Special Edition:
ELECTION 2000
THE WEEKLY RIOT
November 3, 2000Vote with your heart where you can and your head when you must.
Molly Ivins
The preservation of the sacred fire of liberty, and the destiny of the republican model of government, are justly considered as deeply, perhaps as finally staked, on the experiment entrusted to the hands of the American people.
George Washington (1732-1799)
Without general elections, without unrestricted freedom of press and assembly, without a free struggle of opinion, life dies out in every public institution, becomes a mere semblance of life, in which only the bureaucracy remains as the active element.
Rosa Luxemburg
FAVORITE ELECTION LINKS
Skeleton Closet (NOT A JOKE) Undecided? Even if you're not, you should take a look at this site. It has all the dirt on ALL the candidates, which might help you make a more informed decision based on the character of the candidates. From realchange.org with sources for information included. Truly scary...it made me want to not even bother to vote and just move to Bora Bora.
The George W. Dance You're invited to "dance and snort the night away" to the tune of Eric Clapton's "Cocaine" with at least a dozen hysterical animated images of Jr.
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule and both commonly succeed, and are right. H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
The longer I read about the Government, the more I'm convinced that there's no problem in the Government that can't be solved by the sun exploding.
I once said cynically of a politician, "He'll double cross that bridge when he comes to it." Oscar Levant
A fool and his money are soon elected.
Crime doesn't pay... as well as politics.
I don't make jokes, I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers
Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television? Art Buchwald
I proudly proclaim I've never held office. I have been in the business world all my adult life. I have met a payroll. I know what it means to risk capital. If Texans want someone
who has spent her entire adult life in politics, they should not vote for me. George W. Bush, in a gender-confused October, 1194 gubernatorial debate with Democratic Gov. Ann Richards in Dallas
A group of psychologists say they have discovered twenty-three different body language indicators that show whether or not a person is lying. If you would like to see all twenty-three at the same time, they recommend taking a guided tour of the White House Conan O'Brien
Vote early and vote often. Al Capone (1899-1947)
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. Bill Vaughan
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. George Jean Nathan
Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half. Gore Vidal
Sometimes I think I couldn't run for political office because I'm too honest and straightforward. Then I remember that I have a gift for self-delusion that could take me right to the top. Brandon Eldridge
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS:
Responding to criticism that he's a big-government Democrat, Al Gore vowed last week to freeze the size of the federal workforce if elected.
[Hey as long as he's frozen, why not freeze everybody else...]
According to Nickelodeon's "Kids Vote" national poll, if children were allowed to vote for president, George W. Bush would beat Al Gore by a substantial margin of 55% to 45%.
[They identify with Bush he has a lot of the same problems: Reading, spelling, math, geography.]
The Fox network is planning to air political coverage for the first time on election night.
[It'll be just like watching the Simpsons, only with goofier characters...]
George W. Bush Monday night, donned a Halloween mask of Democrat Al Gore on the "Tonight Show with Jay Leno," as the comedian donned a similar mask of Bush. "This is more scary," said Bush as he fitted the plastic Gore mask over his face.
[Sadly for Bush, while he was wearing the mask his approval rating went up...]
Al Gore appeared Tuesday night on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" and his late-scheduled appearance bumped a "Discovery" science show host who was to bring bloodsucking creatures with him.
[I guess one bloodsucker is as good as the next...]
BENT TOP 10: Karen Hughes, Bush's campaign communications director made the Governor several suggestions to take on the Letterman show last week. Her number one reason Bush won the debate? "Strategery," a reference to a "Saturday Night Live" skit in which Bush, portrayed as a double-digit IQ frat boy sums up his campaign with a word that doesn't exist.
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
BENT POLITICAL QUOTE: "This just in from Washington. The National Oceanographic and Space Agency reports that the hole in the ozone layer has doubled in size due to all the hair spray used by Senator Dianne Feinstein over many, many years." Green Party U.S. Senate candidate Medea Benjamin's radio ad, which makes fun of incumbent U.S. Sen. Dianne Feinstein's hairstyle. (San Francisco Chronicle)
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Two words: Dan Quayle
IMPORTANT PRESS RELEASE
Due to an anticipated voter turnout much larger than originally expected, the polling facilities may not be able to handle the load all at once.
