THE WEEKLY RIOT
October 20, 2000
The sweetest joy, the wildest woe is love.
Pearl Bailey
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. James Branch Cabell
Driver carries no cash. He's married. Seen on a bumper sticker
There are only two things a child will share willingly communicable diseases and their mother's real age.
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'. Rita Rudner
Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other man is cleaning.
Men probably will treat women as equals when women begin putting the toilet seat up when they are done.
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
POLITICS: Former Russian Prime Minister Viktor Chernomyrdin demanded a formal apology from U.S. Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush for accusing him of stealing IMF money, and threatened to sue.
[I'm looking forward to that lawsuit, if only to hear Bush try to pronounce "Chernomyrdin"...]
SPORTS: A Japanese marathon star who won Olympic gold in Sydney got a crucial extra buzz by drinking the stomach juice of giant, killer hornets. Naoko Takahashi, who became a national heroine by winning the women's marathon, drank the unusual beverage before and during the race after Japanese scientists found it gave an astonishing boost to human performance.
[A couple dozen miles goes by fast when you need to heave in the ladies room...]
ENTERTAINMENT?: Pamela Anderson could get another shot at wedded bliss by
splitting with Motley Crue rocker Tommy Lee after her new boyfriend, Swedish male supermodel Marcus Schenkenberg, said he wants to marry her.
[HIDE THE VIDEO CAMERA ON YOUR HONEYMOON NIGHT, PAM!!!]
LAWN RAGE: (Wellington, New Zealand) Geoff Marsland decided that he needed to develop a product to get back at noisy neighbors. His invention? An Astroturf covered CD that offers listeners 64 minutes of lawnmower noise. He suggested that "If your neighbors have a party Saturday night fairly late...what you do is you get up at seven o'clock in the morning, put the hour of lawnmowing sound on and go out to a cafe." (Reuters)
--== BENT NEWS ==--
BENT TRIVIA: The bathtub was invented in 1842 by Adam Thompson. In 1844 Boston city fathers ruled that no one could take a bath in a tub without a doctor's prescription.
[Most 8 year-olds would love that...]
BENT QUOTE: "...Poetry is powerful and it turns out that breasts are pretty powerful, too," said Dona Nieto of four women who held a topless prayer vigil against clear-cut logging in the small north California coast town of Westport Sunday. The women braved the chilly north coast breeze as logging was scheduled to continue. "We stopped them in their tracks a couple of times," said Nieto. (AP)
BENT STATISTICS: On average, adults aged between 16 and 25 around the globe are having sex 96 times a year. The Americans claim to be enjoying the most sex at 132 times a year followed by the Russians (122), the French (121), and the Greeks (115). Japanese made love the least often at 37 times a year. (Survey by British condom maker)
[There's a math problem for kids in there somewhere...]
--== BIZARRE NEWS ==--
Copyright © 2000, by Pulse Direct, Inc.
THE MOST FUN YOU CAN HAVE WITH FIVE FINGERS: A 41-year-old German woman, who was arrested for shoplifting, told a judge that she only did it for sexual kicks. "I have an orgasm whenever a department store detective discovers me stealing and grabs my shoulder from behind," the woman named only as Baerbel B. told a court in Neustadt am Ruebenberge. The arousal was so addictive that she would steal dog food, shoes, anything that would get her caught. She was allowed to walk three years ago for a similar offense, but this time Judge Harald Zimbehl decided enough was enough and sentenced her to 14 months. She was caught stealing a hammer drill worth around $120.
[You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to cuddle-time. You have the right to sleep on the wet spot...]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
A state trooper notices a car weaving in the road, and when he pulls it over a beautiful blonde woman gets out. She is clearly under the influence, but just to make sure he gives her the breathalyzer test. Sure enough, she's over the limit, so the trooper says, "Madam, you've had a couple of stiff ones."
"Oh," says the blonde, "it shows that too?"
THE TOP 12 SUPERSTITIONS OF DUMB PEOPLE
12. Bad things come in trees.
11. Never let a black cat cross your eyes.
10. If you break a mirror, toss another one over your shoulder for good luck.
9. Never pick up a stray $100 bill unless Ben Franklin is facing up.
8. Never ever put exactly 5 items on any list.
7. Wait until Wednesday to drink any wine made on Tuesday.
6. Driving slow in the left lane ensures a pleasant trip to your destination.
5. Break a mirror, get seven years of really bad shaves.
4. Good luck can only be attained by FORWARDING THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!! DO IT!!!! QUICKLY!!!!
3. It's bad luck not to run for President if your father was President.
2. Lightning can't find you if you hold really still.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Superstition of Dumb People...
1. Well, if one foot is lucky, imagine how lucky a whole "Dammit, Cottontail, come back here with my keys!"
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband-he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, it's another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
The husband replies: "In his dying breath, he said. Don't fuck up."
