THE WEEKLY RIOT
October 27, 2000
Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky.
— Rainer Maria Rilke
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked them. — W. Somerset Maugham
Some artists work in oils, others work with clay. I prefer Jello.
Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake in the afternoon. — Jilly Cooper, How to Survive from Nine to Five
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
Prayers are always answered. Unfortunately, the answer is usually no.
--== RUMINATIONS ==--
Copyright © 2000, Chris White
When life gives you lemons, make damn sure you don't have any paper cuts on your hands. — Brandon Thornburg
If life deals you lemons, beat it senseless, steal its credit cards and go to Vegas with its wife — then make some freakin' lemonade. — Mike D.
When life gives you lemons, make lemon beer. — Katie Munson
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
BUSINESS: A poll by the University of South Australia reveals that one in three Australian executives admitted to falling asleep during meetings.
[Not only that, the drool swirls out of their mouths counterclockwise...]
SAN ANTONIO (APBnews.com) — A heroin addict on probation for burglary tried to pull a fast one on officers by using a fake penis to provide urine for a drug test, authorities said Thursday. Micah Sheehan, 37, was caught using the sexual device during one of his mandatory twice-weekly urine tests two weeks ago, said Bexar County Probation Director Caesar Garcia. "I've been around for 30 years, and I've never seen anything like this," Garcia told APBnews.com. A probation department technician who was watching Sheehan provide the urine sample realized something was wrong because the bleached-pink fake penis was a different color than Sheehan's skin, Garcia said. Also, the urine was discharging from all different angles like water shooting from a sprinkler, he said. "There were too many telltale signs," Garcia said. "He had this 8-inch penis in his hand squeezing urine out of it. He fumbled with it, and it fell out of his shorts, and he caught it before it hit the ground." The urine, which was not Sheehan's, was cold because it had been in a refrigerator, Garcia said.
[And now the damn thing is being 'held' for evidence, and the girlfriend is suing the city for mental cruelty...]
From Manila, Philippines comes the story of Augusto Lacandula who was upset because his wife had run off with another man. The cuckolded Lacandula boarded a Philippines Airlines flight wearing a fetching blue bonnet and swimmer's goggles, with a lavender colored homemade parachute on his back. He walked around the cabin waving a hand grenade, terrorizing passengers and demanding cash. As the airplane descended and the cabin was depressurized so he could leap out, Lacandula noticed that his parachute didn't have a ripcord. The helpful crew made a makeshift one out of a length of curtain sash and attached it to the contraption. Then, when it came time to make his big jump to freedom, Lacandula chickened out...but again the helpful crew came to his rescue with one of them giving him a little push. To no one's surprise, the chute didn't open and Lacandula was found on the jungle floor with only his arms sticking out of the mud.
——————————————————————BENT SURVEY: Percentage of us who would rather try to swallow food we didn't like at someone else's home rather than spit it out? Answer: 20%
--== BENT NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by SodaMail
BENT STATISTIC: Risk of you dying this year by choking to death on food? 1 in 160,000
[In other words, one in five of us would choke to death, but have been polite about it.]
BENT STATISTIC II: Most likely day of the year to be murdered? January 1.
BENT RECORD: Highest starting bid on eBay (so far)? $10 million for a Santa Cruz, California seaside house. (Santa Cruz Sentinel)
BENT HISTORY: In 1994, electromagnetic interference (EMI) from a nearby cellular telephone activated a power wheelchair at a vista stop in Colorado and sent the passenger over a cliff (he was okay).
——————————————————————GOOD NEWS... BAD NEWS...
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
The good news is that the average person spends three and a half years of their life eating, 12 months talking, two weeks kissing and will have sex 2,580 times.
The bad news, according to researchers, is they will spend six months on the toilet and grow nearly two meters of nasal hair in that time.
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A blonde walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"
The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."
TRICK-OR-TREATING BY THE SIGN
Pushes the others aside to get to the door first.