Therefore, Democrats are requested to vote on Tuesday, November 7, and Republicans on Wednesday, November 8.
Please pass this message along and help us to make sure that nobody gets left out.
[Thanks to Brad Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
For those who didn't have time to watch the presidential debate, we've prepared this transcript of what was said. Enjoy!
Jim Lehrer:
Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al
Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters.
The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.
Let's start with the Vice President. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
Gore:
As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly kissed the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election.
My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1% of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1% in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.
Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer:
Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush:
Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer:
Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?
Bush:
The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.
Lehrer:
Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore:
Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly kissed Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic.
If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.
Lehrer:
Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?
Gore:
It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the childproof cap.
Lehrer:
Gov. Bush?
Bush:
That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
Lehrer:
It's time for closing statements. Mr. Gore, you can start.
Gore:
I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
Bush:
It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.
Lehrer:
Good night.
[Thanks to John Folsom]
TOP FIVE'S PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SLOGANS
THE TOP 10 GORE/LIEBERMAN CAMPAIGN SLOGANS
10. All The Prosperity With Less Than Half the Annoying Scandals
9. The Only Thing We Have to Fear Are Anti-Semites and Termites
8. We Don't Circumcise the Issues
7. Tipper, a Jew and Al Gore, Too!
6. We Don't Believe in Negative Campaigning... Unlike Some Rich Fat-Cat Smirking Cokehead Daddy's Boys Who Like Executing Minorities
5. Too Mind-Numbingly Dull to Cheat
4. Don't Make Al Cry He'll Rust
3. Burning Bush in 2000!
2. Go Ahead, Quiz Us on World Leaders!
and the Number 1 Gore/Lieberman Campaign Slogan...
1. Detonating a Bridge to The Clinton Administration
THE TOP BUSH/CHENEY CAMPAIGN SLOGANS
9. George W. Bush: Now With Adult Supervision
8. Bush/Cheney: We're the Ones Who Love Jesus!
7. Set the Wayback Machine for 1992, Mr. Peabody!
6. Because Ideas Are For Sissies
5. Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You; Ask "Who's Your Daddy?"
4. The Party of Lincoln and Ford, GM, Exxon/Mobil, Shell, Texaco...
3. So Compassionate, We'll Cry If We Don't Win
2. Because Blue Skies Are Overrated
and the Number 1 Bush/Cheney Campaign Slogan...
1. At Least *We* Got Invited to College Parties, Tree-Boy!
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
REJECTED GEORGE W. BUSH CAMPAIGN SLOGANS
It's the economy stupid!
At least I'm not Jeb.
A silver coke spoon in every home.
Who wants to be a millionaire and the president? George W. Bush, that's who.
I like BUSH! And George W. is okay too.
Less taxes, More deficit!
Almost as good as his dad.
I already have President Bush Stationary left over from Daddy, think how much money it will save!
He's Ready, Rich and Republican. Vote Bush.
More like his mom, less like his dad.
George W. Bush, Better than those other schmucks?
Wouldn't you really rather have a Bush?
Ideas for people without ideas.
A smirk you can trust.
Honor and character without the characters.
Not just daddy's little boy anymore.
Everyday plans from every day people.
Simple ideas from a simpleton.
End abortion Abort the Clinton-Gore era.
It's the impeachment stupid!
Rich ideas for rich people.
Vote for George W. and get daddy too.
Read my lips No more interns.
A Washington outsider with Washington advisors.
George W. Bush and Dick Cheney Bush and Dick Giving America a hard on.
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
THE TOP 14 CAMPAIGN PROMISES WE'D LIKE TO HEAR
14. "Mandatory registration and waiting periods for those damned scooter things."
