THE WEEKLY RIOT
October 13, 2000
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.
— Bertrand Russell
INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES OF THE WEEK
(by the infamous Unknown Author unless otherwise noted)
The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards. — Alexander Jablokov
You couldn't get a clue if you covered yourself with clue musk and danced the clue mating dance naked in a clue field during the clue mating season.
UNIX is a D/s system; so long as you're properly submissive, it'll be a really nice top and do everything for you.
In practice, attempts to sort out good erotica from bad porn inevitably comes down to: What turns me on is erotica; what turns you on is pornographic. — Ellen Willis
Texas Federal has established a policy to consider a robbery at an ATM to be an authorized transaction. — Texas Federal Savings Bank in a letter to a customer who had been robbed at an ATM
You can run with the big dogs or sit on the porch and bark. — Wallace Arnold
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of one to ten, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.' — Rodney Dangerfield
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. — Steven Wright
IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK:
THE BEST NEWS I'VE HEARD IN YEARS: Vigorous regular sex can make you look up to seven years younger, researchers claimed on Tuesday.
Energetic lovemaking can reduce fatty tissue and release endorphins from the brain which are natural painkillers and reduce anxiety, according to the authors of a new book "Secrets of the Superyoung."
Edinburgh psychologist David Weeks and science writer Jamie James reached their conclusions after interviewing 95 people in Scotland who looked very young for their ages.
Research revealed that sex was a big factor in their youthful appearance.
"The significance of this factor came as a surprise," the authors said.
"As much as any other physical activity, sex is an important part of life for young-looking people from late adolescence or early adulthood throughout their entire lives," they concluded. — LONDON (Reuters)
[According to this story, I should be ... dead...]
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POLITICS:
Frank Sinatra's daughter Tina told CBS' "60 Minutes" that her father helped convince an organized crime figure to help President John F. Kennedy win the presidency in 1960 by securing the union vote in the important West Virginia primary.
[Is there any way they can help somebody other than Bush or Gore win now... PLEASE?]
A new CNN-USA Today poll shows George W. Bush has surged ahead of Al Gore by a margin of forty-nine to forty-one percent among likely voters.
[That means you're ahead George!]
Republican George W. Bush and Democrat Al Gore underwent an exhaustive examination on foreign affairs in their second presidential debate on Wednesday.
[The choice seems clear: Fear that one guy will win, then not do what he said he would, and fear that the other guy will win and do EXACTLY what he said he would...]
SCIENCE: Environmental group Greenpeace claims that two firms seeking a patent on an embryo cloning process have performed an experiment in which they created a "human-pig" hybrid embryo.
[And from that embryo we have Tom Arnold today...]
BUSINESS:
The Washington Post reports that the Ford Explorer has a higher-rate of tire-related accidents than other sports utility vehicles, even when fitted with tires other than Firestone, which have been linked to 101 deaths nationwide.
[Who knew "SUV" stood for "Smoking Upside-down Vehicle"?]
Accusing Ford Motor Co. of "concealment of a dangerous condition", California Superior Court Judge Michael E. Ballachey ordered the recall of 1.7 million Ford cars and trucks, claiming that the automaker knew the vehicles were prone to stalling, but failed to alert consumers.
[On the bright side, if it's stalled it can't flip over when the tires explode...]
THIS WEEK'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
[Thanks to Craig — Miyamoto's Diamond Head]
QUOTES ABOUT WOMEN BY WOMEN
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. — Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. — Janette Barber (This probably was Marcia Barber)
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. — Jan King
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. — Lily Tomlin
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. — Geri Jewell
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. — Carrie Snow
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. — Laurie Kuslansky
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first is hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. — Erma Bombeck
Old age ain't no place for sissies. — Bette Davis
Whatever women must do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. — Charlotte Whitton
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. — Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. — Catherine Aird
[Thanks to Brad — Brad's Keimach's Home Page]
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK JEDI KNIGHT IF...
• you ever uttered the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
• your Jedi robe is camouflage.
• you have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
• you have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
• at least one wing of your X-wing is primer colored.
• you have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
• you describe the taste of an Ewok as "jus' like chicken".
• you have ever had a B-wing up on blocks in your yard.
• the worst part of spending time on planet Dagobah is "them dadgum skeeters".
• wookies are offended by your B.O.
• you have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you wouldn't have to wait for a commercial.
• your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot!"
• you have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electroshock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
• you have a confederate flag painted on your flight helmet.
• you ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
• you have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
• you kinda think that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
• you have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire "them damn Yankees."
• you have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
• in your opinion, that Cee-Threepio fellow "just ain't right."
• you suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a Lazy-Boy recliner.
• the REAL reason you got into a fight in the cantina was because you ordered Bud Light...and they didn't have it.
• you knew Princess Leia was your sister all along.
THE BROKEN PARACHUTE
He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the ground rapidly approaches he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, and he's dropping like a rock. At 500 feet another guy goes shooting *up* past him.