[Thanks to Craig Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
MORE DEEP THOUGHTS
Naturally I replied, "Big tits."
He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt.
"Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big."
QUICKIES
A: S&M&M.
Q: Why don't debutantes go to orgies?
A: There'd be too many thank you notes to write.
Q: Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
A: Is it in?
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A: A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.
Q: What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?
A: Relative humidity.
Q: Did you know that the word "vegetarian" is actually an old Native American word?
A: It's Cherokee for "bad hunter".
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: When does a woman care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.
Q: How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A: Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q: Why do men get married?
A: So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.
Q: Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A: So they can find their way back to the house.
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A: A widower.
[Thanks again to Craig for most of these]
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF E-MAIL
1. Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
2. Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
3. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
4. Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
5. Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
6. Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
7. Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
8. Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
9. Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
10. When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-mail:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS
Kitchen closed this chick has had it!
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too!
So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust!
Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself!
I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day!
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.
You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it!
Apology... Although you'll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean eat out.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.
Gardening forever... Housework, never!
Dull women have immaculate houses.
FAMOUS PEOPLE'S NEXT JOB INTERVIEWS
Julius Caesar:
My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.
Jesse James:
I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
Marie Antoinette:
My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person.
Joseph Guillotine:
I can give your company a head start on the competition.
Hamlet:
My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
Lucretia Borgia:
My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.
Pandora:
I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
Genghis Khan:
My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job, I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
Macbeth:
Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
Lady Godiva:
What do mean this isn't business casual?
Elvis:
My last boss and I... say, are you going to eat those fries?
BIRTHDAY GIFTS
A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar talking about their wives' birthdays.
The poor man asked the rich man," So what did you get your wife for her birthday?"
The rich man says "A Mercedes Benz and a diamond ring."
The poor man asks, "Why both?"
Rich man says, "So if she doesn't like the ring she can get in her new car and take it back."
Rich man asks, "So what did you get your wife?"
Poor man says, "A pair of flip-flops and a dildo."
Rich man asks why both and the poor man says, "That way if she doesn't like the flip-flops she can go fuck herself."
CONVERSIONS MADE EASY
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
1000 aches = 1 kilohurtz
100 Senators: Not 1 decision
Getting a Microsoft program to work = 1 kilobug
[in Redmond, Washington] 14 billion units of arousal = 1 microsoft
THE TOP 15 SIGNS YOUR WINDOWS 98 SYSTEM IS ABOUT TO CRASH
14. "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do..."
13. You learn Bill Gates' monthly check to Beelzebub was returned for insufficient postage.
12. The White House phones to say Al Gore is coming over to survey the damage.
11. Your Palm Pilot starts shouting "Mayday! Mayday!"
10. As the screen flickers, a Scottish voice screams, "Cap'n! She needs more RAM! She's breakin' up, Sir!"
9. Tiny hoodlum appears on the screen and offers to sell you "MS Protection" for a modest fee.
8. First time you've ever seen that "Happy Mac With A Chainsaw" icon.
7. Bill Gates climbs out of a black helicopter in your back yard and offers you a cool million to keep your big mouth shut.
6. That flying window screensaver just morphed into a flaming Hindenburg.
5. Knowing the procedure for vermin aboard a sinking ship, your mouse just high-tailed it into the other room.
4. That tiny iceberg icon is getting larger by the minute.
3. Your screensaver shows a little man committing suicide by sticking a screwdriver in a flying toaster.
2. Before you can install more of the Professor's coconut shell RAM, Gilligan decides to play minesweeper.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Signs Your Windows 98 System is About to Crash...
1. An air bag deploys from your monitor and smacks you in the face.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 1998-2000, by Chris White
HAMSTER TROUBLE
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"Oldest trick in the book," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put a hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired sarcastically.
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her.
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it was a little hard to tell," she informed me.
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Gross!" they shrieked.
"Great; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know.
"Well, when my parents' dog had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.
"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.
"Should I dial 911?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through it."
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," I told him.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, an epidural?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, ah..." He blushed, glancing at my wife.
"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just ... just ..."
"Excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. "What's so funny?" I demanded.
Tears were now running down her face. "Just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its ..." she gasped.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.
[Thanks again to Craig]
MOTHER'S LITTLE HELPER
"Yes" the mother answered.
"And how is your son now?" he asked.
"Who cares?" she replied.
THE WASHINGTON POST CONTESTS
Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly: Impotent
Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent: Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph: To walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle: An olive-flavored mouthwash.
Coffee: A person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence: The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle: A humorous question on an exam.
Semantics: Pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood,including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude: The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster: A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent: The opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbatarianism: The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these, really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the Taxation Office, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid AND an asshole.