13. "Beer will be officially added to the USDA pyramid as the most important food group."
12. "I *will* have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Zeta-Jones. On network TV. With no commercials."
11. "I'll eliminate government red tape so that McDonald's can be free to sell Shamrock Shakes the whole year-round."
10. "A chicken in every pot. OK, screw the chicken just the pot. Loads and loads of pot."
9. "And if electered President, I promise to learned to speach more betterer."
8. "Forget Microsoft I'll get the Justice Department to break up Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt."
7. "Funds will be allocated to make the Statue of Liberty look much more like Rosie Perez."
6. "I'm going to take the social security surplus out of the lock box, and put it into a Ziploc bag not an ordinary one, but one of those where blue and yellow make green. That way I know it's safe."
5. "Under my administration, State of the Union addresses will only last five minutes and will be communicated using interpretive dance techniques."
4. "If victorious in November, I will after 30 years of seeking higher and higher public office have finally erased the serious self-esteem issues which drew me to a career in government in the first place."
3. "Gore daughters for everyone!"
2. "I intend to dissolve the Presidency and turn control of the government over to a team of Animatronic chimps."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Campaign Promise We'd Like to Hear...
1. "I'll make this speech short."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
LITTLE KNOWN SIMILARITIES IN THE AL GORE AND GEORGE W.
Al's Plan: $100 Million for seniors to buy medicine and enemas.
W's Plan: $10 Million for seniors to buy medicine meant for their pets.
Al's Plan: $10 Million for eco-study of Pamela Anderson Lee's breasts.
W's Plan: $100 Million oil service contract for the Halliburton Company.
Al's Plan: $100 Million for new Children's Rating Czar to monitor movie industry.
W's Plan: $100 Million for schools to teach children character, trust and how to say subliminal.
Al's Plan: Tax cut for families with children in little league
W's Plan: Tax cut for Major League Baseball owners.
Al's Plan: Tax deduction for computer buyers.
W's Plan: Tax deduction for gun buyers.
Al's Plan: Tax incentives for alternative American energy sources.
W's Plan: Tax incentives for drilling American oil energy sources.
Al's Plan: $338 Billion Medicare plan.
W's Plan: $158 Billion mediocre plan.
Al's Plan: $100 Million Internet tax.
W's Plan: $100 Million to limit freedom on the Internet.
Al's Plan: Tax cut for gay couples.
W's Plan: Tax cut for married couples.
Al's Plan: $1 Million to educate parents on kissing their spouse.
W's Plan: $1 Million to educate parents on behaving in public.
Al's Plan: $100 Million for campaign contributors' companies.
W's Plan: $100 Million for campaign contributors' companies.
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
SIGNS A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE IS UNDERQUALIFIED
He promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
He runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing".
His #1 choice for a position on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy".
His outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island is nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
He got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
When anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
At the debates, he answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?"
He vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
He says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a "lifeline."
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
OBLIGATORY EQUAL TIME FOR YOU REPUBLICANS
(Hi Sam!)
A man died on a subway train in New York City and his body rode the train for five hours before anyone noticed it. Apparently they thought it was just Al Gore in town to campaign for Hillary Clinton's Senate bid.
The White House has admitted that thousands of incoming e-mail messages on campaign fundraising and other matters cannot be searched in response to House subpoenas because of unintentional computer errors. In a related story, Bill Gates decided to support Al Gore since this proves the White House uses Windows.
Documents released by the White House show that the Democratic National Committee asked Al Gore to make 140 calls to campaign donors, but he only connected on 56 of them. The other 84 hung up because he sounds just like a dial tone.
Thousands of people are expected for the 15th annual Burning Man festival this year in Black Rock Desert north of Reno, Nevada. This is the big hippie festival, where people run around naked, drink and get stoned...or as George W. Bush likes to call it, get ready to run for president.
AND A LITTLE MORE BUSH-BASHING FOR THE REST OF US
[Thanks again to Craig]
CARD-CARRYING KITTENS
George W. Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"
The little boy replies, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
Bush laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," the child says.