Will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates.
Goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again.
CANCER: stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or-treaters.
Plans their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea.
Wears a neatly pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper.
Is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.
Isn't in it for the candy.
Will manage to wander to the next town.
Makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take.
Builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.
Skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.
THE TOP 10 REASONS YOU'RE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING
10. You get winded by knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another child chew the candy for you.
8. You request the choice of a high fiber candy only.
7. When the treater drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say "Great Harry Potter mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to choose carefully a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
THE TOP 15 COMPLAINTS OF MODERN DAY VAMPIRES
15. Grunge look makes it difficult to tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
9. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
6. No warm blood for miles around D.C.
5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies".
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
and TopFive.com's Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires...
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1996-2000, by Chris White
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg...so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part."
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. He writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Caramel apple!"
MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions, especially those offered by family members.
MY FIRST TIME
I squeezed it gently at first, then a little bit harder. There seemed to be more and more of it. I moved it towards my lips. It was a strange and new sensation for me. I put it in my mouth and moved it around and around with my tongue. The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it out.
It was quite an experience the first time I tasted toothpaste.
MORE TALES OF MARITAL BLISSDuring a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.
At this point, the other three said, "You know, the was the most touching thing I've ever seen."
And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative, Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"
The husband's job was to fix some hi-fi speakers to the wall. He started by switching off the electricity for safety. After marking up the holes, he couldn't get his drill to work. In spite of disassembling the drill, to see if the fuse or something else had gone wrong, he couldn't fix it, so he went out and bought another one. Strangely enough, that wouldn't work either. As he was repackaging it to take it back, his wife returned home, and pointed out that he'd turned off the electricity...and it wasn't a cordless drill.
THINGS NEVER TO SAY WHEN ARGUING WITH A WOMAN
Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?
Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset.
Wait a minute, I get it... What time of the month is it?
You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
Sorry, I was just picturing you naked.
Whoa, time out honey, Frasier's back.
Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning.
I could so use some oral sexual stimulation right now.
Hey baby — if I want a lecture about commitment, I can get one from my real wife.
Who are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded.
THE EIGHT LEVELS OF JOY
1. Your metabolism changes so that you can lose weight eating chocolate.
2. You realize that your kid's report card was really a bad dream.
3. Your computer actually crashes when the technician is there.
4. You bought Amazon.com 2 years ago — and sold it high.
5. Steven Speilberg calls your boss looking for you.
6. You haven't put on weight — your clothes shrank.
7. Your child calls from college just to say hi.
8. The IRS loses your name.
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along the road.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, "Bill Clinton is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
THE TOP 17 SIGNS YOUR PET IS AN ALIEN FROM SPACE17. Carefully spoons "Tang" into the toilet before he drinks out of it.
16. Last month's bill had $135 worth of unexplained long distance calls to David Duchovny's cell phone.
15. The scratches in your sofa look suspiciously like crop circles.
14. Most dogs: sit, stay, roll over. Your dog: levitate, balance checkbook, help Junior with calculus homework.
13. "Polly wants a crollop of phylixinis...Polly wants an Illudium Q36 Explosive Space Modulator..."
12. Always arranges his Kibble 'N' Bits in the shape of the Andromeda Galaxy.
11. Shares your intense hatred of all earthlings.
10. Fido wakes you up every morning by bursting out through your abdomen.
9. When your son faked throwing a stick, Fido vaporized his happy ass.
8. Fluffy keeps urging you to vote for Pat Buchanan.
7. Rover has an irresistible fascination with airborne plastic replicas of flying saucers.
6. Instead of sniffing the butts of other dogs, your pooch uses mind-control to get you to do it and report back.
5. As far as you know, Sigourney Weaver never fried anyone *else's* cat with a flame-thrower.
4. It can't be coincidence that your whenever your rottweiler takes a dump, it's in the shape of Devil's Tower in Wyoming.
