said.

Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don't say anything important. "Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."

Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.

William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and Tyler too" is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it.

Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than president," which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning.

Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". It has the same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", but fails to gross as much money.

Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender.

Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics.

The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there.

The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.

Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he's suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!

People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don't stop!

Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won't cause any more trouble.

Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage," but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages.

Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn't discovered until 1938.

German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the mustache never came back to finish his work.

Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.

John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn't enjoy the movie either.

As if the Great Depression weren't giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of W.W.II.

Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they've won the war doesn't prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.

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