"Oh that's cute," Bush says and he runs off.
A few days later Bush is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Bush says to Cheney, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box. Bush says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Cheney what kind of kittens they are."
The boy replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!", Bush says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"
"Well," the kid says, "their eyes are open now."
UNDECIDED VOTERS NEED THERAPY
The most annoying people on TV lately are those focus groups of undecided voters the media dredges up. They look like they are in group therapy or should be.
There they are hemming and hawing after each debate: "Bush seems nice, but Gore is rude, but sometimes I like him, but gosh I don't know because Bush has a nice smile and Gore wants all my savings, but then ''
Here's a depressing thought. If those hand-wringing morons ever do make up their minds, their votes will count as much as yours.
You get the idea that the undecided have been aware of who is running for about two weeks now. Some may vote for Bush because he was such a good president before.
INTERNATIONAL MEDICINE
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have them looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have them at work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we could take a half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said: "Ha! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House, and half of the country will be looking for work within the year!"
[Thanks to Twila]
ALL IN THE FAMILY
In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs. Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.
Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor would smile and say "Yes" or "No", with an occasional "Thank You" tossed in for good measure.
Looking around her elegant surroundings, she complimented Hirohito on his official residence.
"Thank you," he said.
"Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush.
"Yes."
"Was the old palace just so old that it was falling down?" asked Mrs. Bush.
In his most charming, yet regal, matter, Hirohito replied, "No, I'm afraid that you bombed it."
Mrs. Bush turned to her other lunch partner.
[Years later on January 8, 1992, Bush (visiting Japan after he was elected President) threw up in the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister at an official state dinner in his honor. It was said at the time President Bush's doctor was concerned because he collapsed and temporarily lost consciousness...but was even more concerned when they got him back to his suite later and he suddenly began speaking in complete sentences!]
POLITICS AS USUAL
The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline:
"HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS."
Many local politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline:
"HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS."
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.
When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.
"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"
"Honestly?"
The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, heck, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"
THE MAGIC MIRROR
Ralph Nader, Al Gore and George "Dub-ya" Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun (if you believe Nader ever has fun) and relaxation (if you believe Gore ever relaxes).
After a healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the gentleman's room. Be sure to check out our latest feature a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with a wish. But be warned if you say something false, you'll be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity."
They entered, and on finding the mirror Nader said, "I think I'm the most truthful of us three." In an instant he was surrounded by a pile of money, which I suppose he invested in tech stocks.
Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most ambitious of us three." He suddenly found the keys to a new Lexus in his hand, which he liked because it looked better than the vice president's car.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, Bush looked in the mirror and said, "I think ..." and was promptly sucked into the void.
[Thanks to John John Garison's Home Page and Craig]
THE TOP 12 SIGNS SOMEONE EXAGGERATES THEIR POLITICAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS
12. You're pretty sure your opponent isn't old enough to have freed the slaves.
11. Claims to be the governor of the "greatest state in the union," but is actually the governor of Texas.
10. Has more expertise in extramarital affairs than foreign ones.
9. In addition to claiming he invented the Internet, also says that skanky intern totally hit on him first.
8. You're pretty sure no one named "Darva" signed the Constitution.
7. He claims that the thick smog in Houston is an important, edible source of vitamins and minerals.
6. He's received the personal endorsement of Tommy Flanagan yeah, that's the ticket and Tommy's wife, Morgan Fairchild, too!
5. After an expose by CNN, he's backtracking a little on his claim to have single-handedly conquered the slime-thralls of Europa and driven their tentacled masters back to Arcturas.
4. Adds extra syllables to make accomplishments seem more impressimitative.
3. He claims he never touched alcohol during his entire term as Australian Prime Minister.
2. This many eyes haven't simultaneously rolled in disbelief since Madonna released "Like a Virgin."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Someone Exaggerates Their Political Accomplishments...
1. "...and on the seventh day I rested."