3. You find pieces of the missing Mars landers buried in your back yard.
2. Not only catches the chuckwagon running across the kitchen floor, but administers an anal probe to the driver.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Pet is an Alien from Space...
1. Constantly using the Vulcan leg hump to render the postman unconscious.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
BUYING GIFTS FOR MEN
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
When in doubt — buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink — they are earthy.
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook — but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why — please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
HOW MANY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB AT...
Two — One to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill.
Two — One to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
Eleven — One to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.
Two — One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
Seventy-six — One to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter protest.
None — New Haven looks better in the dark.
One — He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Five — One to design a nuclear powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
Eleven — One to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation.
Five — One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
Three — One to change it and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.
Four — One to change it, one to call Congress about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the American U. students.
A whole frat — but only one of them is sober enough to get the bulb out of the socket.
The whole student body — when you're snowed in there's nothing else to do.
Two — One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student.
Five — One to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive dance about it.
None — Wesleyan's boycotting GE...you know, military-industrial complex and all that.
Three — One to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it in.
Seven — One to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said, "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."
[Thanks to John Folsom]
THE DIET QUIZIf you answer "yes" to eight or more of these questions, you may want to consider restricting your future calorie intake:
• Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send for you with a limo?
• After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?
• Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?
• Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?
• Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?
• Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?
• Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?
• On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?
• Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?
• Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?
• Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets?
THE TOP 20 SIGNS YOU'RE WATCHING A BAD HORROR MOVIE
20. It has more than three Wayans brothers in it.
19. That new green ketchup just doesn't make as realistic blood as its red variant.
18. Texas Chainsaw Massacre 6 just isn't as scary with Leatherface wielding a Palm Pilot instead of a chainsaw.
17. Renting of Yellowstone Park for 3 days of filming: $30,000
Sandwiches for the entire crew all three days: $1500
15 minutes of simulated sex between the hot teenage stars to add to the collection: Priceless.
16. The movie is almost over and Pauly Shore is still alive.
15. The hockey mask on the murderer looks suspiciously like a tortilla with the mouth and eye holes chewed out.
14. "I see dumb people."
13. The guy with the large knife would be horrifying — if he'd just get out of that damn sand trap and start chasing someone.
12. You find yourself wondering which hideously deformed mutant zombie will be voted out of the farmhouse.
11. You decide to sneak into the Pokeman movie next door so it won't be a total waste of nine dollars.
10. Raspy voice on the phone saying "Get OUT...of the...HOUSE!!" is the landlord carrying out an eviction.
9. Villain's Weapon of Choice: Melon Baller
8. Too much gratuitous gore — and too much gratuitous Lieberman, for that matter.
7. Instead of spewing green slime everywhere and spinning her head around, the little "possessed girl" just makes a motorboat sound with her lips and rolls her eyes back and forth for a half hour.
6. Brad and Janet fix their flat with a can of Cheez Whiz, drive right by the haunted castle and spend the night at a Motel 6.
5. The main character executes his victims one by one — then runs for President!
4. The only ill effect of the teleportation device malfunctioning is that the mad scientist's socks are now mismatched.
3. "Evil" Pikachu's goatee keeps falling off.
2. You're fairly sure Hitchcock never combined a shower, a naked woman, and a bottle of chocolate syrup in quite that way.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Watching a Bad Horror Movie...
1. Jason's mask is made from the all new botanical aromatherapy line of clay from Crabtree & Evelyn and includes pore-reducers and exfoliating crystals.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE ESSENCE OF UNDERSTANDING MENA young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She has also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again.
She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They have set up a hut, there is fruit on the trees, and they are in heaven. Cindy has fallen madly in love with our man, and they are making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he is looking kind of glum.
"What is the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I am in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it is really going to make you feel better," she Says.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.
He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You will never believe who I am sleeping with!"
HOW TO TRULY IMPRESS A CLIENT
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."