In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey! Do you know anything about parachutes?!"
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No! Do you know anything about gas ovens?!"
MORE TALES OF MARITAL BLISS
"Probably that I married you for your money."
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The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left.
She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."
"It was postponed," he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."
HOW NOT TO APPLY FOR A JOB
A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1,000 companies provided the following unbelievable but true examples of job applicant behavior.
• "The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became apparent when he began to snore."
• "When I asked the candidate to give a good example of the organizational skills she was boasting about, she said she was proud of her ability to pack her suitcase 'real neat' for her vacations."
• "Why did (the applicant) go to college?" His reply: "To party and socialize."
• "When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebasket."
• "I received a resume and letter that said that the recent high-school graduate wanted to earn $25 an hour — 'and not a nickel less'."
• "(The applicant) had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to my office during a lunch-hour interview. I asked him not to eat it until later."
• "(The applicant) said she had just graduated cum laude, but she had no idea what "cum laude" meant. However, she was proud of her grade point average. It was 2.1."
• "(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn't afraid of hard work. But insisted on adding he was afraid of horses and didn't like jazz, modern art, or seafood."
• "She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a bathing suit. She said she didn't think I'd mind."
• "He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and proceeded to put his foot up on my desk."
• "The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and his friends wore my company's clothing whenever they could. I had to tell him that we manufactured office products, not sportswear."
• "(The applicant) applied for a customer service position, although, as he confided, he really wasn't a people person."
• "Without asking if I minded, he casually lit a cigar and then tossed the match onto my carpet — and couldn't understand why I was upset."
• "On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume and a couple of references. He arrived with the resume — and two people."
[Thanks again to Craig]
HOW TO TELL SOMEONE HIS FLY IS UNZIPPED
• The cucumber has left the salad.
• I can see the gun of Navarone.
• Someone tore down the wall, and Pink Floyd is hanging out.
• You've got Windows on your laptop.
• Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
• Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
• Quasimodo needs to return to the tower and tend his bells.
• You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
• Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson ...
• Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
• Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
• Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
• Ensign Hanes reports a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
• The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
• Dr. Kimble has escaped!
• You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
• Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
• You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
• I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
• "Men Are From Mars, Women Can See Your Penis "
[Thanks again to Craig]
MORE THINGS TO SAY WHEN CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time! Thank you!"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was merely testing my keyboard for drool resistance. It wasn't mentioned in the owner's manual."
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken and I didn't think you wanted me to leave the office to go out and buy coffee without telling you first."
"I am so glad you are here. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot and I had no idea!"
".....in Jesus' name. Amen."
MEN: OGLE YOUR WAY TO BETTER HEALTH
This is not a joke. It came from the New England Journal of Medicine.
Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.
According to the New England Journal of Medicine, "Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics workout" declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.
Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients — half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so. The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease.
"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation," explains Dr. Weatherby. "There's no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years."
Note from the Goddess: At last, I know I've made a significant contribution to the lives of all the men who've ever crossed my path...well, the straight ones, anyway.
THREE TRUTHS ABOUT RELIGION
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
WHO RUNS THE COUNTRY?
(A theory based on which paper you read)
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
MICROSOFT TV DINNER INSTRUCTIONS
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//. Then enter ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\l/yum~yum-) gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again.again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
THE TOP 15 LITTLE-KNOWN FOREIGN CUSTOM FAUX PAS
15. In Kuwait, flipping the bird is actually an offer to pick someone's nose.
14. In Australia, bartenders take offense when customers leave their establishments while still able to walk under their own power.
13. Using ice cubes is not an acceptable way to cool off the nipples of female beach-goers in Rio de Janeiro.
12. Cubans think it's tacky to wear white while defecting after Labor Day.
11. In Iceland, having a pierced nose means that you are sexually aroused by small furry animals.
10. In Iran, it's considered blasphemous to go braless under your Salman Rushdie tank top.
9. In France, after a good meal it is a sign of appreciation to surrender unconditionally to your hosts.
8. When in Germany, try not to be from another country.
7. Taking an Italian to the Olive Garden demonstrates bad taste. Hell, taking *anyone* to the Olive Garden demonstrates bad taste.
6. In California, if you accuse a husband of murdering his wife, he is obligated to play golf for a year or two.
5. It's considered impolite not to bow in the direction of Britney Spears before entering Boobland.
4. In England, if a dog is humping your leg, kicking it away is considered impolite and insulting to the owner, and you should stand still and let him finish. At least that's what they told ME.
3. At a dinner party in Zaire, it is a serious breach of etiquette to pair a Pinot Noir with Pickled Monkey Groin.
2. In Swahili, "Gezundheit" sounds exactly like a word meaning: "Let me return your gift with my butt."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Little-known Foreign Custom Faux Pas...
1. Americans love to try to figure out foreign languages, so be sure to speak only your native tongue when visiting the U.S.
The Top 5 List
Copyright © 2000, by Chris White