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
A POLITICIAN'S TO-DO LIST
Kiss wife in public to show a happy family
Kiss mistress in private and show her Mr. Happy
Phone contributors and ask for money
When asked my opinion. Filibuster
Visit school to speak on being a role model
Go to bar and use new pickup line "One day I may be president. Having sex with me now may make you a bundle later."
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.A MOLE PLANTED IN THE BUSH CAMPAIGN'S TO-DO LIST
Wear donkey skin cowboy boots
Get secret Bush strategy
Phone chief using phone in boot
Inform chief, Bush has no strategy
Send Bush debate video to Gore campaign
Use Karl Rove's computer to surf the web for porn
Drop off Rove's suits at dry cleaners
Mail package
Remind George W. about open microphones
Tell George W. to use cone of silence when talking to Cheney
Drinks with Karen Hughes
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
THE BEST OF THE GEORGE W. NICKNAMES
BushLite
Son of a Bush
Not-Nearly-Curious-Enough George
The Americanian (Bush has referred to Greeks as "Grecians" and Kosovars as "Kosarvarians")
Quayle-For-Brains
Limousine Cowboy
Forrest Bush
The Global Village Idiot
The Future Governor of Texas!
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
VICE PRESIDENT GORE:
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.
GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH:
I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.
SENATOR LIEBERMAN:
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.
SECRETARY CHENEY:
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.
RALPH NADER:
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.
WHAT THEY SAID
&
WHAT THEY MEANT
We all have met people that say one thing and mean another. Many well known people have spoken out on various topics. We have listed some quotes and what we believe was actually meant.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I have never been someone who demonstrated a lot of emotion, it's just not who I am."
Republican vice presidential candidate Dick Cheney on his impersonal behavior.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I am a Vulcan.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I am pleased to accept your proposal to ban soft money."
Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore, in a letter accepting a challenge from Senators John McCain and Russell Feingold, to not use soft money in his campaign for the presidency provided George W. Bush did the same.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I can accept because I know George W. Bush will never stop using soft money and I look like a great guy for accepting the challenge.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I don't trust him, to be frank with you."
Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush, on why he wouldn't stop using soft money after Al Gore said he would.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I want to teach trust in American schools because I never learnt to trust.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I think its a bunch of bull."
President Bill Clinton, on the media coverage of the presidential campaign.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
Most of the bull is spread by the two candidates.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"The signs are disturbing, recruitment goals aren't being met."
Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush on the state of the military.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
Clinton and Gore have the economy so strong and unemployment so low that the military can't get recruitments. In a Bush administration I'll bring unemployment up so the military can increase recruitment.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"A commander-in-chief leads the military built by those who came before him. There is little that he or his defense secretary can do to improve the force they have to deploy. It is all the work of previous administrations. Decisions made today shape the force of tomorrow."
Republican vice presidential candidate Dick Cheney addressing the Southern Center for International Studies.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
The military's current problems are the fault of President Bush and his defense secretary, me.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"At the heart of this campaign are two critical issues: character and trust."
New York Senatorial candidate Rick Lazio during his debate with First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
Unfortunately neither of us have character or trust and you'll just have to pick the lesser of two evils.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"I think the public would like me to wrap up this investigation, but that doesn't mean walk away from the responsibilities I have."
Independent Counsel Robert Ray on whether he will prosecute President Clinton for his conduct in the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I have a responsibility to my conservative right-wing friends to prosecute the bastard.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"It looks like we're going to be in Week Two of the vice president making things up."
Ari Fleischer spokesman for the George W. Bush campaign on Al Gore putting a specific Medicare plan out and claiming his rival George W. Bush makes only campaign promises.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
This is Week Two of the vice president making up more specific plans. I hate when he does that.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"The classrooms need to be safe havens."
Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush campaigning in a California school.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I will equip teachers with concealed weapons.
WHAT THEY SAID,
"The FDA's decision to approve the abortion pill RU-486 is wrong. As president, I will work to build a culture that respects life."
Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush.
WHAT THEY MEANT,
I will work to build a culture that respects life the way we do in Texas where we have killed more people on death row than any other state.
COMEDYZINE.com
Copyright © 2000, Comedyzine, Inc.
THE TOP 12 SIGNS A CANDIDATE DESPERATELY WANTS YOUR VOTE
12. Not only appears naked in your shower with the words "Vote For Me!" painted on his chest every morning, he keeps hogging the water.
11. A winking well-dressed Congressman drops off a note saying that your driving record has been "taken care of."
10. "My, that's an attractive outfit you're wearing today, Mrs. Undecided Voter!"
9. "I've got twin daughters, if you know what I mean."
8. Campaign signs you see on your way to work: "Vote for me, Tod Linger!" Your name? Tod Linger.
7. He French kisses the baby.
6. "Okay, the laundry is done, your car has been detailed and the toilet is finally unclogged. Are you ready for your Swedish massage now?"
5. Every stoplight, there he is with a squeegee.
4. "Dude! I scored some killer weed...meet me Tuesday in the middle school gymnasium...Tuesday. Middle School. In the gymnasium. Seriously. Dude? Dude?"
3. Not only guarantees a tax cut for every household, also guarantees that "Star Wars Episode II" will not suck as badly as "Star Wars Episode I."
2. This election year, that "giant sucking sound" is coming from under your desk.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign a Candidate Desperately Wants Your Vote...
1. He delays your execution until November 8th.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE COMPLETE BUSHISMS
From Slate Magazine Updated weekly by Jacob Weisberg
"It's your money. You paid for it." LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
"That's a chapter, the last chapter of the 20th, 20th, the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th century. This is the first chapter of the 21st century. " On the Lewinsky scandal, Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000
"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet." Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000
"I don't want nations feeling like that they can bully ourselves and our allies. I want to have a ballistic defense system so that we can make the world more peaceful, and at the same time I want to reduce our own nuclear capacities to the level commiserate with keeping the peace." Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 23, 2000
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
"If I'm the president, we're going to have emergency-room care, we're going to have gag orders."
"Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it."
"It's one thing about insurance, that's a Washington term."
"I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun."
"Mr. Vice President, in all due respect, it is I'm not sure 80 percent of the people get the death tax. I know this: 100 percent will get it if I'm the president."
"Quotas are bad for America. It's not the way America is all about."
"If affirmative action means what I just described, what I'm for, then I'm for it." St. Louis, Mo., October 18, 2000
"Our priorities is our faith." Greensboro, N.C., Oct. 10, 2000
"I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children." Second presidential debate, Oct. 11, 2000
"It's going to require numerous IRA agents." On Gore's tax plan, Greensboro, N.C., Oct. 10, 2000
"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question." In response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the first debate. Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000
"I would have my secretary of treasury be in touch with the financial centers, not only here but at home." Boston, Oct. 3, 2000
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000
"I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy." Redwood, Calif., Sept. 27, 2000
"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected." Los Angeles, Sept. 27, 2000
"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas." Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000
"Well, that's going to be up to the pundits and the people to make up their mind. I'll tell you what is a president for him, for example, talking about my record in the state of Texas. I mean, he's willing to say anything in order to convince people that I haven't had a good record in Texas." MSNBC, Sept. 20, 2000
"I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans." Oprah, Sept. 19, 2000
"A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness." The Edge With Paula Zahn, Sept. 18, 2000
"The woman who knew that I had dyslexia I never interviewed her." Orange, Calif., Sept. 15, 2000
"The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some of their own money." Westminster, Calif., Sept. 13, 2000
"They have miscalculated me as a leader." Ibid.
"I don't think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on prescription drugs." Orlando, Fla., Sept. 12, 2000
"This is what I'm good at. I like meeting people, my fellow citizens, I like interfacing with them." Outside Pittsburgh, Sept. 8, 2000
"That's Washington. That's the place where you find people getting ready to jump out of the foxholes before the first shot is fired." Westland, Mich., Sept. 8, 2000
"Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He
represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally
comes from the pack and wins, if you're going to win. And that's where
I'm coming from." Detroit, Sept. 7, 2000
"We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers." Houston, Texas, Sept. 6, 2000
"We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans." Scranton, Pa., Sept. 6, 2000
"I regret that a private comment I made to the vice presidential candidate made it through the public airways." Allentown, Pa., Sept. 5, 2000.
"The point is, this is a way to help inoculate me about what has come and is coming." on his anti-Gore ad, in an interview with the New York Times, Sept. 2, 2000
"As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards." CNN online chat, Aug. 30, 2000
"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." Ibid.
"I don't know whether I'm going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes." Des Moines, Iowa, Aug. 21, 2000
''This campaign not only hears the voices of the entrepreneurs and the farmers and the entrepreneurs, we hear the voices of those struggling to get ahead." Ibid.
"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.'' Ibid.
"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together." Bartlett, Tenn., Aug. 18, 2000
"I think he needs to stand up and say if he thought the president were wrong on policy and issues, he ought to say where." Interview with the Associated Press, Aug. 11, 2000
"I want you to know that farmers are not going to be secondary thoughts to a Bush administration. They will be in the forethought of our thinking." Salinas, Calif., Aug. 10, 2000
"And if he continues that, I'm going to tell the nation what I think about him as a human being and a person." President George H.W. Bush, on the Today show, Aug. 1, 2000
"You might want to comment on that, Honorable." To New Jersey's secretary of state, the Honorable DeForest Soaries Jr., as quoted by Dana Milbank in the Washington Post, July 15, 2000
"This case has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot. I understand the emotionality of death penalty cases." Seattle Post-Intelligencer, June 23, 2000
"States should have the right to enact reasonable laws and restrictions particularly to end the inhumane practice of ending a life that otherwise could live." Cleveland, June 29, 2000
"Unfairly but truthfully, our party has been tagged as being against things. Anti-immigrant, for example. And we're not a party of anti-immigrants. Quite the opposite. We're a party that welcomes people." Cleveland, July 1, 2000
"The fundamental question is, 'Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective." In Wayne, Mich., as quoted by Katharine Q. Seelye in the New York Times, June 28, 2000
"The only things that I can tell you is that every case I have reviewed I have been comfortable with the innocence or guilt of the person that I've looked at. I do not believe we've put a guilty ... I mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas." All Things Considered, NPR, June 16, 2000
"I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do." On abortion, Hardball, MSNBC; May 31, 2000
"There's not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of people like me." On the coming Social Security crisis; Wilton, Conn.; June 9, 2000
"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating." U.S. News & World Report, April 3, 2000
Bush: "First of all, Cinco de Mayo is not the independence day. That's diecisιis de Septiembre, and ..."
Matthews: "What's that in English?"
Bush: "Fifteenth of September." (Diecisιis de Septiembre = Sept. 16)
Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000
"Actually, Ithis may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking aboutwhen I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." Ibid.
"This is a world that is much more uncertain than the past. In the past we were certain, we were certain it was us versus the Russians in the past. We were certain, and therefore we had huge nuclear arsenals aimed at each other to keep the peace. That's what we were certain of. ... You see, even though it's an uncertain world, we're certain of some things. We're certain that even though the 'evil empire' may have passed, evil still remains. We're certain there are people that can't stand what America stands for. ... We're certain there are madmen in this world, and there's terror, and there's missiles and I'm certain of this, too: I'm certain to maintain the peace, we better have a military of high morale, and I'm certain that under this administration, morale in the military is dangerously low." Albuquerque, N.M., the Washington Post, May 31, 2000
"He has certainly earned a reputation as a fantastic mayor, because the results speak for themselves. I mean, New York's a safer place for him to be." On Rudy Giuliani, The Edge With Paula Zahn, May 18, 2000
"The fact that he relies on factssays things that are not factual are going to undermine his campaign." New York Times, March 4, 2000
"I think we agree, the past is over." On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." Reuters, May 5, 2000
GOV. BUSH: Because the picture on the newspaper. It just seems so un-American to me, the picture of the guy storming the house with a scared little boy there. I talked to my little brother, Jeb I haven't told this to many people. But he's the governor of I shouldn't call him my little brothermy brother, Jeb, the great governor of Texas.
JIM LEHRER: Florida.
GOV. BUSH: Florida. The state of the Florida. The NewsHour With Jim Lehrer, April 27, 2000
"I hope we get to the bottom of the answer. It's what I'm interested to know." On what happened in negotiations between the Justice Department and Eliαn Gonzαlez's Miami relatives, as quoted by the Associated Press, April 26, 2000
"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis." Meet the Press, April 15, 2000
"You subscribe politics to it. I subscribe freedom to it." Responding to a question about whether he and Al Gore were making the Eliαn Gonzαlez case a political issue. In Palm Beach, Fla., as quoted by the Associated Press, April 6, 2000
"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California." In Los Angeles as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000
"Reading is the basics for all learning." Announcing his "Reading First" initiative in Reston, Va., March 28, 2000
"We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there's not this kind of federal federal cufflink." At Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee, March 30, 2000
"Other Republican candidates may retort to personal attacks and negative ads." Fundraising letter from George W. Bush, quoted in the Washington Post, March 24, 2000
"I've got a reason for running. I talk about a larger goal, which is to call upon the best of America. It's part of the renewal. It's reform and renewal. Part of the renewal is a set of high standards and to remind people that the greatness of America really does depend on neighbors helping neighbors and children finding mentors. I worry. I'm very worried about, you know, the kid who just wonders whether America is meant for him. I really worry about that. And uh, so, I'm running for a reason. I'm answering this question here and the answer is, you cannot lead America to a positive tomorrow with revenge on one's mind. Revenge is so incredibly negative. And so to answer your question, I'm going to win because people sense my heart, know my sense of optimism and know where I want to lead the country. And I tease people by saying, 'A leader, you can't say, follow me the world is going to be worse.' I'm an optimistic person. I'm an inherently content person. I've got a great sense of where I want to lead and I'm comfortable with why I'm running. And, you know, the call on that speech was, beware. This is going to be a tough campaign." Interview with the Washington Post, March 23, 2000
"People make suggestions on what to say all the time. I'll give you an example; I don't read what's handed to me. People say, 'Here, here's your speech, or here's an idea for a speech.' They're changed. Trust me." Interview with the New York Times, March 15, 2000
"It's evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I'll be able to do so next fall, I hope." In an interview with the Associated Press, March 8, 2000
AND FINALLY, KIDS EXPLAIN POLITICS
(probably better than the rest of us can!)
Excerpts of elementary school essays on U.S. politics:
The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father but a president is not.
Some of our presidents never did much else and are famous only because they became president.
The president has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of his cabinet.
Much has been said about balancing the budget. It has been found that the budget is more talkable than balanceable.
The campaign is when the candidate tells what he stands for and the election is when the voters tell if they can stand for his being elected.
Actually, elections are different from politics. Elections come and go while politics are with us all the time.
In January, the president makes his Inaugural Address after he has been sworn at.
Once he is elected, sometimes the president has to work 24 hours a day until he finds out what he is supposed to do.
The nominees are usually called candidates or campaigners although I have heard them called other things.
The jobs of delegates is to resent their states.
Noncommittal is to be able to talk and talk without saying anything.
Political science is to try to figure out what makes candidates act that way.
A split ticket is when you don't like any of them on the ticket so you tear it up.
When they talk about the most promising presidential candidate, they mean the one who can think of the most things to promise.
Political strategy is when you don't let people know you have run out of ideas and keep shouting anyway.
A candidate should always renounce his words carefully.
We are learning how to make our election results known quicker and quicker. It is our campaigns we are having trouble getting any shorter.
Campaigns give us a great deal of happiness by their finally ending.
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